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| Parents of Teens |
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I am new here as of Today, but I have a teen who is scaring me to death about her and her friends chosing to be BI!
This is crazy, I'm not so old that I forget high school, but that wasn't a topic of discussion in "89" or 4 years prior to that.Is there anyone who is getting a message like this from theere kids, I'd love to hear from you.I tell her there are consiquences to every action. I've planted that seed already.Tracy |
| Posted by Trace on 06/15/2007 05:52 PM
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Good Heavens! I have NOT had to deal with that. Kids are exposed to so much stuff at school, that it makes my head spin.
I'm going to take the against bi-sexuality stance here. Perhaps someone with a pro-bi-sexuality view will chime in also.
I don't believe bi- or homosexuality is normal and I would talk to my teen about God's view of it (as represented in the Bible) and encourage them to strengthen their relationship with God.
It's possible your daughter has a "girl crush" and has gotten that confused with sexual feelings.
Talk to her and listen, listen, listen. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/15/2007 08:00 PM
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Hi Trace, I completely respect where Kelly is coming from, though I feel having a conversation about God's view of it (as represented in the Bible) may fall on deaf ear, if your daughter was raised with knowing the Bible then she'd probably never tell you that she was bi due to fear of possible back lash or fear of dissapointment.
I know that bisexuality/ homosexuality lifestyles are a difficult way to live and don't believe people choose this lifestyle. It's sad but there is a high rate of teenage suicide amongst our bisexual / homosexual teens because they feel they are outcast. Many of them haven't even been in relationships, they just know that their "feelings" or "crushes" don't fit with what society expects of them.
Your daughter may just be going through a phase, or perhaps the "shock value" response & attention she's getting is just way too much fun. Or maybe she is totally comfortable in your love and acceptance that she can tell you how she is feeling...if she has support of family and friends, it will maintain a self-confident child, and a succesful adult. go to www.GLEE.com... for some information.
Hope this helps some... |
| posted by tara on 06/15/2007 08:41 PM
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| Thanks for that website, Tara, and sharing your understanding and point of view. I don't ever want this to be a group where someone has to be afraid of stating their opinion for fear of getting flamed. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/16/2007 07:53 AM
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| Thank You for that website. My family is taught Gods Word and that's whats scaring me to death about my 14 year old she wants to turn the other cheek about whats right Gods words and mine, I tell her I can't approve of something I don't believe is right . These kids make it like it's fun, it's not funny when you read notes that they write back and forth about having sex with eachother, I pray all the time for Jesus to change her thinking, I tell her all the time to be a leader not a follower and say to others what's right from wrong.Very bugged by this, so this is where I vent to all of you moms of teens and todays pressures are more then they were when we were teens. |
| posted by Trace on 06/16/2007 01:08 PM
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| I wish you strength Trace! |
| posted by tara on 06/16/2007 03:26 PM
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| I understand what your going through, my daughter is now 16 and my God I have been through alot. Along the way we have cried and talked. Yeah everything is very diffrent since we were in school. Now the kids are even having oral sex in school. And everyone knows what this kids are doing. So what can we as parents do, I think that if we talk to are kids so they can open up to us and trust us. They will come to us when they need us. I personally feel that the ones that get hurt faster are the vulnerable ones. My daughter is already 16 and she looks like a 12 or 13 year old. She is a very good girl. But yeah I have found letters like that where they say they have sex and stuff. I feel its that they want to fit in. Most of her friends are either pregnant or have kids already. I tell her that I am here for her, whenever she needs to talk. That their are alot of std's and AIDS to be careful. That just for one night of pleasure could hurt you for the rest of her life. Just be smart. |
| posted by Elizabeth on 06/17/2007 12:27 PM
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If this was my daughter, I would be outraged at first. I would call her friends parents, and ask them what is going on. If they didn't know, I'd inform them and show "love letters". If they have known, I would want to know how long they have known, and why no one informed you. I would seek counseling to make sure this is the lifestyle she really is choosing or is it a "phase/experimentation". Girls these days try to emulate what they see in the magazines, TV, hollywood starlets. If it's for real, tell your daughter that you love her, and this was not the lifestyle that you hoped she planned for, but that you will support her decision 100%. If it's just for "experimentation" I would seriously ground her, and ban her from seeing those girls. They are not the right influence for your daughter. If she is ever seen with those girls again, she will be on tighter restriction.
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| posted by esther on 06/17/2007 09:03 PM
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I have spoken to another MOM (my daughters BEST Friend's MOM)and we have discussed the situation that is occuring, her mom' has said that she knew her daughter was bi and has asked my child before and my child acted over giggly when topic came about, but I did learn though that her childs dad is BI and it came from the MOM not a kid. There was a problem that occured that these too were caught by a 16 year old boy that my childs friend and her were making out.I know kids will experiment something, I pray this all becomes a mountain she don't climb. I in NO way can ever see that doing anything with the same sex gender desirable. I can't even be convinced my someone who thinks being Bi just the way it is Today. There's not too much in my live I'd change if I could that is the Biggest picture to my child, noone ever regrets while doing it's all after the factI'm going to be sitting with both girls and other mom sooner then later, and we have other problems (pills found that are perscribed for daughters friend given to my child, mom verified that they are her childs! Very scary, but being addressed.I think also a great topic I've been through with teen is Cutting that is bigger then mom's want to believe, been there with this and have much to share to help any mom who wants someone to chat with, I'm here.
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| posted by Trace on 06/18/2007 10:56 AM
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Hi Tracy!
I'm Glad your speaking out about this subject.
I'm 27 and I went through a "Bi" phase. I grew out of it!
-- Although my mother had no idea.
If you really want her to stop, be supportive!
Don't worry about it. Treat this behavior as if she was doing these things with a boy. Good Luck! |
| posted by Whitney on 06/18/2007 03:45 PM
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Trace, I'm a little upset here. Not at you, at the other mom. She knew about this "bi" situation but neglected to tell you about it, after she had asked your daughter, who at that point could not answer the question honestly. How long ago did this happen? I would be livid, absolutely livid. That's #1.
#2, Is that lady still married to her "Bi" husband? is that why she is OK with her daughter being "bi"? Did the woman know her husband was "bi" prior to marriage? how long has her child been "bi"?. If I knew my husband had same sex tendencies, I would not have married him. I don't know why she did. She's wrong to validate her daughters' experimentation and attribute that because her father is "bi". That is an excuse. Where is she as a parent?
#3, I can tell by your writings that you are a religious person, and have faith in the Lord. Which is a good thing. Your daughter needs counseling. As long as she continues to "hang" with her "best buddy" who happens to be "bi" with prescription pills and cutting issues-your daughters spirit is going to drift farther away from you and who knows what will happen next.
I say this, for I do not believe in experimentation-my niece did this in High School, and it created so many problems at her home, it was crazy. She blamed my brother (-who happened to be her step day) and claimed that he "raped" her. It was a devastating blow. The deception, stealing, cutting all evolved into one big nightmare. She destroyed my brother, who already had a problem with alcohol. It turned out that during "experimenting", they went to far and she got injured. My brother was cleared from the situation, but, it was too late. The damage was done.
What was your daughter like before she befriended her "best friend"? In order to get healthy, we must live in the truth, and counseling will get to the truth. What does your husband think of the situation?
In closing, it can be that her "best friend" has issues, and is taking your daughter down with her own insecurities.
Remember to hug your daughter and tell her that you love her.
I am with you in spirit, and pray that you continue to be a strong person during this most testing time. |
| posted by esther on 06/19/2007 02:15 AM
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Not all people feel as strongly against being "bi" or "homosexual" as you and I do Kellie. Either this mother just didn't think it is quite as big deal as we do, or she just didn't know WHAT to say or do.
I think the one thing thing we all agree on is the most important thing, it's important for kids like Trace's daughter to be able to talk to their parents, and for the parents to be able to listen without showing their emotional side.
I would be very concerned about my daughter's (or son's) behavior if I had heard/seen/read any of the things that Trace has shared with us, whether that contact was "bi," "homo," or "hetero." Getting involved in sexual relationships at a young age is just not a good idea. Other cultures may have considered their teens to be adults and treated them as such, but ours doesn't and we have not helped our teens to be emotionally mature enough to handle that kind of relationship.
Above all things (and I think Trace has already indicated this) her daughter should understand that her mother loves her and care for her regardless of any decisions (good, bad, or indifferent) that she makes.
You've obviously good a good head on your shoulders, Trace. That coupled with the fact that you do care deeply about your daughter is going to be more help in getting through this than any amount of advice we give you.
But we're always here to support you, and give you the "benefit" of our various "advises." |
| posted by Kelly on 06/19/2007 08:30 AM
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Kelly, I disagree with the fact that her daughters "best friend" mother had asked her if she was "bi" without telling Trace.
Experimenting could be a phase, the "in thing". Trace did not come out and say "my daughter is gay", she merely said, her daughter is choosing to be around "bi" friends. By continually being around her best friend, she has found her best friends prescription pills on her daughter and has dealt with Cutting.
I have to disagree with you again Kelly, I am for GAY RIGHTS-100%. I am no where nears a HOMOPHOBE. My neighbors are Gay. I have Gay clients. The restaurants I go to, are GAY owned. Please, do not misinterpret what I am saying, for it is the wrong message.
As a parent in this situation, I would like to know immediately who my child is hanging out with and their parents. Currently, there are no secrets in my house. A parents worst nightmare, is accepting the possibility that their child is "Gay". After the shock wears off, you begin to accept it.
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| posted by esther on 06/19/2007 11:51 AM
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Kellie ~ I did read the wrong message. Sorry about that! It happens.
There are some areas where we disagree – but that’s ok with me. And I did want for Trace to hear opinions from all sides, and she has.
I, too, disagree with how the other mom chose to handle it. But, unfortunately, that’s the risk we take when our teens associate with people we don’t know well (and sometimes, when they associate with people we DO know well).
Through this whole conversation I have felt very blessed that our situation is so isolated and includes few, if any, outsiders. On the other hand, I have been made further aware that there could be secrets here. Although I would tell you we don’t have secrets in my family, I have to admit that I wouldn’t know that if the secret were being kept from me!
I suppose what I’ve learned from this is that when my children are involved with others that I don’t know well, I will make an effort to get to know them well and develop some mutual trust.
Control freak that I am, I know there are going to be secrets kept from me by my teens. I have to keep the lines of communication as open as I can on my end, and pray, lots, that God will intervene in anything dangerous to their bodies or their minds.
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| posted by Kelly on 06/19/2007 01:44 PM
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I appriciate hearing the all points of view from everyone, I think I should have been told that my daughter's best friends MOM KNEW about her daughter, Her mom uses the point of her own father is BI and he himself makes this a no big deal to his own child this is a portion of why I believe this girl thinks this lifestyle is OK, her PRIME role model is living it, This to me , I feel she is trying to tell my child (her friend)it's ok, cause she's is being told my her Dad it's OK, overshadowing my words. Finding the pills on Ash was devistating and finding out this girl's mom told me it's the same thing her daughter is suppose to take. pill thing is a huge concern also, her own MOM tells me it's her medication and she hasn't been taking it in front of her, I have 1 other friends mom I'm finding out if she is on this med, but the other mom said(Ash friends mom) it's too much of a coeincidence, I'm only waiting on the other to tell me if that meds is in her household at all, I don't care who suppose to take it, it could be stolen from a family member, but soo far I am 99% where it came from, but I need to hear the pother mother say NO 1st. My Ashley went through cutting in 7th grade and the gothic thing that went with it, no her friend's mom says she's finding out Shelbys cutting, been high before, if these kids didn't use nicknames in NOTES we could pin this faster! Another thing is what makes it difficult is My daughter says she's Atheist, her thing is this, God made Man, and man came up with the Gay/lesbian lifestyle. This is what I'm up against, it's not about religion when I talk,about this personally it's about MY OWN Faith in Jesus, The simplest way for me to sound in this topic I began the other day is to say, This is the deceptive way the Devil himself is REAL, not the little guy with hornseither that you see in cartoons, but he makes things that are not ok, Sound Acceptable. I will get back to you soon .
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| posted by Trace on 06/20/2007 12:40 AM
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Trace,
You and your daughter are certainly in my prayers. It's scary having teens. When my daughter was 10 and being overwhelmingly influenced by some peers, I could remove the peers from her life, and get her attitude adjusted again. But when you have a teen, you have more limited control/influence!
Fortunately, most people are aware that some kids are going to do what they want to regardless of how they were raised: either reject how they were raised and cause problems, or reject how they were raised and rise above it. People who know that aren't as likely to blame a parent for this kind of behavior.
Your daughter has come up against a point of view opposite from what she's been taught all her life, and, unfortunately, given in to the lies that something that is wrong, isn't wrong! I'm sure your heart is breaking over this. But the fact that she's still talking to you is a positive.
You sound like you have a good foundation in your beliefs - enough so that you know the power of prayer even if your daughter is totally rejecting what you brought her up to believe.
Some mothers would be wringing my neck about now, for not talking about open-mindedness and letting kids fnd their own way. We can't stop kids from finding "their own way" - they are designed to do just that. But in the belief system that I think you and I share, "open-mindedness" can be an opportunity for the enemy of our God and ourselves to gain a foothold in our minds. I fully advocate listening to what your kids have to say about anything, but that doesn't mean I have to fall for it hook, line, and sinker. It's my responsibility to guide my children according to my belief system - not let them float around out there not knowing what's right and what's not.
I can't remember how old your daughter is, so I don't know how much control you might still have over where she goes and what she does. But what never changes is how much you love her and how much God loves her (even if she is rejecting Him!) From personal experience, I know that God welcomes back His wayward children with open arms and unconditional love.
I just read an article in Focus on the Family about a mother and daughter at odds. Their situation was not exactly the same, but it still might offer you some comfort to read it. If I can't find it on the internet for you, I'll scan it and get it to you.
I'll continue to pray for you and for your daughter. Let me know if/how the situation changes, and I'll change my requests accordingly. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/20/2007 10:19 AM
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Trace, You need to get the strength to lift yourself out of this, and get help for your daughter.Your daughter can get help with counseling, or you can sit down with your daughter and ask her a couple of questions: Does she want to have children? Does she want to be a mother one day? Does she see herself married to a straight man? What "lifestyle" is she choosing for the rest of her life?
Her "best friend" and her parents, in my eyes, have betrayed you. Everyone knows about this, except you. I would be totally upset, hurt, betrayed, and angry. What is your husband's involvement with your daughter?
The next thing your daughter is going to do, or if she already done it, is come home and say the "Holocoust" never happened. If she is thinking she is an "Atheist"-I am thinking -Areian Race. This can be scarey.
If you do not get anywhere with counseling, I would send her to "boot camp". You need both parent signatures to send her there.
This "best friend" and her "parents" are not the right influence. They are taking your daughter down with them. Save her before it's too late. |
| posted by esther on 06/20/2007 01:26 PM
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