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| Musicians Wives/Girlfriends |
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My husband and I got married in November 2007. It was the happiest moment of my life, the moment I thought I could take anything and do anything. Now, just 7 months later, I am ready to give him the separation papers.
I love my husband very much, and I know that he loves me. But, his career is causing a big wedge. I feel like I am always the one making the compromises, making the deals, and having to deal with his lifestyle. Meaning the late nights while he records, the late rehearsals, the out of town trips for days. Now, he says that he wants to spend time on his own, to be to himself. Is he not to himself the 27 hours a day he spends alone on the keyboard or the computer recording?
I keep wondering when I will get the same attention, all the while knowing that I never will. I would never ask him to choose, but just once I want to be more important that his music. Perhaps, if I had less to deal with on that end, it wouldn't bother me so much that now he wants " me " time. I am trying to support him in all of his endeavors, but at the same time, I don't know how happy I will be with this situation in the future. I'm scared because I don't want to lose my husband, but I can't lose me either.
I used to want children, now I know that I don't. It would be a nightmare for me to try and raise a child and deal with him being isolated and disconnected all of the time. It didn't think that it would be like this when I said " I do." I didn't think I could feel so neglected and unappreciated in my life. I honestly don't know what to do. |
| Posted by Heather on 07/01/2008 07:06 PM
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I noticed nobody responded to your post and it has been months!
I joined this group because I am terrified of what you described happening to me.
My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage a lot lately and our future. We have been together a year and a half. I am really scared to marry a musician. I am not looking forward to the months at a time of him gone. I am also wondering if I will not want kids anymore with him being gone so much, even though I have always wanted kids so much.
I am beginning to wonder if our love will be able to last a marriage and a lifestyle that his job will bring. We are very much in love right now, but I know things change a lot after years together. Some people can make it work and some can't. I don't want to be divorced at 30 and starting all over again. I want to marry for life.
How are you and your husband doing and have things gotten any better?
Your new pen pal
Rowan~ |
| posted by Cara on 11/20/2008 09:04 PM
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Rowan and Heather,
I am right there with you. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months and find it more and more difficult as the economy goes into a downward spiral. As if the regular problems of dating a musician weren't enough, now the financial side of it has to be dealt with, which believe me, makes things even more explosive at home. I think I'm slowly coming to realize that I will never been more important than the band, the music, and anything that comes with it. Am I okay with that? I don't think anyone ever is, but I've invested too much in the relationship to just let it fall apart. I'm going to continue to do my best to hold it together even though things have been more than bad lately. Please know you guys aren't alone in this. It's nice to know that I'm not alone either. |
| posted by Kelly on 02/06/2009 03:56 PM
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Hi Everyone,
I think I can very well put myself in your shoes, I was with my husband for 7 years before we found that we were expecting, we were married in April of 08, and we now have a beautiful son. He is also a drummer, in a band on the rise. It is so hard on our family, he has practice 4 times a week, and they run real late, when he isn't practicing he is recording or writing, when all of this isn't taking place he is on month long tours. I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him but it doesn't make any of this easier. They are now getting signed this month, and getting a booking agent, which all implies they are going to be touring for 10 months out of the year....we haven't seen any money thus far, and I am out of a job while living with his dad. I have no hope of finding one because of daycare purposes. I can't very well get government help because they don't see being a musician a true job. I am so glad I found someone to talk to about this, because most days I really would just love to break down. |
| posted by Chelsea on 02/07/2009 04:20 AM
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| Hey! For the last 4 years I have stayed with my Mom over the summer and worked just in case the tour doesn't work out. So, every summer we pack up ( my daughter, the dog and I ) take the trek from Florida to New Jersey. It is getting tiresome to live these two lives and to watch the cycle repeat itself over and over. When I get back everything is so new and fresh and he spends time with us but by Christmas it goes downhill. By February of every year we feel so in the way and he doesn't even spend any quality time with us. It probably is going to lead to me moving back with or without him once I finish my school program. |
| posted by Linda on 02/07/2009 08:49 AM
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Hi guys,
Yep, lately it's been a roller coaster for me. Things will be okay one week, working out and we're happy then the next minute something stupid happens again to jack it all up. He and I had a good weekend this past weekend, spending quality time together. That's a big deal because of so many financial problems we've both run into lately. Being a musician isn't profitable in a normal economy let alone a struggling one and you can imagine the stress in the house (stress that was gonna happen) has put a real strain on everything. So, he picked up a couple extra gigs doing music during the week. We've talked about it before, but sometimes I feel like a broken record. I'm like, if you're going to go out for drinks after you finish at 1 a.m. call me so I don't have to worry you've had a wreck, gotten arrested, been mugged, whatever... He knows it worries me more these days because I had a friend who was beaten to death a few months ago so of course I'm hyper sensitive about these things. Anyway, this morning he finally rolls in about 4 a.m. saying he lost track of time. I know the gang he was with and it's cool, we hang out with them all the time, but it's just that courtesy to let me know so I don't have to worry he doesn't seem to understand. We'll talk about it, and he'll do really good calling me about it for awhile and then night's like last night come around when he really drops the ball. Then we have to talk about it again and he tells me that I don't have to remind him over and over. Obviously I do or he'd remember to text or call everytime. Hard-core musicians sometimes just don't get what it's like to live in our world. You can bet though if I had done that and not called he would have had a fit because he'd get all worried. It's really a double standard and quite annoying. Sorry to go on about it, I'm just exhausted today because I was up worrying and had to vent to people who understand. |
| posted by Kelly on 02/11/2009 01:27 PM
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Kelly,
To be honest,I don't know how some girls put up with it. It seems that a lot of the boyfriends/husbands are really inconsiderate of you and your feelings. I lucked out with a guy who is extremely intuitive to my needs and feelings. couldn't imagine living with someone who just "forgot" to call to let me know that he would be gone a lot later than I expected. That's just uncalled for. I am sorry that you are having all of these troubles.
This is definitely a place where you can vent. It's good you talk to your boyfriend about the things that bother you though. I just hate to see so many of you girls truely hurting and your men not really caring...or seeming to not really care.
Take care and good luck,
Rowan |
| posted by Cara on 02/13/2009 03:13 PM
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Hello
It breaks my heart to hear all you amazing women hurting so deeply. The challenges and tribulations you are going through are real. But you truly are NOT Alone... Spouses in pro sports and Tv/Film industries feel the same as you are. Between the long periods of time away.( how do you stay connected when your partner is not in the home) Many of you are running your partners careers, agents, managers, booking etc... I want to try and tell you.. How powerful you truly are in their careers.. How powerful you are in your own lives... You are truly remarkable and should feel proud of all you accomplich.. Being business women, mothers, working women, Please dont forget your power as a consumer.. Women purchase 82% of all consumer goods on the planet. You are very powerful..
If there is anything i can assist with.. Please let me know.. I have many resources at my disposal...
Please keep the faith and your inner strength..
amy
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| posted by Amy on 10/12/2009 01:27 PM
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