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| Parents of Teens |
| Public online group |
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| Monday my daughter has finals they invited her to a sunday graduation party I am debating either to let her go or not. I really think letting her go is not good. But if I dont she will just say that i dont trust her. Or that I dont let her do anything. its not that i do or dont trust her, but we have had our ups and downs on trust, and it really scares me if something would happen. Is it that I am just scared of losing her trust again. |
| Posted by Elizabeth on 05/20/2007 02:36 PM
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Good Grief! The more & more I am in this group, I thank God I do not have a daughter. (LOL) This is one sticky situation. IF you tell her "yes", something can happen. If you tell her "no", she might try to sneak out & go to the party anyways. Here's some questions I would ask her if you haven't already in helping you on deciding what to do.
1. Where is the party going to be?
2. How many people are going to be there?
3. Who is going to be there that she knows of?
4. Will there be adult supervison? If so, how many adults & do you trust these adults?
5. How long will this party last? IF you want her home at a certain time,you will have to stress the time & the consquences of her actions if she doesn't come home at the apportiate time.
I can totally understand why you have trust issues with your daughter from what you have stated before on the forum. Hopefully, these questions will help you decide whether or not you should allow her to go. IF all else fails, lock all doors, windows, & entry ways to your home. (J/K)
I don't know if I was any help, but that's my 2 cents on it. What about the parents out there with teen daughters? What's your take on this? Maybe you could help Elizabeth better than I can.
~Cassandra |
| posted by Cassandra on 05/20/2007 02:58 PM
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I understand your reluctance to let her go. Cassandra's questions are very good. My only addition is to ask if you and she could come to an agreement about a time limit for her...say two hours? And you get take her and pick her up.
It's hard for teenagers to understand and remember that trust comes from being trustworthy, it doesn't just happen automatically. |
| posted by Kelly on 05/20/2007 09:00 PM
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| I really feel you are all right, in reality she hasen't sneeked out on me yet. but if she ever does she knows the consequences. It all turned out pretty good, I guess when I stress about something especially like this everything turns out ok. Know that I see my son growing up he's going on 11 but he is getting really big. Well the other day I commented that he was getting bigger and that soon he would be bringing his girlfriend over. Or would go out with his friends. Oh my God my daughter had a fit, the she said"oh your going to let him out" and you dont let me not even have a boyfriend, I told her that it was very different between a boy and a girl. What advise can anyone give me on this. I personally think that a boy can take care of himself better. I dont know I would still take care of him of course. |
| posted by Elizabeth on 05/21/2007 02:24 PM
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In my humble opinion, boys are a different story. Bad things can still happen to them, but seem to happen less frequently to boys. My worry with my son is that the more of his friends that are around, the fewer IQ points any of them seem to have!
I've cheated! I'll admit it! I haven't had to deal with this yet because #1, my grown son was raised by his dad and step-mom; and #2, I keep my younger two children close, so close I homeschool them. Because of where we live, and since they can't go to school sponsered events like dances, they don't have a lot of opportunities to go somewhere that their dad and I (or their godparents) are not at also. |
| posted by Kelly on 05/21/2007 04:32 PM
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I don't know if boys are a different story in comparison to girls, but their intersts are. I think that is what makes the difference. Girls seem to want to be more social than boys. So, they are more concerned about their looks, their circle of friends, & what others think of them. Boys are concerned about these issues, but not to the point girls are for some reason.Also, girls tend to be more verbal about things than boys are. I can't say I am an expert at this one, but comparing dealing with my sister as a teen & my oldest son now, this seems to be the case. What I would like to point out is that you can only control how you react. You can't control every little thing in your daughter's life even if you want to. I know I would love to do that with my children, but of course, we all know we can't. We can only show them what is right, correct them when they go astray, & pray that you did the right thing & don't go crazy along the way. (LOL) Let us know how it all turns out.
~Cassandra |
| posted by Cassandra on 05/21/2007 06:28 PM
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| Good points Cassandra! That's why I like these kind of forums, everyone contributes something a little different and adds layers to the whole understanding of an issue. |
| posted by Kelly on 05/21/2007 08:09 PM
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| Yeah I guess I do want to be controling and she also tells me that how will she ever know its a mistake if I dont let here make mistakes. god will someone help me!!! I am really confused I guess that the way I was raised is what controls me. I wish I would have had someone to be there for me. I wish someone would have given me the things I needed when I was growing up. I went through alot as a teenager. Nobody would even care about my grades or if I was in school. But even though I graduated. And I tell my daughter that I did it for me. I have been a single parent for years. And I am proud to say that in spite of our ups and downs. It not only got us closer but sronger and I will do anything for my kids cause they are my life. |
| posted by Elizabeth on 05/22/2007 12:54 AM
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Elizabeth,
You are not alone in your thinking. All parents want to do better for their children compared to what happened to them as a child. I know I do. I had a crappy childhood as well expect my father was to controling. I wouldn't dare bring anything less than a "B" home. I would rather be buried alive than do such a thing. I also have to admit I did my fair share of sneaking out b/c I wasn't allow to do things as well. The hard part is finding that line of being controling enough & allowing the freedoms a child needs to learn from their mistakes. I struggle with that issue all the time. I wish God had instruction mannuals for each child when s/he is born. Then, we wouldn't have this issue to deal with. (LOL) It's awesome that you have been a single parent all theses years, & I could only imagine how hard it is. Even when I was a single parent, I had my grandparents to help me out. How you talked to your daughter about the trust factor & how it makes you feel? I don't know. Maybe that could help you out. |
| posted by Cassandra on 05/22/2007 07:17 AM
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Casandra,
Thanks for your advise. I am really grateful that there are things like this. Sometimes I really get confused. I dont have anyone to talk to, but now I look forward to reading the reply's. It really makes me feel better. At one time I would just sit in my car and cry cause I didnt want my kids to see me. As a parent of a teenager, it can really get hard. I just wonder where was my mother when i was growing up. I dont remember doing things like what I am going through with my daughter. But i pray everyday that God gives me the strength to go on. and take it day by day. |
| posted by Elizabeth on 05/23/2007 08:44 PM
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| That is only what all of us can do is to lean on God through times like this. It's hard to deal with issues like this when you didn't deal with them in a positve manner during your childhood. I know. I have the same problem. My mother had a mental illness & my father is an achololic. I had to go to a therpist to figure out some of my teenage son's behavior was considered "normal" simply b/c I didn't deal with what is considered "normal" during my childhood. It turned out that I was more the adnormal one than he was. (LOL)Believe me. I did my fair share of crying both in front & not front of my children. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. I guess what I am trying to say is that considering all the facts, we both are acting "normal" based on what we went through as a child. The sad thing is we didn't have a "normal" childhood is the problem. (LOL) Just pray a lot. I know it sounds so what corny, but it's the way I got through dealing with my sister, & the way I am getting through with dealing with my boys. It doesn't even have to be a long, formal prayer. Sometimes, a "Lord, help me!" is what it takes. :-) |
| posted by Cassandra on 05/23/2007 09:18 PM
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| Yeah Thanks! I guess its just part of life, I am very strong now I just try to not stress myself out. being calm. Just listen to her and being by her side. Just pray, agian thanks Cassandra |
| posted by Elizabeth on 05/23/2007 09:27 PM
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