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| I have never had a dimiished drive, God help our family (we don't use BC). However, I had a friend who did and her dr. had said it is because bf depresses some of the "sexual/happy" hormones. It is not uncommon. |
| posted by Shanna on 05/13/2008 11:35 PM
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| I fully understand what you are going through. I just thought it was the stress of motherhood. I feel like I have been bf for 4 years. My son is 4 and my daughter is 9 months. I am hoping the drive will come back. |
| posted by lisa on 05/14/2008 01:29 AM
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| Yes your sex drive should kick in eventually - I had no sex drive while breastfeeding but once we weened it came back |
| posted by Lauren on 05/14/2008 07:44 AM
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Good question!!!!! Ha - my initial answer was going to be NEVER, but seriously though - it is so tough. I was having dinner with 3 girlfriends the other night - we're all married with children ranging in ages 8 months to 4 years, and this topic came up. None, I repeat none of us have any sex drive whatsoever...scary stuff. We discussed how sex can feel more like just another chore...you're not alone! On a good note, my husband and I just went to Mexico for a family wedding, and while we were there, we were able to relax some and yes, even have sex...it was nicer when there were no stresses around, ie...laundry, money, crying baby, etc...
Finding time to relax is key I think. Who knows when the drive will come back...hopefully someday soon. |
| posted by on 05/14/2008 10:38 AM
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| I did after our first child was born my husband went without sex for 6 months after our first was born and then we only had it once or twice a month after that. after our second child we had sex after 6 weeks but still didn't have sex all that much about once or twice a mont after him too but after our third child we both decided that we both need a new life apart from each other so we never had sex after our third but we both have new lives from each other I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend we are both wanting a divorce but he will still be there for the kids |
| posted by judi on 05/14/2008 01:15 PM
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| I'm pregnant with my second son, my first is 23 months, and this is an issue for us. It's a miracle we got pregnant again! (We used an ovulation predictor kit and I guess they're pretty accurate!) My husband is so frustrated, but with all of the details of motherhood, breastfeeding and pregnancy, it just isn't on my radar. It's good to read the other posts though. It's too bad that there isn't more out there about this because I'm guessing a lot of us are getting some grief from our husbands/partners about it. |
| posted by gia on 05/22/2008 11:32 PM
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| Oh man it's so comforting to read i'm not the only one torturing my hubby with sex deprivation! lol. I feel so bad sometimes but i just don't have the urge! Like another mommy said, it feels like such a chore, especially when hubby is wanting to get busy pretty much everyday. breastfeeding doesn't leave me much time to myself but hubby just doeesn't get it. i'm so glad other people relate. |
| posted by Mommy Perez on 09/03/2008 05:01 AM
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| With my first 2 children, I didn't have a diminished drive,but ever since I had our daughter 7 months ago, my drive has been zero also....I am wondering if it is my BC or hormones or something...Also, the bed is not really big enough,so my hubby usually sleeps in the living room...That never stopped us before though.....Any advice..... |
| posted by nicole on 09/25/2008 06:23 PM
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| For me its not that my sex drive has diminished but that I'm having a hard time transitioning from mommy to sex partner. I'll finish breastfeeding the baby, put him to sleep, pump and my husband will come in the room all "hey baby". I wasn't perpared for all the changes after pregnancy. My skin is different, my body is different shape and feeling, etc. I guess things just take a little getting use to. |
| posted by cecilia on 11/06/2008 02:52 PM
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I had my son 15mo ago. My sex drive never really went down as much as I had trouble transitioning from patient, understanding,breastfeeding mommy to sexy, seductive wife. But when I noticed this was becoming a problem I talked with my husband. I asked him if I could talk to him about us having sex. Every guy would say what he said "YA". So we sat at the dinner table and I told him I love him and that I would like to take care of him that way but that I was having some issues. I spelled it all out for him. I told him that I was feeling physically tired and worn out. That I was having a had time going from mommy to sex partner. And I let him know that it was NOT that I did not find him attractive, but that there was a lot of changes I was going through. You would not believe how many men would think that it is because they are not attractive or because they are not good in bed. He said he understood and I suggested maybe giving me a back rub or just making out with me, without the purpose of sex being the motive behind his attention to me, would help. After a few days of him surprising me with foot rubs and back rubs and helping me out with getting our son to sleep, let me tell you, during a little making out one night the urge came back. This all took place when our son was about two months old. My husband has kept up the surprising and the helping and he gets the loving. But let me emphasize this, It is NOT a you do this and you'll get some, because that is wrong! But it is him helping me change modes and get my mind thinking on how hot my husband is and not on the laundry or is our son cold with out his blanket. And always remember we are wives first mothers second!
God Bless
Hope that helps |
| posted by D on 11/09/2008 03:08 PM
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Ok ladies, here is the science on all this stuff:
Prolactin: causes us to lactate, but, lowers sex drive.
Progesterone: higher in nursing mothers, lowers sex drive.
Estrogen and Testosterone: imperative for an active sex drive; unfortunately, lowered in women who are breastfeeding.
I had to constantly reassure my husband the first couple (ok, 10-12) of months after I had my son that the issue was hormonal, and had nothing to do with him. This may be too much info, but I think the ONLY reason he believed me is because my vagina actually looked different. It looked deflated and pale due to lack of estrogen. So, luckily I had physical, to go along with the medical, proof about my lack of sex drive.
I'm still breastfeeding my 16 month old (maybe briefly 2-3 times/day). My sex drive has improved, but still not to where it was pre-baby. And, I'm 25 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy has caused my drive to increase, but not to the same level as when I was pregnant with my first son.
Sorry if I gave you too many details Malena. |
| posted by Allison on 11/15/2008 11:25 PM
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Oh, and Lauren, I try to tell my husband that none of my girlfriends want sex, but he does not believe me at all. A lot of them are intimate 1-2 times per month, and he just can't wrap his head around that. Once again, without relating TMI, I feel my husband and I are in line with the average couple who do not have children when it comes to intimacy (which is a miracle in and of itself). Now, this may mean intimacy comes at weird times of the day, and doesn't last as long, but we try to stay connected. It's hard for me because I just want to relax, but I know it's important for our relationship.
Men just don't get the multi-tasking thing and that we actually have other things on our minds (plus we need a break). We got into a discussion yesterday about women who think about what they need to do after having sex, while having sex, and he almost threw a gasket. He could not phathom that some women think of things other than sex while having sex. I feel like I might have burst a bit of his bubble. |
| posted by Allison on 11/15/2008 11:37 PM
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| Haha! Too funny - then maybe I shouldn't tell my husband that I'm thinking about the grocery list while we're gettin' down, hehe. :) |
| posted by on 11/16/2008 10:48 AM
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I am still almost exclusively breast feeding my 15 month old, who almost has a full set of teeth she uses - so, honey - NO, I have no more life energy left to get amorous and sexy. Sex is like downtime I cannot afford right now. For the first time in my life, I would rather watch grass grow, or roll over and sleeeeeep. hehe
My poor husband never brings it up, but looks dejected enough to send me on a guilt trip whenever I have the bandwidth for guilt feelings. He keeps mumbling about how having sex is a good way to burn calories whenever I talk about getting back into the gym...but as sorry as I feel for him, I honestly don't have the energy. If the baby biological work load was more equitable, or, if sex was a 30 second deal that required absolutely no effort on my part, perhaps marital sex would not suffer. But as it is, sorry boys!
-Indrani (mom to sweetie pudding bubble pie Sanjana) |
| posted by runa on 11/23/2008 04:28 PM
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I am sorry if I offend anyone with my response and it may be different for me, because I do have a higher drive than most. In our house we have a rule, there is NO denying intimacy (unless baby awake on leg, or something). We are very traditional in our roles in our house. I stay at home and take care of the kids and he works to provide so that I can. It does not matter how tired or not up to it I am, it is my job as a wife to take care of my husband. That means taking care of our house, our children, and our needs. Our marriage and any marriage needs intimacy. I am sure there are days he doesn't want to go to work or he would rather sleep himself, but in our marriage it is not about us. It is about making the other person happy. I know that I would not be able to see my husband wanting me and needing me and just go about my night. I live to make my husband happy. He lives to make me happy and our friends and family think we behave like newlyweds. I hope I have not offended anyone, but I think to many times today, we turn it to be all about us, but it's not!!!
P.S. We have 2 children 35 months and 10 months and they sleep in our bed/room. |
| posted by Shanna on 11/23/2008 09:31 PM
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that's awesome, shanna! good for both(all) of you!
perhaps someday we can get there. but for now, even though i do not financially contribute to the householdour roles are not traditional and non-intersecting.
however, in spirit, i hope we can get where you are at. i think the fatigue that i have been going through given my baby's nightly awakenings overtakes any good intentions i might have ;))
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| posted by runa on 11/30/2008 12:46 AM
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