 |
|
|
|
| Step Families / Blended Families |
| Public online group |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Im a new step mother of a 6yr old Little boy. and a Bio mother of a 13month little girl.. Im having alot of problems with my step sons mother.. I feel its jealousy, but not quite sure. Im very good to her son, and want to be more involved in his daily activites, but she doesn't want to me because im not his "parent". I went to his parent teacher confrence with my fiance. But she didn't want me to go. she says "its a PARENT teacher confrence for a reason, and im not his parent" do you think im wrong for wanting to go and to be more involved, or should I give them there space and let them do it together? if i just give them there space, i feel like im not being included in his life. and I do alot for this little boy, and i absolutley love him to death. Im so confused and don't know what to do... |
| Posted by Megan on 11/25/2008 11:22 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
Hey Megan! Welcome! I have been step for 5 years. since before she went to school! I definately feel the pull to want to be involved in all aspects of his life! I am very good to my step and am as involved as I can be wiothout stepping over the boundry!! How often do you have the little boy? How long have you and his father been together? Were they married? i have my step 50/50 so I want to be as involved as possible! Now I do not go to parent teacher conference's. But before my husband goes we do discuss what things he should address and any concerns we have! He usually calls me on the way home from the conference to tell me what happened! Now I do go to the schools open house with her mom and my husband! that is a different story! When there are things to volunteer for in her class I let her mom choose the ones she wants to do and then I choose from what is left! We have found this was acceptable for us!! In this way I am not stepping on her mom's toes but I do get to be involved... And because I have been there until you are his wife I wouldn't expect any changes from the mom! For her part she probably feels like she will believe it when she sees it.. So to her you are"just" a girlfriend.. I know that sounds harsh but my husbands ex and I have discussed this and that was how she felt!
And there is that bit of jealousy! My husbands ex(they were never married which in my mind somehow makes a difference) Knows that I am a better mother than her even though she would never say so! She loves her daughter very very much so and I would never expect less. Although I do love my little girl as if I gave birth to her! In other ways I am better and we both know this.. Like she always asks how we get her to behave... or follow rules, or do her homework or take a shower without a fight! So I am sure that she is jealous of these things because she can;t do them! I am also 100% sure that she is jealous of the life we have together! I get to be a stay at home mom, she has to work. Her Ex loves me to no end and she can't get into a steady relationship! Those things have nothing to do with the child!
If any of this seems harsh I do not mean it to be! this has been my experience! IT was "NOT" easy at first. It took us about 3 years to get where we are now! Which is a good place! Her mother and I ocasionally talk on the phone about stuff that has nothing to do with our situation! We all are able to go out to dinner together! And we have been known to sit on my back porch (all 3 of us) and throw back some beers! Now It took a "LOT" of work on the part of all 3 of us! We had a lot of issues with money. I will tell you that when it came to my finances (meaning his and mine) I put my foot down! The first time we went to put her in daycare she was all ready to put her in this place that was like $300 a week and expected us to pay it! I said absolutely not! I gave her an amount we woudl pay per week and that was it! She was not going to run my finances and make us broke just to be a jerk! It really really really made her angry but I didn;t care! At that amount we would have had trouble paying our bills and that was not cool! she was doing it just because she could! And it jarred her that my husband was standing up to her!
Believe me it will take time for everything to work out! But hopefully it will be good for all parties when you do! i hope this has been helpful and we can talk more about it"!!!! there is a light at the end of the tunnel~
:) Becky |
| posted by becky on 11/26/2008 08:29 AM
|
|
|
|
|
| Hey Becky, thank you so much for the advice and taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it. Its hard for me because I dont really have anyone I can talk to about the whole situation. Well we have his son every weekend, every holiday, and thursday to monday all summer. I've been with my fiance for 2 and a half years. His son's mom and him were never married. They were together for 4 years, and they haven't been together for 4 years. The biggest problem I have with her is dealing with the fact that she still wants to be with him. When she found out I was pregnant with our daughter she was so upset and was telling him how she thought that they would get back together, and that she never thought he would have a child with anyone else but her. and she would text his cell phone and tell him that she missed him. But when he didn't go back with her, it made her not like me even more. She actually called his sister a month ago, and told her that she would get back with him in a heart beat but she couldnt deal with me for the rest of her life. So now I feel a little insecure i guess. I feel like I have to monitor how much they talk and what they talk about.. I feel like a crazy fiance...lol Another reason why I am the way I am is because 2 years ago, when she found out I was pregnant, I was out of town..He spent the night with her and they had sex. Well I knew in my heart that they did but they both pleaded the 5th until recently. He finally told me. I try my hardest to get along with this woman, but I can't stand her at all. She is way to nosey and involved in his personal life. Everytime we get into a disagrement or a fight, she calls him and tries to be his best friend. But when were fine, she does nothing but give him a hard time about everything. She calls me and acts like my best friend and trash talk him to try to get me to agree with what she is saying so she can play one against the other and make us argue. It bothers me so much. On top of everything...He is to blind to see what she's really doing. I just want all this to end. I just want them to communicate only about there son. and I want to be civil with her, but she makes it so hard. I am a really nice girl, I always keep my mouth shut when she says things to me that aggravates me because I dont want her to get the satisfaction of knowing that she is succeeding. But I can only take so much..Its really putting a strain on my relationship as a family with him...I just don't know what to do..I need someone to talk to... =[ |
| posted by Megan on 11/28/2008 10:22 PM
|
|
|
|
|
I totally feel you! I don't know if she would ever want to get back with my husband but I know she is jealous of us and our relationship in her own way! As for her calling his sister!!! Unless they are arranging something for the boy his sister should cut off all contact with her and your guy should tell his sister that! I would be totally pissed if his brothers still talked to his ex!!! That is way out of line!
Obviously our situations are a little different, she cheated on him while pregant and then left him when my step was 3 months old and moved in with the new guy! So they were already apart 3 years when we strarted dating!
My husband and her talk on the phone a million times a day! After all these years they actually have a friend ship! There have been times when he has been super annoyed with her and not talked to her for a few days! But I actually talk to her a few times myself each week!
I am not sure how I would have felt if they had slept together earlier in our relationship! And when I was pregnant! I give you a lot of credit for staying with him after that!
I would just weather it! If you are secure with your fiance then things will get better! But he has to do a few things! This is what I woudl do! And it may make thngs worse with his ex at first but the pay off will be great!
1.) He needs to tell the members of the family to cut off all contact with her. When they broke up the families relationship with the ex ended.. And if they need to talk to her about the kid they can talk to your man and he will do all the calls and arranging!
2.) With you there in person (not over the phone) in front of you he needs to tell his ex that they will not be getting back together!
3.) He needs to tell his ex that at this time unless they are communicating about the boy there is to be no other contact! (at least for the time being)
He needs to make it very clear that they are not going to EVER get back together! And then you need to monitor their communications and speak up if you feel that boundaries are being crossed (even if they are on the phone or in person)! I would tell him all the time when he was on the phone with her dont talk about that, that is none of her business etc.... I had to do all this and it sucked for a while but after like 6 months it got easier and they both learned their lessons!
You have to set your own boundaries and don;t let them be crossed! It may seem realy stressful but if you are going to make it without her breaking you up then these are the types of things you need to do!
Tell me about your baby girl~!
My son is 5 months old! he is the best baby! Only cries when he is wet or hungry! it is the best! He doesn;t like to be bored! So he keeps me hopping! I love it! Well baby duty calls. I hope I can be of some help! And believe me all advise is meant to help not make you feel bad or like you are doing something wrong! If they don;t fit you or work no harm done!
:) Bec |
| posted by becky on 11/29/2008 08:57 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Thanks so much..
I kind of already monitor what they talk about. He gets so mad at me, because I always tell him..if she asks questions about you or us, tell her it doesn't concern her. but he doesn't. He just makes up a different excuse that doesn't give her any imformation..but he needs to tell her. As for his family goes.. there gonna do what they want to do.. My fiance's sister is friends with his ex on myspace, and they talk often. I'd feel like he would be telling her who she can and can't be friends with.. it may cause problems. not sure tho. But im deff. going to talk to him about all those things. He's very open minded which i guess is a good thing. theres another thing that she does that makes me sooooo annoyed..lol she sit there on the phone with me and say stuff about the past that has nothing to do with me.. for example, she'll be like the reason why were not together isnt because of me, its because of him.. and i really do hope u guys get married because im never getting back with him.. I sit there and think in my head...(well thats kinda funny, because thats not what you were saying a month ago..and actions speak louder then words) but I just keep my mouth shut. Another thing that she does is.. She call his cell phone like 5 or 6 times in a row if he doesn't answer.. Then she'll blow up his house phone, then she'll call my phone.. and then she'll even go as far as calling his mom and asking her where he is.. And he tells her consintly that If i dont answer, I'll get your missed call.. and im sure if something was wrong with my son you would leave a message. She just needs to get a life of her own, and grow up a little bit.. I mean come on now, shes alot older then me, and im more grown up then her..lol
anyway, my daughter is 13months old.. She is so happy all the time.. she never cries...not even when I lay her down to go to bed. she is such a good baby. but she only has 1 tooth...lol so shes getting a little cranky with the teething thing.. but other then that she's great!
=D Megan |
| posted by Megan on 11/29/2008 03:05 PM
|
|
|
|
|
ok well i have read what u wrote and i am in the same situation.my husbands ex is always calling him and telling him she loves him .i tell him he needs to tell her that he dont love her and they will never get back together.but he dont.and when i go out of town my husband cheats because his daughter tells me when i get back.i have put up with so much crap and im still with him.i love him and we have been married for 3 years in august. he has 2 girls that i love to death and i have a daughter that does not live with us and we also have a son together.also him and his ex have a child and we cant even see her cause his ex wont let her around me.she tells him that i abuse her and i dont.i love all my kids and would never think about hurting none of them.oh yea i almost forgot,he slept with his ex while i was delivering our son too.i didnt find out that until after we got married.i found out through her and i confronted him and he denied it at first then said yea we did.boy was i pissed.i dont believe in divorce but if i could of hurt him i would of if u know what i mean.i am a stay at home mom and i do everything for our family.and this is the respect i get.i dont know what to do.i want to leave but like i said i dont want to divorce.i fell so lonely and dont know what way to turn.he dont give me no money or put gas in our car so i can get away by myself for a bit.i feel like a prisoner.can anyone give me some advice of what to do? |
| posted by angie on 05/17/2009 02:24 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Angie,
It sounds like you are really getting fed up, and rightfully so. Aside from the cheating, if your husband is hurting you physically, you must get yourself away from him and get some help. Emotional abuse is also very, very serious, and if you feel you are being abused you should reach out for help and leave at least until he addresses his problems. Please talk to someone in your circle of friends/family.
Take care, Angie |
| posted by Angie on 05/18/2009 11:02 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
