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| I have been divorced for about 6months, but sometimes I still feel married. This is due to an ever present ex. I understand he needs to be around for our daughter (2 yrs old next month), but he keeps insisting on complaining to me about his life and blaming me for it since I filed for the divorce. Quickly: I was married for 3 years and started the separation when our daughter was one (exactly). Her first birthday (he and his parents ignored her) and the fact that she was having behavior and night teriors was the last straw (so to speak). No to mention the fact that I never felt loved (think the last time we were intament was when I conceived), I was going through post partem (abc?) and he complainted to ME that I was moody, and we always faught and HE spent EVERY DIME! Enough of that. that was just to show the divorce was for GREAT cause. But how do you move on when the ex wont let you and I am trying to keep the peace for my daughter? HELP!!!!!!! |
| Posted by on 05/13/2008 06:35 PM
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Hi Kimberly,
How about always being too busy to talk? Set boundries about conversations, they can ONLY be topics that concern your child? He is unhappy with his life, and you have become his sounding board? Maybe he is hoping you will want to get back with him, just so HE can be the one to say no this time? The greatest saying I have ever heard is "Watch what you wish for, you just might get it"... He got what he wanted, and now, just like a child, he decided it isn't what he thought it would be? He will only talk to you about these things if he KNOWS you will listen, cut it off at the beginning of his whining... As you said, he wants to blame you for his horrible life.. You have to decide not to let him drag you down.. If he actually thought about it, he would have to admit that he was also involved in the reasons for the divorce.. OH NO!! Some people just don't want to recognize that they are/were also at fault.. Hang in there, talk about it, and stay firm in the "Stop whining to me" decision. After he sees you not being interested (only when it concerns your child), he hopefully will make the decision to move on.. You have to be the one to stop listening though, don't let guilt enter in.. That can be a trap, since you may feel too much responsibility for the break up of your daughters home?? |
| posted by NannyGr... on 05/14/2008 08:21 AM
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| Thanks for the great advice Pauline. I know I need to just put my foot down and stop the whinning. The only thing he has over me to get me to listen is in the divorce decree (abc?) he gets our daughter over nights on the weekends. But she is not comfortable and not ready for that. They few times we did it she started having behavioral problems and acting out again. I know she is only two but she made it VERY clear she was not ready to spend the night with daddy without mommy (or however you would word it). So finally he agreed it would be in her best interest to wait until she was older and ready for overnights (thinkings was about 3). Now that those visits stopped she is so much happier and back to her playful and good natured self. But every time I say or do something he doesn't like he threatens to go back to the overnights since "it's HIS right." Like his daughter's rights and wants don't matter. My mom said, and I agree, I just have to weight the options and one day it will get to the point that I will just have to let him take her and deal with the concequesnces (abc?), meaning her reaction to not having her opinion listened to and valued. I dread the day! |
| posted by on 05/14/2008 02:29 PM
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| It's hard to deal with an ex like that, I have never figured out why people use their kids as weapons (your ex, not you) to hurt..? Do you have a counselor that was assigned to your case? If so, start a diary today, documenting EVERYTHING that has happened in the past and keep it ongoing.. Make sure you keep accurate records including dates, times, things said, witnesses, ect. Keep it in a safe place, and don't let him know that you have it.. That way, you have documentation in case your counselor would need it.. The first year is the worse, hopefully it will get better for you. Right now, he is using what ever he can to you.. YOU have the right to choose not to play into his hands.. Don't give him power over you.. You sound like a great mommy, and right now she is the most important thing in all of this.. I am sure you already know that.. As for as power, each and every time he can get you upset, he will (in silly words) "puff-out".. That simple is a phrase that means he feels like a bully... So, you take back your power, let him get his own!! There is a great book called "The Four Agreements".. Get it and read it at least twice, tab the pages in there that talk about not taking someone elses "poison".. Simply put, people who are insecure and miserable will try to give you the misery that they live in.. You decide that you will NOT take it.. You choose to be happy, let him be what he want's.. Keep a smile on your face when he is around, and always have "something" urgent to do when he tries to bring you down to his level of unhappiness... Watch how quickly he reacts to the smiles.. Treat him as you would a child throwing a tantrum to get their way.. After all, isn't that exactly what he is acting like?? |
| posted by NannyGr... on 05/14/2008 03:20 PM
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| I agree with the last poster...limit things. My son's father would do things all the time. He has this idea that we can be friends...not right now! Even today he is telling me about how he is already seeing a girl...uh, I don't want to know that! I don't want to know what you are doing with this girl! agh. It is SO hard. We have been broken up for 6 months...but I am still not comfortable with knowing about his personal business. He is not a bad guy...but he sucks as a boyfriend, dad, and friend...maybe one day he will be a good guy. I don't want him back...but I don't want to hear about his relationships and sex life right now! agh. He drives me nuts. I have told him SEVERAL times that he needs to talk to me about Jayden only. But...he doesn't care. He knows how to tug on my emotional strings...I just have to gain the strength to NOT give him that power. |
| posted by Elise on 05/18/2008 09:37 PM
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| Your are right. We MUST take back the pawer. But even when I try to be nice with him for my daughters sake it backfires. This weekend he had is boys and was saying again how he doesn't get to see his daughter enough so I let him come over for a few hours with them under the conditionthey would behave. Now I am trying tothrow my daughter a birthday party with her playgroup and he won't let me have it on a weekend, because that's HIS time. Eventhough he comes to MY house to see her. He insists I have to have the party on a weekday. I asked him how I'm suppost to do that with work and he basically didn't care. He just said, " I knew you only let me and the boys come over for your gain." I never even had her party in mind when I told him he could come over. But there is NO reasoning with him and I already bought the party supplies. He is such a F*^% S*^%! Excuse my french. |
| posted by on 05/19/2008 01:25 AM
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Your daughter will not know the date of her party, have it on another weekend before or after... Stop letting him get to you, it's revenge and that is not a good way to bring up your daughter.. I know I sound harsh, but honesty will do you more good than what you have now.. You are letting him get to you Kimberly, and that has to stop or you will get sucked into a world where you are not happy.. It is your choice, stay where you are or get out of it!! Change the party date, have a wonderful time, be happy and forget about his tantrum..
I see a pattern here and it's not good.. |
| posted by NannyGr... on 05/19/2008 08:33 AM
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Your daughter will not know the date of her party, have it on another weekend before or after... Stop letting him get to you, it's revenge and that is not a good way to bring up your daughter.. I know I sound harsh, but honesty will do you more good than what you have now.. You are letting him get to you Kimberly, and that has to stop or you will get sucked into a world where you are not happy.. It is your choice, stay where you are or get out of it!! Change the party date, have a wonderful time, be happy and forget about his tantrum..
I see a pattern here and it's not good.. |
| posted by NannyGr... on 05/19/2008 08:33 AM
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| I know how you are feeling! Pauline is right...the pattern isn't a good one...but I am right there with you! I try SO hard to just get along with the ex...but it is HARD! Especially when he asks to come see my son and when he gets over he asks to take him back to his mom's house. Normally I wouldn't mind, but my son has a lot of health issues and gets sick all the time and we are forever at the dr office, hospital and now seeing specialists...so I don't want my son around 3 YOUNG children that live with his mom...not to mention the 3 CAGED pitbulls that reside there as well. Once I tell him no he throws a fit and continues to ask me to bug the crap out of me. I know that he is doing it to see when I am going to give in and let him just take him. But he doesn't understand that my son has only been around GOOD dogs that are part of people's family (and not caged)! So my son LOVES dogs...he is too young to understand that you don't stick your fingers in a cage...he just wants to see the doggy. If my son's father was responsible and watched him-I mean really watched him instead of letting him play with whatever then I would feel more comfortable. But I don't. And I am not going to knowningly put my son in that situation...and to top everything off...15 out of the 30 deaths in Chicago so far in the suburbs have been from the town that they live in...the last thing I want is for a gang fight to break out and have my son caught in the crossfire! agh. It is frustrating. But he said today that we need to get along better and be nice to eachother for our son's sake. I told him that once he begins to be a little more mature and understand my concerns and why I ask certain things of him...then we can get along. He wants to be friends...I am not sure I am ready for that. I think we can get along and that is about it...for now! |
| posted by Elise on 05/19/2008 02:47 PM
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Both of you sound like wonderful mommy's!! Just keep in mind that is true, and that you both need to do the right things for your children..
Think about this scenerio..
A person (friend) would like to take your child to a house that has caged pit bulls without you being there.. Would you let them do that?? You are thinking of putting your child in a daycare type house setting, they have caged pit bulls.. Would you put your child in that house?? I bet not because you know it's not safe.. So please don't feel guilty about making the RIGHT decisions for your child(ren)..
Remember, smile first when your ex's want to fight or argue.. That always throws them off kilter.. lolololol... |
| posted by NannyGr... on 05/19/2008 03:35 PM
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| Thanks for all your kind and helpful words Pauline. Just for the record he gets EVERY weekend, so I can't switch to another. But he came to his sences this morning and gave in. How do you do it? How long have you been divorced. I am trying your advice to just smile because I want nothing more then to confuse and frustrate HIM. But.... You must be really strong and patient or have lots of dents in your pillow. LOL |
| posted by on 05/19/2008 04:16 PM
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| Thanks Kimberly.. To be honest with you, my divorce was alllll the way back in 1986.. I am 56 years old, have 3 grown children and 2 step children now, with 4 grandkids.. I am the full-time nanny granny to my 22 month old grandson Kinser.. I guess I pull from my own experience for advice?? I never wanted my kids to go through the battles of a divorce, they didn't deserve it, so I try to convince people to just not stick them in the middle.. I know it's hard, I had LOT"S of issues with my in-laws at the beginning and it took being friends with my ex to stop the fighting.. We worked through the "stuff" because I never wanted them to end up on Oprah telling the world it was my fault that their lives were screwed up.. lololol.. Seriously though, you don't have a choice, your kids didn't ask for the divorce, and you can't use them as weapons to hurt each other... And, you do have to make sure that you don't allow anyone to bully you in life.. As I said, make sure that you don't take in the mean things that people say to you.. Smile, and walk away.. Nothing irritates a bully more than to be made to look like an idiot.. People sometimes resort back to being a child, stomping their feet, screaming, throwing a tantrum, ect.. Then, we as humans start to think that they have control over us.. They can ONLY control you if you let them!!! It took me years to figure that out, it wasn't easy, but it works.. I know that for a fact.. If you take just a little bit of what I say then I feel good.. Know that you are a good mommy and a good person.. So, what else is out there for you??? The absolute happiness that you deserve.. My daughter is now divorced and I tell her all day long what a great mommy she is.. It's not easy to believe it sometimes, and with an ex like hers that gives her crap, it's gonna be a constant battle.. Just keep up with your life in a positive way, and you will be fine.. |
| posted by NannyGr... on 05/20/2008 08:37 AM
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