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| Need to Vent Group |
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| ok ladies here it goes..... last night I saw a text message on my husbands cell from him to a girl saying " Only if you wear something nice for me " and she replied " Will Do" , see you then ". reason for me looking in the 1st place was he has been acting distant and yellling for no good reason. as of now I have approached him about it part of me wants to gather some more info before acting on it. only thing with that is it is hard to act like I know nothing. I have a feeling his reply will be it's nothing , if it is nothing I feel that is not an approbate text from a married man ! So ladie how would you handle this . |
| Posted by Patricia on 01/22/2009 09:42 AM
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OMG! This sooooo sounds like my situation w/ my ex! He was always very secretive and didnt like me looking in his phone (from the very beginning of our relationship) I know that should have been a red flag..but anyway.. His phone was never really just sitting around, unless he was sitting right there too. He would always have it in his pocket or on his hip, or whatever. One day he went somewhere and left his phone sitting on the kitchen counter, and I looked through the texts. He has a TON of friends, male and female, and I tried not to have a problem w/ it, b/c hes known all of them his whole life. And I met most of them. There was this one chick I really just never cared for..I thought she was shady, didnt trust her. So that day when I looked in his txt msgs, there was texts between them where he would ask her if she was going to a concert and she would say 'yeah, but you know im only going to see you" or she asked him what he's gonna give her for her birthday and he said "some peter" (meaning penis) He also called her sexy mama, and things like that, but whenever i had previously asked him about her, he was like Hell nah, i wouldnt mess w/ her, shes fat as hell..or something like that. Anyway, I confronted him about these msgs, and of course he said, it was nothing. He said he's always talked to her like that...they just joke that way.
*Excuse me while I clear my throat** " BULLSHIT!!!!!
So, in my personal opinion, to answer your question, yes I think he is cheating! As you said yourself, there is NO REASON for a married man to text those types of messages to another woman. NONE WHATSOEVER! If you can, I would definitely TRY to hold out until you can possibly gather some more evidence before you approach him. Look further in his txt history and see if there are more messages, and also scroll in the phonebook and see if there are any female or odd male names listed. (men arent as stupid as we think; he may put a females # under a mans name) So, please dont let him down play this situation as my ex tried to do..I didnt believe a word of what he said, but at that very time I had no where else to go so I had to stay..but I did leave when I had a way out. If he really insists its nothing, I would definitely suggest you talk to the other woman and see what she says..bet he wont let you!
Let us know what you do and the results! By the way, Im sorry you have to go through this if you do find out he is cheating. It is never a good feeling or a pretty picture to deal with. Men just dont realize what they have till its gone. |
| posted by Amy on 01/22/2009 10:07 AM
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| thanks |
| posted by Loni on 01/22/2009 10:25 AM
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I was in a simular situation. Never let them know you know anything. It will cause them to become more private about it.. It's best to talk to people you trust about the new things you find out. It makes it easier not to wanna confront him. When you have solid evidence then throw it in his face. As far as being distant and yelling, It's very common in either party if there cheating or planning on cheating. It makes it easier on him if he pushes you away. Things you can try.. Cook him a nice dinner and have him pick out a movie he likes and cuddle up and watc it after dinner. This will help you keep him close, Where he is less likely to cheat if he hasn't yet. Does he use the computer a lot?? If so you can install a program that takes screen shots and have it run in the background.. That way you can see what he does online. When I was in this situation I paid a lawyer to pull his text messages.. It costed $250.. But I tell you it was worth it in the end! I'm glad I'm away from him now! Oh yeah... As far as talking to the other woman snag her number the next time you look at his phone. That way you know if he set it to a males name.. And have the option to later contact her for answers.
Hope this helps |
| posted by Loni on 01/22/2009 10:27 AM
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I was in a simular situation. Never let them know you know anything. It will cause them to become more private about it.. It's best to talk to people you trust about the new things you find out. It makes it easier not to wanna confront him. When you have solid evidence then throw it in his face. As far as being distant and yelling, It's very common in either party if there cheating or planning on cheating. It makes it easier on him if he pushes you away. Things you can try.. Cook him a nice dinner and have him pick out a movie he likes and cuddle up and watch it after dinner. This will help you keep him close, Where he is less likely to cheat if he hasn't yet. Does he use the computer a lot?? If so you can install a program that takes screen shots and have it run in the background.. That way you can see what he does online. When I was in this situation I paid a lawyer to pull his text messages.. It costed $250.. But I tell you it was worth it in the end! I'm glad I'm away from him now! Oh yeah... As far as talking to the other woman snag her number the next time you look at his phone. That way you know if he set it to a males name.. And have the option to later contact her for answers.
Hope this helps |
| posted by Loni on 01/22/2009 10:27 AM
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Are you people kidding? Spyware software? Paying for text messages? No no no. Sneaking around isnt going to do your relationship any good. Patricia, you have all the information you need. You know something shady is going on. Trust your gut. Do you want proof that they have had sex? Is that going to make much of a difference in what you plan to do on your end? To me, anything he is doing do with another woman behind my back that he doesn't want me to know about, is cheating.
Confront him with what you already have. If its enough to make you uncomfortable, its all the proof you need. Tell him you want to see his phone and you want him in the room to answer questions as you go thru it. Find out who the people are. If you don't know them, get to know them. Married or seriously exclusive couples don't need "secret" friends. That fosters distrust and your relationship wont survive if you don't trust each other.
Call the woman and let her know you are uncomfortable with the relationship and the type of conversation she is having with your man. Look at his emails together. Get your information right there in front of him so he cant deny or lie about it later.
If he objects, its because he is hiding something. You don't need to know what it is or why. The knowledge that he is having relationships and conversations with men OR women that are too private for you to know about, is a red flag. Decide if that is the kind of relationship you want. Dr Phil says "If hes going to cheat, you cant build a fence around him high enough to keep him in".
If, after all the information comes out, you both still want to work things out, then the relationship needs to stay open. He should be free to check your stuff and you to check his any time. It might not be to late to prevent him from doing something an apology wont fix. Dont spend your time sneaking around and waiting for more proof to fall into your lap. This will make you anxious and angry. He will sense that and pull away even more. Fix it early. Get the facts. Be honest with each other and open those lines of communication. No secrets and no sneaking!!! |
| posted by Kelly on 01/22/2009 11:30 AM
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| well i am in the same situation,my husband cheats and i know he does.i caught phone numbers in his wallet and text messages and seen him in chat rooms and also on porn sites.he dont really deny it so i just wait till he goes to sleep and look at everything he does and it all comes out in the end.i got so much shit on him that if we were ever to get divorce u bet id get allomony.lol.thats sad to say.i have called these women and said to leave him alone and guess what?they havent called or texed him again.so yes if i were u id call the bitch and tell her to leave ur husband alone if she knows whats good for her.maybe this will help. |
| posted by angie on 01/22/2009 01:59 PM
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I COMPLETELY agree w/ Kelly & feel she gave the “right” answer, BUT, Kelly I think you are forgetting the emotion that goes w/ this. This is a hard situation because obviously Patricia's heart is involved. If she doesn’t get more info, her hubby can easily make her believe it was nothing. That’s already what she wants to believe so it won’t take much convincing. Unless she has one of those men that will try and turn it around on her. You know “WHAT! You went through my phone! I can’t believe u would do such a thing!” and then act like he’s so mad & hurt he cant talk to you right now. And hopefully, Patricia, you wont fall for this B.S. I think you could either try to get more info to help “plead ur case” or at least to be certain, but I would personally just hit him up about the text. Follow ur gut, we do have woman’s intuition. Just make sure you are prepared for whatever the out come may be. I hope for you and your children’s sake its nothing, but make sure u know what u r going to do if it turns out he is cheating. I mean, what if he tells you “Yes, I’ve been seeing her” What then? I’m sorry u have to go through this & no matter what the out come, please don’t act on emotion. Use your head & think of whats best for you and most importantly, your kids.
And Angie, (please dont take this the wrong way), but WTF!? Are you serious? Why do you stay with your husband? And why do you torture yourself by still snooping to try to find things when u already know the truth? |
| posted by April on 01/22/2009 05:04 PM
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Trust me! I know there is emotion involved. I know how much it hurts to be cheated on. I have done it the other way. I sat and tried to "gather" information. I believed he would never do that to me and was waiting for proof before I reacted. But looking back now, I feel like i should have confronted the situation head on. If I had been honest with him about my suspicions from the beginning, I may have been able to prevent the situation from escalating to the scale that it did.
He might be upset and try to flip it. Thats a very real possibility. But there is no reason for it to be considered snooping because they are married. At any point, she should be able to pick up his phone and look thru it without feeling like she is doing something wrong. If he has nothing to hide, then he would hide nothing.
And Angie... Oh Angie... There is no reason for anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship. There are a million men out there and you deserve to find one that will treat you with respect. Ditch your loser husband and move on to bigger and better things. |
| posted by Kelly on 01/22/2009 05:43 PM
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I would ask him what is he doing. You know this but I would ask him. I would not accept " its nothing either" Let me ask you. Are you prepared to do something if by some chance he admits it?? What would you do if he admits it or you catch him?? |
| posted by Marjorie on 01/22/2009 07:54 PM
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| I've been trying to think of a good excuse for that text, & I'm sorry, but I cant think of one. I could if he had just text 'only if you wear something nice' but its that last part 'for me' that just aint right. Like April & Marjorie asked, are you prepared to hear or find out what you may not want to? What if he is cheating? or was going to? |
| posted by Cindy on 01/22/2009 08:19 PM
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| I would feel jealous and definitely think he was cheating... Only two choices to make.. A) find out he is and deal with the pain. B) pretend you dont know... I personally couldnt prestend i dont know... |
| posted by ellen on 01/22/2009 10:06 PM
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If it looks like a duck, quacks like aduck and swims like a duck. Chances are it is a duck. So now Patricia, you have to decide what you are going to do about this. |
| posted by Marjorie on 01/23/2009 12:17 AM
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1st of all thank you all so much for the advise , you are all wonderful ladies and everyones advise helped me out. After Thrusday night and Friday mroning I had decided that I was not going to tip toe around this . life is way to short to waste anymore time dealing with what ever I was dealing with ........ SO Friday night with his phone in hand I Just ask can you explain this for me , as a married man this doesn't seem approbate . he did even try to pause like he was thinking of what to say, he went right in to it.and said " this women wants to go to the viewing for the falling fireman ( My husband is a captain in the fire dept) and I have to sent her home because she is not in uniform or her uniform is a mess. So I wanted her to know that she needs to dress nicely for me if she wants to go to the veiwing . He did state he choice of words may not have been the best and that he could see were to me it was looking fishy. and reminded me how he has nothing to hind. that his phone is always out on the counter. so we'll see :)
what a great feeling it is to know I have you all out there to run things by. THANKS !!!!!!!!! |
| posted by Patricia on 01/26/2009 02:19 PM
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Glad to be there for you. |
| posted by Marjorie on 01/26/2009 06:27 PM
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Thats awesome! Good job confronting the problem head on! Keep those lines of communication open! You both will be a lot happier in the end if you can talk things out!
By the way, Im happy that it worked out to be nothing! |
| posted by Kelly on 01/27/2009 12:07 AM
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| I'm so happy for you & your family Patricia. I'm sure now you can laugh at this. Good thing you didnt wait to try and find out more info because you would have just been torturing yourself for nothing! Ha ha ha, isn't it funny how we say things sometimes w/ out thinking how it may look or sound to others? I know I've done it before, more than once! |
| posted by April on 01/27/2009 03:21 PM
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| You are so right April.... sometimes my mounth forget's to wait for my brain !!!!!!! :) |
| posted by Patricia on 01/28/2009 02:02 PM
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