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| Stay at Home Moms |
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I know I am new to this group and this is a heavy topic to start out on, but I need to get this off my chest...
I love having the opportunity to stay home with my 16 month old daughter, but I also feel that I have lost a huge part of myself. I feel like everything I do revolves around her and her needs and that I don't really even matter anymore. I really miss people asking about how I am every once in a while. Don't get me wrong I know my daughter is the most important thing in the world and I want to people to ask about her I just want them to care about how I am doing too.
I hope I don't sound selfish or jealous, but I am just feeling so depressed lately and noone even seems to notice. I miss the adult interaction I had when I was working. I am in several moms groups, but all we ever talk about even at MNO and book club nights is our kids most of the time. How do you maintain a sense of self while staying at home? Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly apprecitated.
Melanie |
| Posted by Melanie on 05/29/2007 11:42 PM
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Melanie, I totally know where you are coming from.... I so sos so feel that way... I think the best advice I can give is start doing things out of that like a day out shoping with a friend or meeting a friend at starbucks or something totally different then just the mom's group thing or playdate thing. I know i have been so wrapped up in all of that too... in fact feel guilty I am missing my mommy and me group tomorrow to go have coffee with a friend and go window shopping. my husband is off and he offered to watch my 23 month old and my son just turned five and is at pre-school.... my friend and I have decided to try to make fun and not be always talking about the kids even though we end up doing that because that is totally what are lifes are about.. all I can say is it goes by so fast and some days I am so overwhelmed ready to go back to work and other days I think what an opportunity this has been to be there for my kids, I worked part-time until my daughter was born so I have only been home full-time almost two years and what a blessing although sometimes when the kids go to bed I feel gulity because I huge sigh of ahhhhh I can have my ice cream and watch my shows.... I totally miss My work friends but I know I will be back soon, I look at my son and he will be starting kindergarten in the fall and you know what in a couple of years I will be back and then I will wish I had this time back so whenever you are down remember in just a short fews years , they will be bye mom going to a friends house and then we will miss this time, I know easy to say at the end of the day when we are so tired from the sam old play house disney JOJO circus and mickey mouse clubhouse but my mom keeps telling me these words of encouragement so I guess I have to practice what I preach.... the hardest thing for me is the same old thing everyday and I think by me scheduling some of these one on one type friend outings it has helping me ..... for two years I barely got out at all and finally I decided I need to for sanity sake and it has helped me not feel as depressed, I know I can't spend alot because I am at home but just to get out is nice.... remeber you are not jelous and selfish this is a 24 7 job and wanting to have a little piece of YOU is ok!! I have told myslf that for the last two years and know I get it because if I don't take a break and have adult interaction I starting getting mad at the kids and I know now I have to take a break to be a better MOM if not I do get depressed... I also no alot of moms that have starting working from home or selling things on e-bay or doing there own kind of business for something for themselves to have... I did Arbonne make-up for a while but the kids it was tough to have all the parties and I felt weird asking my friends... so keep me posted and let me know how your are doing.. I think the best thing about this web-site is talking about it we are ok.. we are not alone we all feel like that but we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel when they go to school..... and until then just making the most of our day and you are right not loosing oursleves in the process.....
one more thing that is so weird when you said you miss people asking about you!! I told my husband that same thing the other day.. He always says that "how are the kids" ??????? it drives me crazy what about me too??? I think remembering to say HEY I had a tough day I need help!! I have not done that until recently I thought oh I can be super mom and do it all myself well that is not the case!!!!! asking for help is ok and saying hey I do matter and doing every thing around them is my life I don't even eat what I want I do everything for them so I decided HEY when they go to sleep I am going to watch what I want and eat what I want!!!!
hope I helped ..........
just remember we are all in the same boat!! we are here for eachother......
heidi |
| posted by heidi on 05/30/2007 12:42 AM
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Melanie, I understand how you feel, and no, you are not being selfish. You need to take care of yourself because if you continue feeling this way you may start to resent being home with your daughter and you won't enjoy these early years as much as you could.
First, you need to take time for yourself. Ask your husband to schedule time to care for your daughter at least once or twice a week, even if only for an hour or two. Use this time for you, not laundry or cleaning or any "mom tasks." Instead do things you enjoy doing- like reading or taking a relaxing bath or a walk. This time will also be good for father and daughter to bond.
The women in your mom groups are naturally going to talk about the children. If you can't steer the conversation away from the kids for a little while try going out with other friends once in a while. I have only one friend who doesn't have kids, and she is great when I need a break from talking about mom stuff.
As for missing having people concerned about you, that is part of having a new baby. You haven't changed much since people saw you last, your daughter has, so they ask about her. But that doesn't mean people don't care about you anymore. Don't be afraid to tell people you are feeling this way. They probably don't even realize that they are doing it. It can be uncomfortable to talk about, so start with your husband and the people you are closest with.
Get a sitter and go out with your husband. This is important to still feel like you have a relationship with him. Get someone you really trust and do something you used to do together before you were parents. If you haven't done this yet, you will probably do nothing but worry and talk about your daughter the whole time, but after a few times it will get easier and you will actually have a good time and focus on each other.
I know it is hard. I have struggled with this myself. Make sure you make time for yourself so that you will be able to give the best of you to your daughter when you are with her.
Marcia |
| posted by Marcia on 05/30/2007 07:43 AM
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I think every SAHM has felt this way at some point. I go out once a month, not a lot but it does help, with a friend of mine who is also a SAHM. We go to dinner have a couple drinks eat at expensive resturants that we would never even dream of taking our children and we get to eat all our own dessert. When I get home I feel so much better about myself, that I really am the same women I was she is just on the back burner at times. I hope things start to get better for you
Jessica |
| posted by Jessica on 05/30/2007 08:15 AM
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hi melanie
you are definitely not alone in this-that is why i like this site so much. you can discuss things that your husband or others may not understand why you feel that way, but other sahms will.
i struggle with this also-it can be very isolating to stay home with little ones all day doing nothing but feeding, diapers, laundry etc.
i agree to try and have date night with your husband on a regular basis. my husband works a lot of hours and we just found a dependable babysitter but i plan to make this a priority.
also, i do not know if your finances allow but i found a mothers day out program after we moved here and it saved my sanity. at first i felt guilty for spending the money since i am supposed to be WORKING at home. but you know when you are working, you get that hour lunch to yourself or the drives in your car etc. when you stay at home you are on call 24/7. You are the one who does the 12am feedings and still gets up at 6am.
It does feel like i am so out of touch with what is going on in the outside world,but i am trying to be positive and just look forward to the time when i have at least ONE in school, lol. But yu know the other ladies are right, then i will be like"where has my baby boy gone", lol.
good luck to you |
| posted by Andrea R. on 05/30/2007 10:30 AM
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Hi Melanie,
I feel just like you do! I feel very isolated and I too feel as if I have lost a part of myself! All of my friends with kids work, and I feel like a whiny spoiled brat by saying anything to them. I feel sometimes as if my husband is looking at me like I am crazy, but it the hardest thing I have ever done and my son is just 6 months old. It is hard to talk to my husband because he has worked all day and just wants to come home and veg out while I am talking 100 miles a minute because I am so glad to have an adult to talk to. I always heard that being a stay at home mom is a 24/7 job, but until you do it yourself you don't have a clue. To compound things you feel guilty that you feel this way. I can't remember the last time I ate dinner without my son on my lap, or the last time I had a relaxing bath. By the end of the day I just want some guilty pleasures like watching TV or reading a book, but it still doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day. I think sometimes I bring alot of it on myself because I feel so lucky to get to stay at home. I guess we both need to not feel guilty to ask for some time off, just like everyone elso does on jobs outside of the home. I am glad you brought this up and it is helping me by just having other moms to talk to. Good luck with everything! |
| posted by Andrea on 05/30/2007 01:38 PM
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Hi Melanie,
I am completly there with you. My son is almost 26 months and I still feel the same way. On top of all of that, we've moved twice since he was born, and I don't know anyone where we've moved to, so I only have him and our two dogs to talk to all day! But, I have taken steps to get me back. I signed up for some workout classes in town, and am working to get me back on a physical level. I'm also planning on taking a photography class to get me back on a mental level. What we used to do in my first mom's group, from which I've found some of my closest friends, is that when we go out for MNO, we give ourselves 10 min. to talk about the kids, then we can't talk about them anymore. That really helped in taking ourselves back as well.
Our kids are our worlds. But as Dr. Phil say's, the best gift you can give your kids is to take care of yourself.
Hope this helps!
Susan |
| posted by Susan on 05/31/2007 07:50 AM
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| I AM SO HAPPY,I AM NOT ALONE.A STAY AT HOME MOM DEALS WITH SO MUCH IN HER EVERYDAY LIFE.IT'S LIKE TAKING YOUR FREEDOM AWAY FROM YOU.YOU ARE STUCK AT HOME ALONE JUST CHANGING SHITTY DIAPERS ALL DAY.IT'S ALL ABOUT OUR KIDS NEEDS,WE SACRIFICE SO MUCH TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE HAPPY.WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME INSIDE THAT WE MISS OUT ON THE OUTSIDE WORLD.NO ONE NOTICES US ,THE KIDS GET ALL THE ATTENTION.I KNOW ALL OF US FEEL LIKE THAT SOMETIMES.WE GET SO STRESSED OVER THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE BECAUSE WE GET SO BORED DOING THIS EVERYDAY.I GUESS WE JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE HAVE KIDS NOW AND CERTAIN DECISIONS HAVE TO BE MADE. |
| posted by YVONNE on 05/31/2007 11:20 PM
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| i am with you, all of you too. i'm an extremely athletic on the go tomboy. I've worked in a party life atmosphere (nightclub) for 7 years lookign sexy every night and being around good looking people socializing acting wild now in 9 months of pregnancy and 5 months being home to take care of my new son i'm still in shock at what an extreme turn around my life has done. it's such a separating experience for couples i think. One minute you're romancing and laying around when you want watching tv going to movies, being selfish, partying hard the next you are alone in the house all day doing silly things to entertain a little one when you truly need someone to entertain you and then our guy gets home tired as well froma completely different atmosphere and we can't help but be jealous because we're dying for a change of scenery and dying for him to take the baby off you so you can have your hands free just to breathe, but he's tired too and you catch yourself holding the baby all day into the night and it becomes a cycle looking forward to your baby just falling asleep so you can relax. and thats how a couple drifts apart you're laying together but you're too tired to entertain each other, i have a bit off anger about his life-friends, work, being the same, but mine completely solitary and different, and there's no energy for sex anymore, and my guy takes over the remote control so its seems like it's cartoons in the morning and sports at night. all this anger bottles up for a long period of time that things aren't fair but we are women and supposed to not feel this way because the joys of having a baby is supposed to take over and be worth it then why am i so miserable knowing tommorrow i'm going to be lonely again, tired again looking forward for the baby to fall asleep so i can fall asleep, not watch tv shows i like or be funny amd crazy like i used to or be romantic but just fall asleep because the monotony has killed me.The one thing i do for myself no matter how tired or much i'd rather watch tv and sit on the sofa i exercise during naptime. it's the one thing i have to keep me sane. if my body had fallen apart and couldn't be put together i'd think i'd loose my mind in this superficial, choventistic world. The world that men can have back hair and no muscle tone and a flabby belly but you see them putting a woman with an equal body type down because they deserve better |
| posted by ellie on 06/01/2007 05:46 PM
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| Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories. It does help a lot to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. |
| posted by Melanie on 06/01/2007 11:19 PM
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| I am new to this & i totally know what you are talking about i have a handicapped 13 yr old and she needs my attention more than i can give her i also have a 10 yr old that needs my attention i dont work & i have had my moments of being depressed but i always come out of it i just take it one day at a time |
| posted by rhonda on 06/03/2007 03:50 PM
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| That's all you can do, Rhonda, is take it one day at a time. It can be very overwhelming, and you have to keep things in perspective and set realistic expectations for yourself. |
| posted by Marcia on 06/03/2007 05:23 PM
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