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| Sometimes... I dunno. I think that I should love him, and I feel bad that my daughter would have to go through this. But I do understand how you feel, sometimes I just want him to go away. Nothing he does is right, and he is just so annoying! Last night I was so mad at him that I called him at work to yel at him! He wasn't too happy about that, but I was just so angry that I needed someone to yell at. How long have you guys been married? and what is it that really bothers you about him? |
| posted by Becky on 12/09/2008 04:08 PM
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| HI, we have been married for almost 16 years. I would say just about everything about him bothers me. But I would say how it all began was when I realized he is extremely self centered. This was the beginning of the end. Once he got me then his true self came out. I was very angry and felt like he tricked me. I also realized that I was easily manipulated becuz of my own childhood issues. Now I just can't stand to even have a conversation with him. In my head, I sit there and pity him for being him. LOL...it's so sad I know but true. So how long have you been married and what can't you stand about yours? What's your story? |
| posted by Jill on 12/09/2008 04:23 PM
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| well we arent married, we have been engaged for like 2 years? and together for 3. I know I cant quite remember. But he is pretty much the same, he was so nice and sweet when we first became friends. He was actually engaged when I first met him. And I did have a crush on him, and I knew he liked me, so one day I called him and told him that I couldnt see him anymore because I didnt want to come between him and his fiance. And he cried. he was so upset that I he might not see me anymore, that he actually cried. And now he is so self centered about it. he tells me that i am lucky he loves me. And how all these girls are always checking him out. And how hot he is. I just get so annyoed and disgusted with it. especially since if I didnt make him get his hair cut and trim his beard he would look like a hobo. He just thinks that the world revolves around him. The worst part is that last week, he was on vacation. He was going out doing whatever he wanted, playing video games, going out with his friend. And I was asking him for help because I was trying to take down the wallpaper in the bathroom, and make a lanket for my brother for christmas. Both of those things I cant do until my daughter is asleep. And he kept saying that I took those things on myself and that it wasnt his problem, and he was on vacation so he shouldnt have to do anything. And when I ask him when my vacation is, he tells me to get my mom to watch Anna so I can get free time! I was so pissed when that happened. Sorry that was really long. but it is nice to get it out and to tell someone who might understand it. |
| posted by Becky on 12/09/2008 04:38 PM
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| Hi Becky, I can just see what you described. It's funny after years and years of marital therapy we didn't get anywhere becuz the bottom line...if they are that self centered the blame will always be on you. I believe that birth order has a big play in it too. Mine is first born and they are very critical, demanding, controling and self centered. If you don't mind me asking...other than the fact that you have a daughter together...why do you stay together if you are not married? I would have left a long time ago. For me I have 4 and being married really messes it all up. |
| posted by Jill on 12/10/2008 12:53 AM
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Well it isnt all bad, Imean he can be a real jerk with the way he acts and the stuff he does. But he loves Anna,and he works hard so that we can have things we want. And actually this morning when he got home (he works 3rd shift), he cleaned the whole kitchen. Last night when I called and yelled at him he apologized, and said that he would try to clean it a little if he had time. I blew it off because I figured that he would just pick up a few things, or take out the garbage (which he is supposed to do anyway). But I got up and everything was clean!
I mean I get mad at him, and alot of times I cant stand him. But regardless I do love him, and I really want it to work. Sometimes I am just really tired of trying though. I wanted to go to therapy with him. But we dont have health insurance, or the money to pay for it. I think it would help out alot though, just having someone who isn't biased listen to the situations and helping us work through them would be so great. |
| posted by Becky on 12/10/2008 01:06 AM
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| Yes, well, I do hear you. I am much farther down the road than you are. I was where you are though. I hope it works out better for you. Have you tried to find a therapist that does a sliding scale (it goes by your income) or if you go to church they usually offer free counseling depending on the church. (Pentecostal churches will be more willing to talk with you even if you live together). It's funny when I realized your fight was about cleaning. So many of ours have been around that too. I never wanted to be a maid so I have real resentment about being treated like one... |
| posted by Jill on 12/10/2008 01:12 AM
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| Yea, I have to look into it, I always say I am going to but then never get around to it. And yea, lol, sort of about cleaning. Well it was more about a mess that he made, and then tried to pick up after himself, but did a horrible job. (I should just be glad that he is trying,eh? It didn't even used to be that good). But yes, alot of our fights are about cleaning, or him not spending enough time with me and Anna, or him smoking too much, or me doing "nothing" all day, or me spending all of his money, or me not leaving on Sundays when he wants to watch football... okay so we fight about alot of things! Lol, the list just keeps going. But I like to think we are getting better. I can't think of any huge fights we have had in a while, just heated discussions. (which is a huge difference with us) |
| posted by Becky on 12/10/2008 01:32 AM
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| Hi, well, that's good then. I guess my advice (not that you asked) but from experience...resolve things asap. Try to come up with compromises. For example, we fought about where to put the dirty dishes. I say on the counter and he says in the sink. BUT to this day he puts them in the sink and it pisses me off when I have to put my hands in that slime to put them in the dishwasher. It never got resolved. Every day I have to do this I am resentful. I take it personal now since I have asked a million times and reasoned that hey, if you plan to do the dishes then by all means put them in the sink...but he doesn't do them and still my request is ignored...see what I mean? After 16 years that little thing is now a huge knife in my heart becuz it shows me he doesn't care how I feel or to make my day just a little easier. He would say it wasn't personal but after all these years...it is. Do you know what I mean? He is the "sweep it under the rug" kind of guy and it will all go away. We have the biggest pile of crap under the rug and it's like the white elephant in the room. So, with only a few years under your belt I would try to resolve the problems right away. Find a solution to some of the main problems so they don't get so big. I think if we could have agreed on things we would not be so bad. Now I just can't stand to even look at him. I don't like who he is inside anymore. So, I hope you might try that. :) |
| posted by Jill on 12/10/2008 02:44 PM
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| Thank you for the advice, and I think that is so funny, Me and ryan (my fiance) argue over the same thing! I tell him to put the dishes on the counter, but he always puts them in the sink. I hate that because then I have to take everything out before I can wash any dishes. It is a little thing, but it makes such a big difference. He does do better with it now. And we do try to talk things over, I hate when people just try to ignore the problems, hoping they will go away. I would rather just lay it all out (even if it causes an argument) and solve it right then. otherwise we end up having the same fight over and over again. We have done pretty well to resolve things as they come, or to voice our opinons when something bothers us. But there are still those times when I just want to wring his neck because he is annoying me so much. |
| posted by Becky on 12/10/2008 08:35 PM
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| LOL...that is too funny then that I used that example. Well, lucky for you then that he will resolve stuff with you. Mine doesn't. Unfortunately for us I feel we are all but divorced except on paper. I don't even need anymore examples of why I feel it you know? It's so beyond the examples and the he said she said phase. Problem is that I am unwilling to divorce becuz I know that I will lose all control over what my boys do and what he does with them or not with them. He'd probably let my mother in law become the parent or something. Anyhow, for that reason and for the sheer fact that I don't want them to have to grow up in a divorce home. I guess I am not willing to do that extreme yet. I fear I will get there though. I have a 2 yr. old! That's at least 16 more years with him....ugh. |
| posted by Jill on 12/10/2008 10:48 PM
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Yea but is it really worth it for them to grow up with parents who fight or whatever? I am not saying you fight in front of them or anything like that. But I am sure they must be able to sense that you guys are not in love any more. Besides, my parents are divorced, and it isnt all that bad. my mom has the same problem with my little brother, when he goes to my dads house (every other weekend) he rubs off on him and my brother is a pain in the butt for a day or two after he comes back. as long as you guys stay away from trash talking each other to your kids (my dad did that allll the time) then you should be okay. I mean my parents have been divorced for like 10 years now, and the going back and forth wasnt so bad.
I am not telling you to get a divorce, thats all your desicion. I do understand how you feel about it. Even though i know from experience that it isnt so bad, i still dont want to do tht to my daughter. But if it makes you happier to be divorced, then i bet your kids will pick up on that and be happier too.
By the way... you said boys, does that mean you have four boys! geesh. thats alooot of testosterone in one house, lol. |
| posted by Becky on 12/11/2008 12:43 AM
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| Hi, well, yes, I do have a lot of testosterone. I use to have a female cockateil. not anymore. Just moi. Well, I do agree with you in a sense. My parents divorced when I was 9 months and then my mom married and divorced another 2 more times. I think my whole family is screwed up from it. I think that for boys they really need their father but I know that his way of doing things is not always good so I need to be there to monitor him. If we were divorced I would lose that mediator part. I also want to avoid that part like your little brother. BUT you never know. I may get to my end of the rope and then my attitude might change. If you want to email me at my real address instead of going through this you can. I hate signing into it...who's lazy? jillblasi@hotmail.com |
| posted by Jill on 12/11/2008 01:19 PM
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| HI GIRLS I CAN RELATE I JUST RATHER BE MYSELF SOMETIMES I HADPOST A NEW MAIL SO IF YOU LIKE TO READ IT FEEL FREE! MEN JUST MAKE LIFEDIFFICULT AND I RATHER JUST NOT BE BOTHERED I AM STUCK AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! |
| posted by gerri on 12/22/2008 12:55 PM
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Hi ladies. Believe you me I do know that living with a man can be a true test of our patience, love and spiritual well being. After reading your post I do believe that all men are the same deep down, and it painfully saddens me. I can relate to what each of you are saying, to the self-centerdness, to the " don't put your dirty dished in my sink without scraping them off first and rinsing them off", I can't stand food slim either; it's a pet peeve. To the " I can't stand to hear them talk, chew thier food, breath or snoring that I just wished they'd choke and die" To the blaming us for everything and destroying our dreams and spirits. To our differences of how to best raise our children. Sometimes I don't know what to do either. ...But I guess we choose this path too and we need to either ride this rocky mess out or get out and change corse.... All which is easier said than done... cause I'm still here....what does tomarrow bring? |
| posted by busygirl0219 on 04/03/2009 04:26 AM
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yes, i can relate i havwe been tempted to just get in car and go to another state(no money though(idont work and husband wont give me money) |
| posted by theresa on 05/01/2009 09:21 AM
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