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My husband has got to be the most stubborn and ignorant person i know right now. He spent 5 years in the military as a cop becuase he said thats what he really wants to do. So he gets out and we move back to montana to be near family. Because we have katie he took the first job he got, which was working as a mechanic at the mine. He makes good money but the hours really really suck. He spends 4 hrs a day on a bus, two each way, then works a 10 hr shift. He does this for 6 days then 4 off, then 7 nights then 4 off. He had a PERFECT opportunity to become a cop here. My cousins husband just made sergent( which i guess is a high position) and he told me to have matt apply because the city was looking for 6 new cops. They pay would have been the same, but less hours, and more overtime pay. The mine only starts overtime when the employee reaches 40 hrs, where as the city starts overtime after 8 hours.
So anyway my big beef with him is that he didn't apply to be a cop because he said that it was not the right time for him to be changing jobs, and because one of the guys he works with at the time applied and never got called (I found out he never got called because his backround check came back bad) so thats another reason he didn't want to apply, he didn't think he'd get the job and thought it was a waste of time. He just called me and told me to look for a new job for him because this stupid union is taking away one of their days off. Now his schedule is 6-3 and 7-3. Mind you on his days off he has to switch from a night schedule to a day schedule and vise versa. I don't want to rub it in his face that he should have done as i told him. Now I'll never see him, and neither will his daughter. I have so much other stress to deal with right now i can't handel my husband possibly quiting his job. We would have to live with my parents!! (AAAGGGHH) I just don't know what to do. I know he won't look for another job and he'll wait for me to do it. But.... ahhh i just don't know what to do. |
| Posted by Amanda on 02/14/2008 09:21 PM
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| Maybe try looking for him. I looked everywhere and talked to everyone for my husband. He just didn't have time or the patience to do it. So I filled out apps and got his resume's everywhere I could. I would let him know which places and what for, and tell him to be expecting calls. haha It paid off and we are very happy with his job. |
| posted by Amy B. on 02/15/2008 11:59 AM
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| Im going to be devil's advocate here.Maybe, just maybe, he doesnt want to be a cop.If a man wants something;he goes after it.Especially a man in/out of the military.They are conditioned that way.Maybe he wants to be around for you and ur child and not have to worry about getting shot and killed.A man's pride is worth more to him not having to admit something like that to you.He isnt going to tell you he scared of not coming home to you.I think you should just let it go.Id be petrified to think that my hubby had to go out and be a cop and not ever come home.I know, I know ;he could get killed driving or mugged and killed, but the odds about being shot, being a cop are more. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/15/2008 04:21 PM
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No, I know he wants to be a cop, it's what he's wanted to do since he was a kid, he's told me several times. He's just a shit and doesn't want to listen to me when i tell him he needs to do something. He's never listened to me about important things like this. This isn't the first time he's passed up a good job because he doesn't want me to be right. I talked to him about it last night and he says "well heinz sight is 20/20" well that doesn't pay the bills or make for a good marriage.
As for doing it for him, thats something i'm just not going to do. It may sound terrible but i do EVERYTHING for him. And i mean EVERYTHING. When it comes to some things he just doesn't want to grow up and take the responsability. He was raised by his grandma and she did everything for him, so now he expects the same of me. I'm sorry i have other things to do. I had to go bck to work part time to help pay some of our bills, so now i have even less time. I"m not super mom, i just want a husband who will do things for himself. |
| posted by Amanda on 02/15/2008 11:26 PM
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amanda, I just talked to my brother who is a cop and he said Military backgrounds are great in applying... I am not sure where you live but we live in California and with over-time my brother does pretty well .. My brother-in-law is a police officer too. Well if you ask my husband he would tell him to be a firefighter/paramedic because that is what he had done fore ten years but all in all the mines are prob. dangerous in some aspects and police and fire are dangerous but if he wants to pursue it all you can do is encourage, he might be scared of rejection because he is did for a while in the military that experience would really help him so I would just encourage him unless you said it might be to stressful to quit his job, maybe he could apply for a reserve position with the police in your local town and see if he likes it... alot of time they hire reserve officers. well it sounds like he has a pretty hectic schedule as it is...
heidi |
| posted by heidi on 02/16/2008 12:10 AM
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| Hi Amanda. I think I married your husband's twin. I know how you feel about having to do everything and make all the decisions and be responsible for every last thing. My husband has no initiative, he never thinks for himself, never plans for anything, and anything that goes wrong is never his fault! Sorry, I needed to vent too, |
| posted by Wendi on 02/16/2008 01:46 PM
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Hi wendi,
Does your hubby complain about taking out the trash? If i ask mine when he comes home from work i get the "but i just worked 14 hrs, i'll do it later" Yet when i come home from work, (even on his days off) i get a load of dishes in and start dinner, and clean up, and feed the baby, and get her ready for bed, then put her to bed, then eat dinner. All the while he's sitting at the computer "relaxing" somedays i could just strangle the man. |
| posted by Amanda on 02/17/2008 12:06 PM
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| Hi Amanda, He doesn't complain, but he says he will do it later and then never does. He never disagrees with me and he tells me what I want to hear at that moment, but then he never does what he says he is going to do. I tell him all the time to just tell me what he really is going to do and what he isn't, so that I can plan on taking care of it. The only thing that I have asked him to be completely responsible for is emptying the dishwasher, he does it about once a week. I am responsible for everything from bills to laundry and everything to do with our daughter. It's like they think that because they get paid for their job we owe them. They have no clue what it takes to be a SAHM! My brother in-law called me the other day and yelled at me saying that I don't do enough for my husband, because I won't schedule his appointments for him for his business. The only time I would heave to sit on the phone would be my daughter nap, and I don't think that it would be very effective. Every time I am around my mother-in-law, the only question she asks me is "What do you do with all your time?" I'm sorry that your son has to get up and shower and dress himself so he can go to work for 9 hours and then come home to a clean house and dinner and a daughter that is well behaved and learning new things everyday, while he doesn't have to worry about the bills, shoveling the snow, laundry, food, etc... I could go on and on! So to make a long story short, I'm feelin ya sister! |
| posted by Wendi on 02/17/2008 02:48 PM
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I don't think mother-in-law's remember that hey were once in our shoes.. I also think I used to be one of those because I worked for a long time and was thirty years old with my first child... I will admit I had no clue... I used to think what to stay at home moms do all day... Oh my I had no idea it is 24 7 365.... one time my mother-in-law made a comment too and I remember feeling so overwhelmed.... they may work outside the home but we put in all together for them.. they would not make it to work if we did not feed them clothe them grocery shop for them pay the bills for them we are the all parts that keeps the car running so to speak, so I really don't like the comment what do you do all?? the question is what to I not do because basically we do everything..........
when the children are sick I think is the hardest time fore me, I really feel overwhelmed and there is the fact that no matter how sick we are we can not be sick because we are MOMS... we could have a hundred degree fever and there we are in the kitchen or giving our children a bath or doing laundry... our work is never done... this job is so rewarding because it is a great gift we can give our children but we have to remind that and support eachother because alot of times our husbands mother-in-laws and others are quick to judge or or point out what we are doing wrong but where are they in the middle of the night when we are helping our child with a night terror or waking up to help a sick child so I have learned so much in the last couple of years... ok I am done ranting.. at least we can support eachother here..... shout out "GREAT JOB" to all of you!!! |
| posted by heidi on 02/17/2008 10:55 PM
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| yes yes yes!!! |
| posted by Lexi on 02/17/2008 11:02 PM
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| Heidi, you are right on the money! |
| posted by Wendi on 02/17/2008 11:10 PM
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| I am so glad I am not alone, I felt so alone the first year or so as a stay at home mom, but lately I know I am not alone... you know how at work our husband have co-worker friends where we stay at home moms I guess are eachothers co-workers because we are in the same jobs..... |
| posted by heidi on 02/17/2008 11:50 PM
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thanks wendi, I like what you said about when something goes wrong it is never your husbands fault my husband can be like that alot too, so I am glad you vented... alot of times I just think because he is in a high stress job being a firefighter /paramedic and helping save lifes all the time he wants to come home to a perfect environment. but there is no such thing especially with two children... One thing I have learned is no matter what you believe you have to have grace for one another with children because blaming eachother gets nowhere.... I know because whenever I leave the kids with him I come home and the house is a wreck but I was just happy to get out so lately instead of saying anything I have been trying give kindness and praise to him on what a good job he does with the kids so that I get that in return, does not always happen but hey one can DREAM!!!!
he always says I make him feel like he can not do anything right with the kids.. so I have had to really work on that.. That is hard to let go of that control... sometimes I have to walk out of the room and just let it go , that is so hard but some things I can not let go but I am a work in progress. I think because this is my main job taking care of the home and the kids that I go way overboard... but I am working on that... ok i will be quiet now for a while at least..........
maybe they secretly get on us because they wish they could be like us.... ok wishfullllllllllllll thinkingggggggggggggg!!!!!!!
LOL!!!!!!! |
| posted by heidi on 02/18/2008 12:03 AM
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| My co-workers are my dishwasher, washing machine and dryer! (and they don't talk much) LOL! That first year was very hard for me too, what a life change! It has been difficult this winter, because we have been stuck in the house so much. When I was working I didn't realize that I needed to be around people, I really didn't think that I would be lonely most of the time staying at home. That was a big suprise. Maybe that's why my husband doesn't truely understand, because he has never done it. |
| posted by Wendi on 02/18/2008 12:07 AM
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| I really do need to try harder to highlight the positive things that he does, but it gets difficult when he shows no effort. But you are totally right, I think I'll try it for awhile. |
| posted by Wendi on 02/18/2008 12:13 AM
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| it is not easy een today I am trying to practice what I preach but it is not easy, we usually have nice seasons here in california but we do have the fires and we had alot of rain this year for us... It must be tough during the winter to keep your sanity .................... |
| posted by heidi on 02/18/2008 06:58 PM
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| It is tough during the winter. Either it's snowing or it seems she is sick when the weather is nice. |
| posted by Wendi on 02/18/2008 08:23 PM
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| Well heres the crappy part about my hubby not pitching in around the house, i had to go back to work cuz the bills were really pilling up. I only work part time (yeah ok so maybe i shouldn't be in this group but i was a SAHM for quite a while) i've only been back at work for about 2 weeks. i had to have my mom take the baby for the weekend because i was soooo tired. It's so hard to get up and get her ready and get me ready, take her to daycare, go to work all day, then go pick her up and then come home and do a load of dishes, get diner on, and so on and so forth. My hubby thinks i'm super mom cuz his grandma did it ( he was raised by his grama from age 5) i hate to say it but i'm not, i can't do everything. and wendi u'r right, we don't get to be sick. I get migraines and most of the time when i have one the hubby says he'll take care of the baby, well we all know how that goes. I go lay down, after i've taken my migrain pill, and in about 15 min i hear the baby crying, hubby says ok u'r going to bed. No bath, no bottle, no nothing. So i have to get up, give her a bath, give her a bottle and get her back to bed. He refuses to give her a bath, that drives me nuts!! His solution to her crying is go to bed. Somedays i think he just doesn't care to learn how to care for a baby. |
| posted by Amanda on 02/18/2008 10:28 PM
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| dont u go anywhere amanda. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/18/2008 10:30 PM
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amanda hang in there.... I work part-time too!! very part-time but we are still home the majority of the time so don't go anywhere , we all need eachother to vent.. I know how you feel my huband's mom was super mom betty crocker, cleaned and a wonderful home cook meal on the table every night and a spotless house.... but Like I tell my husband please don't compare me to your mother I am me I do the best I can .... just like you are you and you do the best you can... You are working and taking care of everything because you are actually a super woman too!! you just don't see it... I don't know how you do it... that is a tough schedule your husband has not only for him but for you and your daugher.....
keep up the good work!!! |
| posted by heidi on 02/19/2008 12:04 AM
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