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| Step Families / Blended Families |
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| I will soon be a step mom again to a 10 yr old boy. I have had 20 yrs childcare experience and raised two stepkids from a previous marriage who are now 12 and 18..a boy and a girl. We aare having problems due to realationship with the child's mother. She is very verbally and physically aggressive towards poeple in general. She is saying negative things about his father and myself duing visits and when he returns all the head way we have gained prior goes out the window and we start from square one...over and over and over. We don't talk negatively about mother but at times we find ourselves in defense mode with topics brought up by the child towards us as a result of things mother has told him. We are having many problems and have tried all techniques my 20 yrs has armed me with...but nothing has worked and I feel I am fighting a loosing battle. Father is not verbally or physically aggressive nor am I. The 10 yr old has issues with authority of any kind and mom has been telling him things to the effect of "you don't have to listen to them, if you get mad...runaway and come see me, ..beat her up......if anyone at school says anything about you or your family beat them down." etc. When dad takes him for visits mom calls police and tries to get dad arrested but the police don't ever believe the stories she implies. The child came home after Spring Break and said he hates us, he wants dad in jail and me dead. his father nor I fear for our lives but we see the manipulation and scheming she is doing with this poor 10 yr old confused little boy....and by us allowing him time with mother we are being verbally and sometimes physically abused and at home time is mostly spent in crisis or damage control. Help...am I the only one that feels like my efforts are like hitting a brick wall? I love him so much and want to help him we,ve tried counseling but he says what he thinks they want to hear or what mom tells him to. I don't want the visits with his mother to stop because that is his mom but I need help trying to deal with him during crisis mode until he can see for himself the games. We don't want to call her up on the lies and give him the impression that she is lying because right now that just adds fuel to the fire and gives the mother more control and power over the whole situation. |
| Posted by Lana on 04/22/2008 09:06 AM
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| May I ask who has custody? If it is joint, maybe you need to seek the help of a lawyer to get sole custody. You have some help by her making false calls to the police, she is endangering the welfare of the child by her slander and her actions. If your husband does have sole custody, maybe again talking to a lawyer about having some papers drawn up regarding what can be done/said during visits with mom, or that it has to be in public place or supervised. Its a sticky situation being a step mom,,,you try your best but until the child matures they sometimes can't see the truth. Keep being there for them as much as possible, and continue to not stoop to the moms level. He will get whats going on..eventually. Hang in there!! |
| posted by Angie on 04/22/2008 02:02 PM
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| thank you so much Angie. Sometimes it's just nice to hear confirmation and validation so I don't feel like I am loosing my mind. I've been a step parent before and they were put through some of the same by their mother. The difference was it was shared custody and the children were not so angry. In my current situation Mother lost custody and all rights to her 3 daughters and one son. Long story....but My husband found out that one girl wasn't his after he had custody of her for 4 yrs. She was put up for adoption because mother didn't want my husband to have her. Father had custody of 2 girs and the boy but after visits with Mom they began being hateful and told dad they would run away if they couldn't live with mom. Against his better judgement he allowed it and after 3 or 4 months they were in state custodt(only the girls). That was 2 yrs ago and the boy has been with him the whole time. recently she pulled some kind of miracle and got temporary custody of the girls on a trial basis. She's had them for one month and is trying anything and everything to get the 10 yr old. There are a lot of head games she is playing with the kids. It's just hard to watch the hurt in the kids. She has made trips to his school, tried to disenroll him and enroll him at another location, Father has full custody and through the girls proceedings the ad litem advised the girls be reunited with the father but the judge sent them to Mom. As far as the boy...Father has full custody and no court order at this time for any vistitation. I drew up a vistation agreement for both to sign so that we could ensure his return at the end of visits...but she refused to sign it and fater in good consience doesn't want to keep his son away from Mom. Our problem is that I feel like that may be the only way of saving this 10 yr old boy from further damage as well as saving him from possibly being in juenille as a result of his behavior. |
| posted by Lana on 04/22/2008 04:40 PM
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