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| Need to Vent Group |
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Okay, I usually am not one to be so open about personal things, but I don't know who else to get advise from and I really need help. So, here goes.
My mother-in-law only lives about 25 min. away, and we take my son over at least once a week to see her, and have been doing this since he was born. Anyway, we do not really get along AT ALL. I keep my mouth shut to keep peace. And I mean I really just keep my mouth shut. This woman, God forgive me, no joke, the most outspoken, untolerable, impossible woman you could ever meet. I can do nothing right as far as she is concerned. Well the problem is, is that I literally have to just keep my mouth shut, or all hell will break loose. No matter what the situation. So when we take our son over there and he is due for a nap or to eat, or whatever, I will say lets go eat, or whatever, and she will just ignore me and keep playing with him. This gets so bad that he will just be sitting and complaining or crying he is so tired or whatever, and she don't get it. She will just ask him, what is wrong with you, you are not happy like you usually are. It totally breaks my heart for my son. He can be so miserable. And, since he was born she has been putting things in his mouth for him to eat that he has no business eating. Like chips, to much salt, and he at the time only had 3 teeth. It cut his little gums up. Well I have delt with all of this kind of crap for a year now. It gets better.
Well the week before last we went and she has my son sitting on the edge of the couch with her and I totally saw in my mind's eye what was going to happen. He was going to fall off and we were going to be going to the ER. Well not 20 sec later it happened. He jumped off and she did not have a good enough hold on him and he fell right ontop of this head. He ended up being okay, but the next week that we were over she had him sitting there again. I had gotten on my husband before going that he needs to say stuff to her. It is his mom, and it is not my place. So he says get him off the edge to her. She literally refused and said that she had a hold of him and he was not going anywhere. I felt like saying yeah you thought that last week too. But I kept my mouth shut, and nothing happened this time. When we got home I got all over my husband and told him if he wants me to say what I want to say and not worry about keeping the peace to just let me know. But that, again, he needed to protect his son. I told him he has no idea how it makes me feel to sit there and see things like this happening to my son and not to say anything. It really really breaks my heart and makes me feel like a bad mom. My mom keeps telling me to tell her what I want to just do it in a respectful manner. I can't, I would end up just letting it rip. And anyway, she would be all over me no matter how respectful I was. She is truly very mean to me. But my son really loves her as he should and I will never just not take him over there. We have thought about having her come to our house, but I can't take that even more. To have her in MY home and disresepcting me the way she does. NO WAY. I just don't know what to do. It really is a very sensative situation. HELP.
Sorry so long |
| Posted by Kim on 12/02/2008 03:12 AM
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| i can tell u ive had two mother in laws.and both of them were bitches.so i know how u feel.its good u keep going to her home.ur right not to put the disrespect in your home.if u no she wants to give your kid gets hungry then pack him a healthy lunch to take to grmas.maybe then she wont give him treats? its probably hard on your hubby becus he might be feeling in the middle.thats a bad spot to be in.be patient with him.i would just keep your mouth shut to her.she lives far away anyway.why fight with her?maybe see about visiting her twice a month rather then weekly? good luck |
| posted by amanda on 12/02/2008 06:31 AM
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I can totally relate to your situation. I wasnt maried to my childrens father, but we were together for almost 5 yrs and his mother is the same way.. She doesnt listen to reasonable requests and she will ignore you when you ask her not to do something, but she also has a smart mouth and will tell you off. She also gave my son foods that I didnt want him to have at a young age. Since I have been in that position, I have to say that HE IS YOUR CHILD!! If you dont want her doing something, you should definitely say something. I know you are trying to avoid any confrontation or drama, but you are his Mother and you have total 'say' over what goes on with him. If she doesnt want to care for you son as you ask her to, then maybe she doesnt need to see him. Maybe you should try talking to her about her behavior, and if she doesnt respond well, or act like she will attempt to be better about things...then dont bring him over. Eventually she will call and wonder why you havent brought him. Maybe then, she will listen.
If you're not willing to do that, is it possible that you can stay home and your husband can take him on the visits to his mothers house alone?? I know it would be hard b/c you will be wondering what shes doing the whole time, but at least you wouldnt have to be sitting there watching and not saying anything.
Does your husband share the same concerns you have about the things his mother does? It was harder for me b/c my ex defended his mother all the time, so I pretty much had no legs to stand on.
I ended up picking my battles.. I wouldnt comment on every little thing she did, but if it was something important I would stand my ground about it.
In regards to her not listening when you are ready to go get something to eat or leave for his nap...maybe you could let her know in advance how long you plan on staying and try to go over at least an hour or 2 before nap or lunch time, so she will have plenty of time to play before leaving. Then, maybe announce that you will be leaving in 10 minutes or something like that to give her warning. Then say ok, we have to be going now. and pick him up to leave. Dont wait for her to stop playing or hand him to you, etc..
I hope this helps a little. I know how hard it can be dealing with in-laws.
Keep us posted on what you decide to do.. |
| posted by Amy on 12/02/2008 08:48 AM
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| ;) |
| posted by April on 12/02/2008 03:40 PM
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When we go over there it is for he entire day. He takes his naps there and eats there. I mess around the house and leave as late as I possibly can so he can get one nap in. And as far as my husband goes he does support me. He knows his mother is a yahoo. This is like a slap the head, hello, kind of thing, but what someone said before really hit the nail on the head. She just totally does not respect me in any way. It is just bad. When we do get ready to leave it will take us an hour before we actually get out the door. And to top it off she talks about me to other family and friends. They have came to me and said that they just don't see in me what Gloria (my mother-in-law) says about me can be true. I don't care so much about that, but it still really burns my ass. When ever something is said to her she just rolls her eyes and says real smart like that she raised 2 boys, and that she knows what she is doing. She has even went so far as taking him from me if I am trying to get him to nap, or even when he did fall and land on his head. I was holding him and holding his neck because of the way he fell. I didn't want him to move it untill I found out he was okay. She just came up and toke him and put him on the floor and said just let him play. I could have ripped her head off.
Okay, this is getting to long again. I am just so frustrated. I have never felt like anyone is better than me. That is not the way I am. I am just as good as the next person. But there is something about the air that she puts off to me that really just makes me scared to say anything to her. As far as being the MOM, I know, that is exactally how I feel and why all this bothers me. That is what I say to my husband. I am his mother, she is not, she raised her kids.
Some more info. The other daughter-in-law, her other son's wife has just as much trouble with her if not more because she does defend herself. I don't know. In the 7 years that we have been married I have only laid into her once. I told her that she was a mean old lady. This went on for about an hour or so, and then I walked in the house crying and my father-in-law just looked at me and said you let her get to you. He passed away 2 years ago. And I miss him so much. He helped make things better for me with her. She was actually worse when he was alive and she was having to take care of him. |
| posted by Kim on 12/02/2008 04:18 PM
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I just wanted to thank everyone that posted back. As I sit her crying, shaking my head, and not knowing what to do. It still helped to get it out.
So thanks for just reading and showing interest. |
| posted by Kim on 12/02/2008 04:23 PM
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hi Kim,
I have a very similar relationship with my own mother most times. She too is 30 minutes away and comes over almost every day during the week for an hour or so before their lunchtime. I say "you cannot walk around with food or drink unless it's water" and she deliberatly gives my 2 1/2yr old son a whole apple to run around with, or hands him a juice cup and walks away! We have rules in my house and mostly because I'm concerned for their safety! Walking around with an apple is a HUGE choking hazzard! (I even cut these safety tips out of "parenting" magazines and post them on our refrigerator thinking she'll see the hint)
My mother lets my son sit at the edge of the counter and he too has fallen off, happened this thanksgiving (for like the 5th time) I mean WHAT is she waiting for! Stitches? Seriously I'm blown away by my own mothers lack of safety issues and it totally surpises me that my siblings & I didnt suffer worse injuries when we were little.
She says she's offering advice, that she's been there and done that and is just trying to make my life easier. How do mom's expect us to learn and find our own ways if they are always trying to take over the situation!
I even tried the "my house MY RULES, her house HER RULES" but when safety is concerned I'll protect my kids NO MATTER what!
So, because of this we end up leaving her house early, if she doesnt help gather the kids together I grab them kicking and screaming (she gets upset with me!) I try very hard everyday to keep them on a schedule (& I hate schedules) and dont need her working against me on it!
It's my kids that suffer still 2-3 days later if they miss a nap. Their behavior is way off and they turn into monsters! She doesnt see how all of these things are connected and has even said to me that I fill my head with too much information! Never did I think I'd be accused of reading too much! I'm very dedicated to being the best mother I can be, my knowing all I need to know about nutrition and food and how their bodies react to "lack of sleep" or "too much sugar" it's not because I want to fight but because I may just have a specific reason why I'm saying "no!"
The ONLY words of wisdom I can offer you is this,
"We cannot control every sitation, we can only control how we react to them"
if your child suffers or gets hurt, your job as MOM is to PROTECT & KEEP SAFE. No matter who gets offended dont let anyone keep you from being a good mom! Learn to trust your instincts and dont ever apologize for acting upon them. No need to explain other then "that's just how I feel"
You are the momma, you have the last word so dont let anyone push you aside.
Good luck! Stick to your guns! If anyone has a problem with your actions or concerns let them, it's not your job to explain yourself to anyone, so dont!
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| posted by Yoni on 12/02/2008 07:42 PM
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| I agree 100% with Yoni. |
| posted by Alisa on 12/03/2008 12:48 AM
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You all are right. I guess that I just needed to know that I had a little support. I let my husband read the posts after reading Yoni's. I do agree with you. I think I have a new found confidence. We will find out on Sat. or Sun. My husband said that he would sit down and talk to her before then, and try to get her to see how she makes me feel. One thing my husband said that really shocked me though was that she told him that she feels like she can't do anything right. I don't know maybe we need to just sit down and talk. Maybe we both are feeling the same way and just need to let it out to each other. Hard to do though. She has never never been someone I can talk to about anything in the 8 years I have known her, 7 that we have been married.
Thanks again to all of you. I really really do appreciate it.
Yoni, your post made me cry and helped to give me a back bone. Your story is sooooo much like mine. Even down to the schedule. I hate schedules. I am late every where I go. And I try so hard to keep him on a schedule. Thanks again. |
| posted by Kim on 12/03/2008 03:34 AM
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| Id have a talk w her while he is sleeping next time.My MIL doesnt have anything at all to do w my kids.I guess its a blessing in disguise. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/03/2008 01:21 PM
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My mother-in-law always made me feel like I was stupid and that I did not know anything about children. Especially, when my oldest was born in 2005, she had a lot to say. I know that she was just trying to help. She was not as mean as Kim's mother-in-law. I am so sorry that you have to deal with her. You seem to be a strong, smart woman!
One of my friends once suggested that maybe my mother-in-law acted the way that she did was because she was jealous that I was a good mom. I am sure that she did her best when she had her children. She has told me that she would have done things differently. We all wish that we did things different at one point of our lives. It does not give us the right to force it in other people's lives. Anyway, my mother-in-law moved to Florida this summer and visits when she can. She is not as bad as she used to be and I am happy about that!! Therefore, you see, people do change their ways when they want to.
I think that it is a good idea that you do bring your son to her house because she is the Grandmother. As someone else said, maybe your husband can take him to her house. If you have to bring him, cut down to every other week or less. I hope the best of luck to you when you do get the chance to sit and talk about this situation. Please keep us posted and I wish you the best of luck!!!! |
| posted by Monica on 12/03/2008 03:01 PM
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Hi Kim,
I just wanted to say it was nice for me to also be able to relate to someone, helping you helped me and I'm glad we were able to do that for each other!
Moms Unite!
Best of Holidays and good luck this weekend! |
| posted by Yoni on 12/04/2008 04:39 PM
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Thanks Yoni. I hear you. It is very nice to relate to someone when you really feel like you are alone with something. And thanks for the vote of confidence for this weekend. I have already been talking to my husband about it and we both are not looking forward to it. But you got to do what you got to do. I will never sit back and watch my son get hurt again if I can help it. That made me just feel like the worse mother. Well thanks again. And if you ever need to vent about the situation my ears are always open.
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| posted by Kim on 12/05/2008 02:49 AM
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I was a little disturbed when I read about your son falling. You were doing what every good mother should; we comfort them when they get hurt. The part that you said, "I was holding on to his neck and I did not want him to move it because of the way he fell on his head." Then, your mother-in-law just grabbed him out of your arms and put down to play. She sounds as if she has psychological problems. No offense, but I would not leave him alone with her.
I am sorry I posted twice, but I felt like I really needed to get this off my chest. It reminded me of this one time when I brought my oldest son, who was two years old, to my parents' house and a similar situation happened. |
| posted by Monica on 12/05/2008 03:56 PM
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| my mother in law is the same way! i am a "green" organic mommy and she doesnt believe in that. she believes the way she parented back in the DAY is the right and only way to parent. but times have completely changed and so has laws about safety! she never leaves me alone about the way i want to parent and even tells me when i let her babysit shes going to take my daughter to see all her friends and that even though they all smoke ill just have to deal with it |
| posted by Britney on 01/10/2009 01:32 PM
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| Yoni that was some good advice. |
| posted by Holly on 01/10/2009 01:51 PM
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| Britney, The smoking thing is going to far. That is just wrong. I smoke myself. I would never never do this around my son. I do not smoke in the house, in the car, or when we go out to eat. It is my habit not his. I think I would have to put my foot down about people being around your child and smoking. My MIL smokes also, but that is one issue we have never had. She is very repectfull about not smoking around my son. She goes outside at her own home if we are there and she wants to smoke. |
| posted by Kim on 01/10/2009 11:13 PM
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