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| Marriage couseling is one thing u can do. Talk it out alone with hubby. |
| posted by Laura on 05/28/2007 11:34 PM
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I think that family counseling would be great to. Acknowledge how hard it must be for your husband's family and how the teenage boy must be feeling rejected and alone too. He definitely needs counseling as well. Maybe y'all can make a schedule with his parents of when he can help them so that he can have time at home too.
Best wishes! |
| posted by Mandy on 05/29/2007 12:11 AM
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| I would tell him about counsling and also check in to some boys home type deals for his nephew. I would explane to him that this child is out of control and may need to in house treatment for his behavor. We have consederd puting my 14 year old step son in the babist childrens home for a while if her does not stop geting in to trobble. We have let him know that if he can not get a handle on things we will get a handle on it for him. He needs to know that he is a teenager not a grown up and that he is not in controll. as for your hubby. I know he feals like he has to take care of his parents and feals respnsblie. but at the same time he needs to understand that you and the girls are his family and he needs to listen to your consernse as well and get a grip. |
| posted by Melissa on 05/29/2007 12:21 AM
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| yea counselling would really help i would also talk to your husband about maybe a schedule like mondays and thursdays he helps his parents with errands and the rest of the time he stays home with you and the girls maybe that way he can balance both there is no need for him to go every day thats not fair to you, the girls or your husband |
| posted by amber on 05/29/2007 01:17 AM
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| Your husband needs to know that you and the girls should be #1 in his life. He should help his parents, only out of respect for them. Maybe you and your husband could call volunteer organizations to find help with transportation for his parents. I think he should give them one day out of the week to do all the errands, I have a family of four right now and I don't need to run errands everyday. I think that the nephew needs to go to a boys home, it might be hard on him in the beginning but he will know in the end that it was the right thing to do. Best of luck with your family, hold them close and always remember to love your husband, this is very hard on him!!! |
| posted by cindy on 05/29/2007 02:56 AM
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| have you ever read the book BOUNDARIES by cloud and townshend? i think it would REALLY help all of you. even if your husband does not read it, it's ok. my husband did not read it, i did, and it helped us communicate soooo much better, helped me learn what i am and am not in control of. i agree that counselling is a good idea, too. |
| posted by Christina on 05/29/2007 07:55 AM
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| I think the counseling is a great idea if you can get everyone to go . For now I would suggest that you have a couple days during the week that your husband will help them out. I know that I don't need to go some where everyday, so few days a week should be ok for them. Good luck |
| posted by Jessica on 05/29/2007 08:12 AM
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Maybe you could help your inlaws find resources to help them with their grandchild. If they are his legal gaurdians they may be able to find help to take some of the pressure off your husband.
I understand that your husband wants or feels obligated to help, but does he have any siblings who can also help to take some of the burden off him?
You need to make it clear to your husband, even if it does result in a fight, that you and your children need and expect him to be there. Maybe try to compromise so he can be home at least a few evenings a week until other help for his parents can be arranged. |
| posted by Marcia on 05/29/2007 08:39 AM
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Christina,
I am sorry to hear that all of this is happening to your family. Some of the other ladies have suggested counseling and I am not sure how you and your husband feel about that, but I was wondering if you had talked to your husband about helping him out. From what I understand he has the car all day and you are at home, maybe you and the girls could take him to work once a week and while he is there you could run the errands with the girls once a week for his family and once a week for yours. This might alliviate some of the pressure the both of you are feeling and free up the weeknights. You might be able to cooperatively set up a meeting time once a week at your in-laws for dinner and family game night. This will allow the whole family to gain ground and work together in finding a solution. Since summertime is here if your comfortable asking him, you might ask the fourteen year old to come over once or twice a week and help you out during the day.
This might help the fourteen year old, from my experience who is crying out for serious help, to feel as though he is part of the family. By giving him a little responsiblity as well as holding him accountable for his actions, he begin to understand that he is in control of his own choices and from this point on those choices have consequences as well as rewards. (he may be feeling quite rejected considering the pending circumstances) If he understands that he is loved and people are willing to help him through this tough time, he may also understand that life can be unfair sometimes but if he has the courage to, he can rise above and become a wonderful asset to the family unit. (sorry to be so technical) As one of the other ladies said " he is fourteen and not an adult" please remember that as he is creating such anguish for all of you, he is only fourteen. As you try to figure out a solution and are older and wiser he is only fourteen and this quite a scary world when you feel all alone.
As for you and your husband by making some small changes when he is feeling like he need alone time you won't feel as though all you have is alone time and need adult time because you will have had the chance to it all week long. Just remember though we all would like them to understand and read minds they cannot. Quite frankly niether can we but we read alot into things. You have to communicate with one another!!! As it seems you are worried about him, them tell him that, yes you and your girls are important but you don't need to state that he knows it too and if you express that you are trying to help him the favor might just be returned. Remember always that you are in this together and you can play just as big a part as he in the solution. Best of Luck with your resolution, I hope it all works out.
Nicole |
| posted by on 05/29/2007 09:16 AM
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It's all about negotiating what will work for the entire family. I'd be tired too if I were any of ya'll...since this is your husband's family, I wouldn't interfere with how they are handling this young boy. Your husband needs to realize that his catering to his parents is jeapordizing his family.
You teach people how to treat you. So, I think it's a great suggestion to find out how you can come alongside your man and help him help his family. Love reciprocates. How can you negotiate the time to best meet the needs of your family, But, you should come first in his life and he should come first in yours. Focus on how you can put your husband first...you can't keep going like this feeling guilty and angry all the time. This is sticky and I hope you can get it working for you...because it definitely isn't working the way it is now |
| posted by Kelly on 05/29/2007 03:15 PM
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hi Christina, i too am sorry you and your family are going through these difficult times. i would like to share a little of a similar time my husband and i had. to put it briefly, my motherinlaw (who's 44) left my fatherinlaw (who's 80) last year-just moved out with boyfriend and left house in foreclosure and bills. my fatherinlaw has alzheimers and could not fend for himself. At the time, we lived 5hrs away. My husband was very torn between taking care of his father and being there for our family(my son was 1 and i was pregnant). It was very difficult to try and support him as he worked thru that situation and keep our families' welfare in mind. This situation took him away from us physically, financially, and aslo emotionally. He was stressed all the time even when he was physically sitting next to me. I had to work hard to remind myself every day that these are HIS PARENTS and that the fact that he respects and loves them is one thing i love about him.
I do not know if u pray but that really worked for me to release some of my anger toward my motherinlaw for putting all of us in a bad situation. also, i had a few people i could vent to that would not repeat it as gossip.
i agree that if possible you should have the car to run the errands once/twice a week and if not then a set schedule would help. maybe the inlaws could watch the girls while u and husband do the errands together so you could have some alone time:)
i wish you the best |
| posted by Andrea R. on 05/29/2007 03:52 PM
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| I JUST JOINED THIS GROUP TODAY AND READING THIS I CAN SEE THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS PUTTING HIS PARENTS AND NEPHEW FIRST.TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS AND HOW YOU AN DHIS KIDS SHOULD BE FORST PRIORITY NOW.I UNDERSTAND HOW U FEEL.MAYBE HE SHOULD BUY A VEHICLE FOR HIS PARENTS.HIS NEPHEW NEEDS TO BE SENT TO BOOT CAMP. |
| posted by YVONNE on 05/29/2007 07:13 PM
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| Marriage counseling rocks--I agree with the other ladies! We have been in counseling for over a year and it does really help (as long as your husband agrees to listen--which is hard when one of your major problems is his not listening!!) Anyway, that's what I would suggest because it's a safe place to express your feelings without getting in a huge fight. Good luck my dear! |
| posted by Briana on 05/29/2007 09:04 PM
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Hello friend!! I think what the other girls suggested is great !!!! I think alot of time our husbands just think they can do whatever they want and don't realize what we are going though all day long. Maybe really sit down and tell him that you really respect him for wanting to help and be there but you and your girls really need as well so maybe you guys good compromise and put together a schedule for other family memebers to possibly contirbute to help.
Also, my sister put her step daughter in a very good girls/boys type home in MOntana for troubled teens.....
heidi |
| posted by heidi on 05/30/2007 12:49 AM
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Wow Christine
That is a hugh burden on u being home doing all alone. Not fair at all. U are 50 - 50 in the marriage and u need to speak to your husband in a calm not mean way and explain how u feel right away before u start tohate his family. Not sure if they would all go to couseling it really just sounds like u need to express how u feel.
Good luck
Laura |
| posted by laura on 05/30/2007 08:52 PM
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