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Has anyone ever heard of your ex calling your child by a different name because he decided he doesn't like the name you gave him/her when he/she was born?
My ex has decided that because our daughters name doesn't start with the letter T, like he and all of his sisters names, to call her Talissa instead of Alissa. I just found out about it by looking at his blog- he attached one for Her that he created and has it written as though she was writing it and the name of the blog is Talissa >>>> . And he has her refer to herself as Talissa.
To be frank- I'm freaked out about this. But I can't find anything about anyone ever doing this- online or elsewhere. And my lawyer hasn't either. I am going to talk to a psychologist and determine what kind of damage this could do to her. But mostly- has anyone else had this happen to them? Or ever heard of this happening? If you have, do you know what happened, any damage this did, or how they got it stopped?
I am really worried about how this will affect my daughter when she is old enough to understand, not to mention the confusion she will feel when saying her name/learning her name and having one name at my house and a second at his.
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| Posted by Kate on 02/13/2008 12:48 PM
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| my daughters name is jenna and i call her jenna benna bear. my son josh, and i call him joshie, bubbas and josh potatoes...i know you're upset, but i think it's nothing to worry about...just tell her it's a nickname her daddy calls her..that her name is alissa...how old is she? if you freak out about it, she will..if you are fine with it, she'll be fine. i don't think it's going to do damage..just my opinion |
| posted by robin on 02/14/2008 03:24 AM
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I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it unless he is doing it out of spite. have you discussed this with him? Are you on speaking terms with him? I ask because you rfer to your lawyer and I am guessing that is your way of communicating with him. ( boy that's gotta be expensive) I also call me daughter all kinds of nicknames since she was a an infant and she is perfectly fine. I think you daughter will be okay I would worried if he called her terrible names (ala Alec Baldwin yelling terrible names at his daughter on her voicemail)
more than her name with an extra letter. I call my daughter Gabriella... ( I pronounce it Gah bree ella I am of hispanic descent and I hobla espanol too) and her mother used to call her Bella and guess which name she uses when she introduces herself? or what they call her in school? Yup.... Bella... mommies always win! and that's okay too trust me I was called all kinds of names by my parent when I did foolish things but I know that it's wasn't with any hatred or malice it was just there way of expressing disbelief at my stupity. hahaha I could tell you some stories.
Good luck |
| posted by Robert on 02/14/2008 09:16 PM
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I know people think I am over-reacting, but these are the types of things he does. All the time. Calling her Talissa, picking her up early from day care without telling me, getting her baptized without telling me. And these are just the things I found out about this week.
If it were a nickname I wouldn't care- but he is literally trying to get her to call herself by a different name. It's a game to him- if she ends up calling herself Talissa he views it as him winning. It has nothing to do with her or caring about her- its about him winning against me, getting me, upsetting me. Thanks to counseling I am fully aware of that. Unfortunately my daughter will have to pay for it. Even with little things like what clothes she wears- every time he has her he changes her clothes (she's 4 months and can't stop him yet). I try to buy her nice clothes that are appropriate for the weather, cute and fit her. He puts her in clothes that are anywhere from 12 months to 18 months and while some of them are cute- most of them are not weather appropriate for northern michigan.
The name thing was just one more thing he has done to "win" and "get me". And he does win because I do let it bother me at first. Now that I am calmer I realize he is just being spiteful and trying to get me and I know that I will just have to reinforce with her that her name is not Talissa as she gets older and try to minimize the impact he has on her with some of his games against me. |
| posted by Kate on 02/15/2008 08:07 AM
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i have major power struggles with my ex. i tell him i'll drop them at his house, he says he'll pick them up..i say i'll meet him w/kids at mcdonalds, he says burger king..everything is difficult with this man. it's so so frustrating. he let my 7 and 5 year old watch the simpsons movie, knowing it's not appropriate, and knowing i wouldn't approve...he doesn't hesitate in keeping them up later than they should knowing they should go to bed early for school...and on and on. i have only a handful of times shown him my frustration towards him but do my darndest to remain composed. you would not believe the verbal abuse i've sustained from this man since our seperation/divorce. i hope your daughter grows up feeling loved by both of you and that you don't talk bad about her dad to her or around here..that's never good!!
good luck to you hon, i know how frustrating ex's can be..believe me!!! |
| posted by robin on 02/15/2008 04:15 PM
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Remember that saying "he who angers you controls you"
Don't give him the satisfaction. Trust me it's his way of controling your life and if he does any man you date will see this and it could affect that relationship.
Be the better person. I think Ghandi said " an eye for an eye and soon the whole world is blind"
Good Luck to you |
| posted by Robert on 02/15/2008 04:50 PM
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Oh no, I call my son Jayden...Charlie Brown sometimes. I didn't realize how often it slipped until my son's father told me to stop calling him Charlie! I gave him a funny look until I started to realize that Jayden actually responds to BOTH Jayden and Charlie Brown! (AHHH)!!
Now he is just called Jayden! |
| posted by Elise on 02/24/2008 06:39 PM
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| Well you are not alone. My ex did not like her name I picked out either and still to this day he calls her any name but Paityn. She responds to both names... and peaches... my nickname for her. Letting go is hard what you share such a bond with someone you don't care for and does not respect your wishes. Save yourself a lot of heart ache and time... he will play the game as long as you do... quite the game. If you want your daughter to push guys like that out of her life it starts with you... don't give him the significance to matter to you. She will come to learn boundaries to mistreatment such as the kind he hands out. If he continues he will only hurt his relationship with her, because she will not appreciate any man mistreating her mama father or otherwise. You love her and want to protect her that is obvious... just disconnect from his childish ways and stay your course being a loving, involved mom. She will figure it all out in the end. |
| posted by Shannon on 03/03/2008 10:26 PM
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First let me say "that's messed up." My boyfriend and his mother disapproved of the name I gave our daughter and pressured me to change her name. They did allow me to go with the first name I had chosen for her, so I had some control in the matter. Years later I found out the original name I gave her was the name of one of his girlfriends at the time of our daughter's birth and the middle name I chose was the same middle name of his ex-wife - a little ironic huh? So there was a reason for it even though he wasn't grown up enough to explain the reasons to me.
It sounds like the "T" thing is really important to his family. I read an article about the sound of names and the impact they have on people like to their body and emotions, it was really interesting. Anyway here's the point I want to make: it is really cool that he wants his daughter to be connected to his family, so she fits in with the "T Gang" he is trying to include her so she is part of the clan. Also, I don't know the whole story here, but he may be trying to feel like he has some part in her life when he feels left out or out of the loop so to speak.
As difficult as this is, if it were me, I would praise him for being so creative and I would call my daughter Talissa. Look at it this way, you got to choose 6 letters of the name. He only chose 1, but his one letter is going to create a positive connection between your daughter and her father AND his family for the rest of her life.
Think about you and your dad. Didn't you want to be connected to him in every way possible? I have a pretty messed up dad and yet I still want to be connected and feel like I'm part of him.
If you choose to turn this into a power struggle guess who gets hurt? That's right - your daughter. As difficult as it will be for you, praise him for the name and allow him to be part of her life in this simple way. You daughter will hear the story years later and know that you and her father worked together on something, that's what kids need to see, it's good for them.
This answer comes from years of my own frustrations somewhat similar to yours, only I don't feel like anyone had answers for me that made sense, so I caused pain to my children through the whole process.
If you choose to do something else, I can totally understand why. So whatever you choose, I pray the best for you, your daughter and her father.
One last thought, I think you are a very loving and concerned mother for taking the time to find out about the impact this will have on your daughter and I can understand the pain it must be causing you. You daughter is very lucky to have you for her mother. |
| posted by Denise on 06/21/2008 07:50 AM
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| Oddly enough- my ex wasn't to different. One of the names he wanted for our daughter was the name of a woman he had cheated on me with. The scary part- he didn't even remember dating that woman. |
| posted by Kate on 07/11/2008 01:10 PM
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| Oddly enough- my ex wasn't to different. One of the names he wanted for our daughter was the name of a woman he had cheated on me with. The scary part- he didn't even remember dating that woman. |
| posted by Kate on 07/11/2008 01:10 PM
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This actually happened to my brother. My little brother was named Anthony Frank, so my mother and my brothers dad decided to call him franky, then when they broke up my mom changed his name to tony. He was definatly confused by the whole thing, but I can't say that it caused any damage. He later had to get counsiling, but there was more than his name change that called for it. My mom decided to call him franky again.
I would do anything you can to stop this from confusing your child. I believe my mom was court ordered to call him by the original name.
Good Luck. |
| posted by on 07/13/2008 02:42 PM
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| This actually happened to my brother. My little brother was named Anthony Frank, so my mother and my brothers dad decided to call him franky, then when they broke up my mom changed it to tony. She was court ordered to call him franky again, so I know my brother was confused by the whole thing. I would take it to court if he doesn't stop. Your child doesn't deserve that. Good Lck |
| posted by on 07/13/2008 02:46 PM
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