 |
|
|
|
| Need to Vent Group |
| Public online group |
|
|
| |
|
|
My fiance and I are not seeing eye-to-eye lately. I stay at home and he earns the income. I am at home with my two boys all day, which I love, but there are days when I need a break or just need comfort from him. I don't really feel like I am getting that. I am not exaggerating when I say that literally every day to every other day when he gets home from work someone is walking in the door with him. I will be in the middle of dinner and chasing my kids and the evening rituals and he brings company into the mix. Then he will socialize with the company and we have no time to talk about our days and the kids are pawing at him for attention and I need help and he is too busy with everyone else or on the phone. I don't mind company every once in a while but not everyday. It is hurting my feelings because I feel like he doesn't really want to be alone with me and the kids. It is hurting the routine I am trying so hard to stick to with my boys because I am having to step around other people and be somewhat social and do most of it by myself. I have talked to him about it and it will change for a week and then back to the same old thing. He also spends his free weekend time out doing things he wants to do most of the time. I don't ever get a break. I feel like I have to force him to do family outings and he kinda pouts about it. We have been together 3 years now and it has always been this way. It used to be worse, though. I know that when he met me he took on an instant family with myself and my oldest but now we have a child together and I am wondering how long it takes a man to get on board with family life. I have been putting off getting married because I am not sure it is the right time. I almost feel like we are on two seperate paths right now. Am I overreacting? Does anyone have advice on how I can approach this differently or help him see how really upsetting this is to me in the long term?
Kristin |
| Posted by Kris on 01/14/2009 02:48 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
Wow. There is so much to say about your situation. . .First of all, if you already had a child when he met you, and he made the conscious decision to be with and live with you AND your child, then at that time he should've been ready to take on the responsibilities that came with that decision!
As for him 'pouting' about family outtings or activities, thats absurd. If he wants to be in a relationship and wants it to work, then he needs to participate in it! It sounds like he wants to live his life and you live yours..his sounds like a single/kid free one. Ive been there w/ my ex. He was never around. Both of us worked but I did EVERYTHING involving the children and household..and he was basically a free man. Thats exactly why we arent together now..well, that and his blatant disrespect for me and the kids!
As for him bringing someone home w/ him, I was initially thinking that maybe he is just trying to keep adult friendships and keep up with 'real' life, or happenings outside of being a family man.. but if he is also going out on weekends and doing his own thing, it really sounds like he is in his own little bubble, and he's living a single life. I would definitely suggest talking to him about this asap. Let him know how busy you are and how it is hard for you to deal w/ company during the week.
I must say that when you talk to him dont do it in an accusatory manor. I have realized that men dont respond well to blame or anything that makes them look bad or like they did something wrong. It would probably be best to try to word everything as 'I noticed that WE havent been communicating/spending time/going out' etc.. or I noticed a change in OUR routine/life.. or if you want him to help more w/ the kids make a list of daily chores/activities, and say I have been struggling w/ ..... and I'd like to know if you can help me with something.. and show him the list and see if he can agree to certain things on a daily/weekly basis. But if it has been going on for the entire 3 yrs then he may not know where you are coming from b/c he is used to being able to do and get away with the things he does.
I am only giving my opinion based on what I have read from your post and what I have experienced myself. I always suggest talking. Communication is key in any relationship and it doesnt sound like you have good communication w/ your spouse. I hope you can work things out or at least decide what is best for you and your children. |
| posted by Amy on 01/14/2009 03:22 PM
|
|
|
|
|
You deserve better than this for sure!
You need to tell him how you're feeling, and say that you don't want to be having this same conversation about the same issues again in a week.
Put your foot down - no company unannounced during the week. Period. You're trying to keep to some sort of sanity schedule, and he's making it impossible. It makes zero difference who earns the money in the house - you're supposed to respect each-other.
As far as family life "kicking in", my husband stepped into the father role the second I found out we were pregnant....it's a decision to be made. Not something you should have to stress about waiting for.
Good luck honey. |
| posted by on 01/14/2009 04:41 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Hey Kristin, I am sorry you are struggling so much with your fiance. Amy & Lauren gave good advice. Definitely communicate your problems with your fiance to him & let him know how much you want him to be more involved in the family. Also, maybe you should let him know that if he gets to go out with his friends on the weekends sometimes, you need to get out & spend time away from the kids as well. We moms need a break too! I am also a stay at home mom with 2 boys & my husband works. Occasionally I feel he is not helping enough with the baby when he gets home, but then I just tell him he is taking over the baby for a little bit (don't ask, just tell him). I don't think men realize how much work it is to be a stay at home mom, with the housework, cooking, carting the kids off to school and activities & childcare. My husband is usually very sensitive to this & tries hard to be supportive & doesn't do any activities outside of the family without asking me or letting me know far in advance. I hope things work out Kristin, let us know how it is going! :) |
| posted by Katie on 01/14/2009 09:59 PM
|
|
|
|
|
they are not his kids i assume, as you havent made mention that they are both of yours.
that said, the kids are YOUR resposibility. 'helping' is one thing, but you seem to want him to just step in and be 'daddy'. after the wedding then he is expected to take the role, not before.
of course, some do things differently. i would leave him if you are unhappy. marriage wont change a persons behavior. |
| posted by ERIN on 01/15/2009 04:03 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Erin are you serious? LOL. |
| posted by Eva on 01/16/2009 09:23 AM
|
|
|
|
|
OMG Erin, that was a mean post! If you took the time to read the original post, you'd see that they have a child together and she has one from a previous relationship, but really, who cares? He proposed to this woman, to love her and respect her forever....this includes the children...should he treat one of them differently than the other???? YIKES!
Kristin, I would ignore that post if I were you. |
| posted by on 01/16/2009 09:43 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Thank you Lauren. That response just disgusted me.
Even if he didn't respond, they live together so obviously he made the decision to raise both children if they were his or not. Some people should just leave their ignorant opinions to themselves, especially when someone is looking for advice and candor from other others. |
| posted by Eva on 01/16/2009 10:29 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Kris, sounds like your fiance wants to have his cake & eat it, too. He wants to have the picture of the "family" at his desk at work. Wants to bring people home to see his lovely "wife" and kids & eat some of the delicious food wifey whipped up. BUT, when it comes to the responsibility of it, he wants nothing to do w/ it. Selfish? Maybe, but I definitely think it's normal human behavior. Who wouldnt want to receive a pay check w/ out having to work, right? Someone said you needed to put your foot down and implement a "No unannounced company" rule & I agree.
Maybe you can explain to him how you would love to be living the single life, too, however you both decided to give that lifestyle up the minute you moved in together & defenitely when you had a child together. Dont get me wrong, I love my daughter to death & would rather be at home w/ her than out w/ my friends, but that doesnt mean I dont think back to my worry free, care free party days & smile every now and then. It would be nice to have NO responsibilty for some time, but that's a closed chapter in my life & the minute we have children our lives are no longer ours to live. We need to live for our children. That's why raising children is soo hard. Any one can have kids. Like Chris Tucker says "Hell, even roaches have babies" but its changing your lifestyle to raise your kids right that's the difficult part.
Personally, I'd tell him I understand why he would want to keep living the lifestyle he's living & tell him I understand if he suddenly feels overwhelmed. Then I'd tell him to man up and get over it. Time to grow up and be a (real) man. |
| posted by April on 01/16/2009 03:19 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Oh April that was such a great post! :) |
| posted by on 01/16/2009 05:37 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
