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| I am a single mother of two. Have you ever been married to your daughter's father? I'm not sure how it works in other states, but I talked to my lawyer about custody when my oldest was a baby. She has her dad's last name, but he and I were never married. The lawyer told me that as long as we've never been married, I have custody of her and he doesn't. Even if he's paying child support. We've never set up any kind of custody deal either. |
| posted by Chels on 11/10/2008 09:18 PM
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| Child custody is different in all states. In california when my daughters dad took her and would not give her back the cops told me that because we did not have a court order then we both had custody of her. There was nothing that they could do until I got a court order. I did have a order through the child support agency that stated that I was the custodial partent but that did not matter. If your ex has distance his self from you two then be grateful. I do hope that you get your child support but be prepared if he doesn't pay it. My attorney told me to get a calander to keep track of everything regarding my child. I strongly suggest you do the same. Just write down everytime you two talk and what about, every visitation, pick and drop off times, when you get child support and how much and all dr appoints and note if he showed up or not. This will be a way of showing to the judge that he is not in your childs life often or at all to help you get sole custody. You might even want to make a sheet that you both sign each time he picks her up and drops her off. I have an ongoing, never ending battle right now that just gets wrose and wrose. So good luck on the whole thing. Sometimes I wish that he would just disappear. I rather have my daughter and not get child support then to continue to deal with his games. I really hope that it goes easy for you. |
| posted by Becky on 11/10/2008 10:48 PM
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| We have never been married -- which I have been hearing may be in my benefit. My daughter does have his last name, but for some reason I'm contemplating changing that once custody is determined and before she hits school age. I'm not counting on getting any money from him, I'll be lucky for that. I just mainly want my daughter to know that I'm trying everything to ensure she has everything she needs. I'm making it alright on my own for now and with my parents support it's a little easier. I've heard some people that when they went for child support in the state of Virginia that they were automatically given sole custody in the event the father has not been involved at all. I'm hoping that's my case...but with my luck who knows! If I have to go to court then I will -- I will do anything for her...anything. |
| posted by Erica on 11/11/2008 11:20 AM
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| I live in Virginia and had a horrible experience with my ex. We were married, but in the state of Virginia no parent has legal custody of their child until decided by a court (married or not). I finally left my ex two years ago and it was a horrible experience that I have a hard time even talking about. I was in courts or at the police department what seemed like everyday for months. I had to get protective orders for myself and my oldest son. I was pregnant at the time, so when my youngest son was born I got protective orders for him also. Eventually, I was granted sole legal and physical custody of my sons and their father was denied visitation and per court order not allowed to attempt to see them at all (for their safety and mine). Once he realized he had made fatal mistakes as a father and husband, he gave up. But, not without a price. He used his lawyer to bargain with my lawyer that he would give up his parental rights if I dropped the petition for child support. I knew that I would never have gotten a penny from him, so that was something I was willing to give up. He has sort of fallen off the face of the earth or so it seems. He hasn't tried to contact us or see them. I don't believe he wants to. So after two years, I am doing great on my own and for my children. I have been able to give them more than I ever imagined as a single mom. I will forever be happy with the decisions I made for what was in their best interest and mine as well. If you live in VA and would like to talk more, I would be happy to share my experiences with you. They may be able to help you and I might be able to recommend an attorney. |
| posted by Casey on 11/11/2008 04:22 PM
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| Thanks for the information Casey. I sure hope I don't have to go through a long drawn out legal process. But I am more than willing to go through it if necessary. One good thing is that her dad lives in another state and if he really wants to fight me about things he will have to travel here from N.C., which I highly doubt he'll do. He also knows he won't have a leg to stand on. He can't support my daughter and he doesn't even have is own place to live right now. I can't see a judge in their right mind allowing that to happen. He has plenty of skeletons in his closet that I will drag out if needed! He's had issues with his son who is 3 and right now he has supervised visitation with him. I don't know the whole story behind that, but I know I don't want him near my child. Once the child support order is in place -- then I will tackle custody. |
| posted by Erica on 11/11/2008 04:38 PM
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Hi Erica; I know everyone has different experiece with their Ex and I might be a rare case.....I have a 9 years old son, my Ex and I got divorce 4 years ago, he remarried 4 months later I was bitter and angry at him but everytime I looked at my son I tried to control my feelings, my separation and divorce was the MOST PAINFUL thing I have ever gone thru, but I realized my son needed his father I tried to be civil with him and polite, when it's about to my son I will do anythig for his overall well being.....I went to my son's parent teacher conference and got great news from his teacher, he said that my son is one of the happiest kids in the calssroom and said, "you parents must be doing something right", my ex was there too.
I felt so proud and made me realized all this sacrifiases are all worth it. If you can work with your ex to be involve in your child's life, it will be so worth it for your child (as long is not in any danger) I see it in my son.......Just my experience and opinion.:)......Good Luck!!! |
| posted by angie on 11/11/2008 07:20 PM
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Hi Erica; I know everyone has different experiece with their Ex and I might be a rare case.....I have a son my Ex and I got divorce 4 years ago, he remarried 4 months later I was bitter and angry at him but everytime I look at my son I tried to control my feelings, my separation and divorce was the MOST PAINFUL thing I have ever gone thru, but I realized my son needed his father I tried to be civil with him and polite, when it's about to my son I will do anythig for his overall well being.....I went to my son's parent teacher conference and got great news from his teacher, he said that my son is one of the happiest kids in the calssroom and said, "you parents must be doing something right", my ex was there too.
I felt so proud and made me realized all this sacrifiases are all worth it. If you can work with your ex to be involve in your child's life, it will be so worth it for your child (as long is not in any danger) I see it in my son.......Just my experience and opinion.:)......Good Luck!!! |
| posted by angie on 11/11/2008 07:20 PM
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Erica,
Time is the only thing that will end this pain you feel, you can't speed it along. Use this time to try and focus on yourself and your child. Try to remain on good terms with your and don't let him see you down. The reason I say remain on good terms because if you get tied up in court only the attorney's win. Everyone else loses. Courts of today are not quick to push father's out of the lives of children, they are moving more towards a both parents involved phylosophy, yet women still have the upper hand. If your ex make less than $20 and is the type of person that is unlikely to pay support anyway, you might be better off approaching him with a form that allows him to sign his rights away and be done. This would allow the rest person you fall in love with to love the child as their own without this feeing "step-parent" boundaries and ackwardness. Although everything depends on your situation. My x and I met in high school and started dating my senior year 1999. I dropped out of college went into the military reserves. Found out she was pregnant with twins in June of 01. Our daughters were born Nov 2001, parents of course didn't trust her had me get paternity test, and they are my children. We got married in of 03 and found out I was being deployed to Iraq in Dec 2003. In Nov 2004, she sounded distance, but it wasn't til I came home to an empty house in Feb 05, that I realize what had happened. She didn't want to let on that she had been sheing someone else because her funding would have been more limited to necessasities, but we had a joint bank account and she played the game until just before I came home and took off. Took me two weeks to find her with the help of the sherriff's office and an order from a judge for immediate change of custodity. Our court battle spanned over a year and a half, I spent six figures in attorney's fees. I have custodial custody of my daughters but we have joint medical, school decision (legal custody). Now my girls are 7 and I wish they had a descent mother type role model. Our bitter relationship at this stage only hurts our children. You will be hard pressed to find others that have been screwed over as bad as me, and three years later I'm telling you only time can fix it. |
| posted by Adam on 11/12/2008 02:31 AM
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| Adam -- it does sound like you went through it. I would love for her father to be involved, but he doesn't seem to care anymore. He ignores calls and text messages. I know the state he lives in, but he hasn't kept me informed about his address. He's mad that after our daughter was born I moved to be near my parents. We were in a long distance relationship to begin with and he wanted me to move to his home state and be a family. Except his idea of a family is for him to be able to come and go as he pleases without consequence. Also he had no residence of his own -- he was living on a friends couch. I told him that was no life for his child or for me. That any responsible parent would want their child raised in a secure enviornment. I can't support me, him and our child -- that was never in the cards. If he is unreachable and acts like we don't exist then so be it. I've offered to fly him to come and see his daughter numerous times and he says I'll have to think about it. What is there to think about? Either you want to see your child or you don't. I've said pick a good time to come and I'll arrange my schedule around you and still no response. I don't know what else to try. He would rather I drive with our infant daughter 7 hours and pay for a hotel to spend 2 days. He doesn't seem to understand that after $1,200 a month in daycare (with no help from him), I don't have the money to shell out for a hotel, gas, food out, etc. for 3 people. I don't know how many more messages I can leave or how many more doctor visits we will go to without him asking how our daughter is developing. I've tried being civil and cooperative and frankly I've bent over backwards to make things work. It's hard to work with a brick wall. |
| posted by Erica on 11/12/2008 01:53 PM
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