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I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and the courts are more interested in his rights than in my daughters well-being.
Someone has to protect her from him and they won't let me do it. They would rather give him time with her and let him hurt her than protect her from him. They are letting him hurt my daughter. She is only 3 months old and he is already criticising her all the time and making comments about how she isn't little and tiny and he told me he leaves her sitting alone in the bedroom while he goes and does things in other parts of his house. She can't even sit up on her own yet! But his rights are so important. He kicked her and I out when she was five days old. But that doesn't matter because he wants her now. The fact that he didn't show any interest in her for over a month after he did that doesn't matter. It just matters to them that he wants to spend time with her now.
I am all for fathers who are good fathers being able to see their kids- but they are the ones that do because they are the ones still married or with their kids mother. God fathers, good men don't leave their childrens mother for another woman, they don't decide that they are tired of being in a relationship or that they can't handle a commitment. I'm sorry but any man who can't handle the commitment of a relationship- how is he going to handle the committment of having a child? Good fathers- They aren't the ones who walk off and leave for whatever reason. They aren't the ones who want you to stop breastfeeding so they can get overnight visits sooner. They don't take a 3 month old for a walk in 15 degree weather and bring her home with windburn. And they don't make you come up with their parenting time schedule because they can't be bothered. They actually put their child first. They actually consider their health and well-being and don't use their child to manipulate the mother or to hold her somewhere close so that they can keep abusing her.
But the courts only see that they want to spend time with the child in the here and now. It doesn't matter to them what happened in the past. It doesn't matter that what happened before shows a pattern of behavior that isn't going to change. These men don't suddenly see the light and become good fathers or men who want to be with their children. They havne't changed. They just said the right things to the right people and they were believed. And because we are fighting to protect our children and not always calm about it we are the bad guys. We are the vengeful shrews trying to stop them from seeing their kids. No one gives us credit for wanting to take care of our children or trying to protect them fron people who will hurt them- even if those people are their fathers. To the courts- we just have sour grapes over a failed relationship. So we aren't taken seriously and the courts protect the rights of the fathers. Not even the rights of the children, but the rights of the fathers. Who protects my duaghter since I'm not allowed to?
We aren't allowed to protect our children and the courts are so busy protecting the fathers rights that they can't be bothered to look out for our children. Someone explain this to me. Who makes the system work to actually make sure that my daughter is put first. They won't let me do it. So who does it for me? I'm paying a lawyer to do it but even she says that it has to be fair for eveyrone. Even the lawyers aren't really fighting for our kids. They are fighting for the fathers rights just as much. Because they know that the courts won't rule against the fathers, no matter what that man may be like or what he may do. |
| Posted by Kate on 01/23/2008 09:14 AM
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I am sorry that you are going through all of this right now! I can't imagine how awful it is to be so worried about her when she is over with him...for the fear that one day he will neglect her and she will get hurt! I can't imagine.
I don't suggest this to just anyone...but your case sounds awful. If you suspect him of neglecting or being abusive to her, start writing it down. If you feel that something is bad...then file a police report. The police reports are going to help you in court. If you can show that he is not taking care of her like she needs...file it...file as many as you want. Eventually he will get supervised visits and so forth. If he is verbally abusive to you...file a report. This is going to cover your butt when you decide to take him to court for full custody and no visits.
I hope things will get better for you!! keep us updated! |
| posted by Elise on 01/23/2008 01:21 PM
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Well, I have been keeping track of things- I have a journal and a tape-recorder and I take pictures of her before and after almost every visit. But this county in Michigan doesn't have supervised visits. They don't have anyone willing to supervise the visits. If I insist on them we have to drive over an hour. So my choice is driving my infant over an hour so he has to have supervised visits or letting him take her. It wasn't much of a choice, but at least I can keep track of things and push for them to get someone if it gets to bad.
All I can do is wait for him to do something I can call child services on him for. And he will. And she will suffer because of it. And there is nothing I can do to stop him. |
| posted by Kate on 01/23/2008 02:28 PM
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| I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship with my daughter's father. I let him take her out twice when she was like 2 months old and he would refuse to change her diaper or give her a bottle. And she wasn't properly dressed for the weather so when he got home she was cold wet and hungry. I never let him take her out again! I am in the process of a custody battle with him, i am waiting for him to be served with papers and then i have to wait and see if he responds or not, my lawyer say's because he is a drug addict he probably won't do anything, but even if he does, his chances of winning are very slim. So i understand what you are going through. Feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent, or just wanna chat. |
| posted by on 01/23/2008 07:55 PM
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Be prepared. My lawyer said dippy wouldn't respond either but he actually filed against me before I had a chance to file against him. He said I was keeping her from him even though he made no effort to see her. The judge (female) bought the sob story which is why he now has parenting time. I wonder if I had a male judge if it would have gone differently. Men are less sympathetic to each other about their kids it seems. The ones who stick around seem to look at the jerks who leave or abuse their kids mothers as wastes of DNA.
The custody and visitation is just another weapon for them. At least for dippy it is. It gives him another opportunity to make comments to me and try to make me upset. He'll lose interest if and when he meets someone else, but the minute the next one leaves him, he'll be back because he knows he has me trapped. The only thing that might save me is if he goes long enough without seeing her I am going to find a better lawyer and have is parental rights terminated. It's the only way I will ever really get rid of him.
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| posted by Kate on 01/24/2008 07:56 AM
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| Thank you for the advice. I do believe you about that, i know my lawyer says that but i also know my ex is unpredictable. I do have two domestic dispute reports against him and he also has a really bad criminal record so I will be sure i am prepared to go to court, even though my lawyer says other wise. I would love to chat with you sometime. |
| posted by on 01/24/2008 10:30 AM
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| I have my custody issues going on as well. i am blessed to have the lawyer that i do right now. he told me that is was unethical to say but he shoped around for our judge, you have to be aware of what you want and figure out which judge is more likely to give that to you. My babyfather is locked up and i am doing this now, and if i picked any judge then i would be playing a 50/50 chance of get sole custody no vistation or i get sole custody and have to go up there once a week with my son to see him. So i play nice with my babyfather, i let him know what i was doing and he was ok with it, i send him pictures and letters and try to be as nice as possible then i'll be done with the bullshit. See i learned in my case that if you dont tell him what your doing with alittle kindness then they will get vindictive and it wont be about the child anymore just arguments between you and him. But i am sorry for all the hardship that you guys had to go through. I went through alot with my babyfather too, thats why i left him when i was pregnant. but do know and remember that is why we are women, we are stronger than men we are wiser and better, and God never gives us more than we can handle. prayer has carried me a long way. SO REMEMBER PRAY TRUST AND BELIEVE! |
| posted by Saida on 01/24/2008 03:42 PM
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I think that I should start by saying that I agree with you in your concerns about the treatment of your daughter. If you have reason to believe that she is being mistreated, then do all you can to prove it and get some action taken.
All too often parents (mothers and fathers) are lumped into a category - good or bad. In most cases these generalizations fit the bill, but too often, they don't. I don't think that the idea that fathers will win every time is true. The power to make this decision lies with each judge in each case. Some make the custody (or visitation) call based solely on principle without taking into consideration all of the facts of the case. It doesn't help your case when your ex is being vindictive and is just trying to 'look' like a caring parent either.
I have sole custody of my 7 year old son. It's a long story, but I had suspicions that his mother was giving him someone else's behavioral modification medication (he was just 3 at the time). I made notes, I followed up, and eventually was able to prove it through blood tests. The result was that his mother was charged with a Class 3 Child Abuse Felony and I was awarded sole custody.
I also have physical custody of two more of my children. Their mother and I agreed that it would be best for them to stay with me (while our oldest daughter lived with her).
This may not be what you want to hear - that another father has custody of his children, but I tell you this in hopes that you can hang in there and not get disgusted with the system. It's not perfect, but it's all we have. Just because a judge orders one thing, doesn't mean that you can't get it changed. It may take some doing, but for your daughter's sake, I hope that you can stay the course and fight the fight.
I wish you the best of luck!! |
| posted by James on 01/25/2008 05:13 PM
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| James, I don't think all father's are bad, in fact i know of a father who's ex-wife is not a very good mother, she keeps her daughter on very strict diets and deprives her of many things she needs, unfortunately the father won't stand up to her and i just feel terrible for that little girl. And wish someone would do something for her. That little girl is my daughter second cousin. So anyways I don't think all father's are bad, It goes both ways. I just seems to be more common with women than men |
| posted by on 01/25/2008 07:07 PM
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I don't believe all fathers are bad. I just know that my ex is not one of the good ones.
My college roommates husband is the perfect example of a wonderful, formerly single, father. And he is not a perfect person by any means. His son's mother was neglectful, abusive, and just a truely rotten human being. And her having that little boy would have been a crime and sin. But she lost custody of him and now he is in a wonderful home with people who love him. So I know not all men are horrible rotton fathers.
But I have also met fathers who are not with their childrens mother anymore were either cheats, abusive, or some combination thereof. They spend all of their time trying to not pay child support or trying to get joint custody so they don't have to pay child support or trying to get custody as a way to get at the mother. Including my ex. |
| posted by Kate on 01/26/2008 03:31 PM
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| My heart breaks for you and your daughter! i will keep you both in our prayers |
| posted by Kim on 01/27/2008 09:31 AM
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Wow!! I think I may have to delete my request to join this group. there seems to be a lot of Hater ade being passed aound in here!! LOL JK I know men in general fall short of the glory and I for one am doing my best to show women that not all of us are skirt chasing, pot smoking( or worse), beer drinking, physically and mentally abusive Boys. Yeah Boys is what I said because real men don't do that stuff. Can I get an AMEN!! LOL loook I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I am a single full time father of a little girl that loss her mother to an illness two years ago and we have come to the point in our lifes that we are somewht over the mourning process and we are moving into the celebration of her life mode. i truly empathzin with each and every one of you ladies that have been through hardships and that your child is the real victm in all of this.
Now someone of you also need to look at yourselfs and ask your self Was I a good wife or Gf? Did I try and talk thinkgs out? Was I being a little too jealous because I was wasn;t feeling so beautiful (even though you are) when I was Pregnant or afterwards? Come on..... be honest.
Remember you have just gone through and emotional roller coaster during your pregnancy and he is going through that ride with you and he has all kinds of issues to ie...Will I be a good father, how am I going to pay for their education, Roof over their head ,food on the table, their health, possible birth defects, the list is endless.
I think what happens is couples tend to lash out when their is emotions involved and there is a fear of having to raise a child on your own and of course men being men and women out there that are not pregnant and thin and flirting with your man( or so you think)
One more point men do have the due process of the law and they are entitled to see their children and children are entiltle d to see their fathers but if you can't be married to the guy or live with him then you owe it to your children to try and be a grown up and not hate each other and lash out at each other or use your children to hurt each other( come on some of you are guilty of this)
Remember if you are a "great parent" and you want the best for your children then you need to take the high road and be the better person.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN !!!
I hope I didn't make any enemies today that was never my intention.
There are three sides to the story yours,his and the truth. |
| posted by Robert on 01/30/2008 12:04 PM
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| A BIG AMEN!! TO YOU ROBERT Thanks for sharing your opion I was wondering when we wouls here from some decent fathers's on here Thanks for being one of the good ones and I bet your Daughter Thanks you too!! |
| posted by Kim on 01/31/2008 10:39 AM
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It's nice to hear there are fathers out there who are willing and able to put their children first and who love and cherish the mother of their children.
Not all of us are that lucky to have that. I wish my situation were different, I wish every day that he were different. I wish that it was just the hormones and me overreacting. I wish everday I will wake up and this will be nothing but a nightmare. I wish it would stop hurting every minute of the day. I wish he hadn't left us for another woman. I wish that he would put our daughter first. I wish that he would make an effort, any kind of effort to fix things. I wish that he was a better father. I wish that our daughter didn't cry every time she was with him the entire time she was with him. I wish that he had wanted us and not wanted dating around and cheap women. I wish that he would wake up and see what his lies and rumours will do to our daughter. I wish he would wake up and see what his lifestyle is going to do to her. I wish he would wake up and realize that he is a role model for how our daughter will view men and he isn't being a good example to her of what she should look for. I wish he would look at her and decide that she is more important than anything or anyone on earth.
But he won't ever do any of those things and my situation will always be what it is. I forgave him and ignored things the entire time I was with him and I can't anymore. I let him convince me I was overreacting and that I was being to sensitive. But I wasn't. It isn't wrong to want respect and love. It isn't wrong to want the man you are with to be faithful. It isn't wrong to expect that your husband/boyfriend puts his family before anything else.
You take the high road as much and for as long as you can. I am nice to him every time he picks her up. I give him extra time with her when I can. I try to talk to him before I make decisions and I try to make sure we talk about anything and everything to do with her. But it never does me any good. He uses it against me and turns around and slaps me in the face with it every time. To the point that I wonder what good it does to be nice to him. It doesn't do my daughter any good. He is still the way he is- he lies, he is selfish and he fornicates with other women when he has our daughter instead of spending time with her. And there is nothing I can do about it.
There is due process of law, but sometimes the law doesn't work in favor of the children. For the good fathers out there who do have vengeful mothers- its fantastic. For the rest of us who have to protect our children from their fathers it doesn't work how it should to protect our kids. Because it also protects the rights of fathers who shouldn't be able to harm their kids and can because of those laws. And those laws allow abusers to continue abusing the women who left them. Those abusers won't stop at abusing their kids moms- they will abuse their kids to. Abusers abuse whoever they can- and the courts are enabling those people to abuse their children. |
| posted by Kate on 01/31/2008 12:57 PM
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| Kate would you like to contact me @Mkimbud22@aol.com i would like to tell you some thing in private That is only if you want to. Hang in there |
| posted by Kim on 01/31/2008 02:42 PM
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