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Not worries. I had the same feelings when I had to stopped working bc of my babysitter. Now I am expecting our baby #2 and feels very tired. He is good helping me, make an arregement with him. Its being working good for us. He is a lawyer so you know how many hours they work but He says my job is worst and more difficult than his. It make me feel better.
It was very bad the first couple months to ask for money, eventually you will be fine.
Enjoy the time with them. Talk to him about the things you dont like. It is NEW so its better if you talk straight about everything otherwise will be worse later.
You need to be happy!!!. |
| posted by Angela on 05/07/2008 11:28 PM
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| thank you at least i know i am not crazy...well maybe a little :) |
| posted by Theresa on 05/07/2008 11:31 PM
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| NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are not weird for feeling taken advantage of or hating to ask him for money. I am recently a stay at home mom again and it is an adjustment to staying at home verses working and having your independance. i used to be a hairstylist in California, so i definently know what you mean about being used to having your own money. im new to this online group and actually did not not plan on being on the giving side of the advice, but when i read your question i just had to respond. i definently want to reiderate to you that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. you definently need to have a serious discussion with your husband and tell him how you feel. if there is anything i have learned in the close to ten years i have been married is to always tell him how im feeling. although it is true that by choosing to stay at home you have excepted the full responsibility of taking care of the home and the kids and your husband. at the same time he has taken the responsibility to make the money AND taking care of the KIDS and YOU. marriage is an equal partnership. remember this is an adjustment for both of you . he needs to learn what your new role really means and you need to know what his role really means. always remembering that will help. also may i suggest to start having him watch the kids for small, short errands you can do by youself, that will help relieve some stress. remember to thank him. maybe even give him a couple of hours to go out with his friends"to releive his stress". in exchange for a couple of hours one night with your friends"to relieve your stress. our men will usually give us a little when were willing to give them a little. |
| posted by littlemommycece on 05/07/2008 11:49 PM
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LOTS of people feel that way. We are so programmed that we have to be productive that we forget there are other ways of feeling productive.
You might remind your husband that he is the father of his children, and you are not asking him to BABYSIT, you are asking him to take primary parenting responsibility for a short time. Which is absolutely his job as he fathered the children.
It might also help to calculate how much he would be paying outside help to do everything that you do. One day in a fit of frustration I wrote down everything I did in ten minute increments, like I used to do as a CPA. I couldn't believe how much work it looked like at the end of the day. If you tallied that all up you'd make over $100K a year (and there is a link on the Today show website that will verify that for you). So consider that everytime you "ask" your husband for the money that you are earning by giving him a luxury lifestyle. And perhaps you can charge him extra for the Coke cans he leaves laying around -- especially if your children are of an age where they would actually hurt themselves with the cans. :)
Good luck. I hope this is a temporary, easily resolved situation for you. My dad was like this my whole life and my mom just put up with it, and it is definitely not an example you want either of your children to grow up with. |
| posted by Cindy on 05/08/2008 12:42 AM
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| You are not alone girl. What I did was sit down with my husband and explained to him what I do all day with the baby and doing the "motherly/wife" duties. I told him some of the stuff I need help in doing. I was lucky, because he understood the first couple of times. Also, your man not wanting to watch the kids for any reason isn't cool with me. He helped create them right? So he should help take care of them as well. One thing we do is switch off the night routine with each other. One night he'll do it another I will. That allows us time to get stuff done we can't during the day or just time to relax. Nothing is wrong with you girl, we as women all go through it I think. Hope this helped. Hugs, Jamie |
| posted by Jamie on 05/08/2008 12:50 AM
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I think husbands are like this in some way or another. NO NO NO don't feel bad. I like the suggestion of taking turns going out. I did not go out for a long time when my daughter was born and it took a toll on all 3 of us:)
One thing I realize is guys don't think a lot of the little stuff they do when they do it. Most of them had mothers who always cleaned up after them so they just do those little things unconciously (the coke). I laughed when you said the watching the tv and leaving the coke because my husband does the exact same thing. When I talked to him about it was like this huge high voltage lighbulb clicked on.
Communication is all you need. The thing I think that is really important is you talk with him about the time he does or does not spend with the kids, it is very crucial. The kids need the interaction with him just as much as they do with you. You did not get married and have a baby to be a single parent, it was to have a family. He works all day and so do you. Maybe make a certain night of the week each that you have a "free card" you can make plans with freinds or just go for a walk, it will definately aleeviate the stress and tension.
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| posted by Cindy on 05/08/2008 12:52 AM
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nothing is wrong with you. i hated asking my husband for money, too. we finally came up with a system that works for us: he "pays" me every friday by depositing a certain amount in my bank account. he does not ask how i spend it, but out of that money i pay for food, clothes, gifts, things for the house. it's now very rare that i have to "ask" him for money, and, even then, it's a discussion of what's important to us as a family.
the refusing to help with the kids. . . maybe point out that he gets BREAKS from his job and you'd like a break. schedule some time alone. my dh is MUCH more appreciative when he's spent some time alone with our sons. the first time he was alone with them for an hour he said "how do you DO that all day?" |
| posted by Christina on 05/08/2008 07:11 AM
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No way!,
You are not weird at all. I have been a sahm for 6 years this month and still feel that way, but once I communicated to him what my needs are, he understood! So like some of the moms have said, communication is definitely key.
Good Luck;-) |
| posted by Amanda on 05/10/2008 03:53 AM
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| Nothing is wrong with you. We all go through that. I know I felt weird asking for money. What helped me is to realize that a stay-at-home mom's salary, if she were to be paid, would be equivalent to almost $200,000. Did you know that? Also, the money he makes, is also yours, because you are also working and make a valid and important contribution to the family. If you didn't do what you do, he wouldn't be able to do what he does. As far as helping your husband becoming more helpful and understanding of you and what you do, I don't know what to say. Maybe have him take care of the house and kids for one full day and let him see how hard it is? That usually works. Good luck! |
| posted by on 05/10/2008 11:04 AM
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| What great advice from everyone! My hubby had a hard time with me staying home too. I used to be the big-money maker in our family until I was laid off just before I was due with our first kiddo. Luckily, hubby got a better paying job and we could afford for me to stay home. I let him make the "rules" at first like you are discussing, but then I got so depressed with being overworked and under appreciated that I had to do something. So, I have been doing some consulting work 1 day a week that has me leave the house for the whole day on a day that my hubby doesn't work. The first time I did this, he absolutely freaked! He called me every few minutes for what to do questions. My coworkers and I got a big kick out of that. Now, he offers to let me sleep in on his weekends and to put our son to bed too. He also cleans the whole house once a week! I guess I am the lucky one, but it seems like your husband needs to be a mommy for a day to see if he can do it. Right now, I think he thinks you have it easy... Good luck!!!! |
| posted by Lisa on 05/10/2008 05:23 PM
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| I am a stay at home mom 6 months prego with baby numba two and there have been plenty of times where not only my husban has this behavior but his sister with her bey bey kids that live here as well.I made it clear how hard i work around the house and how inconvenient it is to live with someone as inconciderate as them selves.There's been times when i've confronted my husban in tears because of the preasure i felt and the the complaining everyone was doing but wasn't doing anything to help out.You and me are different but they know just as much as i do now, that if they can't help out then i know what's best and that is taking care of my own on my own. As long as we don't say anything to make a difference nothing will be different.Things will continue to get worse and the excuses and emotions will keep building up untill you decide what makes you happy and how u gone get it and hopefully by then u still have the motivation to pick your self up and say ''untill u respect me;you can wipe your own ass".I just hope u aint in an abusive relationship by then and if so i pray that u know your options and never think to your self that you can't do it. |
| posted by Kristy on 05/10/2008 08:32 PM
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| Oh and the asking for money part,If he aint buying more then your face wash and shampoo, let him know what's up.You are no ones pet and having money not only gets u the things u want and or need,but it gives u confidence;so if he wants u to be confident in him, he needs to spread the butter and break off some bread because only ants live off crumbs.I'm not tryna say ask him rudely or demandingly, cuz most def he wont care, but tell him what u need and how u feel when u have those things.If he don't care about your happiness then he needs to stop being so damn greedy with a flower that he can't water. 'If u get my metaphores' |
| posted by Kristy on 05/10/2008 08:42 PM
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| Sounds to me like hes having issues w you not working.Sounds like to me that he is paying you back for not making any money.Id leave his azz w the kids for a few hours and let him see what you do isnt so easy as he thinks it is.I d make him see that staying at home isnt fun and games like he thinks it is.He got that she stays at home and sits on her azz attitude.Id fix it before he gets worse on the taking advantage of gets worse.Did yall read that post I put in here about what does a sahm do all day.Id do that to him!Dont pick his stuff up when he leaves it lay.Let it pile up for a few days and show him your not his slave! |
| posted by Lexi on 05/11/2008 10:22 AM
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| That works or me Lexi.I might feel like things going to be out control and the house gone look worse when i get back but i know that it's for the mean time and i would never walk out on my family for good.If he feels his job is what holds you're family together, Theresa; then remind yourself why you're still with him.If him staying at home for a few hours burns his fuse then we know he wants to do what's only convenient for him then maby he deserves to be on his lonesome and maby he's not as responsible as he makes him self out to be.Once more;communication is the key and so is his friendship. |
| posted by Kristy on 05/11/2008 10:23 PM
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| My husband does the same thing as far as leaving cans, dirty dishes, clothes, etc. laying around and some times he will take my dirty plate in and put it is the sink with his. I think sometimes it depends on the mood. As far as the money thing, he gets an allowance of $80.00/wk.if he gets a 40 hour week in. Any overtime and he gets $100.00/wk. His check is directly deposited and he takes his cash out with his debit card. The rest is mine to pay bills and buy my gas and groceries. Anything left is fun money for the weekend. I do agree with everything everyone else said about watching the kids though. They are just as much his as they are yours. Mothers need some alone time just as much if even more than fathers. We need to keep our sanity! My husband can sense when I need time to myself. It is nice even when he takes them outside to play in the garden for 10 minutes. A little here and there is great! |
| posted by jen on 05/12/2008 04:53 PM
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I haven't read everyone's response but I agree with the feeling. I have been a sahm for 12 yrs now and it gets harder and harder to admit it. I love the fact that I am home when my boys get off the bus and the kisses and hugs I get..but I feel like I should be contributing financially somehow. I have tried to get a part-time job around here but it is really hard to find someone who will hire a sahm these days.
My husband is gone to work(24/hr shifts) and when he does come home he just wants to relax and watch TV. He feels the same way that your husband feels about putting in their time at work and that when they come home they just want to relax. I try to give him his space before I tackle him with the responsibilities he has at home.
The boys and the house are my responsibility because I do stay at home but my husband does need to watch them too.
My husband and I went to a marriage conference this last weekend for our anniversary and he is starting to help out a little more at home now. It will take him a long time before he gets it right, but at least he is starting to try.
If you want to know more about his conference..you can go online to celebrateyourmarriage.com
Rebee |
| posted by Rebecca on 05/13/2008 10:55 AM
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