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Adolescence is about nothing if it's not about change! Connecting with dad isn't such a bad thing (unless dad's a jerk) because your son is finishing off his learning on how to be a man.
I ask my husband to talk to my 16yo some about things because I know that he thinks his dad is "cooler" than I am. He just listens to him better about things. |
| posted by Kelly on 01/30/2008 09:27 AM
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Join the club. My son did that to me at first. It escalated and got out of control. He would go to his father for everything. Why? His father was not my equal partner when it came to disciplining, his father was his friend. His father did not have discipline as a child, and he carried that experience into ours. IT did not work for long. We ended up in counseling, and that seemed to nip it in the butt. It was thru counseling, where we learned alittle bit about ourselves, including our son.
Currently, we are experiencing "grades vs friends", and I will damned if my kid prefers friends over grades.
In short, kids are funny, don't take it personally, it is just a phase, eventually they will come around. |
| posted by esther on 01/30/2008 12:00 PM
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It's good that he's connecting with papa because that's his loooong-time step-dad and it has not always been an easy relationship.
However, the frustration is that he suddenly doesn't want to communicate, he wants to ignore or challenge me all the time right now. Some of this is absolutley developmental, just not so easy to deal with! |
| posted by mamakats on 01/30/2008 01:00 PM
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Our son will be 16 shortly and he has spent more time with his father this year than ever. That is wonderful, I have a fantastic husband and father and they learn things from each other. This is the natural direction God wants for a young man.
I do understand the feelings of the mother though, I go through them as well. One thing that I do enjoy is that I have a couple of likes that we share, interest in Discovery/Animal shows, and reading the newspaper, and politics so that my son and I still connect a few times during the week. |
| posted by Tina on 01/30/2008 02:44 PM
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Flip-Flopper
When my son Michael hit puberty, he morphed into someone for whom, on any given day, "Hello, how are you?" might be too personal a question. Where once we'd been close, now he'd scoff at my opinions, dismiss my suggestions, and accuse me of yelling when I hadn't even raised my voice. Then he'd turn on a dime and leave a message on my cell phone just to say he loved me.
That scenario, as many parents know, is all too typical, and is usually accompanied by your teen's burning need to deny your very existence. The child who just a couple of years ago barely gave you space to breathe now refuses to be seen in public with anyone in the family -- especially you. Oh, and by the way, you've also transformed into the worst parent on the planet. Except if she needs someone to listen. Right this minute.
What is going on? She's breaking away, that's what. The "I'm becoming my own person" phase of growing up that can be as annoying, confusing, and even painful -- for kids and parents -- as it is necessary. "A child's struggle for independence is a cycle of pushing and pulling that gets repeated over and over again," says Larry Aber, PhD, professor of applied developmental psychology at New York University. "He has to test limits and experiment with separation from you." He moves away when he's able to cope -- then comes running back when life gets too scary. "The key developmental task for teens is to shape their identity and separate from their family," says Robin M. Deutsch, PhD, coauthor of 7 Things Your Teenager Won't Tell You -- and How to Talk About Them Anyway (Ballantine Books). The result is a molting process, during which they gradually shed dependency and prove to themselves, and to their parents, that they are now ready to make their own decisions and handle responsibility.
The problem is, their ability to reason, plan, and control themselves is still developing, says Deutsch. "So there's a constant battle between a teen's reasoning side and the part of the brain that controls the emotions." Usually emotions win. As a result, "kids this age often feel powerless," says child psychiatrist Ron Zodkevitch, MD, a member of Family Circle's Health Advisory Board. "Behind the rebellion and bravado lies a wellspring of insecurities." This, to put it mildly, can be difficult to live with. Staying close to a teen when she seems hell-bent on pushing you away requires patience and skill. But it is possible to guide your child through the breaking-away years without losing your mind.
www.parents.com also has behavior and resposibilities |
| posted by Lexi on 01/30/2008 02:52 PM
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| I had always assumed that teenage boys would connect with their dads more then their moms. I saw it with my older brother and now with my ss. |
| posted by on 01/30/2008 02:56 PM
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| I didn't get to finish, Emilie felt I was done responding. I don't feel that it is a bad thing. I guess that maybe when they are entering puberty they feel their dads understand more. |
| posted by on 01/30/2008 03:21 PM
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Lexi, loved your reply. You are right. My son comes around sometimes, but, when I do things out of the blue for him, he really appreciates it and acknowledges me. The way it is now, he keeps in constant communication with his father. When I am home, he will come into my room and crash on my bed, other times, he won't set foot in my room. I always thought it was due to his emotions-PMS for boys. Overall, he is a good kid. But, when he doesn't speak to me, I don't take it personal. I know it is him and the phase he is going thru.
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| posted by esther on 01/30/2008 06:17 PM
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| I found that page at parents.com. and it reminded me of my 6 boys in Texas before I moved to Michigan.I wouldnt go into their rooms but when they were at school and clean.I wouldnt ask em stuff.Id be cleaning or in my room or at the pc and theyd approach me plop on my bed to talk or if I was real lucky theyd pick me up and take me outside and attack me on the trampoline.God I miss those days!Other times theyd fight and argue amongst themselves on who got to escort mom on the weekly store visit for groceries.I never pushed em to talk to me or tell me what was wrong.If they had trouble w some 1 at school being 6 of them ;they took care of the problems.If it still persisted then psycho mom to the rescue of driving to the kids house and talking to the parents and telling them they better keep their child in tact or her and I would go at it.That always worked cause w 6 boys;I got this awful rep w/o even having to do anything lol! |
| posted by Lexi on 01/31/2008 01:09 PM
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| Oh I didnt see the reply about the spending time w the dads more.Gawd...........I use to cringe when x-hubby would spend time w the boys.The only time it was good was when theyd go hunting.The life-skills suxed though.Women are for cooking,cleaning,and sex.Women are ignorant and need to be kept in-line.If you do not keep your woman in-line you are not a real man.Women that have guys for friends are hos.Keep your money;do not make the mistake and let the wife have your paycheck.Women were not meant to work.Women were meant to stay at home and tend to their families and if they have gfs theyll go out and look for guys and if they have guy friends, its already there.Thats what my boys grew up thinking and were taught by my x.Some men, thx God, are not like that.I hope my boys learn to differentiate between what I taught them and what they saw from him. |
| posted by Lexi on 01/31/2008 01:39 PM
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| I'm pretty lucky right now that my x- has so flipped out that he's not allowed around anymore, before that he when far out of his way to undermine everything and his parents (now dubbed 'the out-laws' ) were just as manipulative. Of course, just when I thought I'd lose it this week, my teenboy pulled it together to ask how he could do better! I'm kinda weirded out because when girls go all PMS-y it's easy to attribute it to hormones and when boys go all PMS-y it's hard to see the testosteroney coming until it BAMS! Deep breathing is my new mantra I guess.... |
| posted by mamakats on 01/31/2008 11:41 PM
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| You know I honestly believe that guys after puberty go thru PMS also.I mean usually once a month they do weird stuff.And of course it isnt macho to call it PMS.I use to say Oh God theres that once a month mood again coming out! |
| posted by Lexi on 02/01/2008 02:51 PM
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| if only there was some obviousness about the 'cycle'! |
| posted by mamakats on 02/01/2008 07:31 PM
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