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| I thought I was out of the worst stage when my son exited the terrible twos and turned three, but now that he's three and a half the horrible threes have arrived. This makes terrible twos look like a happy day in the park! Has anyone else experienced this? How do I keep my cool and still be sane at the end of this? |
| Posted by Donna on 08/04/2008 01:31 AM
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| What exatly is he doing thats so terrible? |
| posted by on 08/04/2008 02:08 AM
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Are you experiencing what I called the trying threes? I went through that with my oldest daughter! If I said up she wanted down, if I said out she wanted in. If i said mac & cheese she wanted pizza. She just tried and tried to push my buttons. And no I really can not offer help!
Other than to stand firm, and always offer two choices.
Sorry,
Karen |
| posted by Karen on 08/04/2008 05:54 AM
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I used to teach preschool, and spent every day with 14 three-year-olds. Most of the parents agreed that 3 was harder than 2. At this age, they really want to be independent and express themselves. Offer choices whenever possible- let him choose what to wear from 2 options selected by you, what to eat from 2 you selected, and so on. Let him be involved in decision making, such as, 'should we go to the park today or the library?'
Make as few rules as possible, and involve him in making the rules. Keep them simple and write them down, with picture labels, if possible, like cut pictures from magazines. When he breaks a rule, remind him of it, and refer to the list. Offer alternatives. For example, if he is yelling in the house say 'no yelling in the house, but when we go outside you can be loud. For now, let's use soft voices.' I even went so far as to explain why. I told the children that loud noise bounces off the walls and comes back and hits my ears and it hurts. But outside there are no walls, so the noise floats away and it doesn't hurt.
Be consistent with rules and consequences, and make sure he knows the consequences. If you are consistent, he will learn that to avoid time out, or whatever the consequence is, he has to follow the rules.
Give him some responsibility and praise success. For example, he needs to pick up his own toys each day. Make sure he knows where everything goes, and when he picks up, reward him with verbal praise or even a sticker. Give more attention to the good things than the bad. |
| posted by Marcia on 08/04/2008 07:53 AM
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I also found 3 much harder than 2. A few things that worked for me: Pick your battles. I let my daughter choose her own clothing if she put it on herself. I kept anything that was not weather appropriate out of reach (or items that I wanted to keep nice) so that whatever she reached for was appropriate, even if it didn't match. I made a "responsibility chart" that was just a list of pictures of what I expected from her that were areas of difficulty for her. The grid next to the picture was undated, but she couldnt' get the treat for filling the chart until every single box had a sticker in it, and we had special "chore chart stickers" that she had picked out. That way, if she wasn't complying with something, I could calmly point out that she was going to miss getting her sticker that evening, and at bedtime, when we put the stickers on the chart, we could calmly talk over what she had done well and what she hadn't done so well. Then we'd end the day with an assurance that she could do better the next day to get her sticker.
If he's giving up his nap, then be flexible -- I had and still have a rule that you don't have to go to sleep during "quiet time" but you do have to sit quietly in your bed. We taught her to operate her CD player and gave her storybook CD's and music CD's to entertain herself, and she could have a limited number of small toys. I drew a picture of what the clock had to look like before she could get up and she pretty much abided by that (doing well at quiet time was a chore chart item). This helped make sure that she got at least some down time in the day so that she didn't go crazy from being overtired, and it also assured that I got a break as well.
I'm sure I had other tricks, but those are the ones that really stick in my mind (she's 5 now; my 2nd child is 2 1/2 and I'm bracing myself for what you're going through). For keeping your cool, I had a hard time with that also. Remember that everything is a phase and that this too shall pass. Try to make a special note of the sweet and loving things your child does to keep the difficult times in perspective, and also thank him profusely for those things to reinforce the good behavior. Take a few moments every so often to breathe deeply and pray to God for calm, patience, energy, and creativity. And GOOD LUCK. This is far and away the hardest job I've ever had. |
| posted by Cindy on 08/04/2008 11:16 AM
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Thank you all for your advice. Unfortunately I have tried most of those things, they're things I continue to do to try and keep a level of peace in the house, but recently my husband and I have discussed acutally taking him to a specialist to be seen. He does the normal three thing of being difficult, demanding independence, refusing naps, etc.- but then he does other not so normal (at least from what I hear from the "norms" of other parents) things, like when I attempt to put him in time out or have a discussion with him he acts as though I don't exist, he never appears to be affected by the punishment at all, then he immediately re-offends by doing the same thing he got in touble for again, and when we get more serious, like get in face and try to make him hear us or pay attention he begins to throw himself into an awful fit. I'm not talking temper tantrum, I mean I get scared, he throws himself on the ground and screams at the top of his lungs until I think the veins in his neck will pop, and when I try to calm him down he does not respond and this sometimes continues for hours.
He is given many choices and we try our hardest to just avoid situations where we know he's going to react that way, but since he's been refusing naps he gets exhausted and then that in it's own is a stimulant of the problem, with a catch 22, as puting him to bed when he's having the fits causes them to get worse. Does this sound normal? Or should I make an appointment with a specialist? I just feel like I can't handle it anymore because I'm trying to also take care of four month old twins and I don't have the kind of time to dedicate to him that he needs. Yikes! |
| posted by Donna on 08/04/2008 08:55 PM
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| My oldest son (5) used to do the same thing. the "tantrums" where you are waiting on his head to come off and spin around, etc. I tried everything listed above also. It is possible that it is a stage and he will grow out of, however; if YOU feel that it is more than that then you should definantly take him to see a behavioral psycologist. they can offer behavior modification methods specific to your situation and child's needs. You know your child better than anyone else and you know in your heart if this is "just a stage" dont ignore your insinct because you feel you may be over-reacting. It's possible that he will grow out of it...but what if he doesn't?? My child is still too young to be officially evaluated for the diagnoses 3 differrent therapists have given me (isn't that rediculous) but at least i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. and really... even if there is nothing "wrong" with your child a behavior psycologist will still be able to help! |
| posted by Ashley on 08/04/2008 11:06 PM
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One more question, does it seem that this has gotten worse since the birth of the twins? It may be an attention getter?
But, I do agree with Ashley. If you feel this is just not a stage to seek help. When my son was younger he was a fit thrower. And I too thought it was a stage, he was just wanting to do something more fun so on and so on. One time at the grocery store he threw a fit, we removed him from the store, kicking and screaming. We noticed someone take our plate number from our car(nothing ever came out of it). But, as he got older, it seemed there was no way of disciplining him. We could take everything from him in his room, and make him sit in there, and he just didn't care!
We did take him to a family Dr. and basically got laughed at, and told to lock him in his room with nothing in there with him, which of course didn't work. Well in the end he is now 19(today). And he has gotten into all types of trouble with the law, in and out of juvie, spent time in prison twice, and is facing more time.
Please if you think this is really out of the norm, seek professional help, at all costs, just to help your son! |
| posted by Karen on 08/05/2008 05:49 AM
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| I also agree with Ashley. Get help. Even if this is just a little more difficult than average and is not a 'problem,' they can help you by giving you suggestions how to respond to his tantrums and how to discipline him more effectively. Also, they can offer you support so you won't feel like you are going through this alone. |
| posted by Marcia on 08/05/2008 06:57 AM
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You should definitely get help -- sounds like you are overwhelmed and need some assistance. But don't panic and feel like your son's behavior now means that he'll be in continuous trouble for the next 15 years -- you don't need that kind of worry. My brother (12 yrs younger) had horrible fits when he was little, so that my mom sought help and ultimately got very little, and not only did he outgrow it (at about 8) but he went on to graduate from college and hasn't had troubles with the law or violent behavior. Please don't look ahead to his adulthood and think that if you don't fix this now your child will have a miserable life.
Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. I'll be thinking of you. |
| posted by Cindy on 08/05/2008 05:30 PM
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