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| i just had an aruguement with mine about that. last night i had to catch an attitude for him to even touch me but after i had to go through all that i didnt even want to have sex . so i know what you mean. |
| posted by dionne on 10/21/2008 12:06 PM
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| Glad I am not the only one! Don't know what to do about it, but just go on with my life. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/21/2008 12:16 PM
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| Just curious.. How long have you been married? |
| posted by Jennifer on 10/21/2008 04:22 PM
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| Been married for 13yrs and together for 18yrs. But, shouldn't your husband love you for you and not the way you look.. Beauty is only skin deep! He has put on weight, but I am still attracted to him!! He looks better with weight on him anyway, I think! He is just as sexy as he use to be too me!. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/21/2008 05:24 PM
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| Over the years we all put on weight. I sure have and my husband has as well. We have been together for 7 years. We still have sex as much as we use to. |
| posted by Jennifer on 10/21/2008 08:29 PM
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| So are we talking like a couple of months? That can easily happen in a marriage or even a relationship that has last over a long time. Have you initiated it and if so what happens? What do you do about it? Sorry I can't help, so not my problem. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/21/2008 10:49 PM
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you are definitely not alone... I gained weight. got into the Pjs and tee shirt look most of the time because of food spitting and constantly cleaning up diapers.. figured it was easier to stay in lounge mode to not worry about dirty clothes.. anyway, I haved stopped wearing makeup too because I am up all hours through the nite taking care of my son... we spoke about our problems... made an effort to do something about it from time to time when we arent to tired and we argue about it often... comments like you dont dress pretty for me, how can i get in the mood have come to the playing table.. talk about hurt....
I wish I had the answer for you.. seems like it is up to us ladies to take control of the situation by prepping... I oftnr think about it then become preoccpied...
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| posted by ellen on 10/21/2008 11:15 PM
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| Not a lot more than just a few months! When I ask too or try to have sex I just get turned down.. After a while you just stop trying because you get rejected and it is upsetting and hurtful too me. What do I do about it? What do you think, the only thing I can do! I am my best friend! |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/22/2008 09:18 AM
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| I would ask him what is going on |
| posted by Jennifer on 10/22/2008 10:04 AM
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| I have, he just says he doesn't want too. and just doesn't have the drive too. I have told him to go to the Dr. then, but he won't he is a man! |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/22/2008 10:34 AM
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How old is he?
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| posted by Jennifer on 10/22/2008 12:42 PM
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| He is only 36 yrs old. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/22/2008 01:24 PM
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| 36 years old and doesn't have the drive? Not trying to step on toes but are you sure he is not getting something from somewhere else? As he gets older it is not going to get better and soon (if you are near his age) you will be in the prime of your sex life. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/22/2008 04:27 PM
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| Positive he isn't getting it from somewhere else. He doesn't have the time and when he would have the time he is with our daughter at our friends house. And they would tell me! He has had a low sex drive ever since we got together, but now it is to nothing. When dating it was almost everyday for the first couple of months but that was way long time ago, in high school/college. Plus, he is on depression medicine. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/22/2008 04:43 PM
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Maybe it has something to do with why he's on the depression meds? Or maybe it's a side-effect of those meds? It might be worth asking the Doc about.
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| posted by Bethany on 10/22/2008 05:55 PM
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| I hope that is the case. My ex spent every Friday night spending the night at his friend from high school house. He even took his son with him.What I didn't know was after his son went to bed he was with another girl and his friend was covering for him. It was actually his friend's wife's friend. She and I didn't get along that well. I guess I should have figured it out sooner. He was always wanting to be there and not at home with me. Guess i'm a little slow. Do you think it from the depression or the medications. I would discuss that with your doctor or pharmacist. I'm sure there are other things to try if that is the case. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/22/2008 06:10 PM
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My own personal opinion is it's the medication! Medication can have a big effect on your sexual desire. Also take into consideration why he is on the medication. Depression plays a big role itself.
I would talk to your doctor about it. Get his/her opinion or research it online. See if there is something you can find out on your own seeing that your husband isn't willing to try himself. I think if any man goes long enough they will eventually want it. And please don't be hard on yourself as far as the weight gain. You cannot tell me one woman out there that hasn't carried around some of her baby weight after giving birth. The ones that get rid of it very quickly are the ones that still have time to workout. I don't know about you but with two kids 18 months apart, I don't have time to even sit and read a book because by 9pm I'm exhausted and ready for bed. The last thing I want to do is work out eventhough it would probably be the best thing to do. Instead I just watch what I eat and try to make an effort not to snack.
If your husband is going through a depression right now then it's something he has to work out on his own. It's not anything you should or shouldn't be doing. :) |
| posted by Kristen on 10/22/2008 09:35 PM
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| well i know how u feel.i am married to a man just like urs.we only have sex when he wants it and he doesnt want it to often cause i know hes cheating cause ive caught him talking to women on the phone and also his 13 year old kid told me she met one of the women while i was in tennesee visiting.so go figure.im in a screwed up marriage. |
| posted by angie on 10/23/2008 01:46 AM
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| My son woke me up from a sound sleep. Now I can't back to sleep so I was just going through some old e-mails that I had not had a chance to respond to until now. I came across your question about your sex life. I just wanted to say that having a child is a life changing experience as you well know. So maybe your hubby is overwhelmed exhausted, etc... from being a hubby and a daddy now. You also said he put on weight wich can contribute to not having enough energy when the day is over. I have the opposite problem and my husband thinks I am not attracted to him but I am and love him very much. However I am exhausted and also I gained wieght and I don't feel attractive enough I don't know if men go through something similiar as they get older. I just wanted to say that I am sure your husband loves you, he had a child with you. I am also sure he is a smart man and every man and women know that after you have a baby the womens body never looks exactly the same. Hang in there I am sure he will come around. Maybe if you can find someone you trust to watch your kids a coulpe of nights so the both of you can get away that might do the trick. I am sure he is not getting it from anywhere else as one writer wrote. You would have signs telling you of this if this was the case, just because you haven't had sex in while doesn't mean he is cheating. |
| posted by Ann on 10/23/2008 03:38 AM
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| Men are very visual creatures. Have you tried dressing up in a teddy or some sexy and provocative outfit? Maybe go to a sex store and pick up a few things that you might like. Hope this helps! Good luck. |
| posted by Pam on 10/23/2008 09:44 AM
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| Remember I gained weight! Don't think that visual would be appealing. Though, we got movies and such but, he still doesn't want too. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/23/2008 11:55 AM
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How much weight have you gained? Have you thought about losing it? Maybe try asking your husband what would turn him on... if its a slimmer, healthier, vibrant you... work hard to get there and you and him will feel much better!
If my hubby stopped brushing his teeth, or had ratty hair or something... I'd still "love him" but wouldn't want to roll around with him anymore... I know he appreciates me working toward being attractive for him, I've gained weight too with a 2 yr old and 6 mo. old but I do what I can to still be his "cute wife" |
| posted by Candice on 10/23/2008 03:44 PM
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| Remember men don't seem to see all our flaws like we see them. I know everytime after I have a baby I feel all disgusting with all that extra fat and fluid but some how my husband sees that as beautiful. He's crazy! Have you told him that you need it and want to feel close to him. I mean really sit down with him and let him know your wants and needs. This seems to work better with my DH on issues instead of just talking in passing. To him that is being "nagging" and he totally just zones me out |
| posted by Jessica on 10/24/2008 08:25 AM
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| What is sex? I'm not sure I even remember... |
| posted by Bonnie on 10/24/2008 09:17 PM
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| i agree with you bonnie... |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/25/2008 03:47 PM
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| me and my husband are toooo bussy to. not very often either but we both deal with it. |
| posted by teresa on 10/25/2008 08:25 PM
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| thats just awful! how can you not have sex?!?! thats the funnest part of marriage! i feel bad for you and your husbands. :( i wouldnt wish that on anyone!!!!! |
| posted by Candice on 10/25/2008 10:40 PM
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| Gee...now I feel even better about the situation. Let me wave my magic wand and make everything better. lol |
| posted by Bonnie on 10/25/2008 11:46 PM
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Its been like that with me and my hubby also.. We have actually been months without sex also.. So Im in the same boat as you.. I know how you feel girl!
Ericka
www.healthrepsneeded.com |
| posted by Ericka on 10/26/2008 09:06 AM
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| guess I started a good conversation!! Glad I am not the only one out there. Thanks everyone! |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/26/2008 10:43 AM
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| This is why i think that men should be barred from the delivery room. After they see what happens down there and they see a child born, its no wonder they don't want to have sex. My son is 8 months old and i HAVE lost ALL the weight. i am right back to pre baby weight. But we are still NOT having sex either. I have tried sexy nighties...not nighties...anything. sometimes i am in the mood durring the day when he is home. So after i put my son down for a nap, i'll come out and whisper something in his ear....nothing!! I had to break down crying infront of him after one of the time he turned me dow. your right, you can only get turned down so meny times before you stop trying. My husband is only 31 and we used to have sex all the time ( thats how we got pregnant 2 weeks after we were married). But now nothing. I just don't know. |
| posted by Brenda on 10/26/2008 01:18 PM
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Brenda,
first off let me say that is the cutest pumpkin picture ever! Too cute.. Then, let me say I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. I totally understand. After my first child I lost all the weight also, but we still had sex but, I was the one who had to ask for it. Then, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, and gained more weight. Then, I had to beg and talk him into having another baby.. So, we got pregnant that first time trying. And then after that we haven't had sex! My son is 2 1/2 yrs old.!!! |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/27/2008 09:23 AM
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| So you haven't had sex since you conceived him or since he was born? Either way that is a long time for anyone even if you have a low sex drive? Have you done anything to try and turn him on or even asked why? Maybe it is something physcial with him and has nothing to do with you at all and he is just embarrassed to tell anyone. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/27/2008 09:52 AM
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| since he was concieved! And he won't even let me try anything to turn him on. And if I ask why he just says he just doesn't want too.. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/27/2008 10:03 AM
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| Have you told him that you need it and want to be with him. It's not like it is everyday just maybe once a month. Women have to do that all the time. This is the same situation just turned around. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/27/2008 10:27 AM
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| Suzanne, Thank you about the cute picture comment. I love taking pictures of him. I wish i knew what to say. If i did...i would tell myself :-) It just seems like such a huge problem that has obiously affected numerous people (just look at all the responces). Maybe we sould all contact the dr, Phil Show :-) I wish i knew how to fix it. Nothing hurts more than a husband who doesn't want to touch you...i know. Keep your head up. We are all in this together!!! |
| posted by Brenda on 10/27/2008 11:22 AM
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| The last time you had sex with your husband was 2 and a half years ago? |
| posted by Jennifer on 10/27/2008 01:23 PM
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| No, she said since concieved so that would be almost 3.5 years ago. Is it even an issue any more or have you just given up. Men unlike women have to..how do I put it ..relieve themselves. Do you know if he does anything like that? Maybe if he isn't then there really is something health wise wrong with him. I would be concerned that he could have a underlying issue like with his heart or something else. Hope you find some answers. What do you do? Man, I think I would have found a "friend" by now. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/27/2008 01:30 PM
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| Yes, he does releave himself. He takes long showers as most men do.. Don't have the time to find a "friend". Plus, I don't go anywhere to ever find one. I always have kids with me. I go to the grocery store and that is about it. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/27/2008 02:20 PM
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You should go on Oprah, cause my mouth has hit the floor ever since this post started! I had no idea it was "common" for women to not have sex with their hubbys. This is absolutely mind boggling.
Hey, if you make the show you'll get a nice trip out of it and hopefully some answers!!!
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| posted by Candice on 10/27/2008 02:46 PM
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| . |
| posted by Candice on 10/27/2008 02:47 PM
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| . |
| posted by Candice on 10/27/2008 02:47 PM
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| Have you thought about jumping in that shower with him. Just put a movie in for the kid. |
| posted by Jessica on 10/27/2008 03:02 PM
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| ive started putting the moves on my husband and its working now.he really enjoys me being in control..now we might think im pregnate.cause i have not had a period in over a month.so now im really thinking its gonna change now cause ill be getting fatter.so i dont know what to do now. |
| posted by angie on 10/27/2008 03:20 PM
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| ;) |
| posted by April on 10/27/2008 03:59 PM
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| ;) |
| posted by April on 10/27/2008 04:16 PM
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So my husband and I have read everyone's advice to you and maybe from a man's perspective you might get a different look into things.
First off, he thinks everyone's comments are correct. It could be a health issue on his part that he's not telling you about, he could be cheating or having a secret life elsewhere, he could be afraid to get you pregnant again, it could be PTSD from the delivery room, it might just be because you let yourself go and he never saw you like that before or imagined you ever getting that way. The reason's are endless.
My husband says that if he was in your husband's shoes, he would want you to sit him down and talk to him about it. If he continues to say, "I just don't want to." Then some form of counseling is needed because that is not a reason to give your wife/mother of your kids.
My husband recommends that you might need to invest in a "friend" (that needs batteries) to get you through your times of need.
I think if your husband sees you with your "friend" (that needs batteries) he just might get turned on or jealous. If the first of the two happens, my husband was glad to help. If the latter happens tell your husband you are going to keep using your "friend" (that needs batteries) until he either opens up or breaks down and starts having sex with you.
Hope this helps. Good luck to you. Sometimes us women need a little more than just the porn to get a man going. You need to be more aggressive and not be the meek one in the relationship. You might be surprised to see what it will get you....=) |
| posted by Glasel on 10/28/2008 01:17 AM
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| I also read this post with my husband just to see his thoughts. He was amazed about how common this was. He thinks he is neglected if it has been over a week! I myself, could go about 2 weeks before I'm in the mood but I've also got kids to chase around and work outside the house. Anyway, we discussed all of the comments and agree with the post above. If it has been over 3 years and you know he is "taking care of his business" in the shower then are you sure he doesn't have some kind of life going on outside of the house? You state that he doesn't have time but all men can make time. You know at lunch, home 30 minutes late but you just don't know they left work early, gone on the weekend with "friends". I also agree that you need to get a "friend" to see if that gets him in the mood or makes him jealous. If it doesn't then I would really start looking into what he is doing when he is not at home. Have you looked at your phone bills and bank transactions. Your really need to figure out what is going on. This has gone on for too long. You only get one shot in the life so you can just settle. |
| posted by Tara on 10/28/2008 08:20 AM
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Hi ladies, I know how some of you feel. Before I got pregnant with my 5 year old daughter I was about 130 pounds. I was athletic, sexy, and had a great sex drive. My hubby and I would have sex every single waking moment that we were home. Before work, after work, there were times that we would be having dinner and just look at eachother and wammy we were doing it before we had finished our salads. LOL. But then I got pregnant, it was bound to happen with all the sex that we had. We had sex a total of maybe five times while I was pregnant. I would make excuses about hurting the baby if we did, he would just laugh and say she is protected in there. He found me even more attractive when I was pregnant because he was trying every five minutes to have sex. I ended up weighing in over 200 pounds when I gave birth. After that for about a year there was really little sex, maybe once every two months. Then I got pregnant with my son. Who just turned 3. And I have to say, even though I was constantly sick with him. I would get dizzy, puke, black out, my blood pressure was through the roof. I was bad off durring that pregnancy, but the one thing that never skipped a beat was my sex drive, that just went off the charts. Once he was born it was back down again. I talked to my step mom (she is all about how sex is free with your hubby and it's the curer for everything lol) and asked her what I should do because I wanted to have sex but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that my hubby wanted it because he was still all over me. Regaurdless of all the weight that I put on he still wanted to. My step mom told me to connect with my hubby on a different level. She said that maybe we just lost touch with eachother. So she would take the kids for us on the weekends and I would just start to go back to watching football with him, he would watch movies with me. We would have the time to play a game on the weekends if we wanted. Let me tell you something, it's back and better than ever! For about two years now we have had the greatest sex life. Not as often as we were before kids but we now make a note that at least once a week we have sex. We have it more than that. But we have set our standards to once a week. We bought a few games and made our own rules with it. We have fun. We got some cards with different positions on it. LOL. Yeah right some of those positions would put one of us in the er for a while. So we just pick out a few a week and we give them a try. We really have gotten it back. And I have noticed a big difference in the kids since then also. Because we don't fight as much the kids don't seem to be as needy or emtional. I noticed that after a fight one of the kids would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Sometimes they would act out durring the day. Now, they may not be the perfect little angels that we all so hope for once we hold them the first time, but they don't act out and don't wake up at 2am with night mares.
So what I am trying to say is try to connect with him on a whole new level. Everyone says its weight. Yeah I could see it. But if it's love, not lust or puppy love but real love, the hold your hair while you barf or bring you tp while your going to the bathroom love then it doesn't matter. It's most likely a misfire on a different connection. Thats my opinion.
My husband tells me that I look so afawl when I wear makeup or try to dress up, he says that he knows thats not me and he doesn't want me to be something that I'm not just for him. He once told me that he thinks that I am the sexiest when I first get out of bed. He also says that the perefect me for him is when I'm in my jeans and sweat shirts putting away the dishes or cleaning the bathroom, because thats me and my life. He tells me that the only thing he would change about me is the fact that I don't sleep naked. LOL.
I sure hope this helps. Good luck ladies. And don't forget to smile because no matter what your all beautiful because you are a mother and a mother is the most beautiful thing that anyone woman could ever be. (my hubby taught me that)
:) |
| posted by Carrie on 10/28/2008 09:17 AM
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| I have a "friend" with batteries! He bought it for me!!! |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/28/2008 09:19 AM
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| If it has been years with no excuse and he also bought you a vibrator then you really need to start doing some investigating to see if he has a girlfriend or boyfriend. Seriously that is crazy! It is so much more than a weight issue. |
| posted by Tara on 10/28/2008 09:37 AM
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| So where is a good place to get a "friend" with batteries? Maybe my hubby could help me in that area. |
| posted by Bonnie on 10/28/2008 01:15 PM
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Try www.pureromance.com and while your there pick up some Basic Instinct it's a sex attactant and man it works. Just use a little, put it on like you do your purfume and he will be all about you no matter what. I made the mistake of using to much and my hubby was all over me before I could even say a word. It's pheramons or something like that. It works with your own sent that you put off and makes the men go crazy.
My step mom used to sell Pure Romance. They have got some great toys. A little pricy but great. You could also try www.xandria.com , they also have some great things too.
Good luck. Hope this helps. :) |
| posted by Carrie on 10/28/2008 01:29 PM
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| We got a "friend" on the way to Waco, called Love's video! But, Austin has plenty of places or you can order things online!! |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/28/2008 02:07 PM
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| want to try that perfume!! Thanks......... Let you know if it works.. |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/28/2008 02:08 PM
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Suzanne,
I just want to say that I think the medicine could really be part of it AND the fact that HE has gained weight. First the medicine, my ex took anti-depressants and he was aware of the problem it caused, sometimes he couldn't even get an erection and other times he would just go limp right in the middle, talk about feeling like crap! Read up on the side affects of that medicine, you may have something there.
THe weight gain thing, I've gained weight over the last year and i'm usually the first one ripping off clothes and doing it anywhere you're not suppose to do it, but now I never feel like it cuz i'm uncomfortable with myself,maybe your husband feels the same way, maybe you guys could try walking together everyday.
AND, one last thing, I think whoever said that having children is life changing and exhausting could have something to do with it may be onto something to. It could be a combination of all of the above and more..... I really hope you guys work it out! |
| posted by Crystal on 10/29/2008 02:08 AM
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I did have this issue with my husband as well shortly after our second child. But I figured out that the more I pressured him and discussed it and it became an argument it made it that much harder for the both of us. I would feel as if he would do it or come close to doing it for me out of quilt. But give it time and focus on yourself. You don't want to seem needy to him because that will turn him away. Give it time not to care and you will see the huge difference it makes.
Good luck. |
| posted by Tami on 10/29/2008 10:06 AM
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Suzanne,
So have you tried anything yet or talked to him? I have a friend that is trying to change things in her marriage. The sex is fine but just other things. She started doing that Love Dare book from the movie Fireproof (not trying to start a debate). She has been doing it for 2 weeks now and getting major changes in her relationship. Good Luck~ |
| posted by Jessica on 10/29/2008 02:08 PM
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| a friend in our mom's group had that book ready for me.. she forgot it today at the playgroup but she is going to give it to me next week.. but, too cool that we are thinking of the same book and stuff.. wish me luck |
| posted by Suzanne on 10/29/2008 03:37 PM
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| Good luck Suzanne. We hope all goes well. |
| posted by Glasel on 10/29/2008 08:26 PM
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Suzanne,
Did you start the book? Are you getting any "results"? Good Luck! |
| posted by Jessica on 11/07/2008 07:31 AM
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| No haven't gotten it yet.. Been missing in action, I have been on pain killers for a pinched nerve all week, and my truck is barely driveable right now. And no money right now to get it fixed.. So, will have to wait a while.......But, thanks for checking up on me. |
| posted by Suzanne on 11/07/2008 08:34 AM
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| I can honestly say that is 1 thing that hubby and I do not argue about.I want it more then him and we pretty well agree on when we do have time to have it.Our problem isnt not wanting each other;its finding time with all the kids always around.We just dont have time for each other any more.We are always doing for the kids and not ourselves. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/07/2008 02:21 PM
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LOL, Hey Lexi, I feel the same way. We have four kids and I don't remember a time when we are alone, usually at the end of the day we are exhausted and just want to fall asleep.
We usually try and make time when we know the kids are in a deep sleep...lol
Good luck Suzanne. Hope you get better. I know how a pinched nerve feels. Horrible. Make sure you try and do stretches. Yoga really helps relax and relieve your body tentions as well as gets you in shape. |
| posted by Glasel on 11/07/2008 02:55 PM
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