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| Need to Vent Group |
| Public online group |
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| I will start from the beginging of my life when I met my husband I guess. I met him through some of my friends (at the time). He was also friends with them. He had a one year old son then and only saw him everyother weekened. He lived with his grandparents because he didn't get along with his parents. He was drinking and was straightening his life up from doing drugs all the time. He enjoys to party. In my life at the time I was going through my parents divorce that was extremely bad. My mother is a drunk and my dad tended to drink more when he was mad. I stayed with my dad because I couldn't get along with my mom. My Dad stopped talking to me and when he would talk we would argue and he'd ended up pushing me into my bed or table. He'd throw things at me, etc. So I was going through alot at that point in my life. My grandfather also died right before my parents divorced. I was extremely close to him. So when I was about to turn 16 I met my husband. I wanted attention so I acted stupid to get it from someone. My husband found it annoying but we ended up dating. So being as young as I was at the time I stopped talking to EVERY friend I had. My husband tells me they weren't nice to me but I thought they were. Anyways, When I was 17 I ended up moving out of my Dad's and moved to another state with my boyfriend (husband). I also started to be a mother to his son. I was working at a daycare and he ended up living with us full time. So at 16/17 years old I started to take care of him. My husband mother was the one taking care of him most the time when we couldn't. So my stepson and mother in-law have a very tight bond. My mother in-law gives him everything he wants and it doesn't matter what I say or do. I got pregnant and lost the baby when I was 18. Then I got pregnant when I was 19 and the baby had neural tube defect (lost her), Then my next pregnancy I did deliever that baby but I was in a head on-collusion. So I am still recovering from that. I am pregnant again right now. Now my marriage is a mess and I don't know what the hell happened. I mean our marriage has been so stressful. My husband wants me to change to a different person. I've done everything I can. He wants me to be outgoing and chill out. I am not outgoing at all. I chill out when I want. He plays the computer game every second of the day. I told him I can't stand it because theres shit around the house that needs to be done and we have kids he could give attention to. My husband has anger problems and has learned how to calm down before throwing shit. Hasn't done nothing like that in a really long time. So he tells me that I don't have any skills other then drawing and I suck at math and english, etc. My Dad used to tell me the same shit. Of course I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I started to go to beauty school at nights. I haven't been so stressed out lately. My mom is about to get out of jail so I'm happy about that. But My husband's family likes to talk shit about me. My nieces had some virus and they were throwing up so I didn't want to go there because they were sick. My mother in-law and husband were of course pissed. Our kids ended up sick. Our daughter has had a fever on and off since Christmas. And my stepson has had the shits and barfing. My husband was pissed because they were sick and he couldn't celbrate his favorite holiday. The kids seemed fine on New years eve. So we went to my mother in-laws. My husband started drinking alot. My daughter ended up banging her head on the table and had this huge knot on her head that was filling up with blood. After that I was scared to death. I asked my husband to come upstairs and help me. He came up and got pissed because I had to stop there beer bong game. I was so upset. I let him know it once we left and the day afterwards. He wanted to stay at his parents and drink more after midnight. My daughter fell asleep and my stepson wanted to go home. I told my husband I was tired and was ready to leave. My daughter ended up with a concusion. My brother inlaw lives with his parents still because him and his wife have two kids and they are 21. So of course they were partying and the grandparents were stressed out because they had to take care of them plus another friends baby. My mother in-law told me I wish they'd come and take care of there kids. My husband wanted me to leave our kids upstairs and enjoy myself with the younger people. Of course I didn't. I wasn't drinking. I went down for a while and watched them but I don't like being around drunks. My sister in-laws friend was there and her boobs were popping out of her shirt. My husband wouldn't take his eyes off. I was so upset. I was standing there and was like hello???? I got a pretty large amount of money from the settlement from my accident. Of course there's nothing left really. My husband took money out to go and buy wii games. My mom, dad and sister told me to be careful with the money because it seemed like my husband was in it for the money. He has let alot of people in his family borrow it. I told him I didn't want them to because it's ours. Then he said they helped us we need to help them. I did not want to led my mother in-law money because they were getting there drive way done. And she pays for everything my brother and sister in-law do and there bills because they are to lazy to get jobs. So, the end result of this is my husband told me he doesn't need me for anything. He is able to do it all on his own. Including sex. Our sex lifes suck. I've tried everything and whatever I do he doesn't like or he is to busy into a game. I am about to call it quites. I'm so stressed out. My life isn't what I wanted. I wanted to go to art school when I got done with high school. But I gave it up for my stepson to live with us. My husband went to school while I watched his son. Now I'm in beauty school and I do like it but art is life. I love to draw and paint. Of course I stopped doing that too since my stepson moved in. I had dreams and I know not all of them can come true. I wouldn't change my life for anything right now. Well instead my marriage. My husband tells me he hates that my stepson and I don't have a bond that my daughter and I have. I treat them the same. My stepson pulls the shit well your not my mom and I hate you. He tries to pull shit with me all the time and my husband does care. The problem is my stepson and I are only 15 years apart. So he's more of a brother to me. I can't change that. |
| Posted by Kris on 01/04/2009 10:24 AM
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I read your venting post and have been left with so many questions.. How old are you today? how old is your stepson?
Overall, You have to make some major grown up decisions....you are wasting away in mental abuse, low self esteem, and fighting with trying to be an attentive mother and handle grown up responsibilities.. honestly you sound so young.. the point is, are you just releiving your stress or are you looking for advice to help you on a path of clarity? |
| posted by ellen on 01/04/2009 11:08 AM
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| I am 22 years old. My stepson is 7 years old. I want advise on how to handle this. I've tried for so long. I am also venting because I don't know anybody where I live and I don't have any friends. I talk to my mom about everything but she's in jail right now and I can't talk to her. So, I feel like I'm losing my mind, I am also a very shy person. It's hard for me to make friends because I don't know how to talk or what to say to someone. I'm just worried people are going to talk shit about me I guess. I panic very easy. |
| posted by Kris on 01/04/2009 01:15 PM
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First I want to say that it is easy to give advice on other people's lives. But you are the only one that really knows the situations. What I am trying to say is not all advice is good, I could give you advice to one extreme and you take it and then it really messes things up worse. So just think real long and hard before you take any advice very seriously.
My first thought is that you need to take control of your life. It sounds like your husband does not want to grow up and take responsibility for a lot of things. It sounds like a very bad situation. Your life and how people treat you are due to you. Your life is what you make it, and people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. This is a Dr. Phil quote, "The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship, is being in a bad relationship for 1 day longer." That is soooo true. If you are not happy and you are that miserable, only you can change that. There comes a time in life that you need to grow up and take care of things. It sounds like you are trying to do just that, but your husband is not. There is sooo much more to life and you don't always see that when you are fighting, basicaly, just to exist. I know that from experience. It is really hard to change your life, but it can be done. My mom always told me that when a door shuts in your face God always opens a window, and it is your job to find it and deal with it accordingly. When things in your life are going right things are just easier. You will see. Everything should not be a struggle. It should not be hard to live, and it should not be hard to love. I think you need to make some changes, and to me it sounds like that is what you want to do, you are just waiting for someone to tell you it is okay to do it. You have been with your husband for a good time period, and you need to know that there is life without him, if that is what you choose to do.
Good luck, I hope I have helped some. You just need to weight the pros and cons of your life. Maybe literally make a list on paper and figure it out that way. But really think about things before you act, either way. |
| posted by Kim on 01/04/2009 02:15 PM
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well I agree with kim to some degree as far as giving advice and expecting you to take it.. But giving ideas on this line is why we are here kim so here is my advice/idea kris.....
make a list of all the things you mentioned here as pro and cons.. the personal desires you have for yourself, the structure of what you home should be to you kris... the ideas of career and motherly....
then decipher what you are in control of and what you have no control of.. for instance, you have no control of getting your husband to stop drinking t.. this is a personal choice he has to make and since you spoke about being a person who grew up in an alcoholic abusive home to me you found yourself finding comfort in a relationship of the same nature...
But, you do have control of your self and the person you want to be.. I will tell you for 22 you are very mature when it comes to family...You sound like your head is on straight as far as your ideals but your lack of confidence in oneself and value of family structure is putting you in a bind... I think you (KRIS) need to work on positive buiding in your confidence then you woudl see Hubby int good for you.. sorry but true.. If you cant say or be equal then this relationship isnt good for you.. Your money should have had your input in whether you lent it out or not.. You should have a say... being he money is gone now.. you need to redevelop a plan.. thank God you are truly young enough to turn this around....
on this note I will say I also hope I helped you in some degree..
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| posted by ellen on 01/04/2009 06:43 PM
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Kris,
My heart goes out to you, honestly I think you are a strong person to have gone thru what you have gone thru by 22! Take your experiences as lessons, it shapes you. Make it for the good and leave the bad. Get a journel, it helps to vent your frustrations, jot down your ideas, and your goals, and love yourself! Yes you have the needs of others to meet but dont forget about yourself from time to time. You have the advantage of knowing what you want, does your husband? Maybe that's a conversation you both need to have.
Continue to be strong, TAKE CARE OF YOU, reconnect with the interests you had once upon a time,.... it helps you be a better person. Also I personally have recently realized that there are things that we can control and things we cannot. For the things/situations we cannot control realize what we can control is our reaction to those situations.
BE DO HAVE!
Be commited
Do what it takes
Have what you want***
Figure out what this is and your husband as well, let him play his games while you paint or tend to the kids. And when he passes up opportunities to help soothe or play with the kids it's "his loss" not theres. There's so many more things I can say but I'd recommend starting with a journel, good old paper and pen helps one to reflect on previous entries, and pick up an old hobby of yours and go from there. Good Luck & let us know how you do... from women to women, mother to mother and wife to wife; YOU COME 1st, the Kids 2nd, and Husband last! Although one some days I'd say Marriage comes first but it depends on the day! God Bless & when you feel anxious slow deep breathes help! |
| posted by Yoni on 01/05/2009 02:07 AM
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Ellen,
What you said I totally agree with. That is what I was basically trying to say, I think that you maybe just made it clearer than I did. I know that you did not mean anything bad with disagreeing with some of what I said, about why this web site is here. I 100% agree, but I just wanted to tell her to think real hard before taking any advice, basically. I would hate to think that someone broke their marriage up because of something I said on here. Even if I think it would be for the better. That is why I said what I did about taking the advice.
Just wanted to explain myself, and, again I know I did not need to. I just wanted to. Again I agree with you, we were on the same track. You just worded it better. |
| posted by Kim on 01/05/2009 02:16 AM
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| My husband and I have talked and what he wants is for me to be more like his mom and his grandmother. They don't give a shit about nothing. And I'm sorry I do not want to be like them. I am me and I told him if that's what he wants maybe he should consider moving back in with his mother. I am who I am and I will not change to be someone that I don't even care for. Maybe I care to much about my family and parents but at least I care. When I told him my mom was going to jail I needed support and all he said was awful shit about her. I think she needed to pay her time but the fact is it's hard for me because I was close to her. She was my only friend. My sister has a loud mouth. The last couple of months have been very hard. I thought my marriage was doing good. Well better then it has been. I let go a little. But I am not the type of person and will never be that person that will do whatever he wants me to do or be like. I'm not changing myself to be someone I'm not. He says hurtful things to me like I don't have any other skills then art. I am sorry I am not giving up art because he doesn't like it. I am up for new things. But when I had nobody there for me before it was myself and sketch pad so that's how I lived for the years I had to. And he wants me to get into other shit then Art and listening to Elton John. But thats what I'm into. Maybe I don't see it. I'm into for trying new things but that's how I have fun. He likes to party for fun. I don't I can have my own party for myself and draw. What I love to do. He loves football. I am not making him stop going to football. He acts like art is the worst thing in the world. I wanted to married someone that enjoyed art as well and for some reason I didn't. I just will not give it up. My god I haven't even drawn in years. Other then the ravens mural I did in his parents ravens room. My talent comes in handy when his family wants something. I did that mural for them and it would have cost between $6,000 and $8,000. I never charged then anything because they are family. That's alot of money and time I lost out on with my kids. They aren't even thankful. I spent over 3,000 hours on that and I don't even get a smile in return. |
| posted by Kris on 01/05/2009 08:03 AM
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Kris, You can probably make some money wih your art... doing flea markets,selling on ebay.. maybe bringing in some money here and there will show your hubby how talented you are,and how necessary artwork is in this world .....I dont think art is useless.. I happen to be one who loves it myself.. I had always been known to take my kids to museums and sit there and just admire a painting drawn from the 16th century (just as an example)...
To Kim... I wasnt being nasty or anything of that sort about your advice and I am glad you understood.. yes, I agree with the possibilities of my advice being taken wrong could destroy their marriage.. its not my intentions... My intention is for kris to realize she has more going for her then she believes.. being in an environment of mental abuse tends to push us in a hole making us feel useless and undesired... in most cases the abuser is the inferior one.....thisi girl is trying her best to do right by her kids and her husband... its hard when all she wants is stability and gets instability.... I feel for kris in many ways.. mainly because she sounds like a girl who is leveled headed and yet being persuated to do off the wall stuff because hubby wants her to.. silly dont you think? Kris be yourself.... Mainly because you are the one to live with you everyday.. |
| posted by ellen on 01/05/2009 09:27 AM
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