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I'm a divorced mom with two school age kids (8&12) and I moved in with my boyfriend about 4 months ago. He also has two kids (11&14) who live every other week with their dad. My children spend only weekends with their father (my daughter only every other weekend). My boyfriend makes very good money at his job but most of his salary goes to his ex in alimony/child support. Due to that fact, I end up paying for most of our expenses (I also have a good job but my salary is about 30% lower than his). His ex doesn't work and the judge awarded her alimony thru Dec 2011. I cannot imagine how my boyfriend would be able to make a living if I wasn't helping him financially. Even when we were dating and living separately I've paid for a couple of trips so we could get away and split the cost with him in 1/2 of another trip. I bought him things for his home, clothes, since he didn't have much. I telecommute from home so I happen to be the one to take the girls (mine and his) to school in the a.m. (he takes the boys to the elementary school) and I pick up all the kids from school in the afternoon. I do the laundry, clean the house, make most of the meals, make school lunches for all the kids in the mornings. I do most of the grocery shopping. I pay a couple of thousand dollars every month for his credit cards because I want him to be able to pay them off. Every now and then I surprise him with something special, like a trip to a spa, a book, dinner, etc. BTY: to be with him, I had to sell my home and move 70 miles to where he lives, taking my kids out of their familiar environment, away from their schools and friends. I felt very guilty about that but I was in love and also wanted to get away from my small town with all its gossip.
I think I'm a total giver but I also want to feel special once in a while... Am I selfish and wrong? After we moved in, we started having arguments about different things, the kids, our relationship... I've been stressed and crying a lot. I feel unappreciated and his kids are sometimes rude to me. I told him that I wish someone would make me feel special once in a while. I wonder what is wrong with me. I'm attractive, educated, friendly, giving... His ex not only gets a big check from him every month but on top of it has a boyfriend who takes her places, buys her things... I don't get any of that... I don't want to sound selfish but I think I give so much that I also deserve something in return. I told him all that and we got into a huge argument. I was told that as much as he'd like to do special things for me, he has no money and that he thought he was doing things to make me feel special: he tells me "I love you", thinks about me all the time while at work, all his friends know how much he loves me, bought me a nice Christmas present, he does laundry and housework sometimes to help. I said that it doesn't take much $$ to make a woman feel special. It would be nice to get a flower once a while, or a small gift. I don't think that his help with housework can be counted because I work full time too and do much more around the house than he does. I was told that I put a $$ amount on a relationship and he's tired of that. He asked me if I'm trying to make him move out... Then he apologized and admitted that maybe he isn't doing special things for me and that he'll try harder to meet my expectations.
Am I asking for too much, am I selfish to ask for anything?
When we were living apart, he'd come over and spend weekends with me in my house. I'd treat him like a prince, do things for him... I remember him saying, "I can't wait to get down on my knee and ask you to marry me.", "You'd look so beautiful in a white dress." Well, It's almost a year and he hasn't asked me to marry him. I mentioned that to him ab. a month ago - we ended up having another argument... I was told that I want to rush into things, that he is very committed and it wouldn't make any of the kids happy if we got married so soon... Another blow to my ego... I feel like I'm good enough to do all the things I'm doing but I'm not good enough to be asked to marry him...
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| Posted by ivona on 01/05/2009 01:10 PM
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| He may be scared to be married again. Have you talked to him about why he hasn't asked? He may just want to do it a special way but can't afford it right now. I know where your coming from. I guess it's only the special men that give women a present or a nice afternoon. I've asked my husband several times and he turns it down. Also it's hard to afford things these days because of the world. I don't think some men know how to give a nice evening to their girlfriends or wives. lol. My husband couldn't plan it. Good luck. I'd just wait and see what happens. |
| posted by Kris on 01/05/2009 03:45 PM
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Thanks for your response Kris. Yes, it feels like the "romantic" days are a thing of the past now days. Many men don't feel like then need to do anything to keep the relationship going and we women are just "nagging" when we ask for a little attention... When it gets tough, men just move on while we are left behind emotionally hurt.
To answer your question, he did say that he is very committed to our relationship and wants to get married in the "future" (whatever that means...) I just want to be treated special sometimes...
Are there any romantic men left in this world?? |
| posted by ivona on 01/05/2009 04:02 PM
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You're not crazy or asking for too much, but you are forgetting men dont think the way we do. My daughter's dad ALWAYS used to give me cash for b-day, x-mas, etc. I used to complain how he'd put no thought in to it and blah blah blah. This year for x-mas I didnt expect anything from him since we aren't together, but since he's trying to get back w/ me, I wasnt shocked at a gift. I was shocked at the fact he actually bought me something though. A white gold diamond bracelet. He said "Here and that's not enough for a woman who gave me such a beautiful daughter" How nice huh? You know what my selfish as thought? "I would have Sooooooo prefered the money in cash he spent on this". I dont have anything else that's white gold, so I'd have to get white gold earings (at least) to wear the bracelet. Being I've been totally broke lately, I would have prefered the money. Hell, I need an oil change more than I need a bracelet! I could have bought those boots at the mall I've been eye balling for a month now! I could have put some of that money in my savings so it can start to look like a savings again! I think sometimes men are right, we as women are hard to please. Although I agree I dont consider house work a "gift" or something special, maybe your man does. I know I'd rather get a massage from my ex than anything else sometimes. The flower thing, my ex's attitude is "They're going to die. Why would u want them? That's a waste of money" until I once told him "Well, ur going to die one day too, right? So why should I want you, right?" ha ha ha. I still have NEVER received flowers from him.
You know I'd give that beautiful bracelet up in a heart beat to just be able to be w/ my ex and be happy. What good is it to receive expensive gifts now that I left him for hurting me so much when we were together? I think you should just enjoy your relationship & maybe stop spending soo much money and effort on your man if it's going to keep making you feel like your getting the shorter end of the stick. |
| posted by April on 01/05/2009 04:03 PM
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Thank you April. Yes, happiness is priceless... and you're right, I should stop spending money to do things for him. Maybe that will be a wake up call and he'll notice that the giving was only one-sided.
Good luck with your man! I hope you two work things out! |
| posted by ivona on 01/05/2009 04:08 PM
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Dear Ivona,
I do not think you are crazy.. I think you are adjusting to a new life that has some bumps in the road... Your feelings are totally legitimate.. doing so much to get things straightened out so you and your BF can have a better life plays on ones mind and body... taking care of children in general is rough alone and taking care of external family can be quite a challenge when you are getting to know them and them you.....Feeling unappreciated would set in....But it is ok.. because you have Love and you are strong enough to get back on the path of yoru goals....I believe in a short time all will be ok.. when some bills get paid and the stress of not worrying so much or focussing on it so much will give you more playing room.. I also believe the kids will become closer and more accepting to their new external family.. I believe your BF will become more romantic when he sees his way through his burdens....
Take a deep breath Girl.... you will need it to ride this bull...... |
| posted by ellen on 01/05/2009 09:37 PM
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Ivona, you are not crazy but April was right when she said Men dont think the way we do. They think the littlest things mean something...which they do, but sometimes not in the way they think they do. Cleaning up or doing housework isnt romantic or special... but it is helpful and appreciated. I know my ex used to act like every little thing he did (VERY SELDOM) around the house was a big deal. If he did something I would always thank him or say Good Job or something to let him know it was noticed, b/c I wanted to encourage him to continue doing it, but then I realized, No one ever tells me good job, or thanks me for all the stuff I do around the house, and Ivona, I was doing the same things as you and more, but we had 4 children that are ours, none from outside relationships. I was doing everything alone. But he wasnt treating me right and he was very disrespectful and degrading.. It sounds like you've got a good man, but he is going through a lot right now. I know you are feeling like the finances are all falling on you, but it sounds like some of the things you are doing are by choice. Like someone else said, maybe you should stop doing the 'special' things you do for him and see if he notices or says anything. You could put that extra money away to treat yourself to something. Sometimes if I knew my ex was struggling and I had extra money I would take us all to dinner or something like that, even though he wasnt paying for it we were spending time together and to me it was worth it.
The only other thing I can say is when you do approach him to talk about how you feel, think very carfully about the wording of your statements. If a man feels like he's being attacked, he will automatically take the defense and it will turn to an argument. Try not to say things like 'I do everything or You make me feel.." you want to say I have been feeling...xxx is there something WE can do to work on this? Try to use very neutral words that dont place blame on anyone. I hope you can get things worked out.. oh, and dont rush into the marriage thing, he probably is afraid to do it again especially since he's paying his ex so much money. Give it another yr and then see where you stand. |
| posted by Amy on 01/06/2009 09:06 AM
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