 |
|
|
|
| Musicians Wives/Girlfriends |
| Public online group |
|
|
| |
|
|
Hi all,
I'm so glad I found this group as I have had no one to talk to about our new life changing experience.
I've been married to my husband for 5 years and we have 2 kids a 8 month old and a 3 year old.
My husband's band signed with a major label 5 months ago and the more we start seeing how this life will be, the more scared I am getting.
Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for my husband and that this dream of his has come true but part of me is starting to feel bitter and it's effecting how responsive I am to this new exciting life he will have. I didn't marry a professional musician. I didn't marry someone who was going to be gone most of the time and what time he has at home, I am sharing with 3 other guys.
My husband is scared too and thinks this will be very hard but he seems very focused that as hard as this is, the rewards will be so much greater. My husband is the most loyal, devoted person I have ever met and tells me all the time he is doing this all for us and I know that but it's certainly not making it any easier.
So, happy to be here and looking forward to getting some advice and support from others in this group.
Jill
|
| Posted by Jill on 03/16/2008 12:02 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
Hi Jill
It will be scray, but take comfort in the fact that the man you know is loyal and devoted. Try to be understanding of his new schedule which likely to be frustrating to your family, and if he's will to let you stay involved when he's away.
It may be letting people know of their gigs and labels on online sites like this, checking up on other little things that may fall on the wayside now they are will a big label. Get the kids involved, play daddy's music often just little things to make him seem more around even when he's not.
Good luck! |
| posted by Afihtan on 03/16/2008 01:01 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
| Thanks for your response. We do do those things, we play music etc. It just doesn't make it any easier. Like I said, I finding it hard not to resent all this right now. |
| posted by Jill on 03/16/2008 01:14 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
| Understood Jill. Just try not to let the resentment excalate into an argument. There is likely tension on both sides even if he seems to be completely enjoying it. Just bite your tongue sometimes when you might say something imflamatory. Lol easier said than done but maybe you'll be more successful at it than many of us and avoid making a less than ideal time even worse. |
| posted by Afihtan on 03/16/2008 01:32 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Well, I don't know if I will be able to resist....I'm not really the type of person to keep it in when something is upsetting me.
How do you get through it? |
| posted by Jill on 03/16/2008 01:35 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
| Not always very well and normally its not even long periods away. Just hoping maybe you can avoid the tempers etc that build up. I'm more giving advice based on what would work better rather than what happens most of the time. |
| posted by Afihtan on 03/16/2008 01:38 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
I'm sure that works great and I already know what I should be doing to make it easier but like the saying goes, easier said then done.
Is this a very busy group.....are there others out there that you can recommend?
How long does your husband spend away? |
| posted by Jill on 03/16/2008 01:40 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Hi Jill!
My name is Robin, and I am the one who is both married to a musician, and a musician myself. Your situation does sound daunting. My first reaction is to be sure you guys are communicating EVERYTHING to each other. Every little fear and insecurity, before resentment seeps in. In fact, i would even go so far as to seek a couples counselor to help you through this. I am sure he doesn't have time, but if you can get someone once a month it will be great for everyone. I always feel all marriages need tune-ups, with or wothout crisises. If you can't afford that, be sure you guys have some sort of suppport system...friends, church group, family. You will need them!
Oh, and may I interject an editorial...as for him "doing it for the family", okay, maybe he feels this is the best way to make money for the family, but as a musician myself, I feel that statement is B.S. Musicians are musicians because they have to be. It has nothing to do with anyone else except their own desire and drive to perform. We can try to mask it in many ways to satisfy other peoples' needs, but when the chips are down, being a performer is a self-satisfying artform. |
| posted by Jade on 03/16/2008 02:34 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
| I truly believe that if I asked my husband to give it all up tomorrow, he would. I would NEVER ask that of him but I know if I did, he would without a second thought. His family really does come first and I know that and it makes me feel more confident in all this. But still, it's not easy sharing your husband when you are so used to having him all to yourself. |
| posted by Jill on 03/16/2008 02:37 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Hey Jill
This is the busiest the group has been since I joined, however there are also lots of other great groups, blogs and tidbits on the site. Since my son was born his dad really has not been away more than a day at a time, but the late nights, the "lost" family time etc does also add to the frustration. I also know he is yearning to go away for a longer period and that although I understand does make it hard. It seems that he wants to get away from us and although I know its more missing that part of being a musician its a sore topic.
I agree with the need to open about everything and as was also said he is doing it for himself. Music is like that, of course the family is a top priority, but music is usually a calling. Even if he chose to "give it up" for the family he would be missing it and probably that would cause more problems.
I guess that's the price you pay for falling in love with the sensitive, warm, loving, creative and EQUALLY selfish (at times) people that musicians are:)
Also take comfort in the fact that they are many more like you out there than it feels. |
| posted by Afihtan on 03/16/2008 04:17 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Jill,
I just found this site and posted a problem of my own today. I am here for you if you want to email me directly and privately too. He needs to affirm what you mean to him. He needs to tell you this to reassure you that his intentions are good. I think you need to hear him re-tell you how much he loves you. We need to be assured that the adoration and stage glory- cult of personality- is limited to a few hours on stage and that is it. That he knows who he comes home to. Little things make me feel better, like dedicating a song to me, etc.
I am at work so I am making this short but I am here for you, sister! - Teresa |
| posted by Teresa on 03/31/2008 07:24 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Hi Jill.
Believe me I do understand. I was just recently married, and my husband is just really starting in music production. We have only been married seven months, but the demands on his time and me feeling like I am in the marriage alone causes many emotional and faltering arguements. To the point where I want to stop trying.
My advice is to not let it go that far. It is really hard and I will never downplay that, but you have to be strong and fair. I agree with the others that his reassurance will help. But, also when he is home, have him make you a promise that as much as he can, that his time belongs to you and the family. Musicians find it really hard to leave the music outside of home. Even harder in my case because his studio is in the house, and at times, I can't get his full attention.
Let him know that you support him, and you need his support in return. Best luck to you and you definately have my prayers and understanding. |
| posted by Heather on 07/01/2008 07:18 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Hi Jill,
I am new to this group. But here goes. Right when you get signed life gets crazy. It DOES settle down! And hopefully as his band gets established he will have more and more say over the tour schedule. My husband tries to do 2 weeks on the road 1 home for 2 months and then home for a month. But it wasn't always like that! The beginning is the hardest and once you get through that you can get through ANYTHING!!!
Could you ever join him on tour? Will they have a tour bus straight away? The kids are not in school yet you could hop aboard!
If you need any advice let me know. I just found this site but really enjoy it! |
| posted by Ruby on 07/14/2008 02:39 AM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Hi all.
I am new to this group, and just posted a little blurb about my situation yesterday as an introduction. Jill, I have experienced all of the same emotions that you have written about. My husband was not a full time touring musician until three years after we married. In fact, when faced with the choice of leaving his secure full time job to take the very unpredictable leap into full time commitment to his music, it was extremely gut wrenching for the both of us. In the interest of security we were leaning towards him staying home. However, I remember one night, on what was supposed to be his last tour, that changed it all. I was standing at the back of a club watching him perform and the crowd feeding off of his live performance. I literally got tears in my eyes when I thought that he was about to give up this once in a lifetime opportunity. After some soul searching and number crunching, I went to him and said, "You need to do this, and we'll make it work, somehow." That was about 4 years ago. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions ever since. It is most difficult when I haven't seen him perform in a while. I'm caught up in the business of keeping our daily lives together (paying bills, cleaning house, dealing with misc mishaps), and the resentment can creep in at anytime. When it gets hard, and I think I can't take it anymore, I try to get out to see him. Even if it is just for a day or two. Seeing him play live always reinforces those positive and supportive feelings that swelled up that night years ago. This lifestyle is not easy on a couple. However, his music is so much a part of him that I don't think I would be married to the man I fell in love with if he gave it up. I hope all is well with you at this time. Hang in there. |
| posted by Dawn on 07/31/2008 02:42 PM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
|
Hi Jill, and everyone else.
Just found this site and jumped onboard. This thread may be dead, but I feel inclined to respond.
I have been married to a professional musician for 1 1/2 years. I agree that it is very important to communicate with eachother about the thoughts and feelings you have with the changes in his career. My husband and I talk about everything so we can understand and fully support each other. It is so difficult to find time to talk when he's on tour because he never has more than a few minutes to talk, and rarely has privacy. So during his time away I start to miss his daily affirmations and attention and, to quote a very popular relationship book, my loves need do not get met. It's sort of like spending the winters in Alaska - as long as you tell yourself that the insanity is only temporary, you can hang on until you reach the other side. But once we're together again, it helps us connect if we can share what we went through. A lot of upkeep! I never thought I was high-maintenance, but I think marrying a musician will drive anyone to it. It's really a lifestyle that cannot be understood by those who don't live it.
With kids, you throw in a whole new collection of emotions and potential resentment. I will talk about that later - I need to get some zzz's.
Thanks for being here, gals. You saved me tonight!
|
| posted by Susan on 10/11/2008 12:19 AM
| edit | delete |
|
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
