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| Help! I've been a SAHM for a little over a year. My husband and I both decided I would quit my job to stay at home with our twins. Lately, my husband has been making comments, usually in front of other people, about how I don't have an income or how it's easy to spend money when one doesn't have an income. It's OK for him to go out with his buddies one or two nights a week and spend money, but I'm questioned when I buy popcorn from the boy scout selling door to door. I don't think I waste money, don't buy extras that I'd like for our house. I have a medical condition and have been gaining weight and most of my clothes no longer fit me, but I haven't purchased many new ones, even though I really do need them. He keeps telling me that money's tight, but also is talking about buying himself exercise equipment (that he probably won't use anyway), and just bought himself a new car. I don't say anything about that because I guess its his money and he can do what he wants with it. I guess I could go back to work, but that is something I'd regret for the rest of my life. I also know I wouldn't be able to find a job locally that pays what I previously was making. I'm really frustrated and sad and don't really know what to do. I try talking to him but he clams up. He's been distracted lately, says the business isn't doing as well as it has been, and he has a lot on his mind. But we are by no means living paycheck to paycheck or struggling to make ends meet. I grew up poor and don't want to be in that situation ever again and would go back to work immediately if that were the situation. That's why this is so frustrating for me. I thought he realized how much work it is staying at home. But all he does is make me feel guilty for not bringing home a paycheck. Then I'm questioned about how much I spend at Target for necessities and food. |
| Posted by Kristine on 11/14/2008 10:37 PM
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Maybe you could get a part time job, just for spending money. But I guess daycare would eat it all up.
I think your situation sounds unfortunate. I think SAHM are some of the hardest working people on the planet. And even though you don't bring in an income, you sound like you make contributions in other ways. Marriage is a partnership, and everyone does not contribute in the same way.
I wish I had advice on how to talk to you husband, but except being direct and telling him how you feel, I have anything. |
| posted by lilbunnyhops on 11/14/2008 10:46 PM
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as a stay at home mom, i think the statement that "I guess its his money and he can do what he wants with it." is 100% wrong.
I feel that the money my fiance makes is our money. i made the choice to stay home, and i spend money. but i take care of our child. i do the majority (if not all of) the housework and cooking. just because i dont get doesnt make it anyless of a job. and having twins makes twice the work. I would sit him down and tell him that even if he doesnt realize he is doing it, he is making you feel bad for not having an income. And ask him why he makes you feel bad for spending money when you are the one keeping the house running. and you are using it on things that are necessary. it is absolutly ridiculous that he makes you feel bad for spending money that should belong to both of you... not him. regardless of who has the paying position, you both work for that. |
| posted by Becky on 11/14/2008 11:23 PM
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Hi krist ine,
first let me say I was like you in many ways... worked all my life and was used to my money being mine and his his... In your case it is liek that still with your hubby buying unecessary desires like the exercise equipment.. the car I an understand if it was necessary.... anyway... whne i became a SAHm I still had that idea that his money was his and I felt guilty about spending it... My hubby is a great guy.. he kept reminding me that his money is ours and we are a team... so to make this story short I have grown accustomed to thinking like that.. in your case it appears that even though you agreed to being a sahm and him being the breadwinner (we will say) his mentallity hasnt come around to remembering that agreement.. I think you should be assertive and tell him look.. we both made this agreement that i would be a sahm things have to change.. being a sahm is like having a full time job and though your not beinging ina paycheck spiritually it is a higher paying job then yours... we are a team and we have to work towards getting to our goals..
Maybe i am being a bit agressive but the point is you need to say I deserve this time with our children and I am bringing in more then you can see, so open your eyes for God sake and stop being a boy..... |
| posted by ellen on 11/15/2008 12:11 AM
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I am a SAHM too and my husband works, but we are a team. He goes to work and comes home to make dinner I am very lucky with that because I can't cook. I stay at home watching our son and keeping the house and finances in order. He is very educated and smart, but can't balance a check book.
Marriage is a 50/50 relationship. Doesn't he know that you if you divorced you would get 50% of what he "owns"? Not saying that you will divorce it's just that you have every right to the money he makes if you are a good mother to his children and keep the house together. What would he do with out you?
There is no easy way of doing this you need to just confront him about this and see what is going on.
I hope everything works out for you. |
| posted by Alisa on 11/15/2008 01:50 AM
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| Thanks so much to everyone for all the input! I feel better knowing that it's not unreasonable to feel this way. Now I just have to decide what to do next, i.e. how to bring this up to him and get him to listen. |
| posted by Kristine on 11/15/2008 08:07 AM
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I have to agree with the other ladies, that 'his' money is also your money. If you discussed the situation as a couple when you were pregnant and you BOTH decided that you would stay home then maybe he needs to be reminded of that. If he is feeling stressed and doesnt feel like he is providing as much as he was before or if he feels stressed that may be the reason for his comments. You should definitely talk to him about the situation and find out what the issues are. I dont know what field you were in when you were working, but most likely if you did get a job, daycare would take up most of your check. . depending on how much you would be left with, it may or may not be worth it. You should check into daycare prices and then do the math and let him know how much you are saving by staying home, and then let him know how much you would be able to contribute if you did work and pay the daycare out of your check. .Approach him with the attitude that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help out. Sometimes breaking it down into simpler terms for men is the only way to get through to them. You have to give him the actual numbers, otherwise he'll keep thinking 'she isnt making any money' but in reality you are saving money by staying home.
If he is questioning how much money you are spending on necessities, maybe you could suggest he do the shopping, so he knows that you arent splurging.
I know it can be hard if he is clamming up when you try to talk about it, so you could also try writing him a letter, or an email. He might be more responsive if he doesnt have to face you while resolving the issue. |
| posted by Amy on 11/15/2008 08:43 AM
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First of all, I would like to say that all these women have very good input. I think that this it is a really good group to be part of. I am glad that I found it!
I am a stay at home Mom and I love it. Unfortunatley, I am struggling to make ends meet. I can understand why you (Kristine) feel like you might regret going back to work. I would feel so guilty leaving my two sons with daycare providers. Unless, you have family members that can help you take care of the kids. In my case, I really don't have any family that can help me.
My husband works full-time, but his paycheck does not cut it! I have been looking for jobs that I can work from home. I have an Associates Degree in the Legal Field. Therefore, I have been looking at Legal Transcription jobs. I think that it may be a good idea for you to try to work from home. Then, you can still be with your children and feel good about bringing home a paycheck.
I do believe that your husband's money is also your money. So, I cannot understand why he questions you about how much you spend. |
| posted by Monica on 11/15/2008 02:13 PM
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| I think everybody goes through this when they are a sahm. My husband always reminds me he will do what he wants to because he brings the money in and I don't. Well I finally got to the point where I decided to go to beauty school and work part time. I will be bring some money home and I will get a break from stress with staying home. Good luck. Hopefully it'll work out for you guys. |
| posted by Kris on 11/16/2008 10:16 AM
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| I can guarantee that if the situations were reversed and he was staying home and you were working it would definately be OUR money and not just your money. |
| posted by Katie on 11/16/2008 10:22 AM
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| To me it sounds like something else is going on besides what you think it is. Sometimes the real argument is hidden under superficial. My hubby occasionally tells me I get more slack time/sleep but hasn't really talked about money..besides that I need a job to buy a house. When you talk to him, don't attack and try to figure it out because he's not upset that you are spending His money...there's something under that. |
| posted by on 11/16/2008 10:32 AM
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| i hear ya hun, my fiance will bitch about there being no money but yet he will buy little things for his bmx bikes or rc cars. and this year we may not have a christmas for our girls. honestly, he sounds like my fiance and i love my man but he has a hard time admitting when he is wrong. just ignore your man. |
| posted by ERIN on 11/16/2008 12:28 PM
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Ok. I may be way off base, but Im going to say it because I have lived it. Maybe there is something WAY WAY deeper then you think. Has he always been that way, or is it a recent change? If he is going out twice a week with "the guys" and considering buying exercise equipment, maybe he is *gasp* having an affair. My husband went from happy-go-lucky to asshole practically overnight. And its because he was seeing someone else. He would pick fights about nothing.- - - I spend to much money. I dont keep the house clean enough. I dont do the laundry fast enough. Etc. But he also joined the gym, bought a new car, and changed his hair. At the time I would have defended him to the grave because I never thought it would happen to us, but it did. I was pregnant with our third baby. I had gained weight, and not all of it cuz of the pregnancy. I had let myself go. Its easy to do when you stay home alone all day. Maybe I had slacked a little on the chores. But by no means was it reason to stray.
Anyways, Im just sayin, it might not be anything you are doing wrong. And it might not be about the money. Food for thought.
On the other hand, if it is about his money versus your money, maybe you should give him a bill. Charge him for the work you do around the house. What would a personal chef charge to cook three meals and 2 snacks for a family each day? How about a maid to clean and do laundry a few hours each day? And a nanny to care for 2 babies 24 hours a day? A personal shopper to buy groceries and household supplies? An accountant to make sure the bills are paid? A butler to answer the door and phone? A dog walker? And I know you probably give a little lovin now and then so you could even charge him for that! Do you see what Im getting at? Type it up. Print it off. And make sure you charge accordingly. If you are a great nanny, you would get paid well. If you are an awesome housekeeper, you would make a pretty penny. Let him see how much you do and what he would be missing without you! It might make a little more sense to him then. Good luck. |
| posted by Kelly on 11/16/2008 09:29 PM
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FWIW, I also thought he might be picking a fight b/c of an underlying issue. I just didnt want to make any assumptions about your relationship.
Hopefully thats not what it is. |
| posted by Amy on 11/17/2008 09:17 AM
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| Dont do any housework for 1 week and feed only u and the kids.That way he can see what u never do during the day.I did it to mine for 3 days and he went freaked.Told he he better not ever fkg tell me ima lazy bitch again. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/17/2008 09:32 AM
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Hi Kristine,
I too feel the same way you do! I'm a SAHM of a 2.5yr old and a 1yr old.
I dont always like it, money issues rise from time to time but I've managed to do what I consider "my part" my contribution to the family. I hunt for bargains, "who sells cheaper diapers" I clip coupons and I sell & buy on ebay. The money I make from everyone's outgrown clothes and toys goes back into my family. It pays for the kids winter clothes, new jeans for me, educational toys for the kids and occasionally I get to "treat" myself to something for our house.
Also, ebay is all mine. My husband is not involved in anyway and I get to make my own choices about what I want to purchase next.
Sell your outgrown clothes and get yourself some new ones! I've sold all my pre pregnancy clothes from before my 1st baby and also my post pregnancy clothes from my 2nd pregnancy. My rule is I'll sell as I outgrow them too make $ for the next size (down hopefully:) It will help you feel better about yourself and not so hung up on what your husband just spent his money on. I think ebay is so cool! I get new stuff, stuff we need from stuff that we no longer need. It's a win win situation. Just dont buy him anything, keep that $ for you and the kids. You'd be amazed at how much excess stuff we all have laying around that someone would buy!
I didnt plan to be a SAHM mom, I was working part time after my 1st was born but once I found out I was pregnanct only 9m later I knew I had to stay home. I dont always like it but I knew if I went back to work I'd feel guilty and never forgive myself. Us women can be really hard on ourselves when it comes to taking care of others. Just remember, you will NEVER get that time back with your kids. I take photo's everyday of my kids and when my boy hugs me I hold on a little longer then I should because I know someday will come and he wont want to hug me. Time is so precious, too bad your husband doesnt realize that. It's his loss!
He should be proud that he can support his family! Not act like you're sucking him dry. I think he's being selfish and thats too bad. When he starts making comments to you just tell yourself in your head that, "you're not the selfish one, he is" it's really too bad that he doesnt realize that.
Best of luck! |
| posted by Yoni on 11/17/2008 09:00 PM
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| I'M A SAHM , AND HAVE BEEN FOR 23 YEARS NOW(MY YOUNGEST IS JUST 3 & MY OLDEST IS 23). JUST LET ANYONE TELL ME THAT I DON'T WORK, AND I'LL LET THEM HAVE IT!!! I WORK MY ASS OFF FOR NO PAY, OR PRAISE. MY HUSBAND GETS A PAY CHECK AND A HELL OF A LOT OF PRAISE AT WORK FOR A GOOD JOB DONE. ONLY IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME HOMELESS DO I THINK YOU SHOULD GO OUT AND GET A JOB !!! |
| posted by KIM on 11/22/2008 10:59 AM
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men really dont know what we sahm's do. my fiance has been out of work the last few months. so he sees what i do. he hast said anything about it, he's just been doing what i tell him to do. men, unless in a situation the same as ours, will NEVER understand.
my fiance wakes up and does what HE wants. he doesnt worry about our daughter. so, because after many talks he doesnt understand yet still, i deny him sex. if he thinks i sit around and do nothing all day, then i will do the same at night. |
| posted by ERIN on 11/22/2008 11:16 AM
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| I TOO WOULD DENY SEX IF I DIDN'T GET RESPECT. I AM SO TIRED AT NIGHT SOME TIMES FROM ALL OF THE HARD WORK I DO ALL DAY. SOMETIMES I THINK AN OUTSIDE JOB WOULD BE A LOT EASIER. MY NEIGHBORS WORK AND HIRE HOUSE KEEPERS TO DO WHAT I DO AND I THINK THEY LIVE THE GOOD LIFE. HOWEVER I WOULD NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE RAISING MY DAUGHTER,SO I PUT UP W/IT. |
| posted by KIM on 11/22/2008 11:29 AM
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| i agree kimmy. i love being at home with my daughter. i just ish my man would see that while i dont leave home everyday to work i do 'work' at home. |
| posted by ERIN on 11/22/2008 12:26 PM
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When I had my first child, I quit my job to stay at home and raise our son. Because of him being the only one working, he felt that he deserved to go to sleep on the couch after work,go with his friends on the weekend, and always leaving me with the baby even when I would take a shower. One day, I got fed up with his BS and walked out. Literally, I got my shoes on and went for a long walk, and visited my folks.
It felt great to get a breather on my own. Thereafter, we had a long talk on a Friday after his work, and we decided he was going to give me breaks every week.
His income, was OUR income. I gave up my career to stay at home to SAVE US money. Therefore, he needs to pay me for my services. Every Friday, he gave me a couple hundred here and there, and grocery money, as well as diaper money. He finally got the message.
Don't let your husband bully you. He is being selfish for not considering your needs first. Write a list of what you want to discuss with him. Whatever you do, don't argue with him. Walk away-it's a sign of maturity. |
| posted by esther on 11/23/2008 02:35 AM
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| YOU GO GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| posted by KIM on 11/23/2008 10:45 AM
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| I TOTTALLY agree with Esther. There is NO WAY I would let my husband make me feel or talk about me that way. As I have said in another group, I am a very opinionated person and do not always know when to keep my mouth shut, so I may not be the person to take advice from. I will quote Dr. Phil. "You teach people how to treat you." I worked from home and still quite work to raise our son. I was called and asked to start work again and I wanted to, my husband was the one that said no he would rather me not take the time from our son. But he was really bad with helping with our son and giving me breaks. I sat him down and let him have it. I yelled, cried, screamed, even threw some things. Of course this was in the garage after our son was asleep. But he got it finally. He works shift work and, for example, now if he is on 3-11 shift he will get up in the mornings with our son and let me sleep in. He lets me go to the store by myself, I get to go to bingo yeah lol. Maybe you should not throw things, but I agree, tell him like it is. He should be respecting you and you should tell him if you feel he is not. |
| posted by Kim on 11/24/2008 02:00 AM
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| We always have that discussion at least 3 or 4 xs a month.His exact words are you never do anything!!! I tell him I clean the house and take care of your monster children.Yes, well they help you clean.And if they dont help me clean and I do it; Ima shitty mom cause Im not making them be responsible.I told him you cant have it 2 fkg ways.I told him last night that I was tired of his bullshit and that if he was gonna call me lazy again then have the kids not do any housework and Ill do it all.I told him nothing is ever good enough for him.He always wants more.When I first got here he lost his job making 16.75 and got a job making 7.90.I got 2 jobs working 60 hrs between the both of them.I was making 9.00 at 1 and 8.00.He tells me that that isnt good enough and that I need to quit 1 and then go and get a 40 so that ill get 70 hrs a week and we 'll have enough to pay his bills that he and his x drummed up 57k.I told him he can go and get a 2nd job too he told me to fk off and that it was my job to bring the extra income not him.When I couldnt get ft at 1 of the jobs he told me to get out that I wasnt doing what I promised when he and I were talking on the phone before I got here.I told him I didnt drum up 57 fkg thousand dollars and stick it to him.For 2 yrs he blamed me for making him lose everything cause he had to finally go bankrupt.He kept saying that if hed never got w me hed had the money to pay all his debt off.Right fucker on 7.90 an hr.All his payments that she stuck him with was nearly 2 k a month.Now he is in jeopardy of losing his job and getting laid off.I told him; Ill go to work, but you are going to watch Lexi and clean the whole house.Im not gonna work all fkg day like when I got here and cook and clean.It isnt fkg fair.I was working 2 jobs and picking up his daughter from school and living off of 4 to 5 hrs a day of sleep.I told him Ill cook but thats it.He cant cook and wed die if he attempted it.Men takr advantage of us and the truth is that they couldnt do it or handle it on their own.They feel inferior so they have to down us to make themselves feel good about themselves.It sucks but its the truth.I tell him now he doesnt bother me and come up w new material, the old shit is getting old.I told him if he wants more money go and live w his x.Just think if God never would have made us women ;men woulda destroyed the earth their first few yrs.Oh wait, they did!!!! Maybe thats why God made women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| posted by Lexi on 11/24/2008 12:21 PM
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