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Hello.
New to this whole chat thing. I am hoping this will help me with my stress issues. I am having a hard time dealing with my 5 year-olds lack of respect. He is a great kid. Really. He is just having issues right now and then I get stressed out and yell and well...it all goes down hill from there. I feel terrible, because I yell 90% of the time. I have tried to control it, but now I think my anger issues are affecting my son. Tonight my husband said to me "I feel like all we do is focus on the negative with our son...I feel we are breaking his spirit in some way...and that is why he is talking back and being disrespectful...I feel like all the effort to teach him right from wrong and proper manners has taken two steps back...instead of progressing he is regressing"
I agree with my husband 100% on this one. I just do not know what to do to get out of this cloud of stress and see things from a different point of view. Does anyone out there have any suggestions?? Any books on raising confident children?
Like I said, my son is a pretty good child. He is probably just acting his age, but my husband and I agree that we are determined to shower our child with love while disciplining him (time outs/to the thinking corner usually) as well
Now I know my yelling is not helping me or our family. I wish I had some balance in my life. I have given up any time for me and my husband just doesn't understand the stress I am under at times...he is clueless no matter how often I speak to him about it. I KNOW I would not be so "high strung" if I had friends and time to myself at least once a week (going to the cleaners or the grocery shouldn't count as me time)...Gosh...why is being a parent so difficult? Where is the manual that speaks about the efforts of parents to want the best for their children and raise good citizens...productive, caring, respectful citizens????
Thanks for listening. |
| Posted by H on 02/16/2008 09:19 PM
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| Wow, I feel you. I don't have a 5 year old, but stress is stress at any age. I know that you are most likely doing your very best but one thing that you may want to keep in mind is that children do what they see, and if when you get upset or angry, you yell, then when he gets upset or angry, he is going to yell. I don't know if your a Dr. Phil fan or not, but he has some GREAT books on the subject. Have you tried asking your husband for one night for you once a week, or even once every two weeks? Thats not to much to ask for, and you should never feel guilty for wanting that! I hope something that I said can help. I feel for you, I know how it is to feel alone with the exception of the family. Everyone needs friends. |
| posted by Tessa on 02/16/2008 09:57 PM
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| We all want to love our children!! I hate yelling and screaming. I am telling you therapy is great! I am not saying that you and your husband have problems by all means, but it gets you both out of the house, and talking to eachother, and they can work on a parenting plan so you both are on the same page!! It gives you time to listen to eachother!! Some places even offer childcare on site!!! Try it and see!! Good Luck! |
| posted by Jeanette on 02/16/2008 09:59 PM
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| Hi. I hear you! I have a 6 year-old son and he went through that stage briefly. I tend to be a yeller too. One book I really learned from was "Raising Cain". It explains how boys are. Once I had a better understanding about how they ticked, I knew which battles to pick. The first thing I did when my son started talking back, was to educate him on what was disrespectful by simplly saying, "That comment is desrespectful - we don't talk like that and this is your warning". The next time he did it, we put him in time out. Also, you can take away privledges, but make it "sound like" you are being positive. In the start of the day tell him that he will be able to do his favorite thing if he is respectful (and explain what respectful means to you). Our son enjoys video games and computer games and we allow him to do 30 minutes if he has been respectful that day. The key is to remain calm though. If you feel like your going to yell use the oldest technique.....count to ten! I also have a piece of paper reminding me to remain calm in situations, so when I wake up in the morning, I can read it. Another thing to do is use a rewards chart: some kids respond very well to this (my kids do). Use a smiley face or another sticker and a piece of paper or a calendar. Explain the goal and write it on the calendar. Everytime your son reaches the goal for that day, he gets a smiley face sticker on that day. Decide how many stickers make a reward, for example: 10 stickers = play a game with family; or a trip to the park; or watch a movie at home, etc. I hope this helps....I know it is a hard stage and most kids go through it! |
| posted by Kara on 02/17/2008 08:59 AM
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Hey, I have a 5 yr old son myself; he does the same thing. I think it's a stage they go through. We also have a 16 1/2 mos old son and an almost 6 mos old Jack Russell Terrier.
Sherry in upstate NY |
| posted by on 02/17/2008 09:09 AM
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| I stay at home now w my daughter and my hubby just told me that I am lazy and I must have a bf cause I am acting differently now towards him.I want you to analize this and tell me.I have 4 kids to care for.He works 46 hrs a week and I never get to go anywhere cause Ill use his gas.If I take money to go somewhere and get the kids something like snacks for school he says they dont need em even tho I just got a note saying they do.I took the kids over spring break last yr to the movie and he told me that they dont deserve it cause he makes all the money.Every time we have a fight now, I am lazy, hes my dog ;cause he cant take his whole check and do what he wants and pay the bills like he use too, ima shitey wife, ima shitey mom, I dont do enough housework cause the kids have chores,I should have the clothes done ;there shouldnt be 1 load in the laundry room,I suck in bed,im a skank,etc.Now all this is mental abuse;he goes off about 2 r 3 times a month and then he expects me to be sexually attracted to him.He expects me to forget it all and not be frustrated.We only have 1 car.The money is counted by the penny.My husband is a spendoholic.He took care of the money and we nearly lost our house.We did lose all his cc's,my car,phones electricity every other month.cable every other month,gas every other month.He would spend money on well I dont know what or who on.Hed spend my whole check and his whole check.he would sneak my debit card and take money out and I wouldnt know it.Now I have to make sure all the money is counted and the bills are paid and see the receipts or he wont pay and he'll keep the money.I hate living this way but I dont wanna be on the streets.I have to make sure now that the I have 1 friend here in Michigan and I get threatened that I better not tell anyone about our lives.Grocery store?I have to take him cause he has to tell me what he needs and wants.When I go to the library I take the kids.He says that he has no friends.I tell him to go and get some and his exact words are;I cant have friends like I want.Females.I told him if he needs other females that he wants to talk to so bad then go for it.All his x friends were alcoholics and ;he quit drinking; so he doesnt hang w them anymore.I lose my temper alot and I yell and I am stressed.He tells me thats what a SAHM is suppose to do.But you know what the most fkd up thing is?I was working 32 hrs a week, 3rd shift and I had to do all the laundry at a laundry mat 2 xs a week because he refused to buy me a washer and dryer,I was living off of 4 hrs a day of sleep,housework,dishes,mopping yardwork and taking care of the kids homework,and cooking.Hed get home after spending time w some lil ho laughing and having a good time and yell at us if 1 thing was out of place.When I told him I needed help he said that it was the womans job and that he was working enough and he didnt need to help.Says his first wife did it all and he didnt have to help.I also had to go and get his daughter at school everyday and cut hrs off my sleep.Now he is accusing me of having a gf because hes gone at night and if I am not wanting him in bed then I must have a bf on the pc or sneaking in at night while hes gone.So noe he wants a divorce.I dont care anymore.I cant handle this.I am stressed as much as I was w my first hubby who beat and cheated on me and my kids.So yes,I agree w you.A woman always gets the shite end of the deal.Its not fair for our kids.If the hubby had to do all the staying at home and waiting and be like we were,theyd commit suicide or end up in a mental institution.I dont know what to do.We are fixing to get our income tax money and he says hes not going to spend it like we planned on a car for me or new appliances for the kitchen.Hes thought about it and hes gonna take half; file for divorce and use it as he pleases.There is no manual.We live like we think is right and all we can do is pray that we do right by our children and they turn out normal even tho they have to go thru shite like you and I are going thru. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/17/2008 03:11 PM
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| OMG... the last girl almost had me in tears... I am going through something similar right now except that I am not married. My man and I have been 2gether 4 8 yrs on and off. I left him at least 7 times, but he always called me back and I came. As for yelling at the kids, I do to and I feel crappy about it, but you know what... I really think we are all doing the best we can with our children. If not, we would not have reached out to strangers for help. When our relationships are at a bad place we will tend to take the stress out on the kids. It is not right, but it is true.Being a SAHM is the hardest thing anyone can do....I for instance worked since 15, then just 2 yrs ago I had a good real estate career and a small business that was going well. I put it all on hold to have my 17month old. I agreed to leave my job making over 50k a yr which was good for how i lived, on a promise that I will be able to pick up on the real estate and business, but that never happened. My guy is in the mortgage industry that is in pure chaos right now, we have lost our house, we are just waiting on the "pink card" with the date to vacate. My car has been reported stolen b/c I couldn't make the payments and they can't find me at the moment.. Not answering the door. He also tells me I don't do shit. We have 4 kids, 1 is mine, 2 are his and 1 is ours. But I feel he favors his kids. When we argue he acts like our son doesn't exist. He went to a conference this past Mon-Wed where he found out he may be losing his job, I have been putting in apps everywhere and had a few interviews, but no bites yet. He even yells at me for not being hired, how is that my fault. I trying everything except getting on my knees. He tells me I can't clean, cook, finish anything, do anything, I don't keep myself up, etc, etc, etc. Anyway to sum it all up. I made a decision to leave today.... I can't take the mental part anymore.. I am better than what I have been doing with him and realize I do better on my own. There are shelters everywhere and alot of help out there, you just got to look. There is a lot more, but I have a fever and am getting dizi. By the way. He came back sick from his trip, i nursed him back to good health. I ended up getting sick and he won't even take the baby so I can rest. I have a temp of 102.5. I wish all of you that read this, love, respect and peace of mind.. |
| posted by Danielle on 02/17/2008 07:13 PM
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| Ok Lexi you need to leave your man. I am sorry but my husband is a great guy, and knows how much I do, or try to do durning the day. Every Sunday I go to mothers coffee at starbucks and hangout with the moms in the mommy group I attend. I feel awful that you can't even take your children a f~in movie! I would say screw him and find a new man! |
| posted by Jeanette on 02/17/2008 08:30 PM
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Hello and my DEEPEST gratitude for all the moms who replied to my message about "What's a SAHM to do with ALL this stress..."
My heart goes out to Lexi and Danielle. I thought I was stressed GOD only knows the stress they face on a minute by minute basis. This is a great way to vent with other moms who understand and while each situation may be vastly different the common bond between us is the fact that we are all SAHM's trying to do the best job we can with the (little or unknown) resources we have. We ALL want the best for our children even under the most difficult of circumstances. When I spoke about my husband I want to make it clear that he is a great father to our children but sometimes just misses the mark when it comes to me and my needs. I wish all the SAHM's out there peace, comfort and joy...I am working hard to find the joy in every moment even under the most stressful of situations and taking your advice and thoughts to heart....thank you. |
| posted by H on 02/17/2008 08:44 PM
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| I have 2 great books that I found amazing for situations like these; they are: P.E.T. by Gordon and Parenting with Love and Logic by Fay. The last of these 2, I found a little more useful, but both are amazing, it is just that the first is more theory, but please read it anyway! It is right up your alley. I also have anger issues and I found both of these to be priceless, though I do still have boughts of anger, at least I am learning. And, like you, I only want the best for them, but I do the opposite most of the time. An amazing place to find mom's groups and friends are your local Christian church or a YMCA, both is even better! |
| posted by sarah on 02/21/2008 09:55 PM
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Thank you, Sarah for the great resources. I will be sure to get the book on love and logic. It is really comforting to know I am not alone when it comes to this stress.
I agree, I need to find a church home. One that my family and I feel comfortable with. There is one that we frequent often and my son seems to enjoy it, I am just not that great at "reaching out" to others in order to become more involved in the church. I guess you could say, since being at home I have lost my "outgoing gene"...Anyway, thanks again for the help.
It is so hard most days...Super Nanny makes it all look so easy...Sometimes we moms get stuck in a rut (at least that is how I feel) and we need that extra set of eyes to help us see through this fog called motherhood. |
| posted by H on 02/21/2008 10:58 PM
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| First I just wanted to say say that my heart goes out to Lexie and Danielle and I hope things turn around for you guys. I know what yall are saying about your 5 yrd old with their attitudes. Mine is starting to be a smarta$$ and soemtimes he just doesnt listen. Especially when it is clean up and I know about the yelling my voice sometimes goes out and thats when I feel like crap. I hate yelling at him but if I yell he still does not do as I ask or behave, but when his dad gets on to him seems like he listens a little more and his feelings get hurt. Whats up with that. What helps me is that I joined a play group and also I got into selling Avon. So at least I get out of the house when I go through mag. or go to an Avon meeting. At least that is a little me time. Hope this stage that he is going through gets cause God knows that Im going to be getting lots of gray hair. lol |
| posted by Jessica on 02/22/2008 10:40 AM
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Jessica,
You are so funny. I feel the same way. My husband is the "Good Cop" and yet can still be firm and my son listens, while I am the "Bad Cop" and yell and STILL nothing gets accomplished. I have found I yell more out of personal frustration and wanting to be in control. It is just recently that I have found that I am more of a control freak than I ever thought I was especially now that I have children. It is like I am just too scared for them to make mistakes and get very upset when they do...I KNOW this is NOT good for them. I also see that the things I am not happy with in my life (i.e. weight gain issues, lack of self confidence, lack of socializing) has had an impact on my children. And it make me very upset to think I was once this outgoing, funny, energetic, fit person my children would be proud of; to this not so great, less than mediocre mom. AND this is NOT what I want my children to think is normal. What do I do???
When I first started to stay at home with David, I did some contract work, but as he got older I had to put that aside so I took up AVON. While I enjoyed it, it seemed I did not make the kind of money that this venture took up in (my) time. It was a lot of work to manage both family and getting AVON orders out and in and all that it entails. I applaud you for doing it. I wish you much success. AVON is a reputable company and is one of the oldest companies in America (if not the oldest). It just wasn't the right venue for me. I think I will go back to contract work as my children get older...?
You know, does anyone every struggle with the idea of going back to work in order to feel like a better mom?
I know there is this struggle between moms who work outside of the home and moms who work inside the home with their children and managing the household affairs. I personally harbor no ill will towards those mothers who work outside of the home because some have no choice, but I will say that if one has a choice they should not "pawn" their responsibilty off on someone else, but a mommy's -day-out program works for me. However, I can see why some moms want to go back to work. I often struggle with QUANTITY vs. QUALITY issue. I think I would be a better mom if I spent fewer hours with my children, appreciating them and spending "special" time with them rather than spending ALL DAY with them yelling at every mistake and feeling like I am breaking their spirit (which is not what I want to do).
Yes. Play groups are fine, but they are often a popularity contest where I live...it is more about what mom's are wearing, driving, husbands career, what school your kid is going to...than it is about bonding with fellow moms and relaxing. I prefer to NOT judge a book by its cover, but rather see what its value is on the inside. And, again it goes back to my own personal self-worth issues...
Well...NOW THAT I HAVE RAMBLED ON LONG ENOUGH...perhaps there is someone out there that can see what it was I was trying to say...and respond to my query in a clearer, concise manner...I have not had my second cup of coffee yet and my children are running around like wild billy goats while I write this. So, excuse the errors...HA! Thanks again, for listening. |
| posted by H on 02/22/2008 11:17 AM
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Hi all,
Lexi and Danielle, I am so sorry for what you are going through! Being a SAHM really is the hardest thing in the world and to have to deal with these other issues is really icing on the cake! I feel so blessed to have a really good guy who tries really hard. Having said that, i am still stressed out b/c my son gets sick every month for like 2 weeks and lack of sleep has really made me a different person. It's like you said, H, I used to be very easy going and fun and sympathetic, and now I feel like I've turned into a nuerotic b*****, I think I am one of those people who need to work to be a "better" mother, because, as much as I love my son, I do not relish spending 24/7 with him. I am trying to "enjoy" my time with him as the doctor suggested and not get stressed out, but it's hard to "enjoy" my time when he is crying his head off at 2 in the morning because of his sixth ear infection! I am with you, H. When I have had a night like that, I yell at my husband and sometimes my son, even though I know it's not their fault. I don't know what to do about it except maybe get a part time job or something and some help where I can take a break! |
| posted by Lalitha on 02/22/2008 02:42 PM
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| Barb, I am coming over and I am going to smack some sense into your hubby, ok? ((((((Hugs)))))))) To Barbara, call me we'll chat. |
| posted by on 02/22/2008 04:04 PM
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| Was gone all day Daun.Was enjoying the sunlight that finally graced us w its presence! Gawd it was beautiful today here!We were out looking for that second car.Hes acting better this week.If I take up for myself then he gets upset but if I just sit let him rant and rave he'll finally shut up.I guess I put up w alot.Hopefully it can only get better.Oh ,and btw the car is going in my name.That way if he has a tantrum and says leave; I'll at least have a car thats not in his name right? |
| posted by Lexi on 02/22/2008 05:53 PM
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