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| Parents of Toddlers |
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| How do I let my 13 month old daughter know what she can and cant do? I mean how do I disipline her if she is touching something she shouldn't be and I tell her "no" already a couple of times. I tried to do a time out mat and she woulnd't sit there unless I sat with her and then after taht she thought it was funny to just sit on it all the time. Also she has started to throw stuff when she doesn't want it. Like her sippy cup or her food, anything. HELP!!!! |
| Posted by Jessica on 12/23/2008 06:23 PM
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| My daughter is 15 months old and she also throws stuff when she doesnt want it...She also will go right back to something after I have told her no and slapped her hand for touching something....We have the biggest problem with anything that has buttons on it....They are way to young to understand time out. Basically at this age you just have to keep reminding them that they cannot do that and explain why to them..and hope that they will eventually figure it out..I use the three strikes and your out rule....I know alot of people dont agree with spanking....but if I tell her more than three times than she gets a tap either on her hands or on her butt....I dont tap hard enough to hurt her just enough to get her attention...But over all...she still just keeps doing all of it... Hope this helps a little bit... |
| posted by Katie on 12/23/2008 07:11 PM
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| Hi Jessica, I hope I can help. Well some of what Katie says I agree with. They are way too young to grasp the concept of time out this is true. Infants are going through a narcissistic stage that makes them believe that everything is about them, which for the most part it should be, and we must first tell them (not try and explain as they cannot grasp much beyond no at this point) that this is something they should not do. If she continues to touch what she should not take her out of the situation or exchange her want for a toy or something she can have. Also get rid of the things she wants so badly unless they are necessary. Infants are just trying to explore their environment and if the surroundings are safe we should let them. Trust me she will tire of it soon enough. If is something that cannot be moved or is unsafe, say the stove, simply tell her no and move her away. If she continues to go back to this you have to do what is referred to as shaming her. This essentially is getting down on her level looking her in her eyes and saying very firmly, without yelling, we do not touch this or possibly a word she can understand like this is an “ouchy”! After a moment of it sinking in give her a big hug and take her away from the situation again. Really you are just letting them know that you cannot allow them to hurt themselves. It will not work every time nor will it work immediately, but you should see results very soon. As far as spanking goes, well needless to say I do not agree. Not only can the child not understand the concept of corporal punishment, or why she is being punished in the first place it teaches her, so recent studies suggest, that mommy or daddy solves issues through violence which suggests on a most basic level that violence, in some form, is okay. It simply will not work in the long run. Sorry for the long reply, but I thought I might be able to help. Good luck! |
| posted by Tracey on 12/23/2008 09:23 PM
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| wonderful reply Tracey |
| posted by on 12/23/2008 09:45 PM
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OK...I believe that if my daugther can unserstand me when I tell her I love her or ask her if she wants a drink than she can understand me when I explain to her that she could get hurt if she does that...I dont use baby talk with my daughter because I want her to learn to say things like they should be said.
I agree that children should be allowed to explore their environment but I do not believe that I should take everything out of my house that she might break...If it could hurt her than yes...But If you take everything out of your house and let them touch whatever they want then how are you teaching them what they can and cannot touch? When you go to someone elses house how do they know what is off limits?
And spanking....Like I said alot of parents do not agree with spanking...But some do....But I dont feel that tapping her hand just hard enough to get her attention is teaching her to be violent...
I can see where it would be teaching violence if I was hurting her or spanking out of anger but I never hurt her and NEVER allow myself to spank her out of anger. If I get angry then I usually take a time out myself so that I can breath and contain myself...
I grew up with more than just a tap on the hand and I am not a violent person...NOR do I spank my daughter the same way my parents spanked me...I dont necessarily agree with a paddle or a belt but a tap on the butt or on the hand is not hurting her at all. Overall every parent has their own way of doing things... |
| posted by Katie on 12/24/2008 02:45 PM
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Katie,
I agree that each parent must govern their child’s behavior in whatever method they think is best and each is going to be different.
Here, though, are my points and in succinct fashion as to not be misconstrued, as I believe they may have.
First, of course you should not take everything out of the house, this was never suggested, instead as the adult you have the power to decide what you really need and may not need that might set your baby off. If you know the vase with the plants is just something she will not stay away from, avoid the confrontation and move it away. If you want that vase there, then you should absolutely tell her that is a “no, no.” Here is the thing Katie, your child has a very long time to learn the things she should and should not be touching, right now patience, and kindness as well as simple pure love should be at the top of the list. Should you let her touch things that are dangerous, well of course not, but if you have something that is dangerous in your house, the child should not be able to get to it anyways so I am not sure what you meant by that statement.
One thing is for sure Katie, at 13 to 15 months, research suggests that the brain is just not developed enough to comprehend the complexity of long explanations. The response you see from her, when you practice explanations, is from your facial expressions and the tone of your voice, and probably the "tap". Love, food, drink and shelter are all preprogrammed into your little ones head as the most important thing, so she will understand these simple desires as they are needed for her survival. Why she should not do what her genetics tell her to do, which is to explore, she cannot understand. You can make her stop, this is for sure, but I am merely suggesting you put your energies in a different place. She is going through so much at this age, stranger anxiety, separation anxiety, mirror phase, the list goes on and on, and really all she wants is to understand her world. Should you give her everything? No! Should you choose more important battles or find ways around these situations as I have suggested before? I do think so.
Second, some people who believe in operant conditioning still think it is okay to tap a child, as long as the parent is under control and it is not beyond a reasonable measure, but you really have to simply ask yourself two questions. One, is it worth it and two will it help? They are both very simple NO and NO! Multiple studies show that a stern voice is just as successful. Simply getting down to the little ones level and telling her no is as well.
Just as a suggestion, maybe read up on corporal punishment and subjects of the like. Piaget is a fabulous child psychologist and has done wonders in this area.
Again it comes down, for me, to what I am willing to do. It sounds to me as though you might have seen a bit of this in your past and that is something to look at as well. The argument you have given above, that you were raised this way and turned out fine, is not a firm base to spring from. Because your mother or father treated you in a way, that most of society deems as inappropriate does not mean that you then have a basis for trying it on your child. It is a chance you are taking no matter what way you cut it. To hit, in any fashion, is to introduce some form of violence and I truly believe that is a shame, but if you are comfortable with the tap then that is your choice.
By the by, just as a fig leaf, I do agree that baby talk past a certain age is unhelpful. I just didn't want you to think we had nothing in common :).
Katie, know this, my intention is not or has not been to touch a nerve or upset you, but merely to offer up my opinion. I am sure you are a wonderful mother and I truly believe that it takes a village to raise a child, so I am always willing to listen to new opinions as they are a valuable resource. Good luck to you and thank you for the reply.
Sincerely,
Tracey
sorry for the long reply all>>>> |
| posted by Tracey on 12/25/2008 10:17 PM
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