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| Need to Vent Group |
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| My Best Friend does a lot of things I do not agree w/ or approve of, however we’ve been friends since grade school. In fact, I married her husband’s best friend’s brother, whom I met through her. Well her husband cheated on her & for about a year was being a real jerk. They eventually worked things out, however to get back at him, she cheated on him w/ his best friend (my brother-in-law). Still w/ me? Okay, well her husband doesn’t know & although I don’t believe 2 wrongs make a right, I can see her anger leading her to do something like this & my loyalty as a friend is to her & not her husband. But here’s the problem. My brother in law is a married man. I only met his wife once before my husband and I got married & do not want to be around her as I feel bad for her. I’ve never wanted to be-friend her because I can’t stand thinking I’d have to look her in the face, knowing this awful secret & not let her know. During family functions I will say hello to her but always keep my distance (which makes me feel awful because she seems really nice). My husband tells me to “mind my own business” & that it isn’t my place to tell her anything, but I put myself in her place & know I’d want to know. This has caused problems between my husband & I too as I’ll say things like “So is this what you & your brother do? Cover up for each other?” My son’s first b-day is coming up & we’re having a b-day party. Of course my best friend is invited, but how do I go about not inviting my husband’s sister in law? After all, her kids are my son’s cousins. She needs to be there, but I can’t stand the idea of my friend & her face to face. I’ve thought of telling her the truth, but not only would it ruin her family but my best friends, too. What would you do? |
| Posted by Cindy on 12/11/2008 03:30 PM
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| I would say nothing... its not your place.. if youw ant to get closer to the sil then do so but dont feel like you have to be the one to tell her this secret.. I bet she knows.. |
| posted by ellen on 12/11/2008 03:36 PM
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WOW. you have a real dillemma on your hands!
There is a lot to consider. IF you told your SIL what happened. .
How mad would your husband be?
How mad would his brother be?
And how would that affect the family relationship?
Would your friend stop being your friend if you told on her, b/c obviously this would get back to her husband as well...
If you have considered those questions and think all will be ok, then its up to you if you really want to tell her.
Personally I dont think I would say anything. it really isnt your place. If you were friends with the SIL first and you were pretty close before the cheating happened, then I would be a little more torn as to who you should 'side' with. If you dont really know her or talk to her, I dont think you should really get involved with that.
As far as the birthday party. I would invite them all, and let your BIL and best friend know that the other will be there, and make sure to tell your friend that the wife will also be there. If they are uncomfortable with the situation it is their own fault, and their own decision to make whether or not they will still come. OR if you would REALLY be uncomfortable having them all in your house at the same time, then maybe you could ask your friend not to come b/c she is not family, and the BIL and SIL Are family. . maybe she will understand since she is the one who caused the problem in the first place.
Best of luck with whatever you decide! Let me know what you do and what happens! |
| posted by Amy on 12/11/2008 03:54 PM
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| Oh this is a tricky one. I would say your best bet is to "play dumb" and say nothing to no one. As far as the birthday party goes, I don't know what I would do. I know you feel torn with your decision to tell or not to tell. Unfortunately, the bearer of the news usually ends up being the one to get hurt (you). I would hate for you to end up losing a family member or your best friend getting mad at you too because you told. I too hate concealing lies but I do think it will come out one day, but maybe you should just act like you know nothing. If it does come out, I'd act as surprised as the rest of the family. Just my opinion. Good luck, whatever you decide to do in the end. |
| posted by MaLeah on 12/11/2008 04:15 PM
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| Wow! While I am not sure how I feel about disclosing this information, I believe that not inviting your SIL to your son's bday party is not the answer. She is their Aunt! She has done nothing wrong in this situation and should not be kept away from your family functions because of the actions of your best friend and BIL. I agree with the previous poster in that invite them all, but let your best friend know that your BIL and SIL will be there. It will be her decision on whether she can face her or not, Remember that they are the ones that committed adultery, so why should they be given an easy ride by you. I know this may sound harsh, but they are the ones who will have to live with this secret forever. Do you plan on allowing this dilemma to effect all your invites for every party/function? Obviously, your BF and BIL are not effected by it or they probably would not have had the affair in the first place.Just my opinion. |
| posted by kim on 12/11/2008 04:19 PM
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| Thank you all! I just hate feeling like an Accomplice & that's how not saying anything makes me feel. Funny thing is my BIL no longer speaks to me (just the hi & bye). First I thought it was his concience but the way he doesnt speak to me seems arrogant. Sometimes I feel like he thinks "Birds of a Feather Flock together", but although I am not innocent, I would never do something like that. Makes me wonder though, how people do this & then act like nothing after. (By the way my friend & her husband have been to dinner w/ my BIL since, so they have no problem seeing each other). Also makes me a bit paranoid as to if anyone knows a secret that could & would crush my world. |
| posted by Cindy on 12/11/2008 04:53 PM
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| Sorta sounds like maybe the Sister in Law is someone you might like to be friends with. When the news finally breaks, everyone will be seen for who and what they really are. Sounds like the Best friend, her husband, and your brother in law are the birds of a feather, and you and the sister-in-law probably have more in common then you might think. And for your husband to get upset with you for having feelings about the situation is insensitive. "If everyone around you is cheating, then maybe he is cheating." I think that may be your concern, more then keeping the secret from your sister-in-law. |
| posted by Kelly on 12/12/2008 04:27 PM
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| I was recently in a very bad situation where my common law husband cheated on me with his ex-wife. It seemed like many people in the family knew what was going on because she got her mouth full telling some people what she did. One of the girls in the family eventually couldn't hold the secret and she told me. I felt like my heart dropped to the floor and I had to find out. I couldn't live wondering if this was just a rumor. He ended up confessing after I pressured him with discussing this matter in front of his kids and ex-wife. I can't say it doesn't hurt because it does but I rather know than live like a fool and putting my health and my son's life in jeopardy. He gave me chlamydia! I didnt even know I had it. I felt even more mad because I breastfeed my son and he didnt care to put us both at risk not only for STDs but also for HIV. I would tell her. She needs to be the one making the decision about her life and her kids. Its horrible to live a life full of lies, thats what it feels like when you have been betrayed, but I am sure we deserve better. You may not be ruining her life but saving her from something worse. I am sorry about your friend but sometimes we have to grow up and be held accountable for our actions. |
| posted by marie on 12/13/2008 03:19 AM
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| Maybe you should not invite your friend. Especially if she doesn't have children she doesn't have children so there will be no tension. Tell her why you don't want her there and how much stress she has put you through and that she should tell your SIL what happened. |
| posted by Alisa on 12/14/2008 12:41 AM
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| well i was cheated on by my husband while i was in the hospital delivering my son and i had hearttrouble.i almost died.anyways,my husband was sleepin with his ex wife in my house and in my bed.i didnt find out this happened till about 2 months ago.his ex wife told me and i confonted him and he didnt deny it.he said he was lonely.i said u could of got a blow up doll or something to cure ur urges.well anyways,we r still married and there has not been no cheatng since.we have been married 3 years.oh yea my FIL told me it shouldnt matter cause we were not married at the time he cheated.i ws like ah yea it does i was haveing our son.i couldnt believe he said that.i wanted to kill him.oh well its the past and wer so far from the ex i have nothin to worry about no more.so id probably tell the SIL cause i know how it feels to be cheted on and it dont feel to good. |
| posted by angie on 12/14/2008 10:08 AM
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Angie, with all due respect its more likely then not your man will cheat again.. his ex was a door opener not the end of the thrill... not meaning to hurt your feelings or anything of a vindictive sort.. just saying a taste or a smell never goes away....
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| posted by ellen on 12/17/2008 12:34 AM
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| Ellen, I understand your point completely. I had an ex-boyfriend/fiance once that cheated on me. I tried to be with him because at the time I thought that he was the man that I wanted to spend my life with. After the cheating incident, I never looked at him in the same way...and I really tried to make the relationship work after what he did. Besides, I do not really know if there were more cheating incidents. Now, I am married to a wonderful man that I do not have any trust factors with. |
| posted by Monica on 12/17/2008 02:20 PM
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| ;) |
| posted by April on 12/17/2008 02:53 PM
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I already posted, but the more I read others responses and I keep thinking about the fact that your husband doesnt want you to get involved is unsettling to me. It was really Aprils post that kind of 'put it in perspective' for me.. she is probably very right. The BIL has probably cheated on his wife before, and the SIL may or may not know about it, but now IM starting to think that maybe your husband is afraid that if you talk to her, she may also tell you something he doesnt want you to know...I know that my ex (my childrens father) never really wanted me and his brothers gf to talk. Him and his brother would talk about things and do things together, and he knew if I talked to her she might tell me something or we might figure out if they were doing something wrong. . . and I did catch him in a lie by talking to her..
I would HATE to think this is the situation for you. .I dont know you or your husband and Im not judging, but if I was in that situation, I think I would start to wonder if my husband wasnt all that innocent either. In the end it is really up to you what you are willing to risk to feel at ease, or to possibly find out something about your own relationship.. that really is a tough situation. |
| posted by Amy on 12/17/2008 03:07 PM
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