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| Single Parents |
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| My son's father does drugs and deals and all that and it was cute until i found out i was pregnant. Once that happened everything had to change. he didn't even have a real job. So when i was 3 months pregnant i left him and because i left him he accused me of cheating and all kinds of stuff, God, he would say the meanest things ive ever heard to me. And i was pregnant! What kind of real man would treat a pregnant woman like that?? Not to mention i had a real hard pregnancy. I got Lyme disease when i was 14 weeks pregnant, i get getting synus infections that would really knock me down and i was horribly ill for the first 6 months of the pregnancy, not to mention i was retaining so much fluid and i gained 63 pounds (all my life i had been super skinny and obsessed with being super skinny). And one more thing was that i work as a nursing assistant and i worked almost right up until i went into labor a month too soon. Anyway, after the baby was born he constantly harrassed me saying i was a horrible person not letting him see his son and all. im sorry. i have more dignity then that. i told him he haad to go through the court systems before he can claim his son. Besides, honostly, i dont need his money. The only problem is, now, that im finally think im ready to start dating again (my son is almost a year old) its hard for me to meet someone decent enough now that i have a son to think about. Anybody feel the same way?? |
| Posted by Ashlee on 10/25/2008 10:06 AM
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| I was in an almost identical situation and also left at the beginning of my pregnancy after taking a lot of emotional and physical abuse. First of all I want to say...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! As far as dating goes...just keep looking, there are some really good guys out there...you just have to start looking in new places and looking for different qualities in a man. Before I met my new man I thought that having a kid and being a single mom would mean the end of relationships for me...but it wasn't. We even met when I was 6 months pregnant and have been together for almost 2 years now and are talking a lot about marriage and having kids. In my mind it takes a real man to accept a woman in thes type of situation and stick by her because it's hard as hell to raise a child on your own. Men will respect you a lot more now too since you did the right thing and got the hell out of there in order to give your son a better life. And dont just settle for anyone...and be completely honest with guys from the start. We have been honest from the start and it has really helped...I made sure that he knew from day 1 that I wasn't looking for a replacement dad or anything like that and he REALLY appreciated that because he has never felt pressured to act like a father figure to my son or has never had to second guess our relationship or my agenda. He knows that I am in it for a partner for myself, not a new baby-daddy and that no matter what, my son will ALWAYS come first. This took a lot of stress out of the relationship and now he knows that if he wants to step in as my son's father he can as long as it's forever...(we are married.) I dont want my son to call him dad or anything like that unless we are married and he says it is ok because that would be too confusing otherwise. My son will know that he is his step-father and he will know the truth about his biological father once he is old enough to understand. Just hang in there okay...I honestly thought that there were no good guys out there anymore...but there truly are. Don't give up or be too hard on yourself....and certainly dont go back to your ex...your son deserves sooo much better than that. |
| posted by Julie on 10/25/2008 10:53 AM
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| I completely understand!! My son's father was verbally and physically abusive. Needless to say I have been single for almost a year and now we are going through some court issues to extend the order of protection on him...but I am confident that he is going to attempt to take me to court for custody. He wont get it, but he can waste his parents money and try! hahaa. As for dating...gosh...I have dated a few times, but honestly was not ready. I know until court calms down I wont be ready to date. But like you it is hard, I am WAY harsh on things...and I should be because I don't want to put my son in an abusive situation again. I don't even know where to meet people?! I live in Chicago...and there are people everywhere! I just haven't met any. booo. Maybe once I loose weight. I know when the time is right it will happen...but I dont want to be 50!! hahaha!! |
| posted by Elise on 10/25/2008 11:42 AM
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| I feel the same way. My daughter's father is a drug addict (although he claims he's currently clean) and incredibly verbally abusive towards me. Still to this day my confidence is shot. He got sent back to prison when I was 5 months pregnant and my daughter is now 18 months old. I have friends offering to set me up with people and I just don't feel ready to get involved with anyone but I don't have any real close friends so the adult connection would be nice! I just think that it would take away from my daughter which is exactly what I don't want to do. I have spent most of my teenage/adult life struggling in a relationship and I think I just need a break. At this point I think we would be happier alone. I can't get my daughter's father to sign the papers to terminate his rights so he still stresses me out. He won't send us a dime and I haven't gone after him for child support because I don't want to fight him in court for visitation. As of now he leaves her alone. I can't see getting involved with someone else until I can get him out of my life...which at this point will be about 16.5 years! |
| posted by Abbey on 10/25/2008 05:12 PM
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Hi. I also want to say you did the right thing. I got pregnant with my daughter after I divorced her dad. He kept telling me that he would change everytime we would get in a fight to where he would verbally or physically abuse me. Luckily when I was pregnant he did stop that. Whe she was 3 mo old I kicked him out for choseing his job over his family. All we did do when he was home was fight if he was even awake. When I left him I thought that I would never find someone that would accept the fact that I had a kid that came first no matter what. I also didnt think that I would find anyone that was good enough for me to even introduce to my daughter So I started to just hang out with friends as longs as I had a babysitter. I met many guys when we would go out and all of them were to immature to be included in my family. One day I gave up and but the thought in my head that I would never be able to find someone and I needed to accept that. Then I met my fiance hanging outside my best friends house. He was her neighbor/nannys son. Because of my mind set it took a few months of getting to know each other for me to say ok to dating him. He was always around my daughter since his mom became my nany as well.
My advice to you is when you do start going out again, go with friends only first. Dont look for another guy becuase the day that you stop looking for him is the day that he will appear. And he will be decent and worthy enough for you to bring into your family. |
| posted by Becky on 10/27/2008 11:38 PM
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| posted by April on 10/29/2008 01:10 AM
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April,
I go through being the baby's momma from hell everyday according to my ex. Considering he is mad at something and taking it out on me right now. He even just asked if I was drunk since for the first time in a long time I went off on him. Usually I just let things slide until I can get some info about something serious enough that child services and the judge will act apon. I strongly sugest that you start the custody orders through court. I thought that I didn't need to since we were getting along and coming up to an agreement on our own. That was until he got a new girlfriend. He decided to take her one weekend we agreed upon and he decided not to bring her back. I went as far as going to the police station to have them help me. But since I didn't have court orders they wouldn't do anything. So I called his mom and she got him to bring her home. I started the process of having papers drawn up but then never followed through with it. Since we were getting along, one weekend I asked him to take her for an extra weekend and he decided not to bring her home again. He would not talk to me, let me know she was ok or even let me talk to her. The only way I was able to get her back was to get an attorney and take hime to court for an emergency hearing. Now I have papers for when he tries to pull his crap in regards to visitation and child support. He hates it. I have tried to come up to agreements that are not on the order and he goes for it at first. Once he gets mad for whatever reason, mainly because he doesn't get his way, he starts crap with me and I have to go straight back to the orders. I have had to call the cops on him for not bringing her home one time and he has never done that again. It is always nice to have those court orders to fall back on. You dont have to go by them as longs as you two agree on it. I strongly recomend that you get them though. You do not want to go through what I had to. |
| posted by Becky on 10/29/2008 01:45 AM
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| posted by April on 10/29/2008 01:55 AM
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| I know that since his name is not on the birth certificate he has no rights until he can prove that your daughter is indeed his. I am sorry I was unaware that his name was not on it. I just assumed it was. I am sorry for that. I dont know where you live, but in california he will have to take you to court for a paternity order. This will order the three of you to take a dna test. If it comes back proving that the child is his then he will have rights given to him by the courts. If you want to try to talk him out of it a good way of doing so is telling him how much it will cost. In california a dna test that will stand up in court will cost you $300+ per person. Plus the cost of having someone file out the papers, even if you dont get an attorney. An attorney will cost more unless you can get a state appointent one. Then there will also be the $250+ court filling fee. If your ex is one that does not have much money or does not like to spend much money this might be something that will get him to stop persueing it. But if he doesn't care about money then just be ready for it. If you go to court you can request a state appointed attorney that will cost you way less if at all to represent you. I know that I could not do any of it without one. but that is just me |
| posted by Becky on 10/29/2008 02:11 AM
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| posted by April on 10/29/2008 03:34 PM
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