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| Support Group for Working Moms |
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Hello to everyone! My name is Natalie, and I am a working mom of two beautiful girls. Today has been one of the worst days of my career so far. I work in the software industry and have for almost 3 years. I am the lead of a team of 16 people for my current project. I definately work in a very high-stress career, and I am really beginning to resent my job.
Yesterday and today, my daughter has been sick with the stomach flu. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to pass my childs vomit & other things off to anyone, even if someone would be willing to watch her. Besides the fact that her biological father is not in the picture, and I have been her "one & only" so long now that when she is sick, she wants me and only me. Needless to say, the place could not even live without me for two whole work days - I went into work yesterday morning and then all craziness broke loose there today.
I get a phone call from a person on my team saying there are problems and the CEO of the company got involved! I was like, how could this happen?? Now I have given so much to this job already, much more than any should, but I keep justifying it to my family and myself that the benefit of my income and ladder climbing outways the amount I have to work. Today, it hit me square in the face that even though they were sympathetic to my situation, they needed me, and no one else could fill my spot. I don't like this feeling that I have of having to walk away from my sick child to take care of corporate non-sense or fear losing my job.
I can't handle all of this stress. I don't have time to do all the stuff I am supposed to do in one day. I feel pulled in so many directions. I have so much stuff to do, I can't focus on any of it. I don't do justice to anything, anymore.
I need some advice on how to balance this all out and to be a great mom as well as continue being successful at work.
Sorry, this got to be long and whiny, but I had to let it out. The minute I got home from work, I searched for a support group online, looking for help.
Take care,
--Natalie |
| Posted by Natalie on 02/26/2008 06:46 PM
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Hi Natalie,
I feel exactly like you do, here it is 7:30 at night and I am at work when my son is being put to bed. Sometimes I just want to cry when I realize all that I am missing. He goes to daycare all day and I come to work (i'm a Children's Librarian) and entertain, play with and help other people's kids while mine is at home without me! The only thing that keeps me going is that I know how much I love him and that without my working, we would be absolutely broke, more than we are now.
People at work don't always understand the exhaustion and frustration that goes with being a mom and having a career, so just ignore any stupidity that results! You have two wonderful kids who you can be a role model for, always remember that!
-Katherine |
| posted by Katherine on 02/26/2008 07:24 PM
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Natalie,
Boy oh boy do I know your situation all too well! I am mother to a beautiful 18 month old daughter and I, too, work full time. I used to work for a boss who told me I didn't have a position for the following year immediately after I told him that I had to leave because my daughter had a 103 fever at daycare. He was also the same boss who saw me crying hysterically in the office (I'm a teacher) because I got a phone call that my father was dying and I had to rush to the hospital...that's another story!
Fortunately, I now work for a boss who is extremely supportive of family and being a working mom. However, you are right. It does not stop the guilt in the morning when I drop her off at daycare while I go to work 20 miles away, dealing with other kids and parents (I oversee the special education programs in two middle schools). She is with my mother two days a week which I feel better about, but I miss her terribly when I'm away. But, like all of you here, I have to work because of the money. Sometimes I wish we were still back in the 50's where women didn't work and didn't need to. I think I still belong in those days!
Hang in there. I'm here if you need to vent.
Emily |
| posted by Emily on 02/26/2008 08:16 PM
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Natalie,
Boy oh boy do I know your situation all too well! I am mother to a beautiful 18 month old daughter and I, too, work full time. I used to work for a boss who told me I didn't have a position for the following year immediately after I told him that I had to leave because my daughter had a 103 fever at daycare. He was also the same boss who saw me crying hysterically in the office (I'm a teacher) because I got a phone call that my father was dying and I had to rush to the hospital...that's another story!
Fortunately, I now work for a boss who is extremely supportive of family and being a working mom. However, you are right. It does not stop the guilt in the morning when I drop her off at daycare while I go to work 20 miles away, dealing with other kids and parents (I oversee the special education programs in two middle schools). She is with my mother two days a week which I feel better about, but I miss her terribly when I'm away. But, like all of you here, I have to work because of the money. Sometimes I wish we were still back in the 50's where women didn't work and didn't need to. I think I still belong in those days!
Hang in there. I'm here if you need to vent.
Emily |
| posted by Emily on 02/26/2008 08:16 PM
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| I totally understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you are being pulled in so many directions. One thing I know for sure is that women can NOT have it all. It is an illusion when we are told that we have equality in society. Equality would mean free great childcare and required flexibility at the workplace for mothers, etc... It sounds like you are a wonderful mom that loves her daughter. I know money complicates everything so I will not give you advice that says to change careers. In fact I really do not have any advice. Just know there are so many moms out there Igiving less than 100% in each area of of their lives. I will re-state what someone earlier said, "You are a great role model for your child". The fact you are so bothered by the situation says it all. Your daughter feels your commitment to her. Stay strong and connect with other working mothers regularly so you can vent. =) |
| posted by Malena on 02/27/2008 11:41 AM
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| I know this situation all too well. And the cooperate office don't really care, because if they did, they would let you stay off until your child gets well. Thats why I am pressing and soooo determined to work from home or own my own business, so that I can pick my hours and nobody else. With your skills in software, have you though about starting your own business? It is truly something to think about if you want to make a change... |
| posted by Charmanie on 02/27/2008 06:48 PM
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I would love to start something and work for myself! It is my dream to do something like that, but I am spread so thin right now, the thought of adding one more thing makes me cringe.
I really appreciate all of your responses. I love the fact that I am a role model to my girls because I do want them to grow and up be able to be whatever they want to be. Thank you for helping me refocus on that fact!
Does anyone have any good organization tips? Sometimes I feel so disorganized. Thought there might be some good tips out there!
Thanks!
--Natalie |
| posted by Natalie on 02/27/2008 07:16 PM
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Natalie,
It is so hard to balance all that we have to. I am a Social Worker and supervise staff. Each time I miss work my clients get less help because I am not there and I feel like I am not being the kind of boss or Social Worker that I should be. But each time I leave my sick little one to go to work I feel like I am not being the kind of Mom that I should be. I am just trying the be the best Social Worker, Boss, and Mom and I CAN be.
As for organizaiton, the only thing I can say is routine, routine, routine. I all of the things that need to leave in the morning by the back door so that I see them as we are leaving. I do bottles in the same order every night so I don't forget a step. I pump at the same time at work most days so that I keep my milk supply up as much as possible. My new goal is to figure out how to fit in stuff for me like getting my nails done, going to yoga, and working in a run every now and again.....
I don't know that there are any good answers, but keep up the balancing act!
Celeste |
| posted by Celeste on 03/03/2008 05:20 PM
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| I was in kind of the same position myself a year ago. I worked as a professional planner in a mid-sized firm. With my commute it was a 12 hour day, plus night meetings at least twice a month. Try to find a babysitter that wants to keep your child until midnight - now that is a challege. My husband and I had conflicting schedules, he is also self employed, and one of us always had to suffer when there was a family emergancy. But I stopped working out of the house and I'm building a home business. Life is better now. My health is better now. My family is happier now. And I have more of a sense of joy helping others build home businesses. www.redefinework.com |
| posted by Susan on 03/04/2008 11:07 AM
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Natalie-
Hang in there! You have to set your boundaries. You can't give all of yourself to everyone. You have a team- delegate!!
Though they may struggle without you they will learn to do what they need to when you are gone and that is very important since you do have kids that need you for their well being. Another person will step up given the opportunity and enough time. Start looking for an understudy that can at least keep things a float while you are gone and let them know even when you are away they can still reach you by phone. Sometimes being a good leader means trusting those around you to rise up when need be. Let your team know you will be expecting that of them and start giving them bigger responsibilities before a crisis happens so when there is an emergency they don't feel paniced when they have to step in with out you. If you do that they will look forward to stepping up in your absence because it will give them a feeling of accomplishment. As for your CEO getting involved I would tell your team to contact you first and then let you contact him if need be next time.
I hope that helps- I feel you girl- I had to deliver my first child at the most crucial time of my business so I know how that feels. Prepare for crisis ahead of time if you can.
LOL!!
Also know that your children are very lucky to have such a strong role model |
| posted by Beth on 03/04/2008 11:38 AM
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Hey Natalie,
I can't give you advice but I can relate to you and let you know that you are not alone. Part of my motivation for signing up on this website was to see if other working moms are going through the same feelings that I am, and it certainly sounds like you are. I think that you know that simplifying your life is the answer, but if you are like me there aren't any negotiable components that can be simplified. I have to work and I am a mother, I go to school for myself, so what can go? I guess we just hang in there and remember that we are only one person. If you do get any great advice, please send it my way ;) |
| posted by Kellie on 07/16/2008 10:43 AM
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Thanks, Kellie, for the response! This quote, " I think that you know that simplifying your life is the answer" really hit me today because that thought has been at the back of my mind for the past few weeks. I feel like the incredible urge to have a yard sale and get rid of all the "stuff" that we don't use or need and to find ways to live life simpler and to DO things instead of HAVE things! We are a very active family, my girls are in activities, go to camps and we travel, etc - but all of the "stuff" in our life is just making me suffocate. I want simplicity. I guess I have something new to work towards!
--Natalie |
| posted by Natalie on 07/16/2008 11:21 AM
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| hat helps. Again, I can relate to the feeling suffocated. I didn't have time to make a garage sale a priority, but I just recently got rid of 10 bags of old clothing, old toys, old books, old everything. Because of my time constraints, I donated it. It made a huge difference. I no longer waste time digging through clothes that are no longer relevant trying to find something for the kids to wear. I don't spend time picking up toys that are just thrown out of the toybox in order to get to the the good toys. It really will save you time. Great thought! |
| posted by Kellie on 07/16/2008 11:35 AM
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I can also relate. I am a special education teacher and actually became the punching bag for a 3rd grader twice before 9am this morning. I want to be a mommy! I have started my own business so that I can achieve this goal. I would LOVE to share what I am doing with anyone who is interested. It is already making a difference in my life. Feel free to email me at jenevansonline@yahoo.com and I would be happy to talk to anyone who is interested.
I also want to comment on the organizational stuff. This is an area that I can definitely relate to as I am NOT an organized person by nature. The website www.flylady.org has helped me SOOOOOOOO much!!!! I would recommend it to EVERYONE!!!
Jen |
| posted by Jennifer on 08/18/2008 06:01 PM
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I can also relate. I am a special education teacher and actually became the punching bag for a 3rd grader twice before 9am this morning. I want to be a mommy! I have started my own business so that I can achieve this goal. I would LOVE to share what I am doing with anyone who is interested. It is already making a difference in my life. Feel free to email me at jenevansonline@yahoo.com and I would be happy to talk to anyone who is interested.
I also want to comment on the organizational stuff. This is an area that I can definitely relate to as I am NOT an organized person by nature. The website www.flylady.org has helped me SOOOOOOOO much!!!! I would recommend it to EVERYONE!!!
Jen |
| posted by Jennifer on 08/18/2008 06:01 PM
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| oops, sorry, hit reply twice! |
| posted by Jennifer on 08/18/2008 06:02 PM
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Natalie,
Did you ever consider working from home? I used to have an 8-5 office job but once my daughter was born I knew I wanted to raise her, because as you know they grow soooo fast! Working from home has truly made my life more fulfilling:) |
| posted by Kristin on 08/20/2008 07:35 PM
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