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| First Time Moms |
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| So i was over at a friends house for mothers day, my hubby was working nights that weeks. She is 23 with 3 kids, i'm 22 with a one year old. Her brother and his Fiance are staying with them until they get back on their feet, the fiance has 2 kids, they are not my friends brothers biological kids. The fiance's little girl is 3. They just moved here from seattle, and before they moved she was completely potty trained and now that they are here she is having accidents again. She had one while i was over at my friends house, she pooped while she was sitting on the couch and didn't tell anyone. My friends brother, i'll call him bob, was sleeping becuase he had to work nights, well he got up to "deal" with kiera. Mind you she's 3. He yelled, i mean really agressivly yelled at her and told her repetedly to shut up because she was crying and made her look at her poopy underware. Then made her stand in time-out for almost an hour. I left before he let her out of timeout so i really don't know how long she was standing there, but it was 45 minutes while i was there. I voiced my opinoin to my friends husband and to her as well that i didn't think it was approriate the way her yelled at this little girl. Her husband told me that i didn't know the whole story and i said i don't care what the whole story is, it wasn't right. Granted I'm not an expert on childcare but i can see that kiera is having issues dealing with the move and this is how she is coping. Well now they are all mad at me and won't talk to me but are telling my husband that i was out of line and should have kept my opinion to myself. Ok maybe i should have but i don't think i was wrong! I don't think he should have yelled at her they way he did. I'm very frustated about this and don't really know how to handle it. This girl is one of my only friends here and i'd hate to ruin our friendship over somehting like this. Anyone been in a situation similar or have any advice? If you think i was wrong please tell me, i can handle the criticism. I want to salvage my friendship! |
| Posted by Amanda on 05/25/2008 06:29 PM
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| The most important thing is that little girls well being and if you think their is something questionable than maybe you should have it looked into if you know what I mean. So the little girl is not the guys child (the one that yelled) ??? He should not be the one dealing with the situation, where was the mom. I live in O.K. and there is a case where the mother got life, her little girl was killed by her finance, she had repeated broken bones and bruises and the mother apparently did nothing, he is obviously in jail and so is the mother and now the mother is trying to get DHS records released to "prove" her innocense. Just because the boyfriend was the one that killed the little girl, I don't know all the details of the case but I see that little girls picture everywhere, doesn;'t mean the mother had no responsibility, SHE IS THE MOTHER!!! What was she doing when her child was getting broken bones and bruises????? The biological father was serving in Iraq when all this was going on, he is the one putting up all the posters and trying to get justice for his little girl now. I;m not saying this is the situation you are witnessing but if you think there is anything that doesn't seem right, screw the friendship and be concerned about the little girl, sounds like your friend should be a little more concerned to, if she is not maybe you don't want your child around that bunch anyway. |
| posted by amy on 05/25/2008 08:35 PM
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| One more thing to add, your friend is not the only one in your state, trust me there are a lot more people out there to hang out with that would think the same way you are thinking about the situation being taken way further than it should have in the case of this man and the little girl, so what if she never talks to you, you are only normal worrying about the little girl like any NORMAL person would. |
| posted by amy on 05/25/2008 08:40 PM
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Regardless of what the whole story was, if you honestly suspect physical abuse, report it. You can do it anonymously.
If you think this was a one time thing and you really want to salvage your relationship with your friend, I would just simply apologize and agree that you were out of line. If it happens again in your presence, tell them you are uncomfortable and excuse yourself and go home (then think about if this could be abuse and whether you should report it). |
| posted by FirstTimeMommy on 05/25/2008 08:52 PM
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| I agree with the above statement. How ever I do think in voicing your opion was a good idea, just think may be you doing that made that guy think of how he did go a bit over board I mean the yelling and the 45 min is a bit drastic. If something bad had happened after you left to her and you didn't say any thing just think of how much worse you would have felt for not saying any thing. |
| posted by Amber on 05/26/2008 12:05 AM
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| I feel so bad for this little girl, but my hub and my friends hub both keep telling me I don't know the whole story. And yes just to re-afirm this is NOT his child. Where the real dad is i have no idea. I don't think i will be going over there any time soon. I understand that this is her little brother and i would be defensive if someone said something like that to me about my little brother but I would never stand to let my little brother yell at a child like that. I would be the one saying something to him. I know there are other people in this state but I have a very hard time making friends. (maybe i'm to over opinionated HA) But thank you all for the support. I sent my friend a txt message and still nothing back so Guess we'll see what happens |
| posted by Amanda on 05/26/2008 06:16 PM
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| Time out: The acceptable of time for time out is their age in MINUTES if they are 3 it is 3 minutes. The whole idea for Time out is not punishment for a child, it is for them to reconnect to themselves! It is obvious that this man is abusive, and cannot competently handle the situation. The child probably is having trouble adjusting to the move. If he was some what nurturing he would have tried to help the child instead of being abusive. It is a difficult situation when the abusive party does not know they are being abusive, but I believe that what you did was right! Do you really want your child to be in this abusive environment anyways? If your friend/mother was truly a friend and mother she would have to understand you as a mother being appauled by the abuse of another child! Is there any possible way you can carry a friendship outside of her home so you wouldnt have to deal with the brother? |
| posted by Margaret on 05/26/2008 11:03 PM
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| You did the right thing. I would have said something and screw the relationship. If they don't see a problem with the way the guy handled this, I wouldn't want to hang out with them. Look for other friends. Meetup.com is a great place. Another thing you can do, if you want to stand up for what you did but smoothings over a little is write a letter to your friend explaining your view point. Be honest, but kind with your wording. Tell her how you feel about your friendship. True you don't know the whole story, but how many kids are abused...not just physically but mentally. I am glad there is some one out there that stands up for what is right. |
| posted by DB on 05/27/2008 08:27 AM
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Verbal abuse is still abuse and can be more scarring than physical. Yelling at a child, telling her to shut up, and making her stand in the corner for 45 minutes because she did something that is natural for someone her age is UNACCPETABLE. You were not out of line at all to point this out because like someone else said, maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing is abuse. However, it tends to be a short step from verbal to physical abuse. Where was the mom in all of this mess? And they are constantly saying you don't know the whole story, then ask them What is the whole story? What information are you lacking that is making this OK?
As far as your friendship is concerned, I have the same issues as you with making new friends; but i think that if someone isn't treating their child well, as a mother, I could not stand for that, nor for being around that person. |
| posted by Katie on 05/28/2008 05:21 PM
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| oooo do I agree again like I said, the mother yes were was she? Your friend as well as the mother of this 3 year old ought to be thanking you for voicing your opion in this sit and trying to stop the abuse in this situation for this Lil 3 year old.Knowing you would do the same for your friends child if you saw it being done to her child and she wasn't around at that moment. |
| posted by Amber on 05/28/2008 06:00 PM
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The mother throughout all of this was sitting on the couch watching tv and acting like it was all normal. I've talked this over with my husband and he thinks i need to but out and not tell other people how to raise their children. I can't get it across to him that i'm not telling them how to raise their child, just that what i saw i thought was wrong. She still hasn't called me so at this point I really don't care because i know i was right darnit!
When the brother first moved in, so i was told, he used to put the little girl in time out for most of the day. My friends hub said something to the brother and he said "oh ok" and quit putting her in timeout for half the day and went to an hour. Like i've said before I don't care what the whole story is.
While i was talking to the mother she said that she doesn't like the fact the her kids are always the ones that don't get cake at birthday parties because they are always bad. i wish i could tell this girl what i really think of her fiance. She's young like me, i'm 23 in june and she's 21 but still thats no excuse for letting someone "disapline" your child like that. anyway enough of my ranting, it just angers me more. But i want to thank all of you so much for your support on this!! It lets me know that I really did do the right thing by saying something, even if i didn't solve anything and lost a friend, i know i did the right thing. |
| posted by Amanda on 05/29/2008 11:45 PM
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If you had seen this child being beaten, instead of yelled at, would you have said something? Yes. Abuse is abuse. Emotional/psychological abuse is as damaging, and sometimes more so, than physical abuse.
This child is obviously not dealing well with the move, so needs a little extra TLC. A grown man who yells at a 3 year old little girl who has an accident needs a shrink himself. He has some serious issues.
Also, as for timeout. The standard that is accepted in all of the books I've ever read (and I've been reading a lot since I was pregnant with my twin girls) is about 1 minute for each year of life. A 3 year old gets 3 minutes - NOT an hour.
The man was wrong, and didn't like being called on it. However, I applaud you for having the courage to stand up to the bully (because that is what he is). I think the mother of the little girl could use a good talking to as well. And, if you suspect that there is anything further going on, I would recommend you not worry about the friendship (who wants to have their own children around people who treat their own children like this?) and report them to child services.
Once the little girl is hurt or (God forbid) dead - it is too late!
In any case, you were absolutely right to say something, and your husband should not only be proud of what you did, but should back you up 100%.
PS. You sound like a very upstanding person to come to the aid of this child. I'm sure that there are plenty of people where you live that would love to count you and your family as their friends. |
| posted by Michelle on 05/30/2008 12:40 PM
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No you didn't step over the line. You protected that little girl regardless of how your "friend" took it. And to be honest if that woman was okay with that child being treated like that in her home and it is something that bothers you- maybe she isn't someone you want to be friends with.
I know its hard making friends sometimes, but make sure you can live with the friends you make. If you have to change who you are and how you are to keep them as friends- they aren't real friends. And anyone who would try to justify those types of actions towards a child deserves whatever they get in life. |
| posted by Kate on 06/20/2008 08:24 PM
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