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| Stay at Home Moms |
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| I know with kids and work and everyday life of being a mom is taxing and hard on a marriage but lately i just feel like i have no love to give my hubby and i don't want his. I don't hate him or want a divorce i just don't want anything to do with him. We've had a really rough time since katie was born (she'll be a year in 2 weeks) and there is some resentment i just can't forgive him for. For the first 2 weeks he was really good, i had a c-section so i couldn't do hardly anything. But after i was off my pain meds he just quit doing anything. He's never been a very tidy person, ok so he's a downright slob, and i get tired of picking up after him and taking care of everything else. I hadle all the bills, clean the house, take out the trash, feed the baby, change the baby, do all the shopping etc. The only thing he really does is go to work and make the big bucks. Mind you i still have to work 4 days a week to help pay some of the bills. He comes home and sits in front of the computer and plays his stupid games. He'll play with katie for about 20 minutes then gets bored and goes back to his game. I"m just so fed up with his crap that i don't want anything to do with him. Sex is so far down my priority list it might as well be burried but he doesn't like to take no for an answer. If i insinst that i'm too tired he rolls over and pouts and it drives me nuts. He thinks i'm supermom and i'm not! Is this just a phase? Does it get better or is it the beginning to the end? I just don't know what to do anymore. I"m not happy, and in some ways i feel like i'm getting screwed out of my fairytale. (yeah i know it's cheesy and slightly selfish but everygirl wants her fairytale right?) I love my daughter very much but is my love for her taking over what i used to feel for my husband? Any advice would help! |
| Posted by Amanda on 03/31/2008 11:04 PM
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Hi Amanda!! you are not alone.. I just wrote you a long long reply and I lost it!! If you want your marriage back ,what I did one day is I had my parents watch my children and I planned a night just the two of us... I sat down with my husband we were ont he brink of divorce and I said I wanted to go to counseling. He did not , but basically I got him to open up, I was like you I was exhausted my kids are 2 and 5 he works alot I was working I was doing everything... When it came down to it... You were right, they are JELOUS.. WE give our kids so much love and attention and do dishes clean paybills trash that when they come home we have nothing else to give... They need to help us... A MIRACLE has happened in the last year... I try to make more of an effort to meet his needs and he tried to make more of effort to help me.. It is not perfect but it is better.. It will get better but being supermom is not all that its cracked up to be , I know I tried it for a couple of years and then I realized I could not do it anymore... I was so tired of hearing everything I was not doing... I just wanted to feel loved and accepted like I did when I worked.... I know I get so tired of my husband saying well come do my job I work so hard to provide for this family , so come do my job day in day out.. the sickness the sibling rivarly the clean-up spills diaper changes the cleaning the laundry it never ends... Instead of harping on eachother, lets just give eachother some help... What can he do to make it so I want to be with him later in the evening... Well, simply giving the kids a bath or taking them in the backyard to play while I clean or spending more than ten minutes but really enjoying the kids.... Then what Can I do to help?? Well, I hope this helps, don't give up?? It does get better and easier as your daughter grows up.. but like a good friend of mine says they want brownie points for watching there children for 5 minutes but this is their child their responsibilty as well... Anybody can bring home a paycheck but really loving and being there for your family is a different story.... Don't give up... so many times in life it is easy to give up but I can tell you I did want to give up but try talking to him and tell him you are not supermom like you thought you were and you are exhausted and you know he is too but you want to try to get back what you had and you want to know his expectations as well... Hey, tell him I need your help then maybe when you want something from me at the end of a long day I will be more rested and be able to give you what you need if you help me out a little in the evenings .. A little help from him will go a long way.. It will let you know he cares and then you can give the attention he needs but its gotta go both ways..... It is so funny that they can do nothing to help us all evening long and they wait until we are so emotional and physically exhausted and then they get mad because we can not meet their needs.... WEll, I finally told me husband if you what that area of our relationship to get better then you need to help me out and be there for me with the children more than ten minutes a day.. I am so with you sister... at the end of the day I have nothing left to give sometimes....... So, every once in a while I try to get a babysitter to help watch the kids and then we can have some alone time... That has really helped.... It really does take a toll on your marriage having children ..... I am here if you need to vent...
For what it is worth I hope this helps......
thanks, HEIDI |
| posted by heidi on 04/01/2008 12:23 AM
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I am sort of going through the same thing. I am engaged, we have been together for almost two years, and we got engaged in October of last year, and got pregnant in January. Our daughter, Rhianna, is almost 6 months old now. I am only 20 years old, and he is just 22, being so young makes it that much harder. I feed her, change her, burp her, bath her, play with her, I do doctors appointments, dishes, laundry (and we dont even have a machine, so I have to take it to my moms house, which makes it even harder.), i clean up after him, and his friend Pete who lives with us. And everytime I ask him for help, i get a big sigh, and then some sort of comment. He works nights too, so he ends up sleeping through most days, then i hafta yank him out of bed to go to work. Sometimes it feels like i have 2 kids instead of a child and a fiancee. I ask him to hold her, and he will for like 5 minutes, then give her back to me. he gets mad if i ask him to watch her in the mornings when he gets home so i can get a little more sleep, and he just complains how tired he is, and how much work he had to do, or he comes into bed, and wakes me up trying to get me to have sex... I am just too tired, I want to get sleep before she wakes up and i do it all over again. then i hafta hear about how he didnt get anything, and he counts the days since the last time we had sex and throws it in my face everytime we argue. I dont have many people to talk to, my friends are all in college and have no idea what i am going through. when i do talk to them, it usually isnt about my daughter, because i know that talking about your baby allll the time can get boring, and i dont like to admit that my fiancee and i fight as much as we do. But i have one friend who i hadnt seen or talked to in almost two years, since i met my fiancee. and we talk on the computer every night. he is my age, and in college, and he is so nice and understanding, and i feel like i can talk to him about anything, but the more i talk to him, the more i think i may be falling for him. I dont want to though. I want to be in love with my fiancee. I want to stay with him, and not just because we have a child together. but its like we keep getting further and further apart, and what we used to have isnt there anymore.
I wish i knew how to help you... but i am getting screwed out of my fairy tale too. I hope it works out ohk for you though. |
| posted by Becky on 04/01/2008 03:02 AM
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I am starting to feel very much the same way. I am really lucky in the sense that my husband doesn't fight me too much to take care of our daughter. BUT he just assumes that when he's free is the only time that he needs to worry about taking care of her. For instance, this month he just made plans to go away for two weekends. This rarely happens, but he just assumes that I will make it work for him to go out of town for 2 days. Meanwhile I can barely find the time for a SHOWER!
I have given this a ton of thought and we have talked about it at length. I think that as women, we just expect that we will give of ourselves to the people who we love until we can't give anymore. I rarely complain and I just want to always "be there" for my daughter and for my husband.
What I hope to start doing more is taking care of ME occassionally. I don't think that it's selfish, and I think that it will help my relationships with my husband and my daughter. Personally, I am planning a couple of days when I am going to get away by myself to do things that I used to LOVE and just haven't done in a while. I would recommend to you that you schedule (in advance so that your husband has plenty of time to plan) a night out with your friends or a weekend away. Try to ignore any guilt trips - no one else is going to be looking out for you, so you have to. |
| posted by Annemarie on 04/01/2008 08:42 AM
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| amanda you are not alone. we have been having problems for a while, I really dont know what it is.He thinks I am overracting when I say I feel like he doesnt love me anymore, But things are not like they use to be. I have letters he would write me, from when we were dating to years after we were married, and he is nothing like he use to be. I do love him and want it to work, but I dont know if it willI have thought about leaving, but I am a sahm so what woukld I do. I do love him though, but I want him to understand my needs. He is a great father to sarh, he gives her alot of attention, but we never do anything, and it has been like this for about 5 or 6 years, when he started working so many hours.I hope everything works out for you, and know I will be praying for you and all of the others gouing thru this, thanks for posting about this. |
| posted by Natasha on 04/01/2008 09:15 AM
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Annemarie had a good tip. Taking care of ME!!! There is a great book called Taking Care of the ME in Mommy. It is by Lisa Welchel (Blair from Facts of Life). I have heard her speak and read some of her other books. When I read the first one I was thinking..."Well, sure, it's easy for you...you have TONS of money! You don't have those everyday financial worries that real people like me do". Well, come to find out, she lost ALL her money that she made. Not through any fault of her own. She is an everyday REAL mom just like us! Taking Care of the ME in Mommy is a great book that helps to show you how you can be happy, healthy and not totally drained! And, by that happening, you actually have something to give at the end of the day to your hubby. There should be three areas that you and your hubby sit down and really discuss and come to an agreement on. 1. Communication 2. Dating (one another!!!) :) 3. Physical Intimacy What happens is that the more the communication and help he gives....the more willing you are for #3, making him happy!
My hubby and I are currently going through some counseling due to the same reasons that you listed. I once heard a story of this couple that was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. One of the gals there asked them what the secret was to staying married so long. The woman answered "We never fell out of love at the same time". You are going to have those times that you feel as if you have fallen out of love with your hubby. But, love is a choice. And sometimes you have to CHOOSE to love him several times a day!!! What is really important is that neither one of you are willing to give up on the marriage. If you could get him to sit down with you and talk about all of these things, I am sure it would help. My hubby and I could not communicate well so, our counselor is helping us to do that. I have learned things about my hubby in the past few weeks that I have wondered about and tried to get him to open up and share with me for YEARS!!! If he is opposed to counseling (as my hubby was) then there are other options. Write in a journal back and forth to one another. Read a book on marriage, love or communication together. Watch a marriage video together. Go to a marriage retreat. I had to go through ALL of these suggestions (some we tried and some we didn't) until finally I told him that I was done. I had thought of EVERYTHING I could to help the situation so, if he wanted to change the way things were going then HE had to come up with a solution. He did (date nights once a month). We did that. After six months I asked him how he thought it was going and if it was improving our relationship. It had not. I finally just told him that I was going to go to counseling with or without him because I needed some change in my life. He finally agreed to meet with the guy from our church and we've been doing much better since we started counseling with him!
Marriage is HARD!!! It takes WORK!!! And it can be soooo exhausting at times, especially once children are added to the marriage! Just don't give up. Know that there are SOOO many other women going through the exact same thing all over the world! I hope that you and your hubby can work through all of this soon and get on with enjoying one another. I will pray for your relationship and that God will open up your hubby's heart to see that he is supposed to be the head of the household, your provider and your protection. I will pray that God will give you strength and wisdom in the things that you do day in and day out! You sound like such a strong and sweet woman and I know that you can do this! Hang in there! |
| posted by Amy on 04/01/2008 09:18 AM
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| Amanda I know what your going through. My husband and I are currently seperated and are going to get a divorce. But we are still friends. We have 3 kids and they will be coming with me. What I suggest to you is to talk to your husband and see how he feels and then maybe get counseling first and if that don't work it may be the end of your marriage sorry to say |
| posted by judi on 04/01/2008 09:45 AM
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Amanda,
While my husband and I have had difficult times, it has never really felt that bad. I have made it very clear to my husband that I am not the only parent. I did not concieve either of our children on my own. He is very good with childcare. We used to have disagreements on who would do what with them. Then one day he told me he didn't want to watch them. I simply responded with you don't have to...you don't watch your own children. We have come up with "sick days" There are days my husband is so run down from work that he works from home or takes a sick day. If I need a sick day I just tell him either the night before or in the morning that I am taking a sick day. HE is then responsible for childcare.
On the homefront issues. I will ask my husband very clearly to do things. I will tell him dishes, laundry, vacuum, whatever needs to be done. When he ask if I want to go somewhere or do something or if he wants to I tell him once the list is done. I make a list when I want help and put it on the counter. It is kinda childish, but what man is just going to go sink full of dishes let me take care of those?!?!
It has taken five years of "training" for a lack of a better word to get to this point. Just remember you married him for a reason....find it and embrace it. I think for us it helps that we were both in the military and our last unit just returned from Iraq, without 2 soldiers, when we get to the point of no return I think about my friend Amy who would give anything to have her husband walk back through their door or I think about Rachel's Finance wishing he could be nagged about household stuff. I am not saying what you are feeling is small or of no importance, but you have to decide what will work for you. I know this post has gone back and forth, sorry. Trying to get a 2 year old ready to go, while soothing a baby...
Shanna |
| posted by Shanna on 04/01/2008 11:38 AM
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Hi Amanda,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I think every women feels this way. First I would suggest STOP picking up after him. You are not his mother. He is an adult and knows how to pick up after himself but doesn't because you do it for him. Second I would suggest voicing your feelings to him and come up with a list (together) of chores that you will do and he will do and you each are resposible for completing your own chores on an agreed upon schedule without complaining about how it is done. My husband cleans his own bathroom, does his own laundry, vacuumes the stairs ( we have a two story house) and sweeps the garage, and we alternate puttin g our daughter to bed. I do everything else, but I don't strees about it. So pick the chores that mean the most to you. Ask him to set a time limit on his games, come up with an agreed upon time together. Since you are both working you should not be responsible for taking care of your child at all times, come up with an agreed upon time schedule to watch her. An hour on, an hour off works well for us. You also need to do things for yourself. Go out with some friends for coffee, a pedicure, or a movie and leave Katie with your husband for a few hours. It's hard to feel love for your husband when you are feeling resentment for him. I would also suggest a book called Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's an eye opener to both of your needs. Marriage is a commitment and it does take a lot of work, but don't give up. I don't know what your faith is but if you believe in GOD I would suggest seeking him and his word. He is our creator and who knows us and our needs better than him. The bible and Jesus Christ is the best thing to turn to in times of need. |
| posted by lorena on 04/01/2008 11:39 AM
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| Does he play WOW or Ultima Online? Honestly Id take off for the weekend and leave him w the baby.Or Id shut down and make a list and tell him this is his half to do.If you dont do it then, Oh well.Do that for a week or 2.Let him come home to no food on the table and dirty clothes.His prob is he knows youll do it and he takes advantage of you! |
| posted by Lexi on 04/01/2008 01:03 PM
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| Wow, I am going through the exact thing, I am a stay at home mom and my fiance is in the Army, we have been together going on 3 years and have been engaged a year and a half, when we met I was head over heels for him but we were in a long distance relationship so we only seen each other every so often then he got sent to Iraq and I found out I was pregnant, he comes home and it was good the first few weeks and then down hill from there, were still young he is 22 and I will be 22 in about a month, it breaks my heart because we fight all the time, its just weird because I miss him like crazy when hes gone but when he comes home I dont really wnat him around me, he just drives me crazy, I think a lot of it is because I have nobody here with me I moved away from all my family and friends and I just cant meet anybody and hes constantly on me about meeting people but I can't and his big thing is he works all day, like I dont, and he doesnt help with hardly anything around the house, and Im just exhausted, and I know what you mean about the fairytale, I was in school and had to quit to move and I just had all these plans for my life and none of them are happening now because I dont know where Im gonna be from one year to the next, I contemplate breaking up with him a lot thinking maybe the distance will make us closer again but I dont want to do that because of my son. I dont really know what to do and Ive wanted to talk about it but just never have, Im so happy that you mentioned this because I felt like I was the only one going through this!! |
| posted by Courtney on 04/01/2008 08:12 PM
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Hi Amanda,
I understand everything you are going through plus some. Thanks for posting because reading what people wrote to you helped me out a little. Just with not feeling alone about being jipt on wanting even half of a fairy tale would work for me |
| posted by Elizabeth on 04/01/2008 08:13 PM
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| I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate as I am a Military wife and proud to be!! I am also the mother of 2 children ages 4 and 1. I cook, clean, do laundry, pay the bills, grocery shop and run our 4 year old to karate, T-ball, soccer, and football. I am so tired at the end of the day. I don't EXPECT my husband to do much when he is home. He works very hard all day long especially when he is away from home. He is tired and he deserves whatever down time he needs to unwind. Yes, I do expect him to spend time with the kids and he does. It may not be a lot but it is quality time and that is better than no time!! When I am home with my kids I get down time so it is only fair that he get it when he gets home. So to me it just sounds like you may have fallen out of love with your husband and are trying to find a reason to justify this action by blaming him for not doing enough at home. |
| posted by Brandie on 04/01/2008 11:04 PM
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