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| Stay at Home Moms |
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Hello All,
How do I explain to my husband how difficult it can be to raise our one year old son? My husband works late 3-4 nights a week. When he gets home, our son is almost always fast asleep by then. He does sometimes feed my son breakfast while he eats in the morning which gives me 20 extra minutes of sleep, but I am the only one with our son all day and night. BUT.. to my husband, I got it easy. He works hard- I know he works hard- he works like two jobs in one- but he says I don't appreciate HIM when I ask for a break from our son. Sometimes, when he watches our son so I could get some computer time, I can feel the resentment stinging me in the back.. I felt uncomfortable all weekend and never felt at ease in our home whenever he was watching our son.
What hurt most was today he helped me watch my son while I went out for 2 hours and rushed back home. Later, he then mentioned how EASY it was to relax twice a day when our son takes his 2 naps. SO my days are much easier than his are. It's always "tit for tat" between us lately. He also forgot that for most of today I WAS HERE TOO!! He has never been alone with our son for 14 hours straight everyday for 4 days in a row.
Can anyone 1) help me maintain my emotional state so that I am not alwyas holding back tears when my hsuband is sarcastic about raising our son, and 2) provide me with some support/come back statements that I can say to my husband so he can see the light and realize how hard this really is? I have worked so hard to take care of my son from the moment he was born 5 weeks premature to the fact that I can never stay away from him too long because I still breastfeed him. :(
Thanks. |
| Posted by JoAnn on 02/24/2008 10:06 PM
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Hello there!
I think most Mom's have experienced this situation or at least let me say I have. May I suggest leaving your son with your Husband for a whole day. Go visit friends or family and let him see how a WHOLE day ALONE with your son is. I'd do this when he's off from work for at least a whole day and we'll see how EASY it is. Please, being a Mother is so much harder than going to work. I mean its Hard but the most rewarding job in the world. |
| posted by Pam on 02/24/2008 10:36 PM
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| The first day I found this sight I read a girls post on here about her husband.It seems he is exactly like yours and gave her a hard time.She warned him for weeks that if he kept fkg w her that she would shut down.She shut down for 1 week.She said she cared for the kids but not him.Cooking,cleaning washing dishes, clothes, vacuuming,and sweeping.Her hubby after a few days told her to cool it ;he gives but she held her own and didnt do nuthin for 1 week.He was begging her by that time to feed him, do the dishes,and wash his clothes.I do not know who that was.I do not remember the girls name.I urge you to take her advice and the only thing you do is take care of your baby and eat sandwiches and salads.That way he cant eat what you are eating.When he goes to work wash the babys clothes w your own.Let his stack up.If he screams tell him to screw off and if he needs it bad enuf your not his slave,do it himself.Bathroom, toilet paper on the roll,clothes, lying around, anything you see laying that he put there leave it for 1 week!Only take care of you and the baby.She said it worked for her.Pump that breast,make excuses for this week to get out as much as you can away from the house to leave him w the baby.Make sure it isnt when the baby naps.Let him have the full extent.If he works just a few nights make arrangements w a very distraught friend that needs you to spend the night and she of course doesnt have the room for a baby.Make him get up w breast pumped milk and feed the baby.Im probably not the best to ask what else Id come back and say to him cause I hate men lol.Anyway those are just suggestions. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/24/2008 11:11 PM
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| I think most of us have felt taken-for-granted atleast a time or two, but when its all the time, it really hurts. Its hard to do things for people who don't appreciate it. I would take the suggestion to let him keep the baby for a whole day by himself, but I would do it a little diffirent. Heres what i did...I got my fiance two passes to a ski run that he really likes. I encouraged him to go for the day with his friend. And after his day of fun, i reminded him that "now its my turn, i get a day". Then plan your day, let him know in plenty of time, so there are no excuses about why he can't. and go girl! A whole day with just him and the baby will teach him more than anything you could say. |
| posted by Tessa on 02/24/2008 11:39 PM
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| JoAnn, all I have to say is that I agree when my hubby tells me he works hard, I do not take that away from him, he busts his ass to keep the family going finacially, but I also bust mine to make all of it possible for him. My job is a stay at home mom. I mold the mind of my daughter, I feed her, I cook for him, I do his laundry, his ironing, I clean the house, if he paid for someone to come in for all of those tasks, he wouldn't be able to afford it, even at a discounted rate! A stay at home mom's job is 24/7, we do not get sick days or personal days or weekends. We do not get vacation days, or paid Holidays to lay on the couch watching football, and scratch ourselves. We have the toughest job, and work even harder. We are even on call all of the time. Make a list of all you do. Go to the daycare and find a monthly rate. Go to the drycleaner and find out how much for each shirt to be cleaned and pressed. Find out how much a maid would cost, a professional chef, and see how much it would cost for your laundry to be done, usually it is a per pound rate. Tally it up and hand it to said hubby, he will get the jist. |
| posted by on 02/25/2008 07:15 AM
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| I agree with DJM and Tessa. I think making a tally of all of the "services" you provide and how much they would actually cost is a FABULOUS way to show your husband a concrete, on paper list of the MANY contributions you do to help make your family run. And, remember that as demanding as it is to be a SAHM (HARDEST job in the world!) and as much as you want and deserve a break, that your husband needs a break too. I agree with Tessa in that you should offer him time for himself--he works hard too--I think he will definitely reciprocate your generosity and let you have some much needed "time off"--just remember to do it without acting like a martyr--he will be FLOORED. You will feel better and not feel as guilty when you get to take your breaks. I remember when I started staying at home with my little girl--I could not BELIEVE how tedious and difficult it was to be on call 24/7. When my husband (who works long hours and most weekends) was home, I would be waiting to hand her off to him--like, HERE, YOUR TURN!! He was exhausted too, from working to support our family, but I was so completely consumed with myself and how I deserved a break that I never thought of how he needed some Downtime for himself--away from work, an exhausted wife, and a needy baby (our baby was colicky for almost a year!). And it took about a year for me to realize how we are in this together--we are a team--and I was acting like the martyr mom not considering that he is the one who doesn't get to see her grow up and share special moments like hearing her say her first word, seeing her take her first steps, or watch as she develops her crazy little funny personality. He will never get any satisfaction or special memories like that from his job and I took that for granted. Your husband may be envious of the fact you get to have this special bond with your son and using a sarcastic tone to convey his underlying emotions. My husband told me he was jealous of the bond I had with our daughter--how I was always the favorite and the one she turned to when she got hurt, was tired, etc (I also am breastfeeding too--she is almost 2), so I think that is also why she is more attached. He totally put my staying at home in perspective--I never realized that---I had taken that mother-daughter bond for granted too. As much as you want to be appreciated as a SAHM and wife, know that you hubby craves the same!!! When he comes home from work treat him like a king--after you greet him, tell you son that daddy needs some time for himself for awhile after he gets home from work, then he will play--BELIEVE ME--this will work!!!! You husband will be refreshed and more willing to give you a break. You want him to want to come home from work--it should be a sanctuary for him to recoup. I finally got it after I thought, "Would I really want to come home to the exhausted, crabby ME after a long day at work?" It took me awhile to realize this with my husband--after I stopped "keeping score" between us and not resenting the fact that I seemed to do more for our family--the more I appreciated what he did for us, and how this is a team effort--we started appreciating and honoring each other's roles more. He started realizing that I needed breaks--that naps were not "breaks" b/c we all know that that is when we get the housework, etc. done! Just know that even though I know you seem to be at your wits end with giving of yourself--give a little more to your husband and you will see that you will get it back in full in time! Hope that helps! |
| posted by Nikki on 02/25/2008 08:32 AM
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I don't know it is very 2 sided in my point of view. Not to take your husbands side but with mine I wouldn't trade places with him for anything. He works a very stressful job, but on top of it he is the one that makes sure our bills our paid and all that stress. I can deal with the stress of a kid. It isn't "hard" it's just time consuming and aggravating at times because you can't do what you want all at once it is broken up. Right now I am BFing my daughter and typing with one hand. Got to do what you got to do when you have kids and stay home.
I do agree that dad's should spend time with their kids I am lucky there because when I need to go to the store or something instead of packing up my daughter my husband just takes her.
It is "hard" when it is more than 1 child. I have two 12 year old boys one in wrestling the other wants to be in swimming and when my step daughter is here for 6 weeks in the summer that is not only hard but frustrating with the siblings picking on each other and constant whining and packing up 4 kids and my husband for weekends we are gone because I am the one to get everything together or else something is forgotten. Since that is all my stress and not work and bills I don't mind. Hey I am at home so the home is my "job" When my husband was laid off he did a lot around the house and when I was pregnant but I never asked.
Good Luck. I know it can be stressful but depending on the type of person he is depends on what strategy you take. I couldn't do the "I won't do anything for you for a week" my husband would just tell me ok you work and be the sole provider and he would be more than happy to stay home and do everything. (he has had to do it all cause his 1st wife left him when the kids were 3 and 4 and he had to take care of them a house work full time and school full time he could have given up but he didn't so I just look up to him for his accomplishments)
That is just my view one 1 year old is not too bad get involved with play groups and such they usually meet in the afternoons and if he sees you are always gone when he gets home and has to eat by himself and you are the one getting the "quality time" with the kiddo he might want to get more involved that is what I do and my husband wants to do more with our daughter because then he misses her and it's not fair I do it all with her and he misses out. Just what ever approach you take I hope it doesn't backfire. You know your son's dad better than we do. Good luck |
| posted by Kristhal on 02/25/2008 08:59 AM
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Do what I did. Just stop explaining what he clearly does not understand and do what needs to be done. It's like banging your head against a brick wall to explaine everything anyway.
Go away for a little while and leave the child with him (it's time to stop breastfeeding if your child is one) The only way to stop behavior like that is to put the other person in your place, like that show Wife Swap. Your husband isn't going to "get it" unless he sees for himself what you do all day long, everyday.
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| posted by Melinda on 02/25/2008 09:14 AM
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| During the week, I do not expect my hubby to help around the house, he has his reg job and he does bust his but. I do feel that we both deserve some weekend time, so I do have him help me with the stuff around here, and taking care of Mikayla, because why should he get a weekend free of all work, meanwhile I am still doing my job that I do all week? He is getting better especially after I handed him the bill for my services, lol. He got it after that, he saw where I was coming from, and he knows there needs to be a mutual appreciation for what the other person deals with. I do feel for him that he sits in the car for three hours a day going into his stressful job. I feel for him that he deals with stupidity al day long and has a very high strung demanding boss. He in turn feels for me that I do not have any adult convo all day, and that my back is killing me some nights because we had a day when my daughter didn't want to be put down, it is give and take. Right now, you need to open his eyes a little to the fact that you give in this too, he makes the money, you make it possible for him to do so though. |
| posted by on 02/25/2008 09:29 AM
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| *butt* |
| posted by on 02/25/2008 09:30 AM
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| Well What a nice debate we have going.You know there is a biggggggggggggg difference.Its called RESPECT.When a man talks like that to you,he isnt going to care what you tell him.He has got to be shown.Love the idea about the showing him what it costs butnot doing it for a week will show him how much you do during the day.Men(he)doesnt see the house dirty.Well of course he doesnt because while the baby is sleeping (and he says omg you have it easy)you are cleaning up for the few hrs that the baby was playing.Then the next nap( when you really have it easy)you are doing the laundry and the cooking and whatever else cleaning has to done.Hell yes they think its easy watching the baby cause youll come home and clean up the mess that he and the baby made.A man and a woman should look at each other at the end of the day and say:I appreciate the work that you do for me at work/home.Not,omg you have it so easy staying home blah blah blah! Respect for what each other does and he needs a reminder of just how hard it is to be a mom 24/7 w no time off! |
| posted by Lexi on 02/25/2008 11:37 AM
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I like DJM's responses and it's pretty much the same around here. Except that in addition to all of the housework and raising our son, I also take care of the finances. I just don't 'bring home' the paycheck. I am also breastfeeding my son (he is 13 months) but I finally did leave him with my hubby for a half day. It is my own fault that I cannot stay away longer than that... He got it after that. And, all he did was follow my 'directions'. I am in no way taking away from him that he took good care of him and spent lots of time with him- they both loved it. But, he didn't have to get him on a schedule and deal with it changing 50 times first, he didn't teach him 'no' and not to hit and how to 'do nice'. I did. He laughs when the baby hits him and walks around the house saying 'no touch', etc. Not only do we do all of things that keep our homes running and our kids in one piece, we are the one most responsible for molding the person that they will be and nurturing who they are. It's THE most important job in the world.
Melinda- how dare you say if someone else's baby is one then it is time to stop nursing?! |
| posted by Lauren on 02/25/2008 02:23 PM
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| Seeee,I always heard that too.In Texas they tell you that exactly at 1 yr old its time to stop breastfeeding and go on the sippee.I guess its preference on when a mom wants to stop.They give you WIC for your baby at 1.Juice and etc.They actually tell you to stop at 1 yr.I guess other places its different. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/25/2008 03:47 PM
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Hi All,
Thanks to all of you for your heartfelt responses. I have been quite busy babysitting another toddler today so I have been on and off the computer reading everyone's responses. I think I will do a combo of them all. :)
It's funny when I was thinking of replying in the middle of the day today to mention a little about my hubby's side of the story some of you moms began to talk about your husbands work load as well. I was talking to my mom today- she raised 5 kids at home too, and I mentioned to her that he was dissatisfied with his job and looking for another. And she said- "That's it! Men get that way when they're having a hard time with work." And I can relate remembering how many times when I was working full-time that he has seen my sour face walk through the door. :) BUT that does not give him permission to use me as the door mat.
Thanks again. I will be priniting out and reading your comments often!!
P.S. It is defintiely beneficial to breastfeed after one year old. There are so many benefits to helping a growing baby's still immature immune system with the mother's antibodies. I got this from La Leche League's website: "The American Academy of Pediatrics currently recommends that "Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child.." * The World Health Organization and UNICEF recommend that babies be breastfed for at least two years." http://www.llli.org/FAQ/advantagetoddler.html
All the best!! Although we are all from different parts all over the US (I live in New York City.), we care for each other more than next door neighbors! :)) |
| posted by JoAnn on 02/25/2008 09:56 PM
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| I've been reading everyone's comments and I have been trying to think about how I would handle that situation. I know a friend who is doing what you are Joanna and she's getting to the point where she is burnt out. Her husband recently went away for a whole weekend with his buddies on a ski trip. But, what she told me was that before he went on his ski trip, she wanted a break like that too, so he could go on the ski trip and have time off from the family and everything but that one weekend, she needed that space as well. It was really hard for her to let go for a whole weekend and leave her baby and go off and she said she worried about what was going on at home, but, she was so fed up that even though she called 20 times a day, she just needed to get away. And, she was surprised by how well her husband managed the baby by himself (with of course, having prepared meals and stuff in advance), but she said there has been a lot of attitude shift in him recently. He helps out a bit more around the house and gets dinner started and things like at home whereas he never used to do that before. She said they never really "talked" about, but she can tell by his attitude that his perspective changed. I am not saying it would work with your husband, but, I just think if you want to get respect, you have also have to give it. Maybe I am not a "lay down the law" kind of person and I certainly don't know your husband but I would try to approach it with not a "martyred" way, as someone said, but as two reasonable adults who have to raise this baby. |
| posted by Lalitha on 02/27/2008 01:47 PM
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good luck with your situation. Try speak calming with your hubby on a date night? I find me and my hubby fight more if we haven't spent alone time together.
Oh and breastfeed for as long as you need. Some people go crazy bfing for years and yrs but if your infant is only 1 yr old, there is no need to stop if you don't or your kid doesn't want to... It is very healthy for a baby especially since they may start to be picky eaters and drinkers around this age. More power to you...
my son went on strike at 8 months and I had to switch to formula... I miss the connection and now he'squit the bottle.... Very annoying so its hard to make sure he gets enough liquid.
good luck on both aspects. |
| posted by roxanne on 02/28/2008 01:11 PM
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| Hi! I do have the same problem, but I have two sons and when my husband wanted to take our oldest to the city for three days I said no. I could have had some time alone with our youngest, but there were so many legitimate reasons not to. The only thing is that staying with his mom all he would have to do is play with him a bit, maybe change him and kiss him when he goes to bed. He has not yet taken the responsibility with our first son, so I would not leave him alone with our youngest for a whole day. Especially not both of them for a whole day. I have not gotten the balance down of it all yet. I just keep trying to balance it all and hope he starts pitching in soon. I broke into tears in front of him asking him to help me out. I was tired of crying to myself when I did finally get the chance to relax. He helped out for two days and then it went back to what was normal.I do not think I would have the courage to leave all of his stuff for a week, after that week I would have so much to do. I have enough trouble catching up after a trip to his moms for a three day weekend. My youngest son has almost completely given up on napping and breast feeds every 1-3 hours during the day and at night. I think I myself am too tired to try anything. I really have no suggestions except when you do decide something do stay strong and do not back down. I really wanted to listen to all of your comments, so I felt I should share my story. |
| posted by Michelle on 03/02/2008 11:18 AM
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Hi JoAnn,
I am blessed with a husband who seems to understand the importance and difficulty of being a SAHM. His suggestion to a father/husband who doesn't, was to leave him at home for a day with the kids AND an extensive list of all the things the kids need to do (like reading, active play, outings, and other things that are vital to their proper development) and other chores around the house that need to be done for the day. My only other idea would be to maybe let him do all of that for a few days in a row, (I know you can't leave totally because you're nursing.) But that's part of the challenge is that we SAHM's don't get a weekend break. Our job is day after day. So maybe allowing him this "privilege" for several days in a row might emphasize the point. Anyway, just thought I'd pass on the tip from another man's perspective along with mine.=) I think someone else mentioned Respect. I would agree with that too. We as women need to feel loved and cherished. We like respect too, but Men NEED to be respected. I know it sounds weird, but when my husband and I start frustrating each other and can't seem to communicate, if I change my thinking and actions to be more respectful of him even tho I might feel hurt, he begins to react more lovingly to me and the cycle is broken! That's just something I"ve learned in my life to be very valuable. I hope that it is helpful. Hang in there. Sounds like you're doing a Great job at being a mommy! |
| posted by Jaclyn on 03/02/2008 03:14 PM
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Thanks to all of your additions and continued support. I particularly like the idea of writing a list of "things to do" with the baby and other chores.
We had an okay weekend. My husband took me to a luncheon for his job on Saturday which I appreciated his invitation and a chance to get dressed up a little and a break away from the baby. Today he also did some laundry and helped install some baby safety products and a safety gate. He was being his normal helpful self.
I think he just likes to be asked things in advance such as watching the baby. Not me asking him to watch the baby for an hour on Saturday morning because I was exhausted. He was pissed and got sarcastic and I blew up on him and did it anyway which I later apologized for. But, you know, sometimes we can't plan being exhausted!
And to Michelle, I truly hope your situation improves before it takes more of a toll on you. Still breastfeeding every 1-3 hours/day is sooo tiring. Not just from being up but because your body is working so hard zapping your energy away to create food for your baby. Men, will never get how much nergy it takes on a female's body. That's supposedly why we lose weight more quickly breastfeeding. Remember, you are doing the right thing for your baby, and I would always remind myself over and over back then how much money and time I was saving on bottles and formula. It also depends on how you feel about exclusively breastfeeding or not. We would top off my baby's feedings because he was also a preemie so I would breastfeed then Dad would finish with a bottle of formula or breastmilk and/or he would do the early morning feeding. It was his small way of helping and spending time getting to know the baby. Maybe your husband could try this?
Most of all, you will NEED his help. I'm not sure where I'd be without my husband, or the occasional help from my sister, mother, and mother-in-law. You don't want to get sooo tired you get sick- even mentally "tired" is not good.
I remember when my son was three months old, I was so out of it one night I bent down to get something and bumped my eye on the edge (pointy edge!) of my dresser. I was okay until I woke up in the morning with excruciating pain and non-stop tearing from eye. Thank God my in-laws live nearby. They were able to rush me to the hospital and we found out I had torn my cornea. The scar is still there and it can still bother me when I am very tired and my eyes are dry. I have to be careful not to rub my eye from now on or I can tear open the scab. Uck!
As I sit here typing frantically, my husband is loading the dishwasher and cleaning the sink- begrudingly but hey I cooked! And fed our baby dinner and breastfed our baby twice and watched him all evening, and fed the cats, and made my son's food for tomorrow, and did some volunteer work for a nonprofit I help and on and on... :))
Thanks again and best wishes and luck to all.
God Bless. |
| posted by JoAnn on 03/02/2008 10:45 PM
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| Hi! Thanks for the advice. Our baby has diahrea right now.(nice) The doctors recommended that I do not try anything new in case of a reaction. |
| posted by Michelle on 03/04/2008 09:08 AM
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| Hi! I also had an accident because of tiredness at night. Not nealy as bad as yours, and I hope there is a chance that it will completely heal. Get well! We were at his mothers and the playpen was right beside the bed. He cried as to be fed, so I got out of bed and picked him up. I fell right backwards into the dresser with him in my arms. My boyfriend asked me if I was alright. All I could say was take the baby. I had such a bruise. I always remember to take a minute before I get out of bed to wake up. |
| posted by Michelle on 03/04/2008 09:12 AM
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