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I'm a divorced mom with two school age kids (8&12) and I moved in with my boyfriend about 4 months ago. He also has two kids (11&14) who live every other week with their dad. My children spend only weekends with their father (my daughter only every other weekend). My boyfriend makes very good money at his job but most of his salary goes to his ex in alimony/child support. Due to that fact, I end up paying for most of our expenses (I also have a good job but my salary is about 30% lower than his). His ex doesn't work and the judge awarded her alimony thru Dec 2011. I cannot imagine how my boyfriend would be able to make a living if I wasn't helping him financially. Even when we were dating and living separately I've paid for a couple of trips so we could get away and split the cost with him in 1/2 of another trip. I bought him things for his home, clothes, since he didn't have much. I telecommute from home so I happen to be the one to take the girls (mine and his) to school in the a.m. (he takes the boys to the elementary school) and I pick up all the kids from school in the afternoon. I do the laundry, clean the house, make most of the meals, make school lunches for all the kids in the mornings. I do most of the grocery shopping. I pay a couple of thousand dollars every month for his credit cards because I want him to be able to pay them off. Every now and then I surprise him with something special, like a trip to a spa, a book, dinner, etc. BTY: to be with him, I had to sell my home and move 70 miles to where he lives, taking my kids out of their familiar environment, away from their schools and friends. I felt very guilty about that but I was in love and also wanted to get away from my small town with all its gossip.
I think I'm a total giver but I also want to feel special once in a while... Am I selfish and wrong? After we moved in, we started having arguments about different things, the kids, our relationship... I've been stressed and crying a lot. I feel unappreciated and his kids are sometimes rude to me. I told him that I wish someone would make me feel special once in a while. I wonder what is wrong with me. I'm attractive, educated, friendly, giving... His ex not only gets a big check from him every month but on top of it has a boyfriend who takes her places, buys her things... I don't get any of that... I don't want to sound selfish but I think I give so much that I also deserve something in return. I told him all that and we got into a huge argument. I was told that as much as he'd like to do special things for me, he has no money and that he thought he was doing things to make me feel special: he tells me "I love you", thinks about me all the time while at work, all his friends know how much he loves me, bought me a nice Christmas present, he does laundry and housework sometimes to help. I said that it doesn't take much $$ to make a woman feel special. It would be nice to get a flower once a while, or a small gift. I don't think that his help with housework can be counted because I work full time too and do much more around the house than he does. I was told that I put a $$ amount on a relationship and he's tired of that. He asked me if I'm trying to make him move out... Then he apologized and admitted that maybe he isn't doing special things for me and that he'll try harder to meet my expectations.
Am I asking for too much, am I selfish to ask for anything?
When we were living apart, he'd come over and spend weekends with me in my house. I'd treat him like a prince, do things for him... I remember him saying, "I can't wait to get down on my knee and ask you to marry me.", "You'd look so beautiful in a white dress." Well, It's almost a year and he hasn't asked me to marry him. I mentioned that to him ab. a month ago - we ended up having another argument... I was told that I want to rush into things, that he is very committed and it wouldn't make any of the kids happy if we got married so soon... Another blow to my ego... I feel like I'm good enough to do all the things I'm doing but I'm not good enough to be asked to marry him...
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| Posted by ivona on 01/05/2009 01:12 PM
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