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| Depression and Motherhood |
| Public online group |
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To tell you the truth, at first I had no idea what was happening to me. I thought I was being punished because I had made a choice very early in life that I wasn't going to have children. I just didn't want a responsibility such as that in my life. When I got pregnant I thought, I can handle this.....then I found out it was twins and BOOM!!! I went home and cried my eyes out so hard, I couldn't stop crying for days. I couldn't understand why I such a responsibility was being given to me when I didn't want children in the first place. I then became very ill during my 4th month of pregnancy and I really thought I was being cursed!! I was hospitalized for severe back pain that literally paralized me. I was hospitalized for dehydration twice and couldn't understand that at all. I was drinking so much water I almost swam to bed every night. I thought I was being punished because of me feeling the way I was feeling. When the boys were born, CJ was perfectly healthy but Michael was born a blue baby. No one told me this until three days after his birth. I thought "This is it, GOD knows how I feel and he is going to take these babies from me because he made a mistake giving them to me in the first place and he felt I really didn't deserve them." After they were born, I was severely ill with all sorts of complications and again, I thought I was being punished. I had a paralized bowel system and had to have a tube put down my nose to drain all the junk out of my stomach, I then had a UTI, then after that I had an ultrasound and they found two huge infectious pockets of fluid behind my incision and had to have drainage bags put into my abdomin for over 3 weeks. I couldn't understand how I had given birth to these beautiful babies and yet I couldn't make a connection with them. I didn't feel in my heart toward them the way I believed a new Mother is suppose to feel. My heart didn't skip a beat when I first saw them, instead I was disgusted with myself. I didn't want to see them but at the same time I didn't want them away from me. I never told anyone what I was thinking and how I was feeling until my 6 week Post Partum appt. my husband and I and the boys were sitting there waiting for my doctor. My doctor walked in and asked me how I was feeling and I couldn't answer him because I just sat there and cried, and cried and cried some more. My doctor and my husband walked out of the room and took the babies with them. After about a half hour I finally calmed down and he sent me to see a counselor who then sent me to my psychiatrist. I was terrified to go see her because I thought she would hear the way I was feeling and take the boys away from me because a person like me had no reason to feel the way I was feeling and because of that I really believed she would hear my story and contact Child Pretective Services or some other agency. I didn't mention the things I was thinking about for a while. I had horrible thoughts about the babies being hurt and me not responding or me hurting them. I knew I would never act on those thoughts but I just couldn't get them out of my head and finally I spoke up. It made all the difference in the world.
Don't be afraid to tell someone how you are feeling or thinking. Your babies deserve it, you deserve it. Your babies deserve the best Mommy you can be to them and you know you are that Mommy, just give yourself a chance to take care of you for a little while and it will make all the difference. You will be glad you went to get help. You can do it!!
Share your story here and it could help someone else have the courage to seek the help they need as well as let her know she is not alone in this.
Hugs,
Jeanne
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| Posted by Jeanne on 06/21/2007 04:31 PM
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| Hey Jeanne. Thanks for sharing your story. Some where out there you have reached out to someone that can benefit from your story. I, too, have suffered PPD. Not a pleasant feeling, and I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I had horrible thoughts of hurting myself and my child. I didn't have twins, and to be honest, I am glad, because I don't think I would of made it. Seriously, it took me almost six months after I gave birth to realize I had a problem. Six months of torture for myself and my newborn, who didn't deserve the neglect and anger I presented. Sure, I know it was a hormonal and normal thing for a women to go through after child birth. But let's face it, no one really knows until they actually experience the emotion. I wanted to have a baby and be a mom, until, I had my son. I felt my life turned upside down. Do I feel differently now? Of course. I just gave birth to my second son almost six months ago. I love my boys and being their mom. They are my life. Now my husband gets the grunt of it all. LOL Thank you for sharing your experience, even though it was horrible for you, we aren't alone. I now know that, and I hope you do too. |
| posted by Roxanne on 06/21/2007 04:55 PM
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| Wow!! I was sexually abused by my brother for two years and i was having panic and anixety attack just passing his room before he was even born. The doctor said I had pdd while I was preggo. I had a c-section and I missed the bond u get when they put him on your chest. when he was all cleaned up and showed me I wasnt happy. I had no feeling. Once we came home BAM hit us like a ton of bricks we were on our own. No nurse,No call button for help. I couldnt look at him without crying. thank god for my shrink. I remember holding him and picturing me shaken him. Now my son has sensory integration dysfuction,oppositional defiant disorder,adhd. I felt that was gods way of blaming me for my abuse. I did take my zoloft my 7month of preggo |
| posted by Laura on 06/21/2007 06:23 PM
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thank you Jeanne and everyone else for sharing their stories
t took my 11m to tell my doc how I was feeling
I felt so guilty for feeling like i could not do this or have doubts of teh type of mother I am to my girls
a little backgroud ... we tried to concieve for 6 years and 3 of those was with IVF and on the 7th and last try w/ IVF we were pregnant with twins ... I was over the moon with joy and excitment as was my husband ... I had a text book PG and delivered them healthy by c-sec at 36.6 wks
but not long after we were home I began feeling out of control with the rush of visitors never once asking if I needed help or if I or my husband were ok ... they all just wanted to see teh babies which would be all well and fine but they wanted that on their time and it did not matter that we had not slept or we were doing our best to keep them from getting day/night confussion
after 2 wks of that I was not functioning well at all and hubby and I were fighting and I was crying and I did not get out of bed (the girls were in a co-sleeper crib next to me)
at 3ms I moved them to tehri nursery and forced myself to take teh co-sleeper down so I will not bring them back in and I told myself "as long as I knew I had PPD, I was OK with this" so I kept it to myself and I slowly just melted away (me Colleen) and only functioned as Mom to my girls
I felt so guilty feeling the way I did and I had no right to be depressed since we tried for long and so hard to have these girls
but I finially said something and now I am on an anti anxiety med and getting professional help too and now am I asking for help when I am up to my eye balls in all that 1 yr twins can do ... actually right now I am covered in Chef Boyardee
so I have clean up and try and muster up the energy to clean up ... today is my b-day (35) and my mom is coming over later and I can't see the light at the end of my endless cleaning plus the girls needing me and hubby sleeping after a 24 hr shift just to go on another 24hr shift tonight ... things this tail spin me into a never ending lull
ok nuff talk'n time for do'n
Colleen |
| posted by Colleen on 06/30/2007 01:06 PM
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Here is my story! My baby girl, Giovinia (we call her Gia), was born Jan 3rd 2006. I had a c-section because she was breach. when we got home from the hospital it was very hard for me to get around. I was VERY jealous of my husband being able to take care of our little girl when it was very difficult for me. I felt like i was not getting that connection with her when he was. Once i was able to move around i
actually didnt want to take care of her. I remember my husband trying to hand Gia to me and i backed up. He said to me "why wont you take her!?!?" i realized what i was doing and just took her with out saying a word. Did what ever i had to do but i just didnt want to have her anymore! The whole baby thing is not what i expected. (im sure alot of moms say) But i was stuck with her. I stayed home for 2 months and then returned to work. I was relieved knowing that i didnt
have to take care of her during the day. just pass her to the day care and go along my way. When i got home from work i was very excited to see her and missed her so much! I never thought of having postpartum only because i had her for a couple hours at night before she would go to bed and then the weekends and i did enjoy the time with her (when she wasnt crying ..LOL)
2 months ago i was laid off =( and i have been staying home with gia since we really dont have the money for daycare. Although she is going 2 days a week. Things have been very tough for me. My marriage isnt that great right now. Im very angry and not sure why. i finally went to a therapist who says that i have postpartum depression. That just amazes me that after 18 mths you can still have that?? Sooo she had suggested i look up mommy groups where i could relate to other mothers and know im not alone. Maybe make some friends too.
I love my daughter and i love when she learns something new! with her being home with me i get excited when "I" teach her something and its not from daycare! (this is where i dont understand the therapist saying i have postpartum) But i have days where i just dont feel like doing a thing and i force myself to get up and play with her.
im so glad to be a part of this group... i see that im not alone! and dealing with this doesnt seem so horrible.
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| posted by Christina on 07/09/2007 08:35 AM
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| Wow!! I was hold my son when he was 2months in his crib and I had visions of shaking him. I was like what the hell could I be thinking. This little face depends on me for everything. He didnt ask to brought into this world. Now he is 4yrs old and the love of my life |
| posted by Laura on 07/09/2007 09:41 AM
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