Hey ladies,
I want to tell you about my relationship, what I have learned and some resources that I have found helpful.
We've been together for 6 years and have a 2.5 year old son. In December of last year I began going to counceling because I didn't know which way was up. Literally. I thought I had completely lost my mind and should be hospitalized. I could look up and he'd tell me to stop looking down. I would say that I wasn't feeling well and he'd tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Well, it only took one counseling appointment to realize that I wasn't crazy! She handed my a piece of paper with the heading 'The Cycle of Voilence.' And I was like, this isn't for me, there is no violence... then I read it. It was the current state of our relationship - and had been for a few years.
I'm not even sure how it all started. At first he was very charming and quite the opposite of me - I'm shy and reserved around people I don't know and was little miss professional at work, by nature I'm very laid back and just go with the flow. Once I'm comfortable around others they see that, they see me for me. He seemed to at first, but within 6 months I was defending my feelings for him and our relationship, proving my feelings and proving myself. I felt like I had to. I spent less time with him and more with my friends, but always went back to him when he asked nicely - all it took was one decent phone conversation and I would hang out with him. But once I was at his house and his friends were there, something would change - I felt like I shouldn't be there, that I was not welcome. Sometimes I would just leave, most of the time I didn't. I wish I had listened to my intuition. Somehow between approval seeking behavior and showing him I cared the way he wanted me to show him, I stopped listening to myself, my intuition faded into the background noise. Eventually it wasn't even a cricket in my life.
At that point I started looking for a roommate to share an apartment or someone who had a room to rent who was looking for a friend and a roommate. I found someone, moved in, made a bunch of friends and had a blast. Then her new boyfriend moved in... he started making fun of me all the time and was constantly looking down on me (though he was 3 or 4 inches shorter than me!) and started saying bad things about my roommate. I told my boyfriend about it and he asked me to stay with him that night and then asked me to move in. I did. And I wish I hadn't.
I got pregnant right away. Stopped talking to my friends because they were frustrated with him because he would always ditch me at the last minute when we were all supposed to do something. I was embarassed. Throughout the pregnancy his mom bought everything a baby could possibly need - without asking what we wanted, not once did she ask what was needed or if there was a specific product that we wanted. And was kind enough to 'lose' the reciepts. I bought things that I wanted for myself and my soon to be baby, but was determined to make the best of the unwanted gifts.
My boyfriend and I agreed that I would quit working and be a SAHM and see if that would work for us. It did. But I had to pay half of rent and half the bills still - without a job. If I protested, I got in trouble - afterall, what do I do all day? I don't go to work, I sit around, watch Oprah, eat and pop a pacifier in the babys mouth. And he claimed he just couldn't do it financially. We made about the same amount of money, rent was CHEAP too and before I moved in with him, my lifestyle was somewhat extravagent - my rent had been $900 for years living alone (our rent was $750), paid all my household bills - water/sewer, garbage, utilities, cable/internet, car insurance, gas, food for one or two and was able to go out whenever I wanted, had nice clothes, nice things - it was just nice, I lived comfortably. And he made a tiny bit more than me, but couldn't pay rent alone? Couldn't afford the household bills? It didn't make sense to me. So I paid out of my savings account for a year - half of rent, half the household bills, my car insurance and paid him for my cell phone. Needless to say, I have no longer have savings.
So here I am, 29 years old. After 2.5 years of being told that I can't do anything right, I'm lazy, don't do anything all day (hey, my kid can count, knows letters, is nearly potty trained, is still nursing once a day and talks an awful lot and I don't think he picked all of that up from watching Oprah!), I'm crazy, I'm emotionally retarded, I'm stupid, I'm incapable of parenting, I'm irresponsible, unreliable and basically worthless... I'm ready for a change. I still feel like crap about myself. When he sighs heavily while doing the dishes, I hear his voice in my head, "what the hell did you do all day that was so important that you couldn't have done the fucking dishes?! Why do you make me say this to you!?" When he sighs heavily after we've gone to bed I hear "you make me treat you like this and disrupt your sleep because you won't have sex with me. This is your fault and I'm going to make sure everyone else knows it." When he gets short with our son I hear "I work all day and it's really hard work, the last thing I need is your attitude and a babysitting job."
He used to actually say those things, but I asked him to stop because I won't be treated like that anymore. If he continued to say it out loud I would go somewhere else until he could act like a sane human being. I followed through and hung out with my one friend - my last roommate and her son who is 6 weeks older than mine, whose boyfriend treated me badly, who treated her badly, she left him and I haven't left mine. My point - he used to say those things out loud, saying that he was thinking out loud, not saying them to me. But I could hear it, very clearly, as if he were talking to me. And now those words have been replaced by audible sighs, but the words stay in my head and I hear them almost everyday. It will never stop... unless I leave.
I'm looking for a job. But get hungup about childcare. So I'm looking at daycare centers or home daycares that will employ me and have my son attend until I can figure something else out. I want to get a job and save up money so I can move out and into an apartment with our son... without my boyfriend. I wish he wasn't the father of our son... but there isn't a snowballs chance in hell that he isn't. Sometimes I wish I had cheated so there would be a sliver of doubt. I wish a lot of things. I kind of hope that someone can relate, but also hope that nobody feels this way too, it's terrible.
I will post the cycle of voilence in the reources section. I will also list some of the books I have read. I check the books out from the library. My library system allows patrons to get a card online and it gets mailed to your home. Check yours out - it's been a great resource and a fun activity to do with my son (there are stroytimes and childrens areas at most libraries).
Take care everyone - thanks for reading. |
