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Hi everyone,
I've been put in an uncomfortable situation and am seeking a little advice.
My mother-in-law is a smoker. She does not smoke in our house. We keep a can for cigarette butts out behind our garage and ask that smokers smoke outside and put their butts in the can. Apparently, my mother-in-law suddenly forgot about this when winter hit, because I caught her smoking in our attached garage on many occassions. The smoke seeps into our house, something I don't want. I asked her to please not smoke in our garage, so not she's smoking out front and just stuffing her butts around the yard in snow and on our front step. How do I tactfully remind her about the smoking outback rule?
Thanks! |
| Posted by Kristine on 01/29/2009 08:27 AM
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| Hi Kristine, I have the same problem with my own mother. I used to be a big smoker & my mom seems to be unhappy that I quit. When she comes over, she now goes on the front porch & puts her butts in a planter we have on the front porch!! I have mentioned to her a few times that there is an ashtray in back but she still goes to the front. It's a tough situation, it must be worst with a mother in law. At least with my mom, i can just tell her it's kind of rude... if it was a mother in law, i am not sure i could. Maybe since the smoke is coming into your house while she's in the garage, you can send her an article on how second hand smoke is harmful? Good luck, if you have any luck, let me know what you did so i can do it too! |
| posted by Katie on 01/29/2009 09:15 AM
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| Hello, Kristine, I understand where you are coming from. My fiance and his friends smoke outside but since it has been cold they stand at the door and the smoke comes right inside. They also throw their cig butts on the ground when there is an ashtray on the porch. I would try talking to her calmly and just letting her know that it bothers you and ask her to please smoke out back. Or, it may be wierd, but I am passive agressive. You could try telling her about a "friend" or "someone else" who is smoking in the garage and leaving cig butts around and how much it bothers you because the smoke goes in the house and you wish they would smoke out back like you asked out of respect for you and your home. Hopefully she would take the hint and not want to be like your "friend" and stop doing it. You could also put a no smoking sign in the garage. Kristine, ultimately, it is your house and you have the right to ask people to not smoke in or around your house, mil or not. Maybe try getting your husband involved too so he can talk to her with you if you need him too. I hope it works out! Good luck!!! |
| posted by Kris on 01/29/2009 10:12 AM
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Well, I think its very rude of her to smoke in the garage when she knows you feelings about it, but I dont really think it is a good idea for you to say something. Your husband needs to be the one to talk to her. I know how difficult "in-law" relationships can be, and I don't think it matters how tactful you are... she is going to be uncomfortable with the confrontation. Hubby needs to have a heart to heart with mom. Smokers often dont understand how disgusting us non-smokers find their habit to be. "Whats the big deal", they think. While were thinking- "OMG! You stink, and you're making my house stink! I cant breathe and you're hurting my kids!" Hopefully your husband is on board with your smoking ban and can put his foot down with her. Good luck because I hate cigarette smoke!
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| posted by Kelly on 01/29/2009 10:23 AM
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| Thanks for the advice! The problem with getting my husband involved is that she doesn't listen to him. He has asked her not to smoke in his office at work (he's owns a bar/restaurant in ND where smoking still is allowed) and she lights up in there anyway. He gets so pissed but what can you do? |
| posted by Kristine on 01/29/2009 10:32 AM
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| Well, I dont like my mother in law, and I really don't care what she thinks of me. So in all honesty i would probably just tell her straight up. It might go something like " Why are you smoking in my garage? Do you think I want you giving my family cancer? If you are gonna do that here, GO OUT BACK, or don't come over at all. Its my house. I don't go to your house and disrespect you!" Which is true... mostly because I don't go to their house! LoL! She would probably be smoking in my garage just because I had asked her not too. Ya... Hopefully your relationship with your in-laws isn't as terrible as mine! |
| posted by Kelly on 01/29/2009 10:44 AM
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Kelly,
Had to chuckle. You have more guts than I do. I would love to be more like you but am more passive aggressive like Kris, and Kris, I have tried your approach, but she just ignored me. My in-laws only hear what they want to hear and ignore the rest. Drives me nuts!!!
Anyway, I'll probably just have to remind her that there is a butt can outside behind the garage and ask her if she can remember where she's been throwing her cigarettes so I can get them picked up now. They're disgusting to clean up during the spring thaw, and I don't want my kids picking them up and playing with them.
I'm an ex-smoker, but even when I did smoke, I still went outside to smoke when it was 30 below and extinguished my cigarette in the can. So it really irritates me when someone else comes to my house and can't follow a basic rule. Of course, my in-laws can't really follow any of our rules, but that's another can of worms! |
| posted by Kristine on 01/29/2009 04:04 PM
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I understand where you are coming from. I think making a sign for the garage is a good idea. or when ever she comes over remind her to go in the back as she is going outside. tell her that you appreciate her going outside to smoke when she is at your house, but if she wouldnt mind putting the cigarettes in the can so that you aren't stuck picking up the butts when the snow melts.
being direct but not rude. that usually works best, depending on the situation.
and Kelly, I totally know what you mean with the smell. I actually started smoking when I was 13, and I never knew what people were talking about with the "cigarette smell". I quit when I was pregnant though, and I could not believe the difference! I dont know if it was because I was pregnant or what, but my fiancee (who still smoked) always smelled so gross!!
good luck with talking to your mil... i hope it all works out. |
| posted by Becky on 01/29/2009 08:31 PM
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I agree with Kelly's posts.
Make a big deal about it girl - it's your house and your family.
Such a gross habit. |
| posted by on 01/30/2009 11:46 AM
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| I have to say about this post that you have to find your backbone. I have been in very simular situations with my MIL, I have posted stuff about her. I have learned I have to stick up for my family, as does your husband. You have to make her listen. The way I finally saw it was, I worried about disrespecting her, but if she is not doing as I wish with my son then she is not respecting me. So, why does she deserve respect. I will respect her again when I get respect from her. It is a give and take just like any other relationship that you have with anyone. I would of course try saying what you want very politely first, if it don't work then, again, find your backbone. Good luck, MILs can be very hard to deal with. |
| posted by Kim on 01/30/2009 12:49 PM
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You are absolutely right! My mil can be great, but only if she's getting her way. She's been overbearing since she barged into the recovery room after my emergency c-section. When I don't agree to things the way she wants them, she guilts my husband and then I'm feeling guilty when I didn't even do anything wrong. He just doesn't want to ever upset his parents. Drives me crazy. We've had our share of head-butts and I'm sure they're will be many more. I'm just looking out for my kids. She's just looking out for herself and being very selfish.
About the smoking, I'm just going to tell her to put her butts in the can and to pick up the yard if she can find her butts in the snow. Thanks ladies, for all the great advice! |
| posted by Kristine on 01/30/2009 01:14 PM
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You're welcome....remember, we can pick our men, but we can't pick their Mother's - ha!
Oh, and another thing - our new (yey) President is signing a bill this week increasing the cigarette tax by 60 cents to help pay for healthcare for thousands of children in America without...I think the $ couldn't come from a better place! Maybe this will force people to consider quitting their bad smoking habit and we can all breathe a little easier. :)
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| posted by on 01/30/2009 02:01 PM
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