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Okay this will probably be kind of long, because it takes alot of explaining for someone not in my family to understand, but i would really appreciate if anyone would read it and let me know if i am crazy, or if i am justified.
I have about 30 or so cousins on my dads side of the family. when we were little they used to get us all together and do a picture of "the cousins". Well now that we are all grown up my cousins decided that we should do a picture of all of us now as a present to our parents and my gramma. The problem I have with it is... (this is a little long)
1) the picture would be for my dad, who i do not talk to, have no desire to talk to, and who treats me like crap. and also for my aunts, uncles and gramma, who dont talk to me unless they absolutly have to. (and havent since i was 17 and my dad kicked me out, for the second time)
2) the place they decided to take the picture is about 40 minutes away from where i live... that seems like really far to drive for something i dont care about. plus my car is a piece of crap.
3) i have a one year old daughter... who i would have to try to watch while i stood their trying to take like 20 different pictures (because no one can decide on what shot they want)
those were my main reasons for not going, but then when i said i wasnt going to be there, one of my cousins said she wasnt going either, and then her two brothers decided not to go either. so one of my other cousins calls me and lays this huge guilt trip on me about how this would mean so much to everyone, and how would it make my gramma feel if she opened it on xmas and they told her i wasnt in it because i just didnt want to be there. and a whole lot of other stuff. ( keep in mind that these are people that havent talked to me in about 4 years). so we ahve had a thread going on facebook that is all about this christmas stuff, and someone asked about why i wasnt going, so i told them basically i just dont want to, but then added that i already talked to two people and told both of them that i wasnt saying yes yet, but i would think about it. and they all started pretty much trashing me and/or trying to lay guilt trips again. and everytime they start doing that it just makes me want to go even less. Honestly, they may not understand this, but i really just dont see why i should go through all the trouble and put in so much effort, for something i do not care about. This picture is not going to anyone that i have an actual relationship with, so why should i bother?
My cousin even brought up that even though my dad doesnt show he would be hurt if i wasnt in it. though if i were honest with myself, another reason i dont want to be in it is because i do not want him to have a picture of me. I dunno, i think people are putting way too much into this picture. But i wanted someone who wass unbiased to let me know what they think. |
| Posted by Becky on 11/24/2008 09:43 PM
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| i heard everything you said in your letter.. felt all you inconveniences and say Go anyway.... havign your daughter see a bonding like that wether it be for a picture or whatever shows there is a foundation in family.... Ok we all have family members who basically suck... my point is I believe after you drive your not so reliable car to the point of destnation and go through the riggamaroo of what you describe you will actually have a good memory in the end.... |
| posted by ellen on 11/24/2008 10:24 PM
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| Becky.i understand.ive had a similar situation with family too.i have a idea.why dont u get u an your kids and hubby your own xmas photo and just send it to them.then u dont have to feel guilty.u dont have to see or talk to them and your showing what a wonderful family u have without them.plus u can never have too many photos of your kids right.?good excuse to have a new photo. that way everyone is happy. good luck |
| posted by amanda on 11/24/2008 10:33 PM
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| Becky, I have to agree with Amanda on this one. You should get your own picture of your family and send it to them. One thing I've learned in this life, through counseling, is boundaries. You must set your boundaries. If you are uncomfortable for all the reasons you stated above about getting there, being there, and who the pic is for, then taking a picture of your family still provides your Grandmother with a keepsake and it will be even more personalized than if you had gone with the entire family. It is a dignified way of solving this dilemma. |
| posted by Lori on 11/25/2008 08:06 AM
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The only concern I would have about not going is...do you have a good relationship with the cousins? (aside from the guilt trips their putting on you) I understand you dont care about the gift for your family b/c you dont see or talk to or care about them.. but if you have a good relationship w/ the cousins, then it might be fun to go even if not for the actual gift, but just to see them and catch up, and have a picture for yourself of you with your cousins. It would be good for your daughter too. (unless you could get a babysitter for her)
If you dont ever really see or talk to the cousins either or have a good relationship with them, and it wont be a big deal to you if they are mad at you..then I wouldnt go. I wouldnt go out of my way to see people I dont care about to take a picture for people I dont care about. But if you want to keep a good relationshp w/ the cousins, you should go.
I hope that made sense. |
| posted by Amy on 11/25/2008 08:48 AM
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| Don't go they don't deserve a damn thing from you especially if they treated you like shit and didn't want any part of your life, then they don't deserve a picture now. I am going through the same things you are going threw and I have decided enough is enough and it is time to burn the bridges. No family of mine would ignore and abandon me so they don't deserve anything from me. They try to be all nice when they want something from you, then when they are done with you throw you away again only to bring you out of the "box" when they want to use you again. I have been through this and it sucks and makes me feel like shit after they are done with me. You don't deserve to be used like that. Just say no and be done with it. |
| posted by Alisa on 11/25/2008 09:46 AM
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Alisa, I have to say that i liked your response the best, but maybe it is only because i want to feel justified. I do like the idea of sending my own xmas picture. The only cousin that i talk to isnt going to be there either, and she and i are going to do a picture of our daughters in their xmas dresses together. But as for the rest of my family, No one talks to me. until this whole picture thing came up, not one of these people cared about me or what was happening in my life. And even now, i keep thinking i should go, but then i read all the stuff they keep writing about me. And why would i want to stand in a room full of people who all think i am a piece of crap just because i dont want to do this picture.
but i will definetly just send an xmas card to my gramma instead.i like that idea much better. |
| posted by Becky on 11/25/2008 11:55 AM
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I say you should go. This is the giving season after all. And besides that someone always has to be the bigger person. I know you probably do not want to hear this, and I think you have good reason to not want to do this, but you should be the bigger person. Even if no one else knows that you were the bigger person. It is what is right, and you will know that you were the bigger person and did what was right. It sounds like none of them are doing what is right.
I would hate to have to be in your situation. It is a tough call. Good luck. |
| posted by Kim on 11/25/2008 01:43 PM
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Don't go! My father's family is like this. When he passed away 4 years ago, his parents blamed me for killing him. After awhile, I tried to be the better person and at least contact them by email. Finally, I decided that they are not worth my time including his siblings. I have blown them off completely. I was at least nice enough to send a birth announcement to his parents when my son was born. I just don't have the time and energy for people like this. Good luck!
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| posted by on 11/25/2008 05:43 PM
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| you mentioned the key words here and that is these people always thought i was crap..!!! Go you arent crap and you arent doing it for them.. you are doing this for you... why? because you have the balls to stand up to them and say I am not crap!!! I exist too.. |
| posted by ellen on 11/25/2008 10:36 PM
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| I really think you shouldn't go. |
| posted by on 11/26/2008 09:26 AM
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| okay, well as of now i am going. I talked to my cousin (the only one i talk to) and we decided that it is just easier to go and smile, and pretend. rather than keep listening to them and all of the crap they are saying. I, personally, am still mad at some of the things they have said. but it is just easier this way. after this i dont have to go anywhere near them anymore. |
| posted by Becky on 11/26/2008 11:56 AM
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| hope you enjoy yourself after you go..... |
| posted by ellen on 11/27/2008 08:28 AM
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| I think that you have made the right decision to go!!!! When your daughter is older, she will see pictures of her mother and family together. I think that it is very important. You never know what will happen in the future! |
| posted by Monica on 11/28/2008 02:33 PM
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Monica,
i totally agree with you.. so many times i have seen my family and my friends family go estranged from eachother and some of those times they never forgave their family member... I didnt want that for my kids |
| posted by ellen on 11/28/2008 04:42 PM
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| DONT GO. YOUR DAD DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOU AND ITS APPARENT SO MANY OTHERS IN YOUR FAMILY DONT. IGNORE THE CALLS AND FACEBOOK COMMENTS. LIVE YOUR LIFE. |
| posted by ERIN on 11/29/2008 10:48 AM
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| I agree with Erin don't go. All you will show your child is that is good to surround yourself with lairs and hypocrites. Don't let yourself be used like that, it will only make yourself feel dirty and disgusted at yourself. These people don't give a damn about you or your child all they care about is making them feel better about themselves. I have been through it, had the whole lets be a family bit thrown at me and what did they do as soon as they got what they wanted from me? Treated me like crap talked shit about my family continued to judge me after they used me for their gain. You will regret going just like I regret it to this day. |
| posted by Alisa on 11/29/2008 08:43 PM
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| Follow your heart.Do what you feel best. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/30/2008 11:34 AM
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