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| First Time Moms |
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| I am a single first time mom. My son Michael is 6 months old. Since it's just me (his dad is only around a little) and I have to work, my son lives with my parents, about 2 hours away from me. I only see him on the weekends. I know that I am very lucky to have them to watch my son. I am not comfortable with some one I don't know taking care of Michael and his father and I can't afford day care. After doing this for the last 3 months though, I am starting to feel more like Michael's sister than his mother. My parents have taken over raising Michael. When I go out there, my dad is constantly making sure I don't do something wrong or something he doesn't like. He tells me to be careful with the baby all the time. I wanted to take Michael to a party with me and he said that it wouldn't be a good idea b/c I was going to be drinking! I would never do such a thing. He was uncomfortable with me driving into the city to go to this party. I am 38 years old! Finally he insisted that I call him when I get there and then call him again when I was going to leave. Like I am some 5 year old child taking care of another child. I have said nothing because I know that he takes such good care of Michael and I am so very lucky to have them. My mother thinks I am being ungreatful by complaining, and I don't want them to think I am. They bring him in to my apt. two weekends out of the month, so we have a little alone time. I talk to them every night and see them almost every weekend. I pay for the gas when they do come in. I write thank you's all the time, so they know how greatful I am. I have asked Michael's dad to try pitch in a little more, but he's happy with his one Saturday a month. His mother is willing to help out, which is great. At the moment though, my life has become completely entangled in my parents and it's making me misrable. I want to find some kind of compromise where we are all happy. The only happy person in this whole mess is Michael. Has anyone gone though something like this? |
| Posted by Jacqui on 06/30/2008 10:21 AM
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Sory I can't relate. Perhaps you can find a job closer to your parents and move closer so that you can be wih your son everyday (and drop him off for babysitting).
I'm not sure what you do for a living, but there are lots of options. You could even work in a daycare and your son could attend for a much cheaper price...AND you will get to be with him every day! You could also look into a work at home job.
I have to admit, when I began reading your post I thought "Oh, she must be in her late teens or early 20's...I can see why her parents are like that." But then I read that you were 38! I'll be honest, you are old enough to make your own decisions. If you aren't happy with how things are going with your parents, change the situation. You're an adult. |
| posted by FirstTimeMommy on 06/30/2008 10:46 AM
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| Trust me I could if it were that easy. I own my apartment and I have a good job. It's not as simple as getting up and moving out. I want to make what I have work, I just don't want to be treated like a child, which is how I am treated when I go out there. |
| posted by Jacqui on 06/30/2008 10:51 AM
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| Have you tried telling your parents that? Do they have any reason not to trust you and treat you like that in the first place? |
| posted by FirstTimeMommy on 06/30/2008 12:23 PM
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Sorry I don't fully know what you are going through. I am mairred and raising my daughter with my husband but I do sometimes feel like I get liectures from my mom on things I should be doing with her and we live 2500 miles from her. Parents think they know whats best even when you don't live at home anymore, but I understand where your parents are coming from, they are raising your som right now and just want him to be safe and happy and you to.
I agree with the other post you might have to make some changes and get your son living with you again and express how you feel for some things to change.
Have you talked about maybe having your sons father about paying half for a in home nanny? I don't know it that would be cheaper than daycare. I did both and made a little more working at a daycare but for the nanny job my pay was room and bored.
I hope you can work it out for everyones sake. |
| posted by Anne on 06/30/2008 02:59 PM
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| SorryI dont know what you are going thru, but I would def. talk to them and tell them you are his mom and if things dont chang you may have to rethink the situation. It must be really tough though. Sorry you are goijg thru this |
| posted by Natasha on 06/30/2008 05:43 PM
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Hey guys,
Thank you all for taking the time to write me back!! It's nice some one to listen. I actually spoke to my parents a little while ago and it made things better. They insist it's not because the doubt my parenting skills, they just worry. About everything it seems sometimes. I told them to back off a little too. I'm going to try to not get so bent and enjoy my time with them and my son. He's only going to be a baby once and this situation is not forever.
:) |
| posted by Jacqui on 06/30/2008 05:51 PM
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hey Jacqui
shame that is quiet i tough one, but you must try and see it from both sides, you parents are only doing what is best for Michael & seeing that he does live with them full time, it hard to try and bring rules in to play... you wanting to do with your son as you please considering that you are his mother, but in the same breath your mom feels like his mom too & the sad thing is, is that your son does not know any better...
it is a very difficult situation and you'll really have to sit down and think of what you want out of your life & for your son's life. at the moment i'm sure you feel like he's sister because for now it is your parents that are playing the important role in his life.... BUT! he is still your son & no matter what you'll always be he's mom...
see i never went through this type of situation but my Brother did (half brother)... My father was married before and his wife just took off and left him with two children to care for, it was very tough on my father and he had to leave my sister & my brother with his mother, and they grow up with my gran till my Brother was 16 years old... it changed alot of this in both their lives & till this day i know my father would have wanted to do things differently...
Doll things aren't going to become easier sorry to say, but you need to speak to your parents & you need to tell them how you feel, it is very improtant & for now that is all you have is communication, i know leaving your life & moving closer to your parent isn't as easy as it's seem, but you are going to have to look in to that especially for yours & your son sake... it a big big choice to make... God Bless & may you find the answer to your challenge... and as far as your son's father goes, he is a real nasty person, i have better words to use but i choose not too.
just remember we are here for you & will support you step by step... Regards Angie
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| posted by Angelique on 07/01/2008 02:16 AM
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I can only tell you that you are have to swallow all of the feeling you might have in regards to your parents treating you as a teenager & feeling you're your son's sister, until YOU take charge and move in with you child. Until you do that, even if you feel like complaining to them, just smile and be quiet. They are doing for you a HUGE favor.
I cannot imagine, not even a bit, what you feel having to leave your son for a whole week or weeks at a time when daddy takes the weekend with him...I would go nuts!
I think it is extremely hard not to be able to afford child care...I cannot even imagine your situation.
I am sorry if I am judgemental, but you place yourself in that situation. If you want to be the mommy, then BE the mother.
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| posted by sonia on 07/02/2008 06:37 PM
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| Thank you to all who wrote again. My parents and I are still talking things out and dealing as life comes along. I know how very blessed I am to have them watching my son. I couldn't ask for better baby sitters. I have been rolling with the puches a little better, like when I took my son to the mall and my dad told me not to leave him unattended. I smiled and said okay instead of pitching a fit. I've also been stepping up to the plate more when I am there instead of letting them do everything. It's definetly a learning process and I am still finding my footing. I appreciate having you all there to listen!!! |
| posted by Jacqui on 07/07/2008 10:00 AM
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| I hate to be judgmental when I don't know all the facts but it's hard to be quiet when I am seeing a new trend with my friends, family members, and you. Apparently, people are starting to rely on their parents and in-laws as caretakers. It is a new trend that I really think is detrimental to the new generation at large. I have family members, friends, and acquaintances who have great supportive husbands and they too have good jobs but they CHOOSE to schlep their children to their moms house every day or to their mother-in-laws. What ever happened to raising our own children. My husband doesn't make very much money and we live modestly but I would gladly trade in my house, my car, everything to be able to spend every day with my son. Maybe you need to take a better look at your priorities and reevaluate your situation. This child was your choice; not your parents'! |
| posted by Heather on 07/14/2008 10:54 AM
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| Wow. Your response was amazingly judgemental. You have a husband to share the responsibilty of raising your children. I am by myself and daycare is expensive. Do you really think that I just dumped my baby off on my parents and is now complaining about it? Who are you telling me to look at my priorities? My priority is my son and I certainly don't have to justify myself to you. I have no idea what trend it is you are talking about. Single parents have been around for quite some time. Some of us need the help. You are lucky you don't.. |
| posted by Jacqui on 07/14/2008 03:53 PM
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| I know daycare is expensive, which is why I stay home and don't use it. I do have a husband that helps me financially, emotionally, and we have a 50/50 arrangement with my son. Do you think he was the first guy in line? It took me a while to find him. My mother was a single mom with no help from my father at all but she didn't expect my grandparents to raise us. She raised me and my twin sister all by herself, working two jobs, and waking up at 4 in the morning to spend time with us. If that is what it would take and I was a single mom; I would do it in a heartbeat. You have kids - YOU RAISE THEM! It was your decision to have them...not your parents'! |
| posted by Heather on 07/14/2008 07:57 PM
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hey ladies!
you both being very nasty and that is not what this is about, we here to support each other & just listen... Jacqui you need to realize just how lucky you are that you have parent to support you & take care of you son & yes i'm sure that it is hard for you & no one can completely understand how you feel or your situation...
Heather with all respect i think you are completely out of line, i understand where you are coming from and the point you trying to make, but you can not be so judgement or so nasty... there are worse people out the then a mom that depends on her parents for help, being a single mom is hard & having to ask your parents for help is even harder...
but i don't believe for one second that Jacqui doesn't love her son or doesn't want to deal with being a parent, i don't believe that is the case... and i'm sure if you could spend one second in her shoes you would have a different mind set... but what you doing is wrong & pointing fingers or compare Jacqui to others is not right, she is her own person & has her own reason for having to leave her son with her parent, and who are we to keep that against her or judge...
it is great that your mom did what she did for you, & i'm sure it because of you childhood that you feel so strongly about this...
but let me tell you something my mom was a single parent & i had to stay with my grandmother for a few years, but i can tell you one thing, there was nothing my mother would do for me. & even though i stay with my gran, my mother was always there & she still gave me everything i need... my mom went through a tough time in her life & thank God she had a mother to support her & take care of us... so if ther is anyone that has any experience about this it me and i have the best mother in the world and i love her with all my heart...
Poeple are not the same & your life is not as the next person's, but sorry Heather you can not be so judgement, not everyone has a perfect life & there is not one person that is perfect & i'm 100% sure that even you have made mistakes in your life... '
so please ladies don't be nasty to each other!!!
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| posted by Angelique on 07/15/2008 02:47 AM
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Jacqui
Good luck as you work through your relationship with your parents. It seems clear that you all care for your son which I believe will help things reach an optimal or at least more comfortable stage eventually
Heather
Don't be so judgemental. Everyone's situation is different and what works for one may not always work for the other. You spoke of your parents raising you alone without palming you off to grandparents but you are talking about a different time, probably different neighborhood, probably different jobs. Part of the reason Jacqui parent's seem so over possessive of her child seem to be because they really care. For some people no matter how old your own children are it is hard to see them for the adults they are and they may be attributing this to Jacqui.
Jacqui it seems likes you made a tough choice and chose to put Michael into a situation where you know he is well cared but which puts you at a disadvantage until you can redefine the situation better. I believe it would be more selfish of you to take Michael from that loving and stable situation for him to depend on paid daycare which as you said you are not very able to afford and which may not offer him the quality of care his gradparent's dole out.
You don't want this to be a permanent type of arrangement, but while you are in it keep your head high and look at it from the perspective that both you and your parents are just trying to have the best for your son.
Good Luck! |
| posted by Afihtan on 07/25/2008 01:30 PM
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