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| To be quite frank, I 100% do not agree with spanking. I believe that if you have to get physical with your child to discipline them, then the parent lacks in communication skills or that it is an ego thing. My reason for saying ego thing, is that when I speak with a parent that agrees with spanking they always end up saying that they are the parent and that the child is supposed to listen to them or to live in fear of them. I don't believe that children should live in fear of their parent, but I do believe hey should respect them, but I do think that children will respect you more if you don't physically discipline them. I was never hit as a child and I have a GREAT relationship with both my parents and I will NEVER raise a hand to my child. |
| posted by Sarah on 04/06/2008 01:58 PM
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Ok why is it that you think you will need to spank your son??
But I will give you view, I said I would never spnak my children, but one day I had, had enough and I spanked my daughters bum, and I felt so bad that I called my husband at work crying. Have I done it since then? Yes once or twice, but for a good reason, I don't believe if you should do it all the time, but if needed and it is the last resort. Our son just turned a year and I can tell he is going to be a handle full, he is into everything but we start young and keep saying no when he gets in to the DVD's most people we talk to say well move them. And my thought is no, they can be taught not to touch things that they are not to be touching, you can start now! |
| posted by Jeanette on 04/06/2008 02:10 PM
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I 100% believe in spanking when it is necessary. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse. I was taught by my mom to never spank with anything other than your hand because if you use an object you don't know how hard your spanking but with your hand you know by the way your hand feels. I believe the gross lack of discipline in our youth today is the main reason they are going bad and are very disrespectful. I didn't talk back to my parents because I knew I would get smacked and it also taught me respect for my elders.
Hope this post doesnt offend anyone it is just my views on the subject. |
| posted by Jessica on 04/06/2008 02:24 PM
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| My son 2 yrs old and I have spanked him maybe three times in his life so far, when no other form of communication seemed to work and have realized it does not work for us. I smacked his hand once and said a firm, "no," when he kept going after something he shouldn't have had and for about a week afterwards, when he disagreed with me, he would smack my hand and say, "no" so, that kind of backfired. Any other time I have spanked him, it simply has not done anything to correct the problem. The only thing that really works for us is a real conversation and time outs. I agree that today's children severely lack discipline and that's probably a good reason so many find themselves in such serious situations at such young ages. I also agree that respectful children are in the minority. If spanking, within reason, works for your family, (barring any evidence of abuse) I don't think it is my place to judge however, I do think that the best way to teach our children to respect us is show them respect. Either way, good luck with your little guy! |
| posted by Melissa on 04/06/2008 02:58 PM
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| Spanking is never necessary. With a degree in psychology and working in the foster care system, not too mention three kids, one of whom is definately ahand full, spanking does not work. It is cruel and from a psych percpective, it teaches nothing positive. All that it accomplishes is fear, sneakiness and that it is ok to hit. Spanking is a control thing. If a parnet can't control themselves and not hit their children, whom are defenseless, then what else will you do? What else will be ok? And I have noticed that no one thinks it is ok to hit prisoners, who do unmentionable things, but a poor child who is still learning what no means it is ok to hit? By the way, spanking is punishment, not disapline. Disapline teaches a child self control. Spanking just teaches the child not to do things and get caught. |
| posted by jackie on 04/07/2008 10:03 AM
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| WOW! Jackie! I have never agreed with anyone as much as I agree with you now! My mother in law believes that you should spank children because they don't know better and you are trying to teach them a lesson, and I said to her so does that me I should be able to spank you because you know better and you still continue to do what I ask you not to do. I hear ALL the time when a parent agrees with spanking that they are trying to teach them a lesson and they aren't listening, so does that mean if a school teacher is teaching a lesson and the kids don't listen to her does that mean that the teacher can haul off and spank them? If a teacher did that then she would lose her job. I mean if a husband and a wife are fighting and the husband goes and hits his wife, that is considered abuse, but thats not the case with helpless children, and if the kid hits their parent back then the child gets into more trouble for the same thing that the parent just did to their child. Spanking is so stupid and I think any parent that can say they spank their children should be ashamed. |
| posted by Sarah on 04/07/2008 10:31 AM
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| I just wanted to say thank you! There is nother feed for this dicussion and I was bashed for giving my opinion, which is what was asked, and I also gave my professional opionin and Physh views. I was accused of haveing all the answers. I just posted back that I didn't undersatnd any justification for spanking when there are so many other effective ways to discipline. I guess they just take too much time to do and hitting is easier. |
| posted by jackie on 04/07/2008 10:40 AM
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| I totally agree with Jackie! My mom spanked until we were 16 years old! I have a horrible relationship with her now and all I can see when I look back at my past is the times she hurt me by spanking. I remember while she was spanking just thinking how much it hurt and how much I hated her for it. I would never want to do that to my child. I think there are way better ways of communication than physical abuse. |
| posted by H on 04/07/2008 10:58 AM
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Jeanette, I know that one day I will need to spank him because he is already(even at 4mos) acting like me and I was a handful. I know that once the word no and everything else doesn't work that one good pop on the hand will make stop.
Jessica you took the words right out of my mouth. There really is a fine line between spanking and beating.
The key word here ladies is 'necessary'. I was brought up with spanking, and I got spanked maybe twice ever but I learned that I better listen and not do whatever it was. I mean believe me I, and my husband both agree that spanking is a last resort. We both want to try everything else before we spank.
Jackie you can not tell me that kids who never got spanked in their life still didn't sneak off and do things that the parents told them not to do. I think there are draw back to both sides. I think that either really works, I have seen it both ways. I was spanked as a child and I respect and get along with my parents wonderfuly, I think I respect them more for it. BUT I have a friend that was never spanked and turned out great also. But she wasn't as much as a handful I was when I was a child either. |
| posted by Amers on 04/07/2008 11:45 AM
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| I'm not trying to be mean, but I think maybe you should talk to someone (professionally) about how you view yourself. It seems like you are projecting your feeling onto your child and anticipating him acting out because you did. He is 4 months old for goodness sakes. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/07/2008 03:39 PM
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| So you don't think that kids take after their parents even if they don't want them to? and do 2yr olds try to grab everything in site? does a child act out when a 2nd one is born? the answer to all these is in most cases yes. So I do believe at some point in my childs life I might need to spank him weither or not he acts like me or my husband. BUT like I've said before spanking is a last resort, we will try everything else before we spank. |
| posted by Amers on 04/07/2008 05:08 PM
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You are right, your child very well may have your eye color, may share a hate for peas and may even have your temperment. Those things are all genetic. When it comes to how your child behaves and responds to normal discipline (warnings, time outs, etc.) those things are environment. It's your parenting (and in your case how you were parented) that is the determining factor. If you set guidelines and are firm and consistant they is no need to spank your child.
Right now I think you should be spending more time planning family meals together and picking out books to read to your son rather than planning ahead for when the time comes to spank him. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/07/2008 10:47 PM
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I'm not sure why there are 2 different discussion boards with 'Spanking'; but I'll copy the post I wrote on the other board.
I have a 9 month old son & decided way before I ever got pregnant that I would not spank my child. This decision came from raising my dogs. I have never raised a hand to any of my animals, and they have all turned out very well behaved (positive reinforcement was the key here). Now, I completely understand that a human child is different from a dog; but I cannot IMAGINE my son doing something inappropriate and me swatting him. I was spanked when I was little and it NEVER worked on me. Yes, I stopped what I was doing at that moment, but it never changed my long-term behavior. Also, kids are very smart. They learn that you will spank them at home, or at a relatives, but not in public. I agree children need to know that there are consequences for their actions, but don't most of you parents want to know that your child will act appropriately whether you are there to spank him/her or not? I doubt that most parents who choose to spank are cool with other people spanking their child. So if spanking is the only way your child will stop a certain behavior, you must be willing to let other spank your child, right? If there is a flaw in this logic, please, let me know. |
| posted by Allison on 04/07/2008 11:34 PM
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| I totally agree with spanking. All three of my sons have been spanked. I spank ONLY for DIRECT disobedience. Once they are old enough to know what I expect from them and they WILLINGLY choose to disobey...then, I spank. I have tried time out, sitting down and discussing it with them and many other "positive reinforcements". For my oldest son, they work. For my younger two, they do not. It all depends upon the child, I believe. Also, each of my sons are warned prior to getting a spanking. We try other options to get them to obey first. If they continue to disobey then, they are told that the next time they do that, they will get a spanking. I would never just walk up to my child and spank them. I was spanked as a child and my mom is one of my closest and dearest friends! I have nothing but respect for her and how she and my dad raised us. It all comes down to what you believe in your heart to be right. Some agree with it and some do not. Do not let people make you feel guilty for spanking your child, if that is what you believe to be correct. If you do not believe in spanking, then don't view those of us who do as if we are beating our children or have no self control. In fact, spanking should only be used WITH self control! You should NEVER hit a child out of anger!!! If you do....you've crossed the line to abuse. If you cannot spank a child while being in complete control of yourself and your emotions, then you should NOT spank ever! Well, you have received many sides and opinions about this! Do what you think to be the right thing to do. Just remember that God gave you that precious life because he knew that YOU (your personality, abilities, lifestyle, humor, career, etc.) are the best person (or people, if married) to raise that child. |
| posted by Amy on 04/08/2008 09:37 AM
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| you may rationalize spanking as an adult, but at the momment it happened you were not thinking thank goodness i was spanked! as a child you think that you were humiliated and hurt by the ones who should love you. there are ten thousand ways to not resort to striking a child. consistancy is the key. maybe you have a great relationship with your parents, but i bet it would have been better if they had not spanked. repect is earned, not enforced through fear. just out of curiosity... what are spankable offences? kids are supposed to test limits, that is how they learn. and if they learn that hitting is ok, because they will overgeneralize, you are not helping your child in the long run. some one has to say enough is enough, and i hope that mass. passes the law to make spanking illegal. some native americans believed that hitting a child was one of the offences because children are a gift. and you should be honoured to be their parents. i truely believe that. |
| posted by jackie on 04/08/2008 11:19 AM
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| I truly respect everyone's opinion here, but there is another thing I need to know from the people who choose to spank...Do you spank your children in public (grocery store, mall, etc...). I NEVER see kids being spanked in public anymore because to the general public, it does look a bit barbaric (even a tiny swat on the hand). For the most part, it seems to me that society is ushering away from that form of discipline and refuse to allow it in public. This is why, when a parent does spank in public, many sideways glances are given from others; and, in some cases, the authorities are involved (this is usually reserved for the more excessive cases). Anyway, I was just wondering about this, so spankers, please speak up. |
| posted by Allison on 04/08/2008 12:11 PM
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| I do not spank in public. First and foremost, I try not to discipline my child in front of most people. I don't want to "embarrass" my child in front of friends or relatives so, they will be taken into a different room and disciplined unless another person is involved. Ex: taking a toy away from another child, speaking "mean" to another person, disrespecting an elder, etc. But, for the most part whether my son is going to get a spanking or not, I still discipline in another room. I think that most people don't spank in public due to the fact that you never know who is going to say something to you or to your child. And there is that fear that you may have your child taken away or DCFS called or sent to jail or something absurd like that. If I saw another mom spank their child in public, I would simply go on with my business. Now, if that child had been HIT or BEATEN, that is a whole nother issue! But, I believe that most people that choose to spank, are fully in control and use it appropriately. That's my opinion. |
| posted by Amy on 04/08/2008 01:22 PM
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Also, in reply to Jackie. I never thought that I was being humiliated or questioned my parents love for me because I was spanked. I knew that I was being spanked for something I had CHOSEN to do. I knew that I would receive a spanking if I chose that action. I also knew that my parents loved me and BECUSE they loved me, they spanked me. As I got older, of course the spankings stopped....as they should but, I still chose to do things that I was not supposed to do. It isn't like I was spanked for EVERY offense that I committed. But, I'll tell ya what....it was a WHOLE lot more tempting to committ that act if I knew that I was just going to get a lecture or sent to my room or TV time taken away or something "minor" (in my opinion) If I knew that I was going to get spanked for doing it....I would reconsider and weigh my options!
As far as being spanked having an effect on my relationship with my mom....there is no way that I can say that I'd have a better relationship with my mom if she had not spanked me. I don't know that our relationship could get any better. I love her deeply, respect her highly and consider her my best friend. I have NEVER questioned her love for me!!! My mom was doing exactly what Proverbs 22:6 says (my favorite verse by the way) "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it." My parents taught us through discipline (verbal and non-verbal) how to live and what was right and what was wrong. My parents were not perfect parents but, no one is. They did the best job they could and knew how to do. I had a great childhood and love both of my parents with my entire heart. |
| posted by Amy on 04/08/2008 01:34 PM
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Jackie
When we say spank we don't mean pull your pants down bare bottom and just go to town we mean a quick pop and 'no' attached and ONLY after everything else has been done AND never NEVER out of anger.
You keep saying that the child is learning that hitting is ok, well by that logic then everything that they show on TV is ok, or if the parent smokes/drinks/swears is ok for the child. You have to teach the child right from wrong BEFORE you ever introduce spanking. If the child KNOWS that what he/she is doing is clearly wrong and they have had time outs for it and everything else but STILL does it then a spanking in order. As Amy said "Once they are old enough to know what I expect from them and they WILLINGLY choose to disobey...then, I spank"
No child thinks that what you are doing to them is fair. Do your kids say 'thank you for that time out, I really needed it' or 'wow I was out of line thank you for that talking to'? If your parents told you no as a child I'm sure you thought that it wasn't fair and didn't like it. I'm sure that when any child gets into trouble and gets yelled at (what they think is yelling but just a stern talking to) they are scared. Grounding isn't fair to a child, time out isn't fair. NOTHING the parent does is fair to the child so of course the child is always at some point going to be scared or in their mind hate the parent, that’s childhood.
Allison
As for in public, it depends on what the child is doing. If I saw a mother give her child a quick pop for doing something she’s told them over and over and over to NOT do then I won't say anything(as long as its not in the face) I mean it is her kid, she has the right. But if I see someone hit their child repeatedly then I think I would say something. I mean there is a fine line between abuse and spanking and abuse, in any form is horrible. When I was a kid and if I acted out in public I was taken to the bathroom and gotten a talking to, then if I kept on I was taken back to the bathroom and I got a spanking. I would hope that parents would teach their children manners and to respect their elders and to do what their grandparents/family/baby sitter told them to do. I don’t' believe that anyone except the parents should spank them but if my son was old enough to know right from wrong and did something they told him not to I'd expect them to do everything else.
As a parent you aren't required to be your childs 'friend' you are that childs parent, the boss, and you are the one that tells them what to do. No child until they are grown will understand that what you are doing, weither it be time out, spanking or whatever, is fair. The child until they are grown will more than likely not like you; sometimes they say they hate you. Every child thinks that they know it all and that what they want is best for them so when you don't let them do whatever it is they are going to not like you.
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| posted by Amers on 04/08/2008 01:41 PM
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| I would have no problem what-so-ever verbally disciplining my child in public in a calm manner. I definitely believe this IS what society expects us to do. The fact that (I believe) most spankers will not spank in public really says something. Like I mentioned before, it reflects the fact that society is changing and no longer finds that form of discipline acceptable; not to mention that research has shown it is an ineffective form of discipline. Children are disciplined verbally in public all the time. If your child goes to pre-school, grade school, or college for that matter, he/she will be disciplined openly if rules are broken. I agree with whoever said children are constantly testing boundaries (I think it was Jackie). To swat your child for doing this is disrespectful to the child and a valuable opportunity to teach a lesson is lost (even if you have to try several different methods). What if one of you mom's who spank did something your husband (or any family member) had previously asked you not to do and you got swatted for it? Wouldn't it embarrass you and make you feel stupid? I, personally, would feel more upset and mad rather than thinking, "Ok, I learned my lesson on that one." Additionally, someone said spanking should never be done out of anger. I can't imagine being calm, cool and collected after my son has disobeyed me, then swatting him. That would break my heart. I never want to see the questioning look in my child's tear-filled eyes that say, "Why did you just hit me?" But these are all just my opinions. |
| posted by Allison on 04/08/2008 01:52 PM
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In response to what you just posted I just want to say that yes it is wrong for parent's to smoke or swear in front of their children. They would in fact be setting a bad example and I don't think that worked in your favor to compare those situations to your defense of chosing to spank your child.
Here's what I "hear" when I read your post: My child is a know it all but I am the BOSS and when he gets out of line I will just pop him.
What you are saying is a throw back to a far different time. There have been many great parenting books written since then and I suggested you read a few. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/08/2008 01:55 PM
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I'm gonna respond to a couple comments. I am a teacher (or was), and I would never think about spanking someone elses child. However, I would call you and EXPECT that you were able to disipline your child in a way that would change his behavior if the means I had didn't work. I don't really care what the means is as long as his behavior no long effect the other children in the classroom.
Secondly, I think spanking is ok. I had determined that we would use it with our 1 year old as warranted. Mainly at this point by slapping her hand when she went to touch something hot or an electric socket and she did not listen to redirection. It has seemed to work about as well as redirection. This week however I have changed my mind. She has begun to hit others and myself when she doesn't get her way. When I have slapped her hand back she does start to cry but thinks it is a game. It seems to be just as effective to say NO firmly and move her away and not show her any more attention. She then cries and crawls over to me and puts her head on my shoulder and when I say are you sorry? she gives me a sloppy old kiss.
The bottom line is this... each child is different. None of us can know what is best for other children other than our own. If we all had 5 kids we would each have 5 ways of disciplining them. So until you get that child that "needs" another form of discipline don't caste the stone. You might one day be the teacher or the more of the other child that is wishing that that parent could "do something with there child". :) |
| posted by Katie on 04/08/2008 01:57 PM
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I told myself that was okay to spank my child, after all I was spanked by both of my parents with everything ranging from their hand to a belt to a woodenspoon. I was even tossed into a wall and grabed up by my thorat a few times, and none of that ever worked for me. I will admit that i was a real hand ful and am adhd. i just would not listen to my parents for anyreason, and now like my mom told me that I would get paid back when I had a child of my own, and i am. But I have spanked not to hard just enough to get my daughters attention, and it has not worked so I have since stopped and am currently seeking other forms of disiplain to work. time-outs don't work and nither does loosing a fav toy for the day. But i have found out that giving her stickers for everyday that she is good and telling her that she can earn a new toy at the end of the week or something that she likes to do that she is more likely to behave then before. I am open to any suggestion anyone has to help me disiplan my daughter.
jaimie |
| posted by JAIMIE on 04/08/2008 02:45 PM
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| if people are afraid of spanking in public, do you ever think there is a good reason for it? I also love how people only quote the bible when it suits them. If you actually listen to what Jesus said, turn the other cheek, do unto others, suffer the little children... but all you hear is the parts that Jesus didn't adhere to himeself! Spare the rod and all that. Christianity is was a message of love and understanding, not revenge and control. Spanking a one year old? There are still babies!!!!!!! Again, no one mentioned anything about what I said before about how if your husband hit you for disobedience, even if he warned you, would that be ok? Everyone knows that you should not hit animals, they will eventually bite you back. And if you have great relationships with your parents, everything is great in your life, fine, but I do not beleive you are the majority. I have worked with broken children and let me tell you, they are a gift that need nurturing, not hurting. Everyhting in life is a choice. Make sure yours are ones that at the end of the day you can live with. I know I won't change anyone's mind, but hopeful I can get you to think. just because it was good enough for you, is it good enough for your child? don't we want better for our children, not just good enough? |
| posted by jackie on 04/08/2008 03:03 PM
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| I just want to comment to the teacher who thinks it's okay to spank. I'm guessing you teach for a public school which only further makes me question the educational system. Ofcourse your child started to hit back and thought it was okay, that is what you taught her. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/08/2008 03:03 PM
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| Jackie, if your husband told you to go sit on the stair for several minutes...would you? If he took something of yours away from you because he was upset with you, would you tolerate that? Children and adults do not have the same mental capacity or vocabulary. You can't compare apples to oranges. |
| posted by Amy on 04/08/2008 03:17 PM
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| I'm sure because we are all SAHM's that most of us have seen the horrific video of the teenage girls who lured one girl to a house and all beat the crap out of her for allegedly writing bad things about these girls on Myspace. When one of the mom's of one of the girls who did the beatings asked what she thought about what happened she answered, "The girl shouldn't have written bad things about the other girls on Myspace." I can only guess that these teenage girls who beat up this one girl had parents who believed hitting was an acceptable punishment based on the mother's comment to the media. Is this really how we want our children to grow up and behave. Now, all the girls who lured the one girl to a house and beat her up are being charged with battery and unlawful imprisonment. |
| posted by Allison on 04/08/2008 03:23 PM
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| Amy, I know you directed your last post to Jackie, but I'd like to answer. You are correct in your logic that children do not have the same mental capacity as adults; so, sitting in the 'naughty corner', or having an item taken away would not work. However, it is our responsibility as parents to lay down the foundation (without spanking) so our children do grow up with the mental acknowledgement that wrong doings or disagreements are settled without spanking. Since their level of understanding involves having a favorite item taken away, or having 5 minutes of timeout while everyone else is playing to demonstrate that there are consequences to actions, this is where one has to start. Whether one is an adult, or child, getting swatted is getting swatted. It still hurts, is embarrassing and inevitably creates anger. I remember the last time my mom ever 'swatted' me. I was 12 years old and started to go at her like I was going to hit her back. I think this really scared her and she never spanked me again (and I was in no way beaten as a child). There's always going to be a time when the child retaliates to physical discipline. The last thing I want is a slapping, kicking, biting, spitting toddler or child on my hands because I started out with spanking as a disciplinary measure. |
| posted by Allison on 04/08/2008 03:38 PM
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| isn't that what prison is? We as a society are taking away their freedom for wrong doings? And actually, my oldest does talk to me and will say she needed a time out. She would voluntarily do this at preschool when she needed to. Her school also has introduced a program designed to help children recognize their feelings and how to resolve things with their peers by such means as giving themselves time outs and talking. She is now in kindergarten. I don't have wonder children, maybe slightly more empathetic than average, but my kids are pretty average. If you condition them early about right and wrong, they will learn the intrisic value of doing the right thing. That is what you need to teach them, to internalize what is right and wrong and they will put that back into the world. |
| posted by jackie on 04/08/2008 07:11 PM
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| uhm Amers, I will just say that for someone who just "wanted to know the views on spanking." you sure are defending your point prett hard. I mean, who cares if one person thinks spanking is horrible, and another thinks that it worked on them, so it will work on their kids. if you just wanted to know the views, why are you arguing about it. i mean i have heard you say at least a dozen times, never when you are mad, and only when nothing else works... yet everyone that said they would never use spanking,still isnt spanking. are you really gonna keep saying it? and seriously... who cares if someone else thinks spanking is wrong? do you think you are going to change their mind? do you think they care that you dont do it when your angry? cuz i dont like spanking, and you could explain it ten ways to sunday, and what your saying still wouldnt matter to me. i still dont agree with you. and natasha was right, stop spending your time deciding whether or not you spank, when you will do it, and how often. use that time to focus on positive reinforcment, and then maybe you wont have to spank. |
| posted by Becky on 04/08/2008 08:14 PM
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| Natasha- is there a reason that you are so hateful about your discussion. I am agreeing with you, based on my experiences with my daughter, that spanking doesn't work. There is no reason to make personal attacks on people that you do not know and make discussions about their jobs or abilities. I find it very insulting that you would comment in such a way. |
| posted by Katie on 04/08/2008 08:36 PM
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| Ok ladies. No one get their panties in a wad. Just to let you know Katie, your response started with the fact that you do spank. Further in the paragraph you conceded it wasn't the best method with your child because she thought it was a game. But in your final paragraph, you were a little ambivalent, and I'm paraphrasing, by stating that you gotta do what works with each different child. You also stated that you expect parents to do whatever they need to do to make their kids act appropriately in class. This, once again, was an ambivalent statement. So I'm still not sure where you stand on the issue. |
| posted by Allison on 04/08/2008 08:59 PM
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I stand in a position that: I am not going to force my opinion on anyone but I will not be spanking my child. I will back a parent who is trying to raise their child in the way that they see fit. I expect parents to be able control their children (not just in school but in society). I think this is a normal expectation and there are too many parents out there that do not have control so that we should not be attacking those who are trying.
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| posted by Katie on 04/08/2008 09:09 PM
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| Fair enough. Thank you for the clarification. |
| posted by Allison on 04/08/2008 09:11 PM
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| Katie- If I were wrong you would have no need to be defensive. As a tax payer I do not want to have a teacher condone physically harming a child in a public forum. You're the one who brought your "position" into this discussion and that is why it's now relevant. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/08/2008 10:42 PM
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| First of all I don't teach at a public school... so your point was in vain. However I have seen your replies to others during this discussion and they have all been very harsh not just to me. Second I never said that a parent should or shouldn't spank in public or anywhere else, and I NEVER said that as a teacher I should have a right to spank your child. |
| posted by Katie on 04/09/2008 04:10 PM
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Personally I don't spank. I did one time with my 13 year old when he was about 2 and i cried.
Now I did believe in corporal punishment when it was in schools. I remember when I was in school almost nobody stepped out of line or talked back to the teachers (or the parents most likely) didn't bring drugs to school or knives or guns it seems since it was taken out the kids have gone down hill. Not all but it has gotten worse.
It's true all children are different and my husband comes from a spanking family and I don't (mind you I still hated my mom all the same growing up, it's a kid thing) so now that we have one together I know we will not agree on punishments, but he said I can have my way because my son is behaved and respects others doesn't mind helping out and appreciates what he gets, he doesn't step out of line because he doesn't want me to be upset with him. If I give him "that look" he knows better. that is how he learned and I did a lot of talking with him.
My husband raised his son (there is an 8 month difference) he spanked and he yells and it got him nowhere, his son resents him and is scared of him, he talks back (even to me when I usually stick up for him) and he is very materialistic has no respect. So I think he agreed to let me try my way first because he wants our daughter to "love us" according to him. (he doesn't spank anymore he quit that before we met, but I tell him that he should praise his kid more, he always points out the bad and never the good and sad to say that is damaging to anybody no matter what age you are, but I think it is what he suffered)
Just because I don't spank doesn't mean I look down at people who do, but I hope it is a last resort and not be the type that spanks to give their kid "something to cry about" I always hated that line or " if you don't stop crying I am going to spank you" Hello I would cry harder because I don't want to get spanked..... Talking helps to understand your kid before anything else..... |
| posted by Kristhal on 04/09/2008 04:42 PM
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Maybe you should read what I wrote before going on the defensive. I never said you thought you had a right to spank other people's children. You started your statement by stating that you did agree with spanking and made a point to give your "professional" opinion as a teacher. You also contradicted yourself quite a few times and I'm not the first to point it out.
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| posted by Natasha on 04/09/2008 04:48 PM
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| That last post was directed and in response to Katie. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/09/2008 04:49 PM
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Wow, alot of postings.
Okay, my "short" story. I remember being spanked once by my father- a real spanking when I was 4. He never did this to me again but it has stuck in my memory untill now.
Picture it- 1977. I was a 4 year old normal-sized girl- the youngest of 5 kids by 8 years. We had all sat down to a Sunday dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. My father was Italian and would have me sit at the head of the table.
I was not hungry. I did not want to eat. My parents tried to get me to eat but I refused stomping my foot down- I did not want to eat. Well, Dad (God bless his soul.) told me to go to their bedroom. I went afraid but had no idea what was happening. He came in took a belt, put me over his knees and spanked me. It's hurts now to even remember it. Then, I HAD TO come outside and eat everything on my plate in front of everyone. I was embarassed and it hurt more because a couple of my siblings were chuckling too. There was no warning, there were no timeouts- spanking is a horror-filled, terrible surprise to children who do not have the physical strength to protect themselves.
Today, I still remember something that happened thirty years ago. Why? He wanted me to eat so I lost the power of choice. "You want me to eat. I'll show you I can eat, and eat, and eat.." Because from the age of 5 and up I began to steadily gain weight. I became obese as a child, bulemic as a teenager, and now I am learning to overcome compulsive overeating. As an adult, I had to relearn how to eat when I am hungry and not to cover up my true feelings.
Could he have done better- sure!!! If he were still alive, I would've told him (off). "Hello!! What happened to timeouts, taking away privileges, at least warning me- three strikes your out kind of thing." But, I know he did the best he could as my father, and I know he loved me.
Now, as a new mom, I'm not saying that I'm not capable of hitting my son. He is 14 months old and sometimes by the end of the day I've gotten frustrated enough to grab him a few times, and he's seen my husband and I have some pretty "loud" arguments- I'm a thrower and God please help me from doing these things.
So I can be a super hothead but I pray that God gives me the strength and blow out some of the pent up steam I may have instead of directing it toward my little one; and replace my thoughts with more contructive non-violent methods of discplining my son. Is it okay to hit someone who doesn't have the equal physical strength to hit you back?
I'm not sure if fear equals respect. I was so angry at my father that I took it out on myself (many times with food) or on other people (physically). And, hey, I'm also one of those moms that believes in the look- you know the one that stops time when you got caught doing something wrong. And I know my baby's still quite young yet, but I just hope and pray from my own childhood experiences (that wasn't the only time I was hit) that I think of something else instead of taking my anger out on my son.
Thanks all for reading. Enjoy your weekend with your loved ones. |
| posted by JoAnn on 04/10/2008 12:55 AM
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| WOW, JoAnn. That was a very touching story. I Myself was never spanked as a child, but I did have friends that were spanked right in front of me or out in public, and at the time I of course was young and chuckled and giggled, partially I think I giggled because I was glad that it wasn't me who got caught and got a spanking. Now as a mother of a 2 year old I look back on those times and think to my self, "Wow I really feel bad for my friend because she was so humiliated in front of a group of people and now she has a really bad relationship with her parents and she currently live in the west Coast while her mom and dad live on the East Coast." I think that that is a huge reason why I would never lay a finger on my son. He is an average 2 year old who just wants to look and touch and learn about everything, and it's hard for me to think about spanking someone who is trying to discover new things everyday. It's almost like telling him, "Don't you learn about that, or "Don't you try and figure out how that works." Sure I get frustrated when I have just cleaned something and he goes and makes a mess out of it again, and of course I get upset when he decides to jump or roll of the couch head first, but now when I see him going to make his move I am one step ahead of him and redirect his attention to something else or I get him off of the couch before he can jump! I was a handful as a child and I remember at 3 years old I was climbing on the back of the couch and I fell off and ended up breaking my arm in 3 places and having to get pins put in. My mother was in the kitchen feeding my baby sister and wasn't able to get to me in time, so I learned my lesson. Now I am not saying that I want my son to fall of the couch and break a bone, but If he goes and pulls something off of a shelf and it bonks him on the head or falls on his foot then I will just look at him and console him if he did get hurt but then I would sit with him and tell him why he got hurt and that if he does it again he might get hurt even worse next time. |
| posted by Sarah on 04/10/2008 12:48 PM
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I think what needs to be pointed out is that there is an appropriate time and way to spank your child - never in anger and never too hard. I realize that "too hard" can be a subjective standard, however, if you are spanking your child and you leave a mark or bruise, consider it way too hard. It should never feel like an outlet of rage or anger and it should never be what many would consider a "beating." There is a vast and very obvious difference between beating and spanking - just as there is a vast and very obvious difference between punishment and discipline. Beating is punishment, spanking is a form of discipline - a tool to teach a child that there are consequences - negative consequences - for wrong actions.
I was spanked as a child and I don't remember these spankings as something where I was defenseless or helpless or even unloved. I learned a lesson each time I remember being spanked, however, I feel the my mom spanked "the right way." She always had a cooling off time, she spanked enough to sting but not leave an impression, and then after, we talked, I apologized for whatever my offense was and she forgave me and said she loved me and was proud of me.
The problem with spanking comes when spanking is the solution and the resolution for everything wrong your child does. The resolution should be what happens after a spanking to help your child apply the consequence to the offense and to help reassure the child that although he did something wrong and was disciplined, he is forgiven and loved. So many parents I've seen and heard of use spanking as the final solution and take no time to reconcile with their children. And many parents make this same mistake with timeouts or grounding as well - using the consequence as the final solution to a wrong done, is NOT effective parenting. Of course, either of these methods done this way will be remembered by any child as something negative. A timeout could be construed negatively, as well - being left alone in your room - abandoned - and helpless. But as long as parents can communicate and help the child to learn from the experience, either form of discipline can be beneficial.
Now, I'm torn about certain timings of spankings. I've decided that until I know that I can spank at appropriate times and reconcile effectively, I will use other methods of discipline. The point of my post, though, is to let people know that although there are many people who have had negative results with spankings (or beatings, possibly), there are just as many, if not more of those who have had a positive experience.
JoAnn, I am sorry to hear of your story and the aftermath of the spanking you received. I can not directly identify with such an offense, but please know, that not all parents who say they spank their children, handle discipline as your father did. Parenting is a matter of choosing battles and disciplining falls in line with that. We all have to choose what we feel is right for our family and for our children. It seems your father may have chosen poorly in that particular instance, but it seems as though you still do have a great deal of affection and respect for him and I think that is something to be grateful for. Breaking a child's spirit is a terrible thing, but I fear breaking their heart is even worse.
Parenting is hard - much harder than any of us expected it to be, I believe. Criticizing each other, though, is not really the way to helping or solving problems or coming up with solutions. I hope you all can appreciate the point of view I've laid here. I do not wish to offend anyone, but rather, help bring understanding to each point of view. Spanking is not right for every family or even for every child within a single family. One child may respond better to timeouts and not at all to spanking and another child in the same family may not respond to timeouts at all. I've said since I became a parent just over a year ago that the only thing that doesn't change about being a parent is CHANGE itself. However, that being said and though our children bring so much change in to our lives with each stage they begin, I think one of the most important things in effective parenting is consistency. Whatever method you choose to discipline and teach your child, do so in love and respect of the human being you are responsible for bringing up and do it with as much consistency as possible. Children respond so much better and behave so much better when they know exactly what they can expect from parents and those in authority.
We are learning and growing as parents, just as our children are learning and growing, and this process is made so much easier by fellow parents and friends going through the same thing who can lend support and advice without judgment. These forums can be such a source of hope and education if we all realize that we have the same goal in mind: to raise independent, productive, successful, loving, caring, and respectful members of society. |
| posted by Stephanie on 04/11/2008 03:46 AM
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hi everyone...i've been reading all the comments and i am going to add another one anyway, partly to get out my frustration with my son and partly to reinforce what joanna said. for me, i don't think the issue is with spanking or not spanking because you don't have to break a child's spirt by hitting them. there are other ways...for example, in my family, we tend to be "yellers". my dad's temper was explosive and although he never hit us physically, sometimes we were very scared to do things because we were never sure whether we would get yelled at or not becuase of something minor. i didnt' wnat to be like my dad, but unfortunately, with my own son, i can see those tendencies coming out esp, if i havne't had enough sleep and i am at the end of my rope with my son.
however, i still have a good relationship with my dad and now, of course, as an adult, i realize and recognize the frustrations he had which sometimes caused him to be the way he is, but ultimately, i know that he loves us a lot and in any way he can help, he will. it's so hard sometimes, as parents, to know hwat the right thing to do sometimes and I love my son beyond distraction and it breaks my heart to think that maybe he will scared of me and so i really try to watch my patience and my yelling, but it's so hard to be in control 24/7.
also, the other thing is that, saying NO without any consequence later also is extremely harmful to the child, i feel. my friend never (at least in public) never raises her voice to her 2 year old but he tends to grab things from his little brother and even from my son. he had a piece of plastic in his hand and she kept telling him don't put it in your mouth and explaining things to him about why. i couldn't take it anymore and i said to him taht if he did it again, i would take it from him. she said that he wouldn't actually swallow it but i did step in and physically take it from him because whether or not he will mean to swallow, it could go in. she says that he is a very good boy and he listens and maybe it is that way at home, but not when he comes out. i was worried for that kid's safety. i apologized later to her for grabbing it out of his hand, but....i don't think saying no five times is all that effective and reasoning with a 2 year old is effective either. sometimes, they have to listen to what we say without an explanantion.
so, in my long rambling here, i guess the point is, everyone has a tolerance limit and while i would never consider BEATING my son and it is absolutely wrong, everyone has to do what works for them. lately, as a teacher, i have felt that kids don't have any limits at home, and honestly, in a class of 25, sometimes kids have to do things because i am the adult and they are not and i don't have the time to explain to each of the 25 kids about why they shouldn't make a poor choice. i think disciplining has become very poor at home...
finding a balance between discipline and freedom is such a tough thing to do and i know, me, i am not sure whether the way i do things is correct or not but i hope, ultimately, that my son will realize what i realized with my dad, and that is i would do absolutely anything for him! |
| posted by Lalitha on 04/15/2008 01:56 PM
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oh, can i also ask for a clarification here???? about spanking, beating and hitting. can we define those terms...for example, my son was going to touch a hot stove, i slapped his hand from doing it so that he wouldn't do it again. is that a spank????? i don't think it is and truthfully, if he has to be afraid of the slap so he wouldn't do it again, that's fine. he's 18 months..btw because i would rather he be mad at me than get burnt. the slap on the hand was a reflex action, not a pre meditated thing, but after i did it, i put my hand on the stove and pretended to get burnt and kept saying ow, ow and told my son not do it. the lady, i am sorry i don't remember your name, whose father hit her for not eating, i consider that a beating. i wouldn't ever hit my son for not eating...if he didn't eat, his natural consequence is that he would be hungry. i think of using spanking or a time out as when there is no natural consequence except hurting yourself and it has to be removed or about to destroy something valuable.
for example, if my son touched the stove, he would burn his hand. that natural consequence is not acceptable to me. i don't use spanking where you remove the child and swat them on the bottom--in that sense. i don't know if i am being clear....to me spanking is, pull your pants down and swat on the bottom and only once or twice. if it's more than that, i consider it a beating. i don't consider what i did with my son spanking. most of the time, i let the natural consequence happen unless he hits someone else or is going to hurt himself. if he hits me, i try to show how much i hurt but i don't hit him back. i will physically restrain him..if he goes to hit me, i will not let him by holding his hand tightly. i won't let him pull my hair. at this age, even time out seems to need a physcial restriction b/c i can't ask him to go sit in a "time out chair". he won't do it. i need to full body bind him and i count and then i tell him not to the touch the lap top or whatever. so...are people's thought alongs spanking along the same line here...? i know i rambled a bit (ok...a lot! ) |
| posted by Lalitha on 04/15/2008 02:21 PM
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| Dear Lord I was spanked when I was young and I turned out okay.There is nothing wrong w spanking your children.I tell you 1 damn thing nowadays some of the ppl that have never spanked their children are the 1s at the ER and at the jail house wondering why their child is in the predictament that they are in.I believe in spanking as discipline and not to do it in anger.I have a sd that knew that she could do what she wanted at my house because I couldnt swat her.Shed look at me and say, so what you cant spank me; Ill tell my mom!My 16 yr old at the time, thinking he was too old to spanked, looked at me and said all your gonna do is bitch at me and then Ill go do what I want cause you cant hit me.Kids know how to manipulate their parents.I dont care how good you think your child is in front of you.They arent that way behind your back.I believe in swift consequences.Thats what is wrong w society now.Ppl can go out and hurt ppl kill ppl and what happenes?They get to live on death row up to 14 yrs.They go to prison for so many months of good behavior.I believe in spanking not beating.I read a post the other day that a child came home and told his mom if she ever hit him again that hed turn her into the police.They learned it at school.I forget how young the child was.Can you imagine the power that the kids gain?I dont care what anyone says to me at home or in public Im gonna discipline my child if he or she is bad. |
| posted by Lexi on 04/15/2008 06:19 PM
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many people will disagree with me,but, I believe in spanking not corporal punishment.
I am a Christian and believe the Bible is the only Book to live by. That said, I agree about building respect in your child. I was over-disciplined when I was a child and so I didn't have the heart to spank my oldest boy. I suffered for my decision because he didn't respect anyone ad didn't care what others had to say.
When the child is young and tap on the backside and a firm "no" is sufficient.
I have a 11yr, a 8(soon-to-be 9)yr old and a 6ys all boys. They are just learning that they will get a consequence for their wrong decisions that they made. I am preparing them for life by teaching them that there is a consequence(good or bad)for their decision and they are solely responsible for it.
This method is working much better than not spanking; They learn that they have done wrong and they are responsible for thier actions...The work-place will not give them a break why should I ?
Hope that helps a little...Bec |
| posted by Rebecca on 04/16/2008 10:26 PM
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Ok, I just have a couple of things to add in here. To quote Amers
"I will spank when it is necessary. But I wanted to know the views on spanking here. I didn't want to start a war or anything cause I know that this is a hot button issue with a lot of people but I just wanted to know what everyone thought of spanking"
She just wanted to know views, and get some input, she stated she didn't want a war b/c she knew the topic was touchy. Even though she did state that she knows she will spank already, which is her choice, she did say she only has a FOUR month old. She's a first time mom for crying out loud. She has learned what her parents did, and obviously thinks they did right. So as of now she thinks that is A method of discapline she knows she will use as a last resort (something she also stated). I dont understand WHY no one seemed to pay attention to the fact that she IS a first time mom, and her son is ONLY four months old. He may get older and she realize thats NOT what she wants to do, OR she may realize her decision was right for her child and her family. Its not like she's spanking her 4 month old, and wants to know what everyone thinks of that. Did anyone think, hey maybe I'll simply state No, I dont agree with spanking b/c of whatever reason instead of pretty much saying, NO, people who spank are child abusers, and dont know how to properly discapline their children, and if they wont discapline there children in public, then well they must be beating them at home! I know thats not what exactly was said, but still no one seems to be paying attention to exactly what she said either. In my opinion, I know people who spank their children, and IF I did spank my two year old, you think I would do it in public? NO, ya know why? Is because there are a bunch of hateful people out there that look at people who do as if they are child beaters or something. and I think its ridiculous. There are people who take spanking to an entire different level, and unfortuneately as far as I know unless you know someone who is abusing there child and you call DFACS there is not a whole lot that we can do.
I think that this forum is for people to verbally attack, and put people down for just asking for an opinion even if it is a hot topic, you think your really gonna change someones mind by being demeaning and hateful? I think not. I think that we should help one another. We are all here b/c we all have children, and have questions, need advice, and just talk about our kids together. Is it possible for us to respond even to things we are completely against without passing judgement?
I think we could atleast try.... ECSPECIALLY those who are educated in these types of things, we could really benefit from your knowledge, and I am thankful there are people here that we can feel like we are asking a professional about....
I just want to get the bitter taste out of this discussion and start fresh. Theres so much drama everywhere we go, this is the last place I would want to find it. |
| posted by Tina on 04/19/2008 01:15 AM
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Proverbs 22:15
"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
Proverbs 23:13,14
Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod;and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Galatians 2:20
I am crucified with Christ:nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of The Son of God who loved me, and gave Himself for me. |
| posted by Rebecca on 04/19/2008 11:57 AM
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| Great quotes from the Bible, but what if all the mom's here aren't Christian? I'm sure there are SAHM's on this site that are Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindi, non-denominational, personally spiritual, and even Athiest. I don't want to speak for anyone else, but some people may not care what the Bible has to say about spanking a child. |
| posted by Allison on 04/19/2008 09:43 PM
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I am a new Christian and had been raised Baptist all my life. I didn't want anything to do with "the rules of The Bible" when I was growing up but my parents believed in spanking me for disobeying them. It caused me to rebel even more and to not have anything to do with church or God. My parents said as long as I was under their roof they would continue to discipline me because God was leading them.
Because of my training, I was cautious when my friends were doing cocaine after school and skipping classes(not saying I was a goody-to-shoes)and other things...God didn't really make the discipline thing stick until I saw a good friend of mine put a gun to his head in the boys bathroom and say I wish my parents cared about me like yours...He died and I will never forget it..
Jeff was a quiet type of person that I got to know through my burn-out friends at school. He would never say much about his home life but would want to know what happened at my house..how mean my parents were for not letting me go to that awsome party..giving me a curfue of 11pm...who I could hang out with..and they even spanked me..(because they lived me). The day before he died, I found out that his parents never cared how late he stayed out or who he hang out with or never had any rules...He went to that party and got drunk and someone(a guy) took advantage of him..he was ruined for life...
I told you this story because I really feel that stucture in a family tells your kids that you love them and want them to be safe.
If your son/daughter were to touch a hot stove would it burn his/her hand or would the stove turn off and be cool? It would burn him/her but he/she would never touch a stove again therefore the danger wouldn't be there a second time.
Kids need discipline in their lives for structure,balance and so they don't get hurt. I'm not saying they will turn out to be angels because I spank my boys, but they will respect their elders,act like gentlemen and stay away from what "burned" them last time so they won't end up in jail or worse.
I am a Christian and I believe the Bible is the inerrant Word of The God who created me and lives within me.
I believe all life is precious and a gift from God that we must raise to Honor and glorify Him..and even spank sometimes... |
| posted by Rebecca on 04/19/2008 10:23 PM
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| Sorry about your friend. That was a sad story. However, I have a question for you. Will you allow others to spank your children when you are not around and they break the rules, or get close to a dangerous situation? Just wondering. |
| posted by Allison on 04/19/2008 10:56 PM
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It doesn't matter to me what religion, color, or ethic background you are, or come from. Hitting is hitting, and spanking is hitting. It doesn't matter if you do it in public, in private, hard, soft, when they do something dangerous, or just because you like to smack your kid around. Hitting is hitting, and spanking is hitting. I think that only doing it in private means that you are ashamed of what you do, if you care so much what people with think of you if you spank your child in public, then maybe you shouldn't be spanking your child at all. And the bible wasn't meant to be interpreted that way. Do you really think that a loving God would want you to hit your child? And if you do, then you need to re-study your religion.
Bible passages have been used in the past to justify slavery, segregation and apartheid. They were used to keep women from being educated, voting or being ordained. Used to justify war, to persecute and kill Jews, to condemn other world religions, and to continue the oppression and rejection of gay and lesbian people. And now you are trying to use them to justify hitting your child. You can sugar coat it any way you want, swat, spank, tap, whatever. Hitting is hitting. And no loving God would ever condone hitting a defensless child, no matter what they do. Corporate punishment was acceptable when my parents were children, my father was hit, and therefore so was I. I unfortunatly remember every slap, punch and kick I received. It was hell. And I will never let my child go through that.
Times have changed, people have come up with better ways to travel, to communicate, to cook, to accomplish everyday activites, and yes, to disipline children. Because your parents did it isn;t an acceptable excuse, because it says so in them bible isn't an acceptable excuse. Your parents probably did't wear seat belts... does that mean you shouldn't either?
And please if you read this, don't tell me your sorry for what I went through. Because I am not sorry. It made me who I am today. And I am proud of that person, More than that, I am proud that I can find a way to disipline my child outside of physical means, and without hiding behind excuses. |
| posted by Becky on 04/20/2008 12:18 AM
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| sorry, thats corporal punishments... meant to fix that before I posted |
| posted by Becky on 04/20/2008 12:35 AM
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Way to go Becky!!!! I couldn't have said it any better myself (and didn't have the time to do so). I just get a little weirded out when people start quoting the Bible to justify their actions; just as you so eloquently stated. In a time when we see women from the FLDS on tv repeating rehearsed rhetoric, Bible quotes just freak me out a bit.
I'm with you about disciplining in public. If you can't do something in public because you're ashamed of it; you shouldn't do it in private either.
Recent infant neuro (brain) research is reporting that children remember a lot more than we thought they did, even before they are able to speak. It's also been proven that children respond better to positive reinforcement, rather than negative, and have higher IQ averages from positive reinforcement.
Kids are meant to push buttons and force boundaries; this is what makes them who they are. I hope my child always questions my decisions and pushes boundaries; this indicates he won't be afraid to take on the world when he has to. As a parent, it is my job to communicate right and wrong to my son without using any sort of violence. |
| posted by Allison on 04/20/2008 01:28 AM
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| This is stupid, All I wanted to know were the views on spanking and I never expected to get told that I should be arrested for spanking my child or be judged for what I believe in. I am going to ask that this be deleted off of the site because almost everyone now that is reposting and reposting is getting very mean and I'm sick and tired of it |
| posted by Amers on 04/20/2008 07:30 AM
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| I want to say thank you to the women who told me their side without being insulting me at all, to the women who posted and only posted once or twice(if a question was asked). I joined this site to get more information, to ask a question and get advice from other SAHMs but I never thought that by asking this simple question to get views from other women, other mothers, would turn into an attack on me or to anyone who believes in spanking or the bible. I mean ok if you don't believe in spanking I respect that but explain the things you do to discipline your child instead of spanking, do NOT tell me I'm evil because I discipline my child the way I want. Most of the women that came on here and bashed me for believing in spanking say that they are open minded, but thats not true because if you were so open minded then you wouldn't have been so mean about this subject. |
| posted by Amers on 04/20/2008 08:08 AM
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I dont think I was mean at all. I simply stated my views. And my views are that if you are going to spank your child, fine. But dont try to sugar coat it by saying its just a swat on the bottom. and do not quote bible verses trying to say that its ohk to spank because the bible says so. If you think thats the only way to disipline then fine. but dont try to justify it with religion.
I was never once mean or vindictive. i stated my views just as you asked. if my child does something wrong i will calmly put her in a timeout. and afterwords i will calmly explain to her why i did it, and why she shouldnt have done what she did. I said my father hit me. but my mother never did. my mother did exactly what i said i am going to do. And in my opinion that worked much better. Maybe you werent specifically singling me out. however, you asked a question that is a hot button issue. how could you not expect to get these types of responses.
it would be like asking if you believe in gay rights, or the death penalty or abortion. people have different opinions, and they always will. you cannot have seriously expected to ask this sort of question and not get responses like you got.
what you should have asked is, when your child does something wrong, what do you do, or how do you plan, to disipline them.
dont ask what people think of spanking, because regardless of your intentions, it will start at least a few hot conversations, if not more than that. |
| posted by Becky on 04/20/2008 02:49 PM
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I'm posting this again b/c apparently no one paid attention to it the first time! At this point You want to know what I'm ashamed of? Even participating in this forum! I can't believe ANY OF YOU would say such hurtful things when we are here for ADVICE, GEEZ!
For those who have an issue with the Bible verse being quoted, if you have a problem with it, GET OVER IT, atleast she's not being hateful like some of the rest of you! I'm being hatefull now as I'm sure is what some of you will say. But oh well, atleast I'm not bashing new mothers for simply asking a question, yes spanking is a hot button issue, but maybe when she posted it she thought she might be talking to an intelligent MATURE group of people.... I think you all should be ashamed for treating someone that way.... This is insane!
Maybe people should have actually read my earlier post.... I'm done with this group, some of you give SAHM's a BAD name, and I dont want to be associated with it.
Thanks for nothing. |
| posted by Tina on 04/20/2008 06:33 PM
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| Tina...if you even read this...I totally agree with what you said. Amers asked for opinions. What was also glazed over was that fact that just because some people choosed to use spanking as a discipline, it's not the ONLY form of discipline that people use! There are numerous ways to discipline. The Bible instructs us to discipline our children. If you want to interpret that has "it's ok to spank" or "turn the other cheek" it is up to you! Everyone interprets that Bible differently. Everyone raises their children differently. Everyone COOKS differently! God made us unique and different and that is something that we should be proud of! We are all doing our best to raise our children in the best way that we can and that we know how! ALL of you/us need to give ourselves a pat on the back for doing what we think is best for our children. Parents have a tough job and I am sure that all of you are wonderful parents no matter what your view is on spanking. |
| posted by Amy on 04/20/2008 08:38 PM
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| Amy, Although at the time, I wasn't able to relay it as nice as you just have, I do agree. There have been times where I have spanked Noah on his diaper, but realized it doesn't work for us very quickly. When Noah was spanked, he hit back, so we try not to resort to that at all. Although, my neighbor spanks her child, and it seems to work. I watch supernany all the time, and have tried the time outs with Noah, and it works wonders (most of the time) I just have to pick my battles w/some things. But time out really does work for us. But others it may not. I just wish that we could give positive reinforcement to each other, which I failed to do in my last two post, I think even if we disagree with some ones methods of discapline, why not say like you said... No, I dont agree w/spanking, in our house we use ... and it seems to work really well in our house, you should try it, or something to that effect. I dont feel bad for what I said earlier for the reason that I dont think its appropriate to say things that can be hurtful just for someone asking an opinion, there are ways to express your opinion on a subject with out being hurtful, or demeaning. |
| posted by Tina on 04/20/2008 08:55 PM
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It isnt fair to say that I am being demeaning. and although no one singled me out, in a couple of the last posts when people said the whole bible stuff, (and i will be singling out here) and especially tina, when you said if i have a problem with the quoting bible verses, then i should get over it? how rude is that? i was direct and forward, but i was never rude. i do have a problem with it because people are using them to justify spanking.
And i never, ever, ever, once said that i had a problem with anyone spanking their child. that is the beauty in being a parent. all decisions are yours, and no one can tell you different.
I clearly stated, My opinion is, if you want to spank your child then fine. i dont think you are bad, or horrible, i dont think you are evil or should be arrested. I think that there are better ways to disipline, and i would never use spanking to disipline my daughter.
that is not mean, hateful, or rude, i am giving my opinion. the only thing i said, which was much longer and in depth the first time i said it. Was, if you are going to use spanking as disipline, fine, but dont use the bible or god to justify it.
I think what is worst, is that you are "reprimanding" these other women for being mean, or immature, and yet inyour posts you happen to be doing the same thing. the difference is that these women are stating an opinion, and regardless of how they word it, what gives you the right to call them names?
and Tina to use your own words, if you have a problem with what the other women are posting, or how they say something, then GET OVER IT. |
| posted by Becky on 04/21/2008 03:29 AM
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I know this topic is a hot one and I am sorry if you think 'i am offending you in any way,but I had thought that we could share how we felt about an issue without this back-biting.
I know I lose my temper quite often when someone steps on my heels but God is teaching my to just shut my mouth and listen.
Lately, I have listened to the hurt in some of you and the anger in others. I don't understand where you are coming from because I was never beat as a child(and don't think that being angry when you a spanking a child, or hitting them in other areas or punching them is a form of discipline,I believe that is plain "abuse")but I will keep you in my prayers because I have known friends in the past that had similiar situations. Sometimes what you need the most is just someone to sit down, have a cup of coffee, and just listen.
I have poured my coffee and I am holding your hand, ready to listen...
As far as disciplining my boys, I agree that there are different forms of discipline for each action. My oldest son does not get spanked because he has learned how to respect me.
My middle son gets spanked with my hand on the bottom when he knows what I am saying to him and he tells me he will not do it(he is my stron-willed child);But after I spank him and he has done what he is told,we sit down and talk about why he had to get a spanking. We then talk about his future and how important it is to obey your authority through life.
My brother has epolepsy and has no job. and lives off the state...but this is not because he couldn't get a job because he had one..he just refused to do what his boss told him to do and so his boss found someone else who would do the job.
My brother learned a very hard lesson on respect and obedience and I don't want my boys to follow in their uncles footsteps.
I read some of these responses to my oldest son yesterday and his response was" mom, sometimes you need to spank us to teach us" i responded with" honey, there are many ways to teach you, but God has said that this way you will remember that the stove is hot or the road is dangerous..
I know some of you do not believe in God and the Bible and I am praying for you, and yes God is a loving God, but He is also Holy.
Because God is Holy, and we are sinners there had to be a sinless sacrifice of blood to cleanse us from our sins.
God is loving in the way He had His son Jesus come to earth as a baby and grow up in our world(so He can identify with our pain and suffering)to die for you and me so we can be in Heaven instead of Hell.
Thank-you for letting me share with you, I am always alone during the day because I have noone to talk to...
God be with you..Rebee
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| posted by Rebecca on 04/21/2008 08:32 AM
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| I have tried "spanking." It does not work for me. It is teaching to be afraid of me, not to respect me. In the long run, my kids will rebel. There are other ways to get my child to respond and do what I ask them to do. I am working on talking to my children. I want to actually have a decent conversation with my children so they know where I stand and I know where they stand. My children have feelings and thoughts that are important for me to hear. They can say what they need to say and still be respectful about it. I have to give my kids choices. Not on everything of course. Some things are negotiable. Other things just are not. I have been violent with my kids all my life. I am tired of the same old thing. I want a change and I am going to make a change for the sake of my family. |
| posted by Gail on 04/21/2008 11:43 AM
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| The only thing I can say is definitely try talking, reasoning, and other methods first. Always make spanking your last resort. That is the only advice I have to offer. |
| posted by Gail on 04/21/2008 11:45 AM
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I do spank my kids as needed when they are just not listening anymore, and within reason. I was spanked by my parents, but I feel it also made me know my boundaries and also made me think do I really want to do this and except the consequences afterwards. for some it may be drastic and straight abuse but for me I'm teaching my kids also. I talk to them after and let them know I love them but also let them know what they did wrong. My kids will not do what they want to do, thats the problem with these kids these days lack of discipline and parents not taking the time to steer their kids the right way from birth. I'm not saying spanking does it but it helps. I hope this doesn't sound corny, this is my first post. thanks
p.s I respect my parents to the fullest, I love them very much |
| posted by Ellamarie on 04/21/2008 12:04 PM
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Sometimes I do get to that point where my kids are not listening no matter how much I have talked to them.
Yes, I admit it. I do spank my kids. However, I try to make it my last resort. I don't want them to be afraid of me. I want them to love and respect me.
Spanking does not work for my 16 year old. I should have made that clear earlier. So in the case of my sixteen year old. I have to find other ways of communicating with her and disciplining her.
My six and 11 year old I still spank from time to time.
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| posted by Gail on 04/21/2008 12:48 PM
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| Well, all i can say is this whole conversation has caused me to re think being a member of this site. To see that people can't share there opinion on a subject and tell what they do instead without being hurtful to others makes me not feel comfortable asking questions here. Yes spanking is a hot button, but i feel mature women could handle it much better. |
| posted by on 04/21/2008 01:44 PM
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| I am sorry to hear you feel like that. SOMETIMES I have to overlook people and their comments. Everybody has different opinions. We are entitled to be different. There is no right or wrong answer here. But when people start forcing their opinions onto you, it is wrong. Oh yeah, I want to apologize if I offered advice to you. You didn't even ask me for advice. Anyway, I hope you rethink not being a member of this site. Have a nice day. Let's talk soon. |
| posted by Gail on 04/21/2008 08:17 PM
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| okay...i wasn't going to reply at all because generally, if the conversation follows a trend I don't like, I don't comment. but i will address this to amers and whoever else feels like they don't want to come back to this site...you don't know know these people who are hurting your feelings and in the scheme of your life, they are of very little consequence. you just take the good with the bad. there are people who have contributed good to the discussion and people who have contributed negativity, but ultimately, you have to do what is best for your child and don't let anyone else tell you different. since we all belong to this site, i am confident that we are all loving mothers and caring of our children, and to tell you the truth, there are people whose comments I don't like but I don't let them bother me becuase i've never really met them and if I don't liek their comment, I ignore it. also, what is offensive to me is not necessarily offensive to another, so you came to this site for a moral boost, but here, as in life, not everyone is going to give you that. the key is to pick those people whose advice and opinion makes sense to you and let go of the others! I am done and will post no more on this subject! |
| posted by Lalitha on 04/21/2008 10:02 PM
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