 |
|
|
|
| Parents of 'Difficult' Children |
| Public online group |
|
|
| |
|
|
| I will soon become a step mom again and I am encountering obstacles I have never had with my future 10 yr old stepson than I have had in 20 yrs of childcare and raising my stepson and daughter from a previous marriage; who are now 12 and 18. is there anyone in the group that has issues with talking back, lack of respect of others, physical and verbal aggressivenes towards peers, grownups, and has no ackowledgement of any type of authority. I am exhausted and at my wits end .....help |
| Posted by Lana on 04/22/2008 08:44 AM
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
Wow, sounds like you have your hands full. Does your step sone have resentment because you and his Dad are getting married? Are there other issues that he has? My suggestion to begin with would be to let his father deal with dicipline. (that does not mean that there is any reason to accept disrespct from him) but if there is resentment because of the marriage, it may be difficult for him. I don't know your situation but he may really be hurt because his mom and dad aren't together. Is he seeing a counselor? That may be a first step if his behavior is truly that bad. Is he having these issues at school and at home? Are there times that they are worse than others?
I do not have personal experience but I am a special education teacher and it definitely sounds as if he has anger issues. You may even see if his father may request to have him tested at school by their psychologist. He definitely needs some boundaries and consistancy. Maybe even look into a big brother program or find an uncle or friend that may be a more neutral party that he is comfortable with.
I hope that this helps some. Good Luck.
Jen |
| posted by Jennifer on 04/24/2008 08:18 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| I too am dealing with a great amount of disrespect from my son, who will be nine soon, and have found that some of these ideas have helped, slowly yet surely. I and my husband(who is a stepparent too) would agree that the issue should first be handled by the father, he is the one who needs to show that disrespect of anyone will not be tolerated. Beyond that I would suggest ignoring any comment, request, or question that is made in any way that could be considered disrespectful. Also, there should be a loss of privledges, allowance,etc. At his age he should understand that people who do not know how to be polite and respectful get nothing in life, and that includes jobs that pay well enough to have privledges and spending money. It is important for him to understand that in the "real" world that kind of behavior gets you nothing. Lastly, is to make sure that repect is being practiced by adults in his life. Many of us (myself included) are so stressed that we too become impatient and annoyed and say and do things like get mad at the person in front of us who is driving too slow, the cashier at the store who messed something up, etc...kids always seem to learn our WORST habits. In the end try to understand that this is a hard thing for kids to understand and some of the behaviors have to do with that, when there is divorce and stepparents kids can feel like everything is out of their control, this shows up in the form of anger and aggression. Just show lots of support and understanding and have faith. It was very hard for us at first, it made me even question my choice to get remarried, unlike my niece who loves her stepmom and has from day one. These days all 3 of my boys think of my husband as their 2nd favorite person after me and even if they don't like his rules, they all look up to him and repect him (but this took 4 years) |
| posted by Tina on 04/25/2008 09:48 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Thank you so much for your response. I too have background in education and have dealt with many challenging children and have been a step-parent once before to 2 children that are now grown. I've tried to allow father to handle situations first but usually that ends with the child getting exactly what he wants. Dad and I are working with rules, boundaries, and respect of himself as well as others. Problems he has at home with us, when he is with his mother, and at school. we have a contract at home with violations and consequenses. Our problem lies when he makes an inappropriate choice that leads to a consequense he doesn't care for. He tries to bargain, argue, play sides, and that is where dad and I have our issues. Dad gets frustrated and wants to give in and I don't feel that giving in does anything but teach him to continue the inappropriate behavior. He has been in couseloing through school and privately but it hasn't seemed to work as of yet. We usually end up with him cussing us out and threatening to run away. |
| posted by Lana on 04/29/2008 10:00 AM
|
|
|
|
|
| You are right, if dad gives in and lets him have his way, he will only argue more and louder the next time. Consistancy is the key. Good Luck! |
| posted by Jennifer on 04/29/2008 07:00 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| As long as he knows that someone will give in he will never ever follow the rules, even if that person only gives in some of the time because he sees it is that the consequences are not set in stone, merely a possibility. Unless the ground is held 100% of the time, nothing will change. Does he have many friends, or does he seem to have trouble getting along with others his own age as well? Has your stepson been diagnosed with depression or bi-polar disorder? Children with bi-polar show different signs than adults, and many times it comes across as being difficult or defiant. Right after my oldest turned 10, he went from being difficult to out of control. He would become angry over the smallest of things, curse, yell and threaten to run away. You said you have worked with children for many years so you have probably already thought of this, but thought I would suggest the possibility. |
| posted by Tina on 04/29/2008 08:19 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Thank you so much for your words.....He does have problems with children/peers. He can be playing football, play wrestling, etc. and if he accidentally hurts another, he expects the child to be understanding of that but when it is reversed he assumes the other child purposelly tried to hurt him and he becomes comando mode. I have found that he has difficulty with empathy and understanding the concept that his world, his feelings, his needs and desires are important but so are everyone elses'. Hebelieves and acts as if rules do not apply to him, he gives peers, all authority figures, total disrespect but in turn feels he is owed the respect of those same people. I'm doing alot of praying and evaluating all aspects. Thank you for your thoughts. |
| posted by Lana on 04/30/2008 09:22 AM
|
|
|
|
|
| I hope that something can be found out for his sake as well as yours...becoming a stepparent can be difficult in the best of times, and overwhelming in more difficult times...I would definetly continue any and all forms of counseling, it allows for a third party or "outsider" for him to talk to, and hopefully develop a trust for, whose opinions he may be more willing to listen to and trust, my oldest really cares what his therapist thinks of him and has to say, and except when times are really hard he does try to do what she suggests. With the rest of he just ignores what we have to say, even if it is the exact same thing his therapist says..good luck |
| posted by Tina on 05/03/2008 06:50 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| I too have a problem with my husband giving in to my difficult,strong-willed boys. I have an older boy who's 11yrs that is not very close to his dad but my younger two are very close and get away with a lot when he is home. My husband will put the "responsibility" on my oldest boy and won't make the youngest two do anything because they don't want to and put up a fight. I have learned that my husband cannot deal with conflict and will take the easiest way out(this is usually having my 11yr old do things because he does things right away without fighting). I understand how difficult it is to try to control a child like that..I will keep you in my prayers..Rebee |
| posted by Rebecca on 05/07/2008 08:44 AM
|
|
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
