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I'm a divorced mom with two school age kids (8&12) and I moved in with my boyfriend about 4 months ago. He also has two kids (11&14) who live every other week with their dad. My children spend only weekends with their father (my daughter only every other weekend). My boyfriend makes very good money at his job but most of his salary goes to his ex in alimony/child support. Due to that fact, I end up paying for most of our expenses (I also have a good job but my salary is about 30% lower than his). His ex doesn't work and the judge awarded her alimony thru Dec 2011. I cannot imagine how my boyfriend would be able to make a living if I wasn't helping him financially. Even when we were dating and living separately I've paid for a couple of trips so we could get away and split the cost with him in 1/2 of another trip. I bought him things for his home, clothes, since he didn't have much. I telecommute from home so I happen to be the one to take the girls (mine and his) to school in the a.m. (he takes the boys to the elementary school) and I pick up all the kids from school in the afternoon. I do the laundry, clean the house, make most of the meals, make school lunches for all the kids in the mornings. I do most of the grocery shopping. I pay a couple of thousand dollars every month for his credit cards because I want him to be able to pay them off. Every now and then I surprise him with something special, like a trip to a spa, a book, dinner, etc. BTY: to be with him, I had to sell my home and move 70 miles to where he lives, taking my kids out of their familiar environment, away from their schools and friends. I felt very guilty about that but I was in love and also wanted to get away from my small town with all its gossip.
I think I'm a total giver but I also want to feel special once in a while... Am I selfish and wrong? After we moved in, we started having arguments about different things, the kids, our relationship... I've been stressed and crying a lot. I feel unappreciated and his kids are sometimes rude to me. I told him that I wish someone would make me feel special once in a while. I wonder what is wrong with me. I'm attractive, educated, friendly, giving... His ex not only gets a big check from him every month but on top of it has a boyfriend who takes her places, buys her things... I don't get any of that... I don't want to sound selfish but I think I give so much that I also deserve something in return. I told him all that and we got into a huge argument. I was told that as much as he'd like to do special things for me, he has no money and that he thought he was doing things to make me feel special: he tells me "I love you", thinks about me all the time while at work, all his friends know how much he loves me, bought me a nice Christmas present, he does laundry and housework sometimes to help. I said that it doesn't take much $$ to make a woman feel special. It would be nice to get a flower once a while, or a small gift. I don't think that his help with housework can be counted because I work full time too and do much more around the house than he does. I was told that I put a $$ amount on a relationship and he's tired of that. He asked me if I'm trying to make him move out... Then he apologized and admitted that maybe he isn't doing special things for me and that he'll try harder to meet my expectations.
Am I asking for too much, am I selfish to ask for anything?
When we were living apart, he'd come over and spend weekends with me in my house. I'd treat him like a prince, do things for him... I remember him saying, "I can't wait to get down on my knee and ask you to marry me.", "You'd look so beautiful in a white dress." Well, It's almost a year and he hasn't asked me to marry him. I mentioned that to him ab. a month ago - we ended up having another argument... I was told that I want to rush into things, that he is very committed and it wouldn't make any of the kids happy if we got married so soon... Another blow to my ego... I feel like I'm good enough to do all the things I'm doing but I'm not good enough to be asked to marry him...
Any advice? Anyone in similar situation?
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| Posted by ivona on 01/05/2009 01:13 PM
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| Lol.im in your spot.and i was in your spot.i married my hubby 4yrs ago.we got together 7yrs ago.he has 3 bratty boys an a spoiled exwife.he too paid a bundle in support.he couldnt make it without me either.plus his ex bought a house has nice things.trips.new cars.not fair! i use to be bitter about it.but now all these yrs later.i still cant stand his kids.they are almost grown now.and support does go down in time.it sucks i no.but i promise it will get better.2 of his kids are over18.now we have 2yrs left for the last.thank god.i could tell u stories.lol.but ill run out of space.u can write to me.we can visit more |
| posted by amanda on 01/05/2009 05:59 PM
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| Lol.im in your spot.and i was in your spot.i married my hubby 4yrs ago.we got together 7yrs ago.he has 3 bratty boys an a spoiled exwife.he too paid a bundle in support.he couldnt make it without me either.plus his ex bought a house has nice things.trips.new cars.not fair! i use to be bitter about it.but now all these yrs later.i still cant stand his kids.they are almost grown now.and support does go down in time.it sucks i no.but i promise it will get better.2 of his kids are over18.now we have 2yrs left for the last.thank god.i could tell u stories.lol.but ill run out of space.u can write to me.we can visit more |
| posted by amanda on 01/05/2009 05:59 PM
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| Im kinda in your spot also.. but not married. Ive been with my bf for a lil over 2yrs. we have a 14month old daughter and he has a 6yr old son. he pays alot in child support. she has her own place, and nice things. and we struggle to pay our bills. and sometimes i feel like he doesnt appreciate the things i do for him. I think that he is very selfish and ungratful. He lost his licenses for 2 yrs. I get up early in the morning. get my daughter up, get her ready, get myself ready, wake him up, then i drive him to work, then turn around and drive a half hour to drop my daughter off to daycare, then drive 15 more minutes to get to work. i work all day, then pick up my daughter, pick him up from work, go home, cook dinner, while dinner is cooking i then put laundry in the wash. then after dinner i wash the dishes, then give my daughter a bath and put her to bed, then i get a bath and get ready for bed. he does NOTHING.. and alls i ask is for a lil help. things will get done faster then we would have time to relax together.. i do sssoo much. and i feel like he doesn't even put an effort into anything. he comes home from work, and asks "what are we having for dinner" then sits on the couch. so not fair!! on top of everything else. I take care of my great aunt that is very sick. i take her to the store, and clean her house, ect. i let his sister borrow my car all the time. I pick up my little sisters and have them stay with me on the weekends.. i do alot. and sometimes i dont even know how i do it all.. i guess i consider myself to be wonder woman.lol i just wish my life would get better, and sometimes i make myself think it will. but deep down, i know its not. i feel like he is just stalling my life, and holding me back from alot of things, i love him dearly, and i dont wanna break up our family. it just seems like nothing works! so anyways.. i wish you the best of luck in everything. i think you guys just need to communicate a little better. you want certain things, and he doesn't know that you want them. maybe if you sit down and talk to him about them.. it'll sink in..lol then he'll know what you want.. i mean come on.. guys are not genuises.. and they can't read our my minds.. i think we all just want the fairy tale ending, and we are trying to find prince charming..lol i just dont think he exist. |
| posted by Megan on 01/07/2009 02:11 PM
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Gosh you are playing my song girl!!
You are not asking to much in my eyes BUT unfortunately when we give give give give (no matter if it is with sig others, kids, friends or family) people are not only gonna take take take take but take for granted and expect it all the time.. Communication is key BUT it seems like whenever I try to talk to my hubby about it, he feels like I am criticizing him....its a real tough spot to be in!!! any romantic relationship is hard in itself but then you add kids into it and its 100 times harder!!! throw in a crazy ex and HELLO=instant nervous breakdown!
Just know that you are not alone, do your very best to not sweat the small stuff....pick and choose your battles and try to get your point across in a positive way...if you need to chat..feel free to look me up! |
| posted by gina on 01/13/2009 04:34 PM
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Women are givers. The problem is, we give until we have nothing left anymore.
for starters, "helping around the house" isn't for you, it is for the family. A family that he has an obligation to. He's not doing you a favor by doing a load of laundry. That's like a man saying he is babysitting his own kids.
Help your bf know what types of things would make you feel special that don't cost money. Courtesy and consideration go a long way with me. Just being asked once in a while, "can I do anything for you" makes me feel good. Even asking you to go out for a cup of coffee on a saturday afternoon, or for dessert on a weeknight. Nothing expensive, just time away for the two of you to enjoy peace and quiet.
Sadly, if he doesn't wake up and start treating you with the courtesy that you treat him, you are going to resent him and stop being so nice. That's when things really start going down hill. Believe me, I know. That's a road that I never want to go down again.
Hang in there.
Angie Blackwell, The Parenting Coach
http://www.blackwellfamilyresources.com |
| posted by Angie on 02/21/2009 05:14 PM
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