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"Somewhere along the way I seem to have forgotten who I am..." This is a statement that I hear a lot from women, especially wives. How do you reject your self...? What are the small ways in which you give up part of who you are or how you express yourself? The voice of women has been silenced on a large scale, through society norms and pressures, showing up in our homes. Lets hear how this has effected your life.
Some questions for stimulating thinking:
When you are in the car, who's music do you listen to?
Or when at home, who determines the mood?
Is there something (a certain style of clothing, or life ambition) that has been forgotten?
Do you hold back saying what is on your heart in order to keep your relationship with your husband running smoothly?
How much of your life is actually your idea of what your life would be? |
| Posted by Jennifer on 08/08/2008 12:37 PM
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I am not sure I ever allowed myself to know me, from a very early age I learned that it was "easier" for me to get by when I was who everyone wanted me to be. Recently my marriage took its final lethal blow and now I find myself struggling to answer these questions along with many other questions I never thought I would have to answer.
I remember meeting a fellow RaisingThem mom for a playdate about 6 months ago and when she got into my car I had a kids tape in the deck and she laughed and asked me if that was all I ever listened to, I told her when my son was in the car that is all I would play (other than the classical station that I also enjoy listening to) she said that I have to try to retain some of myself as well as be a mom. I did not understand it then but I do now.
I have finally gotten around to keeping a journal and am looking forward to answering these questions.
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| posted by Kyleen on 08/09/2008 12:12 AM
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| Good reflection Kyleen! This is something that I am dealing with as well. I have found that my husband has gotten so used to my passivity that he is struggling to see me as a seperate person, who has different ideas than he. I just couldn't pretend anymore, I have to express who I am to the world...or then what would my life be worth? Besides, don't we owe it to the world to speak our minds, be authentic, and live our purpose. And to our husbands/children so they can fully experience us in our truest form? |
| posted by Jennifer on 08/11/2008 01:27 AM
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How did this happen? I dont know why I keep asking myself that. I know it is because I have always been a pleaser(where my husband is concerned) I have always be the peacemaker. It bothers me so bad when we are not speaking even for 10 minutes that I will apologize even if I havent done anything wrong! That really stinks doesnt it!
The other night my husband and I had an argument over something that I obviously had not resolved in a past argument, but let buried(probably by apologizing)because the argument got heated. He wanted to know if I was still unhappy about the situation why did I let it go the last time? I was unable to tell him that it was just to make him happy, but it was for some reason a wake up call to me. I deserve to be happy too! It's not all about him, the childrens, my extended family. Whose gonna make sure I am happy while I am busy pleasing everyone else. I will express myself!(That's my declaration)I will do it because it needs to be done. I dont want my feelings to eventually come out in negative ways. Uncalled for remarks, depression and even disease. I love who I am....and others will have to accept me as I am.
Questions: I guess the scary thought is do you worry that when people realize who you really truly are they wont be happy with that? Or does that even matter? |
| posted by Yvonne on 08/12/2008 11:35 AM
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| Yvonne, good for you, that is a hard step to take but a very important one in your persuit of yourself. Good luck on your journey. |
| posted by Kyleen on 08/12/2008 11:06 PM
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I'm so glad to have a place to share these things and to know I am not alone in my ways. It seems something as simple as taking time to post a message after the baby's sleeping and catch up on something for myself causes me guilt. It comes in the form of anxiety and trying to complete the task quickly. As I write this I realize it's my conditioning (pleasing others) that feeds on these feelings.
I declare the desire to stay in the moment and soak in what I am doing. Keep my attention on the task at hand and enjoy the time spent.
Thank you sisters for opening up this discussion, affirming the healthy truth and allowing the positive energy to re-build confidences that have slipped away momentarily. |
| posted by Cathy G on 08/14/2008 09:11 PM
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Will these people in your life accept you when you step into your self? If they love you, they will.
For me I have noticed that since I have started affirming my own needs to my husband that he has acted like he is kind of put off. In my mind, he's thinking "oh no, I thought I got rid of that habit/style/idea of hers" I agree, women are very guilt prone because of conditioning, yet does your partner play on that guilt by certain looks, or just not being happy in situations where you have been assertive. Are males conditioned to respond this way? They are conditioned to be competetive.
An example in our life is that we have two dogs. When we bought them my intention was to make them into house dogs, yet his was to have them outside. My idea is that I would not want to live the life of a dog, chained to the gound for life! His idea is that he doesn't want the house to smell like dogs and be covered in dog hair. At first, the dogs were inside, they were almost house trained and my husband was constantly unhappy about the whole thing. Then one day he just said, the dogs are staying out...that's what we are doing, because I say so... So they have been there outside living their sad lives... To me that is inhumane, to him it is about keeping the house clean. Who gives in? Yes, you got it, the woman!
I don't know if he will ever learn to accept me, we are from two totally different cultures. And I also don't know that I will be able to accept him. Maybe he thought I would just eventually melt into his mold for me. Maybe I thought the same about him. The difference is that I have had to accept him for who he is and how he wants to live his life, because of those dominant male tendencies, and in doing so have forgotten about my own needs and ideas because of my passive female tendencies...
Now that I can identify that we both have issues and are in dyer need of equality, will he be able to handle this reciprocity now that I have allowed him not to for so many years?
In honoring myself and my little future women, I don't argue about what is right and what is wrong, because that takes me away from my center... I simply do what I feel is right for the situations that are important to me.
We'll see what happens when I bring the dogs in! |
| posted by Jennifer on 08/15/2008 02:25 AM
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| Kyleen,Jennifer and Cathy, You have all made some great points, scary how they all seem so close to home for me...We are all making such and important step! Realizing the problem is half the battle. Like everyone else I am a little afraid that as the real me comes out my husband will feel like I have changed as a person and that this is not the person he fell in love with. Unfortunately this is a chance I will have to take. I cant imagine going the rest of my life being as passive as I have been. I do believe that with the wisdom God gives me I will still be able to be the peacemaker without sacrificing myself to do it. |
| posted by Yvonne on 08/15/2008 12:12 PM
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| Jennifer, I do believe that men are conditioned to get their way or to be assertive,aggressive,competative etc but as women we are also conditioned to change and I think that it is incredibley unfair to say that we can change but they can not. I know that I am going through an incredible amount of personal change and it is unfortunate that my husband could not join me in this journey but I can not be responsible for him. We are not always going to get our way in a relationship (no one should) but there does have to be a balance. |
| posted by Kyleen on 08/18/2008 11:19 PM
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Some men do not think of the future when they get married.Some men think that the sex part is suppose to stay exactly as it is and was when you met.Their bodies never go thru all the changes that ours do.They dont have to get preg and have kids.They dont have to give birth.They dont have to stay up all night after the children are born.Their bodies dont have to go back to what it is.We gain weight(some of us).All this time they are the same and so is their minds.
Some men are wonderful until you marry them and after you marry them;they totally change because they have you. |
| posted by Lexi on 08/24/2008 01:27 PM
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