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Recently my boyfriend and I have been discussing our future more and more...engagement, marriage, etc. Marriage will not happen until I graduate from graduate school in 3 years because of the fact we have to live in different places right now (me in Orlando for school, and him in West Palm for the band). Even though marriage is far away, I still have all these thoughts running through my head about being married to a musician (and possibly a touring musician by that point).
I have been with him for a year and a half and I am already getting tired of the whole band thing. I still support him completely and am glad he is able to do this because it's what he wants, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I hate the gigs on holidays and every weekend. We miss doing fun things as a couple that everyone else gets to do, like parties thrown by our friends, and date nights on the weekends. I keep thinking "this is going to be the rest of my life" and it freaks me out!
Sometimes I can't sleep at night because thoughs of being alone for months at a time are running through my head.
So please tell me, am I overreacting since 1. it's three years til we can get married, and 2. they might not even get to the whole touring band stage.
I need to know I'm not crazy....or that I am crazy and need to just chill out. I have talked with him about it and about my thoughts and he sympathizes with me but doesn't really know what to do since it's so far in the future. He tells me if we want it to work, we will make it work. But I just can't help thinking "yea, I will be the one making all the sacrifices and making it work while you go after your dream". Because in reality, that's what it comes down to. He won't really have to "work" at anything.
I'm scared. Please help.
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| Posted by Cara on 12/11/2008 09:46 PM
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Hi Rowan.
Honestly, after 11 years together and 8 years of marriage sometimes I still think, "I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" It's not that the love isn't real and powerful between my husband and me, but this life takes a toll. It is not an easy choice, and ultimately very personal. However, from my perspective, I just can't imagine being married to anyone else. I really feel like he is my best friend. Still, I have meltdowns and stress a lot about managing our life together. I take it one tour at a time. The fact that you and your boyfriend have open lines of communication is a great foundation for wading through the craziness of these unique challenges. You are not overreacting, and you don't have to make a choice right now. It is good that you are thinking about this. And you are right...you will feel like you are making the majority of the sacrifices and doing most of the work at home to keep your lives running. It's almost funny (not haha funny) that right after my husband leaves for tour things seem to start to fall apart (car breaks down, house problems, dog gets sick, etc...) This is my life, but I know that my he would make the same sacrifies for me if presented with the opportunity. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn't. It is a major decision. However, totally doable if you choose to it. Best of luck.
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| posted by Dawn on 12/12/2008 05:40 AM
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Thank you for your words of wisdom and experience. I appreciate hearing about how things are in a marriage that has been actually dealing with the situation of a touring musician and not just relying on my thoughts of how it's going to be.
I also cannot imagine my life without my boyfriend and I cannot wait to marry him and have children with him, but sometimes it freaks me out a lot too. I know we can get through anything because no matter what, the other person is always more important than any dream or career.
The thing that puts me on edge a lot is that he always says that we're going to be fine and I just don't think he realizes how hard its actually going to be. I only know because I have you girls to talk to.
So thank you again. :) |
| posted by Cara on 12/12/2008 05:52 PM
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Hi Rowan,
I am in the same position as you...when you start thinking of all the negative things that we go through it can seem so overwhelming!! By now you basically know what you are in for if you get married , so what you have to decide is if it is worth it? Do you love him enough to sacrafice a "normal" life? That's what I ask myself when I am confused. can you picture your future without him? if you do decide to stick it out :) then I have some tips for dealing with it all. Try to concentrate on what is goijg on in your life. Keep your own goals in focus and while he is away your life will continue and you will get through it. this last summer my BF did a USO tour in Iraq, which was scary for me! Not only did I just miss him but I was fearing for his life because they were in a war zone. We are fortunate that are Bf's are just gone on tour and not fighting in a war, you know. Think about how that would feel, it would be so terrible! Also, you are all healthy and have jobs and money and a home to live in when a lot of people don't . Those are the kinds of things I think about to give myself prespective when I am upset. We don't really have it too bad :)
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| posted by Ashley on 12/30/2008 03:43 PM
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This is all very true. I have really started to think about things like this recently and I have realized I want him in my life forever no matter what. We have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years and have another 2 years to go with me living away for school. I think we can get through anything. I know there will still be rough times and stressful times and sad times when I miss him a lot. But I think we can make it work.
Thanks for your advice and support.
Rowan |
| posted by Cara on 01/08/2009 12:53 PM
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You're not crazy in the least, although you might really feel like you are at times. You just have to hang in there.
I know that part of being in a relationship is a give and take thing, but the truth is that you have to look out for yourself more than you have to look out for "us".
In the end, what's better for you? Being with a guy that you may not see as much as you'd like to, possibly for months at a time, or being with a guy that you will be able to see on a regular basis, for the most part? |
| posted by Tara on 05/08/2009 01:58 AM
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You're not crazy in the least, although you might really feel like you are at times. You just have to hang in there.
I know that part of being in a relationship is a give and take thing, but the truth is that you have to look out for yourself more than you have to look out for "us".
In the end, what's better for you? Being with a guy that you may not see as much as you'd like to, possibly for months at a time, or being with a guy that you will be able to see on a regular basis, for the most part? |
| posted by Tara on 05/08/2009 01:59 AM
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