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| I cannot leave the room without my 13-month old daughter crying. She refuses to play alone and insists I be by her side. If I go anywhere else to cook, clean or whatever, she's crying. I try not to give in to her crying and continue with what I'm doing, but lots of times she'll walk right up to me, pull at my leg and cry until I pick her up or sit next to her while she plays. I even warn her before I leave and tell her where I'm going and that I'll be right back. I don't know if the fact that she's had trouble coping in the past when her father, who is in the military, has left on deployments. She won't even sleep alone in her crib anymore (though many say I need to let her cry it out all night until she finally learns to self sooth and sleep on her own). What can I do to teach her to continue with whatever she's doing even if I leave the room without her freaking out? |
| Posted by on 04/27/2008 06:40 PM
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| Oh, I am so sorry. Mom to mom, "HANG IN THERE!" Personally, I learned to say the heck with what people think, if I were in your shoes, I'd cuddle her all the "cuddle" time she needs. It's your love and protection, not sugar and video games, I don't think there is a limit, you won't overdo it. I'm not on the wagon of making our babies so independent. Every baby has different personalities therefore wants, needs, and developments. I don't think it's worth the effort to treat her unaccordingly to her tempermant. It's just my opinion, "GOOD LUCK!" |
| posted by Candice on 04/27/2008 07:18 PM
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| i was always told to let them know about an hour to an hour and a half before you leave the room that your going to be leaving the room just be in the next room over cleaning and that she needs to stay in the room playing so she don't get hurt. and i also let them cry it out at night once they got that old i also put my kids in their cribs when i was cleaning so i knew where they were and not have to worry about stepping on them under foot put a few toys in her crib and let her play in her crib don't give into her every wimb |
| posted by judi on 04/27/2008 08:14 PM
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| Cynthia, I know from experience how exhausting separation anxiety can be. My son, now 20 mo. went through it and it was so wearing at times. I do have to say, that he did outgrow it and I am of the belief and was of the belief that he needed that closeness. As I understand it, they go through a phase where they really don't know that you will be back. I believed that if he was truly worried that I should be caring and supportive as he went through that developmental stage. He was stuck to me like glue and it was very hard on me at the time, but it passed. I kept telling myself that someday, he was going to tell me Mom get away from me, I don't want to be held, carried, hugged etc. I'm a big boy. My view, snuggle her up while you can and help her through this time. It will pass, I promise. Hang in there. |
| posted by Charlene on 04/27/2008 08:57 PM
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I know that many "mainstream" parents won't agree with me, but I don't think that by cuddling and hugging is giving in to her every whim. I have a 2 and a half year old daughter and a three month old daughter. The two year still follows me around and ask me to "hold her" She is constantly "underfoot," but the way I look at it is she is only going to be little once. I will cater to her every whim and I will hold her every time she asks, when she wants to help with dishes and get water all over, I will let her. The way I look at it is....I work for her. I am a stay at home mom, my full-time job is to make her and my other children happy and to take care of them. During the day it is their time.She was my choice, I choose to have her and while there are days when it would be easier to just be harsh, yell at her, or make her sit in some device I have to make mysef remember she wants to be close to me because she loves me. I just post-pone what I am doing for the house i.e dishes, cleanig, cooking until her daddy gets home and he helps. She helps me with laundry, dishes, sweeping, and dusting.
Our daughter still sleeps with us in our bed. When I ask her why she doesn't want to sleep in her bed she simply tells us...she wants mommy and daddy. Our daughter is very well behaved, she listens when she is told to do something, can sit though a nice dinner out and walks next to me any store that I go in without trouble. I think that it is because of the way we parent. I will not be the parent who lets her child cry it out, they are crying for a reason. They are not animals that need to be trained they are my children and I need to be trained. A child only ask for what it needs.
My three month old doesn't want to be held or cuddled all the time. She enjoys the crib and laying by herself. I will cater to her as well. If it changes.....
You have to do what you feel is right. Why does your daughter need to self soothe, when she grows up aren't you going to help her soothe her ouches and her heartbreaks? Why make her self-soothe now.
Also, my husband and I were both in the military and while never deployed while we had our children, my uncle has been three times. His youngest didn't understand who he was at that age, she just knew all of a sudden that there was this fun man who liked to hold her a lot.....
My best advise is to cater to her every whim and enjoy it, think of all those who want children who can't or those who have lost children and can't hold them anymore, or even the soldiers who deploy and can't help even though they would love to.......
Hope this helps. |
| posted by Shanna on 04/27/2008 09:48 PM
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| My now 11 year old daughter had that problem when she was around that age or younger. I would sit her in the crib and she would just cry and cry and cry. I did three things: make sure she was fed, changed, and spent time with her. I had to bite the bullet and just go and do what I had to do. When I got done, I would go and check on her, pick her up, hug her, and talk to her and then put her back down and go back to what I was doing. It was hard at first for both of us but it got easier as time went on. |
| posted by Gail on 04/27/2008 10:50 PM
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Hi Cynthia,
I have really enjoyed reading this thread! I don't think that you are doing anything wrong. I don't remember who wrote "they will only be young once" but they are so RIGHT! You will never look back at your daughter's childhood and think "GOSH if only I had gotten more housework done"... My 18 month old daughter is okay being in seperate rooms from me, but she does NOT like being left with a sitter. In general, it doesn't bother me. I guess that my concern is about when school time comes. Will she be okay being at school without me all day? Am I making her socially inept by not forcing her to stay at home with people she doesn't know as well as mommy, daddy and grandma? Are these the kinds of things that worry you Cynthia? These are my concerns.
Maybe there are more moms out there who can let us know how their "clingers" did when it came time for school. I am willing to bet that things worked out.
I don't really have advice except to enjoy the fact that you are providing your daughter with support and love and she knows it! Do you go to play dates? How does she do with other kids?
I guess that I should add that we did let my daughter cry it out in her crib. It only took a few days to get her to sleep through the night in her crib - none of us were sleeping until that happened. But only you know what's good for you. She won't be 16 and sharing a bed with mom and dad... |
| posted by Annemarie on 04/28/2008 09:25 AM
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| I'm sorry to hear that your little one is driving you crazy, but please keep in mind that this is just a phase and it will pass. I know what you mean, but I'm going through this with my 2 1/2 year old. She doesn't want me to leave her even to go to the bathroom. This past year has really been hard on my daugther, b/c I've had to leave her with family due to my youngest child's health condition and then my husband and myself separated right after Christmas, so she's scared to be left alone. I've talked to her pediatrician and he told me to be patient with her, reassure her that mommy's always here and will always come back, and do special things with her to make her feel special. My little girl is getting better, but we still have some problems from time to time. I hope things get better. |
| posted by Johnnia on 04/29/2008 11:26 AM
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| Thanks everyone for your advice or input. It was very helpful. And to the woman (I forgot the name, sorry) who was in the military as well as her husband..thank you for what you said..brought tears to my eyes. It's hard for me to know that with this next deployment, my daughter will most likely not know who her daddy is when he comes back. We're gonna have her watch a video of him reading and talking to her, have her look at his pictures and stuff. But at her age, you never know. I also know that the first month after he leaves will be hard on us both. We'll both be clingy to each other! :) |
| posted by on 04/30/2008 03:27 PM
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Cynthia,
Mu uncle left for this last deployment when our daughter was 10 months old. I changed my screen saver to his picture and we talked about him whenever she saw it. She started asking to see uncle Toddy. When he came home she was a little apprhensive (the pic was him in fatigues and he was wearing civies) after I told her it was uncle Toddy and he was just in different clothes, she ran up to him and gave hime a hug. She still walks around asking to see her Uncle Toddy. She was 22 months when he came home. It is very difficult, but there is an unspeakable bond between soldir persons and their spouses. Good luck! |
| posted by Shanna on 04/30/2008 07:07 PM
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Cynthia,
Just a note on keeping memories in childrens minds. My family is far away and a friend told me that she put photos of far away family on the refrigorator in those plastic frames that are magnetic. That way kids can take them off and look at them any time they want to. I've done that with my son. We have several pictures on the frig. He takes them down, carrys them around and puts them back. It seems to have worked really well. He knows everyone up there and always knows just who they are when they come to town. You have to be careful with magnents and children, so watch her if you use them. They are glued on really well, but I still watch. |
| posted by Charlene on 04/30/2008 08:48 PM
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| I have heard playing peekaboo helps. We gradually move to playing from room to room. She stayed in one room while I would go out and play around the doorway. It seemed to help. We would hide longer and longer. Some of the problem is age. They will outgrow it eventually. There are days though that I just let them cry and when I was done they got the attention they wanted. |
| posted by Dawn on 05/07/2008 10:41 AM
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| this is such a tough thing. my son plays independently but only because i had to leave him every once in a while to cry b/c he wouldn't even let me go the bathroom without him or take a shower. my husband worked from 5:30 in the morning to 7:30 at night and while i am not worried about housework getting done, i do need to cook for my son and to do those,t he had to learn to play independently. i would love to live in a world where i was able to cater to his every whim, especially when he is little, but there was no one else to make his meals for him. it was me. and, i don't hink there is anything wrong either with wanting a half hour or so for yourself either, because i think it makes you a stronger parent. i am not going to be able to offer advice except to just support you and say that i know you will do the best you can and if you choose to let her cry a bit or whatever, i don't think you will harm your child at all. whatever you do will be the best for your child! i hope i at least helped you feel better even though i don't have great suggestions for you! |
| posted by Lalitha on 05/07/2008 12:01 PM
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| My situation is a little different. My husband is gone to work 24hrs then comes home to a 6yr old and a 9yr old maulling him. When my husband is not home, my two youngest boys are really good for me; but when my husband is home they turn into monsters to me. My husband cannot do anything without them following him. They will also pit my husband and I against eachother because my husband will give in to them and I try to do what is best for them...I feel like I am being backed into a corner...What can I do to cope..my husband doesn't see a problem..Rebee |
| posted by Rebecca on 05/07/2008 11:19 PM
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| thanks for all your input everyone. |
| posted by on 05/08/2008 10:52 AM
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