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Ok, here goes nothing! lol Its a long one.
I've been living with my mother for almost 9 months now, since I left my childrens father, and she is Driving me crazy!! Her and I do NOT get along at all. Anything one of us says, the other disagrees, and it ends in an argument about nothing.. I swear I spend more time discussing irrelevant topics with her and arguing than I do talking about anything meaningful. To me, (and I know this sounds terrible because Im talking about my mother, but you would have to know her to understand) I think she has a chemical imbalance. I dont think she thinks like normal people. For one she thinks she knows EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING regardless of what it is. And when she talks she always says she is trying to "teach" me something or "educate" me, neither of which I feel she can do, unless its about Taxes, cuz shes a tax preparer/book keeper. So, if I tell her I dont want to hear what she is saying, then Im being disrespectful. ( I also think she has control issues) and she always labels her statements by saying "First of all" and "second of all" etc.. which is sooooo annoying. But these things are minor compared to other issues we have.
I think she has OCD and she wants her house maintained a certain way and wants me to do things that i dont feel are reasonable to expect of me, when Im also trying to take care of 4 small children. She says that the things she asks me to do are things that I would have to do in my own house anyway, so she doesnt feel like my house will be clean...I may not be as clean as she is, but Im not nasty either, so I know my house will be clean, and I will get to the more detailed things when I get a chance.
Then she calls me names and lashes out ridiculously in front of my kids. She also calls my kids names, like Moron and stupid. Mind you they are 4, 3 and 2 (2yr old twins). She spoils my oldest b/c he is the best out of all of them, but then when he does something wrong she doesnt notice it or want to punish him the same way she would punish one of the other kids. I have serious issues w/ her b/c of the way she talks to me and my kids, and I really think something is wrong with her.. but now she is starting to blame her 'ailments' on me. She drinks every day, and says if me and my kids didnt live w/ her she wouldnt need to drink. She says she has to drink to relax. Shes also been telling me that Im killing her. She doesnt have medical insurance so she cant really be diagnosed and get medication for anything, but she says she has high blood pressure, arthritis, IBS, she gets headaches a lot, (I do too) and I think she has incontinence b/c if she gets really angry or if she coughs sometimes she'll pee on herself.
I have a lot of issues with other things too (her using my name to order things, using my credit..) but I love my mother to death and dont know how I would have made it without her. She has always been there for me, but I have such animosity towards her for all the negative shes done.
There's light at the end of the tunnel b/c Im moving out to my own place in December... but I dont know how to make our relationship better. |
| Posted by Amy on 11/06/2008 11:02 AM
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wow, hang in there! December will be her before you know it. I'm glad you're getting out of that situation because name calling no matter how old is and can be damaging to anyone's self esteem. Not to mention being a mother and hearing someone call your child a name! I would be fighting with my mother if that were her and I would definatly start resenting her the longer i was in her home. Hearing how you still love your mom and are trying to cope with it says alot about the mother you are and how strong you are! You're the adult in this situation because is she were she would realize the arguing and name calling in front of the children can't be justified. This is a long shot but is there something just u and your mom can do together without the kids? It wont be easy to fix what's already happened but it'll get you on the road to mending your relationship. Yoga perhaps? It sounds to me like you both could you an outlet to relieve the stress you may both the storing inside. Her with the drinking and her excuses why she does it (daily?) and to also help you relieve the anxiety and stress your living enviroment and mother can be causing. Sorry but it sounds to me like your mother has some other issues with herself, NOT you or your kids. Unfortunatly your mom feels most comfortable with you and your kids and we tend to dump on our closest the most. I have a motto I live by daily (and with two kids 18m apart it's helped me keep my sanity) ok, here it goes. "HOUR BY HOUR" take it one hour at a time, not day by day as most people live but hour by hour. I've been reading a book called "Scream free parenting" by Hal Edward Runkel and what's it's made me aware of is that we are all trying to control the situation, the kids, the home everything. Most things are out of our control. What we can control is the way that we react to those situations. Wow, knowing this I've caught myself several times almost freaking out about something my 2yr old has dont but instead I close my eyes for 3 seconds and breathe, and realize I cannot control what just happened but I can control the outcome.
Hang in there! You are an inspiration to me because we all have mothers who drive us crazy but my relationship with my mom just got a whole lot simplier when compared to yours. I just hope your kids will not have any lasting effects of your mother's influenence. good luck- remember december is only the next page away on a calender. |
| posted by Yoni on 11/06/2008 12:09 PM
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Thanks for your comments. I know its going to be a lot better for me when I get my own space, and dont have her breathing down my neck. :)
As for us doing anything together, I wouldnt really want to, because she always wants to 'talk' about 'our' issues, and it ends in another pointless argument. And even if we dont dicuss our problems, we would end up fighting over something else we are doing while we are together. We cannot speak w/out arguing w/ eachother. I think she nit picks what I say just to find flaws in it, and say that Im a liar or switch my words around and say I said something that I didnt. I just wish she were more normal. Fortunately we are moving an hour away, so I wont have to see her a lot, but she calls constantly. And if I dont answer the phone she leaves messages saying "I dont know why you cant answer the phone..blah blah" Um, hello!! I have 4 kids to tend to!!
IDK. Im just glad its almost over.
p.s Thanks for the book reference. I will definitely look into getting that book! |
| posted by Amy on 11/06/2008 12:23 PM
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| Misses my mom.Wishes she lived in this state to argue with. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/06/2008 03:09 PM
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Amy, I give you a lot of credit for dealing with your mother & the things she does. All I can say is, thank goodness for december! Your mom could definitely use some help for herself, because daily alcohol use is never anyone's fault but the person doing it. I am sure the alcohol is also the reason for her verbal assaults on you & the kids (which are unacceptable, by the way).
I understand how hard it can be to deal with being a grown woman in your mothers house. I was in the same situation with my mother after my son James was born. I lived there for 3 yrs and our relationship deteriorated during that time. Once I moved out & we had our own space, it has been much better. Hopefully that will be the case for you and your mom too. Good luck! |
| posted by Katie on 11/06/2008 03:11 PM
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| I am not an expert on making a relationship better but I can tell you what you are going through is very common when a couple breaks up and you have to move back with your parents.. for a long time I had to live with my dad to get back on my feet after a divorce.. My mom died in 99... I hated living there.. i felt trapped .. My father wasnt the reason for my unhappiness.. it was the situation I was in with my life and child.... Patience is all i can tell you as advice.. I have learn to let things go to my higher power.. God in my case.. others may find another form of higher power....When I let things finally go I wound up being in a better place.. I no longer live with my dad.. I am also remarried.. Moved to another state and had another child.... it gets better when you dont focus on it so much... |
| posted by ellen on 11/06/2008 06:00 PM
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| ok,here goes~you're mom needs help. if she's so smart why does she call little children names ? |
| posted by KIM on 11/06/2008 08:11 PM
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Amy, I have to agree with what others are saying. I have been in and out of my moms house since before i was 18 all because if i didn't do something that she wanted she would kick me out. The last time she did that she not only kicked me to the street but she did it to my daughter as well. because of that my daughters dad took her and refussed to ket me have any contact with her. that only lasted a week because I took him to court to get her back. Once my dad knew what happened he told my mom to get over herself and
i moved back in within a few days. Dont get me wrong my mom does do a lot of things for as well. But one thing is for sure we cannot live together. Everytime we do we end up fighting over something little. When I did move out the last time( for almost 2 yrs now) she missed seeing my daughter everyday like before. Now she only sees us once a week. I have another child now and my mom watches him everyday so I can work but its my fiance that goes over there not me. I have faith that once you move out and you are not there for her to see every day things will get better. It will take awhile but they will be better in the long run. She will realize that she misses you and your kids there. Just hang in there. |
| posted by Becky on 11/06/2008 09:11 PM
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I just wanted to thank everyone for your responses. I am sooo looking forward to moving and having my own space. We will be an hour away and my mother wont just drop by whenever she feels like it (hopefully) so we will definitely have space between us. Im really excited for the move, and I know she will miss us when we're gone. Shes been needing a new job and she found one that she'll start in Jan, and its like 12 hrs a day, so I guess that will occupy her time.
Thanks again! |
| posted by Amy on 11/07/2008 01:12 PM
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| This may be way of the mark but have you considered that your mother may be an alcoholic? The reason I ask is because I work professionally with alcoholics and have personal experience with them as well and by some of the things you say she has done and said, they are hallmark signs of alcoholism. Maybe contact your local al-anon group to get some help for you, then you can get help for her. Just a suggestion. |
| posted by Katie on 11/09/2008 10:26 AM
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Why would I need help from al-anon??
And I have told her that she is an alcoholic (it runs in her family) but she doesnt think she is. Cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. |
| posted by Amy on 11/09/2008 02:49 PM
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| For some reason there is an AA that helps the familes live with the ppl that have the disease.A few ppl have told me that they mandatory had to go even tho they were the alcoholics.Its a programs that helps you see the disease for what it really is and how it affects the family as a whole. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/10/2008 01:01 PM
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My father was an alcoholic for a long time but when he finally sobered up it did not affect my mother like it should have. I believe that my mother was very angry with my father about the alcoholism and the way he treated her and us. That was 15 years ago. My mother started to go to al-anon about 5 years ago and the change in her is dramatic. She understands why my dad did the things he did and is no longer angry or resentful of him.
The reason I suggested it for you is because it may help to be around people who know what you are going through and they may be able to help you get help for your mother. Just a suggestion |
| posted by Katie on 11/16/2008 10:32 AM
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