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I am in a local mommy group where we get together and have playdates. Yesterday I took my son to a playdate where there were quite a few kids, from ages 8 months to 4 years. There was one particular boy there, 20 months old. This child is aggressive and often takes toys away from other kids. He will take the toy away, and either wait for the kid to cry and then give it back, or if the child just walks away, he puts the toy down, and either follows the kid and does it again, or goes off to find something else. My son, btw, is23.5 months. yesterday, my son was on a toy. It was a rocker type toy with playstuff on the handle area. This boy walked up behind my son, grabbed him by the shoulders, and pulled him down to the ground, then got on the toy. I got my son to me and gave him another toy. As soon as I did this, the boy got off the toy and walked away as though he did not even want it, he just did not want my son on it. Also, when this happened both I and the mother of the other child were seated at the table in plain view of the whole thing. When I saw her son grab mine, I yelled his name. This did not phase him, he did not even look at me. Later, this mother told me that she felt I had handled it and disciplined her child by yelling at him. She never once asked if my son was ok even though he fell on the back of his head. This is not an isolated incident either. Each time we are around them, her son behaves this way toward mine, as well as other kids.
She apparently thinks that this is normal child development. I'm wandering what other peoples take on this is. How would you handle the situation? |
| Posted by Casey on 12/10/2008 04:39 PM
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| To me, it's obvious the child is consciously aware of his actions and I wouldn't take it. If I were in your shoes, the next time the child did that to my kid, I would do exactly what you did the first time and when the mom confronts me about it, I would firmly explain my point of view. I would tell her that I'm trying to protect my kid and that HER kid is a threat. Too many people are afraid to speak their minds anymore for fear of hurting others feelings. I understand that, but I think people should be more concerned about their own sanity before they go crazy worrying about whether someone gets offended. Speak your mind to her and let her know where you stand. You have a divine right to protect your kid and that's that. |
| posted by Caryn on 12/10/2008 05:50 PM
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I forgot to post in my first one that this woman, who by the way has a degree in early childhood education, seems to think that a part of normal toddler development is that when they see something they take it, regardless of what they have to do to get it.
In fact, she wrote a blog about it and this is what she said:
"cross me...and I won't like it...
cross my friends...and I'll let you know I don't like it...
cross my children...and the gloves come off...
my son is not a bully...he is a normally developing toddler
my son is not mean...he goes after what he wants...he will never hit someone just to hit someone
my son is very empathetic...if he takes something away..and a child cries..given time(moments even)..he most often gives it back...
my son is sweet, loving, and gives some of the best hugs..
my son engages with all children, adults, and is very rarely unhappy..
my son is not perfect...
but he is NOT a bully"
I will note that the part about taking it away and giving it back after the kid crys is correct. However, from what I have seen, he takes the toys away just so he can make them cry. The moment he realizes a kid is not going to, he stops playing with the toy. |
| posted by Casey on 12/10/2008 05:57 PM
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| I dont think you did anything wrong. She doesnt like people yelling at her son? Well you dont like when someone physically hurts yours. I understand she thinks this is "normal behavior" & to some extent it is, however that is why parents (or adults) are around to tell a child what they are doing is wrong. Especially at that age. This is where & when she needs to begin showing her child how to share. She could have told her son to wait his turn & you told your son something like "only one more minute so (the kids name) could have his turn after you." Children are very curious. They way she is handling it is like letting my child put her hand in fire bcuz she was curious as to what it was. Hello? we r there to protect our kids & tell them when they are doing something "wrong" or that will hurt them or others. She seems to contradict herself w/ the whole "the gloves come off" thing. I think every mother feels that way. Not like the bitch came up w/ that phrase all on her own, right? So that is exactly how you feel. Someone hurt your child. |
| posted by April on 12/10/2008 07:16 PM
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| Well I think this woman is off her rocker. She should know, it would seem with her job, that kids do not develop empathy until they are like around the age of 6. You can look it up, but it is around that give or take. I was going to tell you that maybe you should just find another playgroup, but after thinking about it I think you should do exactly what you are doing and if she don't like you talking to her child that way then maybe she will go elsewhere. I would not tolerate it, even though I have trouble telling my mother-in-law how I feel. A stranger is different. I went off in Chucky Cheese one day because these parents were not watching their kid and she came up to my son's stroller he was in and took his pacifier and stuck it in her mouth and then took his toy. He was only a few months old at the time. I hunted them down and told them where to go how to get there and a shortcut too. |
| posted by Kim on 12/10/2008 11:00 PM
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| This lady is crazy. Her blog is correct in stating that everything her child is doing is within normal limits of childhood behavior; but she is molding a bully. I agree with all the moms who stated that it is our job to step in and let our kids know what is and isn't appropriate. My son loves to climb on the furniture, climb into the fireplace, pull all of the DVD's off the shelf, stick his fingers in my food, eat random things off of the floor...etc. You get the point; the list could go on and on. However, it is MY job to put an end to these behaviors because they are either dangerous, or not socially acceptable. What her child is doing is both dangerous and socially unacceptable. It seems that SHE is the one lacking empathy. If she's ready to pull out the gloves when you mess with her kid, why wouldn't she think you would feel the same way about your child? Kudos to you for keeping your composure. Be ready to butt heads with this woman. By simply writing that blog, she's sending a clear message that she KNOWS she is in the right. I can't even imagine my son doing what her son did without repremanding him in some way. And if he threw a fit, we would pack up and go home. Zero tolerance for that kind of behavior. |
| posted by Allison on 12/11/2008 02:52 AM
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| One more point: from a neurological standpoint, her son does not have the brain capacity to stop these behaviors on his own. The frontal lobe of the brain acts as a 'voice of reason'. It's the part that puts the brakes on when we want to do something stupid or dangerous. In toddlers, this area of the brain is hardly anywhere near developed (it doesn't completely develop until ages 18-21). Right now, just the 'I want, I want' part of the brain is leading the pack. This is why us parents have to step in and act as the frontal lobe. But if she studies child development, she should understand this. |
| posted by Allison on 12/11/2008 03:02 AM
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My daughter's cousin is similar to that and I freely discipline him because his mom doesn't and if he touches my daughter in that kind of way I let him know that he is not to do it again. His mother is always saying that you should not discipline a child because it ruins their self esteem. I don't care, if he hurts my child he will see how I feel about it. I also don't care what my Aunt thinks about it. We are talking about my child and if the parent won't do something about it I will.
Don't be afraid to say something. If you don't he will continue and eventually he will hurt your son. It is a mothers job not only to protect her child but also to teach them. That includes teaching them right from wrong. She will regret this in the future because it will turn around on her. Then she will see what happens when you don't teach a child right from wrong. He will continue doing it because he thinks it ok since his mom has never told him otherwise.
Go ahead and do what you feel is best for your son and don't worry about her feelings. If she doesn't like what you do to protect your son then she will most likely leave the group. Apparently she doesn't like people telling her that she is wrong and won't want to stay and receive it. |
| posted by Jessica on 12/11/2008 12:28 PM
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| My son is very passive, so I think some kids with more overtly aggressive personalities take advantage of him sometimes. He doesn't usually react to them pushing him or taking toys from him, so I think they don't see him cry so they think it is okay. It is so not OKAY in my book. A mom who says that aggressive behavior is normal is just fooling herself and is going to end up with a bully on her hands. I taught kids before I had my son and some kids would come in with their homework done and ready to learn and some kids (the spoiled rotten ones) would talk back to me and their parents while holding a Starbucks (ages 7 or so) and with no homework in sight. You have to be careful what behavior you encourage. I would just say to talk to the mom about it and if she doesn't feel willing to discipline him so that it is minimal, I would move on to another playgroup or talk to the other moms in the playgroup about your feelings. They might feel the same way. |
| posted by Heather on 12/17/2008 07:40 AM
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