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| Parents of Teens |
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I just caught my 13year old daughter in what I feel is a very bad lie. She is not allowed to have a boyfriend nor talk to any boy older than 15 the max. I spoke with a "friend" of hers recently over the phone because he requested to talk to me.
Come to find out he is 16 and was interested in her. He wanted to know how old she was(he had been lied to before and got in trouble with a previous young lady lying about her age) I told him she was 13. She told him she ws 14 turning 15 this summer !!!
He also told me the truth as to how they met, how he didn't know she wasnt allowed to date, much to say was a different story from my daughter. To make things worse, he lives in the same building as we do, and we just moved here 8months ago, something else she didnt tell him.
I felt I have been a very honest and understanding mom. We have a good relationship and I have talked to her about how much I understand what she is going througha a teen in THIS day and age. We have talked honestly heart to heart about it all sex ,drugs, dating, you name it. But she also knows her limits...so why lie to me an this boy? I throughly explained the consequences of lying to her peers and the cruel social treatments that sometime come with lying......Especially being a girl and living in NYC some these kids have these "codes or ethics" if you will and a girl can easily get a "bad rep" if she is not careful what she says/does.
OMG I am so angry and depressed. I honestly to not know what to do. I sent her to her room last night/bed early because I was so livid. I am at a crosroads here and I need some SERIOUS advice. I want her to get the message that what she did was highly unacceptable, and that she is not getting away with what she did not only to herself, but to this young man.but I do not want her to become rebelious or dismiss it like its no big deal.
What do i do?
Amarie |
| Posted by a on 05/18/2007 11:05 AM
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Wow! I would have been very upset, too! Unfortunately, it's fairly common for teens to lie to their about things, especially about their relationships with the opposite sex, even if they have a good foundation.
You can't control whether your daughter becomes rebellious or dismisses this like it's no big deal. You also cannot control what she does when she is not with you. And you can NEVER control what goes on in her little brain. Like you, I think 13 is way too young to date. My husband and I have agreed that our daughter, now 11, will not date until she is 16. At school, though, her age group has "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" which consists of being able to say "Jack is my boyfriend" or "I broke up with him."
You've laid a solid foundation for her, and you will continue to be there for her, so you've done all you could've done. Teens start making their own decisions that sometimes just don't coincide with what we taught them or modeled for them.
Talk seriously with her about this lie. Remind her that as a parent you are supposed to protect her and guide her and you can't do that if she lies. And that by lying about her age, she is putting herself in a dangerous situation. A 13 yo girl cannot be expected to handle sudden intimate situations, where an older 15yo or 16yo probably can. Issue a consequence, if you think it will do any good. Also, talk with her about the boy, and the differences between a 16 year old and a 13 year old. Let her know you really do care about her feelings on the matter. And then at some point you are going to have to give out that freedom again, and hope she chooses more wisely.
I hope this turns out to be a speed bump in your journey with her and not a major mountain. Just please keep remembering that kids do what they do despite how they were parented sometimes. The best parents have had kids turn rotten; and the rottenest parents have had kids turn good. Your job is to love and guide, and it sounds like you are already doing that. |
| posted by Kelly on 05/18/2007 01:40 PM
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I want to really stress 2 things here. #1 Thank your lucky stars that this by called & asked about your daughter's age. Sounds like he's trying to do the "right" thing, & it was a way for you to find out before anything really bad could have happened. #2 You are NOT a bad mother b/c your daughter lied. What she did was wrong, but there could have been many reasons why she lied. It's considered "cool" to be with an older guy when you are a teenage girl. So, peer pressure could have been at work here or simply wanting to "look" better than the other girls. I don't know her reasons, but I'm sure it's not b/c of you doing something wrong.
Before you decide anything, take a time out yourself. Give yourself a chance to calm down before you react. You don't want to say or do something you will regret later on. After you have had your own time out, I'm sure you will be able to think more clearly of what you should do about the situation.
I don't have a teenage daughter, but I do have a teenage son & sometimes have to take a time out, too, before I kill him. (LOL) I was also a teenage girl once upon a time, & try to picture myself in the teenage girl's shoes before I respond to advice about teenage girls.
I don't know if I help you any or not, but thought I would try b/c I know how it feels when you think you have taught your child to do the right thing, & your child does the exact opposite of what you taught them to do.
I raised my sister from the time she was 13 through high school. That's a long story for another time. Anyway, I thought I had taught her all the "right" things, too. Now, she has a baby out of wedlock with the biggest loser on the planet. Trust me. I am not making it worse than it sounds. My point is that I had to come to terms that I could not control her thinking. All I could do was try to teach her what is right. She is now 23, but when she became pregnant, it didn't make me feel any better about the situation. I guess what I am saying is that your situation is bad, but it could been a whole lot worse. Keep us posted, & I hope it all works out. Take care & best wishes.
~Cassandra |
| posted by Cassandra on 05/18/2007 11:10 PM
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Thanks Cassandra and Kelly:
Your input was informative, reassuring, understanding and very very helpful. my daughter is still alive and in one piece lol. she is spending the weekend at grandma's house. my mother understood my stress and decided to have some alone time with her. of course this gives me a chance to simmer down as well. will definitely keep you posted.
god bless you both & thx again |
| posted by a on 05/19/2007 03:37 PM
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| Hi First of all I feel for you. I have a daughter shes almost 16 and and well I have cried my eys out. I have really been through alot. Girls seem to lie at that age its just beginning but, be tough and strong you will do well. My daughter lied to older males to chat on phones, I was terrified. She was not even 15 yet. I am a single parent It is a very hard situation especially on your own. Be strong and remember you have to keep rules. I know its hard to trust agian but your just beginning. Just keep an open relationship with her let her know she can come to you anytime. |
| posted by Elizabeth on 05/20/2007 01:58 PM
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