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| Parents of Teens |
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is something about us, and how we use that in raising our teens. Does it work? not always, but we try.
I grew up in a household of 11. I was raised with judgement and criticism by not only my parents but with my brothers and sisters. I have no relationship with any of by siblings. My husband was raised on his own with his brother, both of his parents were very abusive in nature.
Being raised in this environment, and with my husband's upbringing. It did not help us when we had our son. Our son witnessed alot of abuse, always verbally, never physical. He became extremely difficult and even affected his grades. No one, would talk to their parents like our son spoke to me. He loved doing it in front of his friends, or guests in our home. It was horrible.
Because of what our son witnessed growing up, he treated me with disrespect just like his father, and many times was down right nasty. He and my husband would gang up on me and literally make me cry, not for one day, but for weeks. I hated it.
I found peace when I joined "raising them". It was my personal circle of friends that no one in the house except me knew it existed.I found a network of people that were on my side, and cared about me! It gave me hope, inspiration, and I became empowered. I followed the advice, and had enough balls to finally stand up to my husband and son, and told them that counseling was eminent if this "family" was going to continue. They were not laughing, but very nervous and frightened. They were ready to tell the counselor that it was all my fault, until that first day, when they both realized that they each played a role, and had to take a deep down look inside of them.
Counseling was my Savior. Counseling is my friend. It's been one year since our first counseling session, and my only regret is that I waited 16 years of marriage before doing anything about it. I live a healthier life now.
Raising a teenager is hard work. Sometimes, when our son doesn't get his way, he retrogresses. But, we stay focused as a husband and wife, "a team" and work together to help him. We may not have all the answers, but, I am always open to learning.
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| Posted by esther on 02/18/2008 04:42 PM
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Something about me and the way I was raised that affects my parenting:
I was more stubborn than my parents and they let me get away with it. I was passive-aggressive and they didn't know what to do about it, so I got away with things. I was an only child and an only grandchild on both sides of my family until I was twenty-one years old - very spoiled. The results: a spoiled brat who relied on others to take care of the boring or unpleasant details of life and who thought that the world revolved around her every desire.
I've reacted by being more strict with my kids. With my first child, whenever parenting issues like discipline came up, my mother would honestly say, "I don't know what to tell you; we didn't know what we were doing when we raised you and didn't have any other children to practice on."
I went to dozens of parenting classes and learned a lot about parenting in counseling as well. I got a degree in Family Psychology and I listened to my older friends about what worked for them. I also listened when people said, "I wouldn't allow my child to talk to me that way" or whatever. I decided what I would put up with and what I wouldn't and enforced it.
Now, as teens, my kids know that I mean what I say and I say what I mean. They know I have confidence in my parenting abilities and in my decisions on their behalf. They don't always LIKE it; but they know I'll stand firm on what I believe in. They know that I'll make their lives miserable for a limited amount of time if they get too far out of line.
At times, I've thought that I've reacted to my parents' too liberal parenting by becoming a little too strict; but I don't worry about it for long, because I can't be perfect. I can only do what I think is right at the time of each circumstance.
I'm not as spoiled and self-centered as I used to be, but I still carry those tendancies with me and have to fight against them. My kids may have some faults, but they won't have those faults after the way they've been raised. |
| posted by Kelly on 02/18/2008 09:03 PM
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| True I think that the way you were brought up can definitely have some effects of how you raise your kids. I am the oldest of 5 in my family and I was the one that was responsible for everything and everybody. My mom was divorced for a good portion of my childhood..she did remarry in my later teens ( but I wasnt happy about it)..but divorced again and has been for a long time..okay im digressing. Anyhow I feel that my mother did the best she could...there was verbal abuse and some physical as well. I didn't really get the emotional support that I needed because I was the one that always had to be strong, needless to say I just needed to deal with whatever was thrown my way. I think in alot of ways it has made me the tough individual I am today, but also has made me stubborn in alot of ways too because I'm not real good with change and can be over domineering. As far as it goes for my kids, I respect what they have to say to me..but I dont let them get away with everything. There are times when I do overlook things as long as those things aren't major. I try not to jump the gun and make assumptions until I find out the story, and my kids respond to that pretty well. Now there are times when I have had it up to over above my head but I know I need to just walk away for a little bit then. Im definitely far from perfect but I do try to keep on top of myself so I can keep up with the ever changing climate around here and so my kids will always know that they can trust their parents, but that they have responsibilities as well that they need to live up to or there are consequences of their actions. |
| posted by julie on 02/19/2008 01:13 PM
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I grew up with divorced parents, they separated before I was two. I try to eliminate the bad parenting styles that they both used and focus on the good. My father and step mother were very strict Catholics and my mother was very lenient. I try to use the positives from both. I think coming from divorced parents has really helped me with my future step kids. I let them know from the beginning that I understand how it is for them, since I went through it myself. I also have four sisters and two brothers between the two marriages which helped me help the kids relate to their younger sister.
As for my man, he is an only child. (I always ask my MIL if he was really bad since they didn’t have anymore, LOL). He is laid back and doesn’t usually get angry. He expects the children to follow the rules and so far they do. I often wonder if they are afraid to get out of line, considering they have never seen their father get angry.
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| posted by on 02/19/2008 03:58 PM
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| Before I left my x-hubby,I did all the raising.He wouldnt discipline the kids for fear that later in life they would hate him.He wouldnt make them help me around the house.He wouldnt make them keep things clean.Said I was home all day and I alone needed to do it.It was all up to me to do the disciplining.I spent time w the kids and enjoyed them and all he wanted to do was stay on the pc or go hunting.A pastors wife once looked at me and said that i didnt have a clue and that I needed to learn responsibility.I looked at her and I said RESPONSIBILITY!Let me tell you about responsibility.I work 52 hrs a week,I teach Sunday School for you,I clean my house,I do all the cooking,I do all the laundry and I take care of all the bills cause my hubby doesnt want to worry or hassel w it.Plus I spend time w my kids,make sure they have what they need for school and homework,I take em to the store w me.We have family night every Friday night and we have wrestling 2 nights a week and a party every 2 months for my kids and their friends to rent RAW.How do you think that I need to learn responsibility?She said their souls! I said I bring them to church everytime the door is open what more am I suppose to do?Tell them about the Bible.I do that.Read to them.I do that.I finally told her that it is their choice in and if they choose to follow God.I can only plant the seed.She ended up making them take my Sunday teaching position away from me because she didnt think that I was doing enough for my kids.My mom took us to church everytime the door was open.She planted the seed.It was up to me and me alone to make that choice to follow God.We can lead and show our kids the right way to live;we can make em live by our rules until they leave our home; but if they choose to ignore it and ignore us ;there really isnt anything that we can do except continue to pray for them and hope that 1 day they see the light as they call it.I believe that w all my heart and try and live by it. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/19/2008 10:27 PM
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In line with my Christian beliefs, I believe that we should "train up a child in the way he should go." But going to church is not the only way we train our children's souls; in fact, church is only for a few hours a week.
If we trust that our children will get all the "religious" training they need from going to church, we will fall very short of our obligation as parents to train them. True training takes place day by day and hour after hour in real life.
If your child spends more time around influences that are appropriate to your religious beliefs most of the time, then they will learn what is needed for them to be more likely to choose the way of life you would choose for them. If, however, they spend most of their time with people who are against what you want them to learn, who are more interested in getting away with things than with living an honest life, who don't have a clue and will fall for anything, then your children aren't being prepared to choose a way of life that is similar to yours.
Church is good - I'm all for church. But church is a worship and fellowship forum and cannot make up for time spent living without God.
Lexi - that sounds like a church that doesn't need your talents anyway. You are probably better off without their legalism. |
| posted by Kelly on 02/20/2008 10:12 AM
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I was raised with very strict parents, but mostly my mom. My dad and her were always a unit even if she was wrong. The home was extremely traditonal and the boys were waited on hand and foot by my sister and I, the exact way my mom was raised...she was also a yeller. My dad was very passive and kept in support of her, but did not lead. We were all the same as her and if we were different, then it was wrong.
When I had my son at such a young age, I took a lot of those characteristics from her, leaving my son to feel isolated and alone. Also, she was able to have way more influence on him than she should of...her insults and constant disrespect, left me with no authority over him.
My husband was raised in a extreme situation, his dad was abusive and he was the protector for both his sister and mom, making him always right and dominant. He leads like my mom did...no room for error. His children from his first marriage were sad a lot and constantly looking for his approval.
I have learned through reading, church and counseling how to raise my kids with the good mix. My husband is a great leader...he just was never shown how to do it with a loving heart, making in turn his first marriage a failure. He has improved since we have been together, becoming a great husband and father. We have learned to take both of our experieces and molding it together to make a complete household. It is hard to see the affect of our first decisions has on our three oldest, but I have realized it was not permenent and everyday we are working towards a better and healthier environment. My son is now 12 1/2 and he has gained the respect for both my husband and I. Our girls have learned who is in charge, but also that it is with love that all the decisions are made in the home. |
| posted by Meek on 02/26/2008 01:06 PM
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