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I'm a passive discipliner, but my husband isn't and we're having some conflicting ideas on how to handle Ian's, our 11 month old, temper tantrums. I'm of the firm belief that the only reason they happen is because he wants attention, so I ignore the tantrum, let him scream and he tends to stop after a minute or two when he realizes I'm not reacting to them. Unfortunately, my husband's patience doesn't extend that long and he's more likely to put Ian in his crib in the other room so he doesn't have to hear it. While I don't have a problem with time outs, I'm thinking he's too young for them at this point. My husband believes that something should be done to get him to stop sooner than letting him scream his head off.
Also, when Ian gets into something that we don't want him to, I'm of the mind to get his attention on something else. My husband would rather tell him no until he moves on to something else. We can tell him no and slap his hand away from whatever it is, but Ian is more inclined to think it's a game than anything else. Am I wrong in thinking that at this point, that telling him no may be good, but he doesn't necessary get the concept?
Any suggestions on how my husband and I can copromise on our disciplinary philosophies? |
| Posted by Jaxon on 01/17/2008 08:31 PM
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I have a 16 month old son and when he throws temper tantrums, we either do one of two things: put him in "time out" (on the couch and we sit in front of him and tell him that he is in time out because ___reason - and we stay in front of him so he doesn't attempt to get down, but we don't look / acknowledge him) or we just walk away from him and ignore him until he stops (which I suppose is like putting him in time out, but without actually doing so or telling him why he is "in trouble"). I don't think he is too young for time out - I realize he doesn't really understand, but he may a little since he does stop acting out.
As for the 2nd thing, he did the same things around the same age were he'd get into or do something that he wasn't supposed to and at first we'd give him a warning and then we'd slap his and and tell him no, but that didn't work - he'd think it was a game as well. We realized that it wasn't going to work so we decided to distract him with a game or toy. That worked somewhat, but I think it was just a stage because he only did it for a few months or so.
As for the compromising, the only thing I can really suggest is to hear each other out and try both idea's. You said that you tend to ignore your son's tantrum while your husband puts him in the crib - it's kindof the same thing because his is ignoring it too, just in a different way - right? Maybe you guys can find a spot (couch, stair, chair) to use as the "time out" spot and even though Ian is too young to really understand, use it.
Don't know if or how much help I've been, but at least you know that your not alone! I have read that this age (12-18 months) is all about attention in the toddlers mind. Anything they can do (positive or negative) they will do to get it - even if they get it all the time. I play with my son all the time, but the second I get up to cook or whatever, he is right there by my side! |
| posted by Andrea on 01/17/2008 11:52 PM
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I personally have not had to deal with the discipline issue yet because my daughter is 6 months old, but my husband and I have talked about discipline way before she was born. I think for the issue of the differing ideas, you really just need to sit down and explain what you each would like as far as discipline.
I have heard also that this age is about a lot of attention getting, pushing buttons, testing limits. I have heard toddlers described as mini teens because they are breaking away from needing you as much, so they are trying to become independent while figuring out what they can and can not do. I would try telling your son you know he is angry but he can't do ______ because of _____. Also to prevent meltdowns, explain everything you are doing, give plenty of warning before a change like time to leave the park, and offer only two choices for things that need choices. An example of what to do in a situation would be for bedtime don't ask would you like to go to bed, say "It's bedtime would you like to wear your green or blue pajamas?" This makes both you and Ian happy with fewer meltdowns.
I hope this was helpful. Again I haven't had a chance to test this on my daughter, but this is stuff I have read about toddler discipline. Good luck! |
| posted by Ashley on 01/18/2008 09:01 AM
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| I too am going through this right now with my son, My husband and I tend to differ a little as well when it comes to discipline, I think that they are too young at this age to be disciplined, if he is doing something that you dont like you should tell him no and then distract him, I read that if you keep telling them no they will eventually tune it out, and not take you seriously. Dont know that I helped much but thats what I think. |
| posted by Christy on 01/29/2008 05:03 PM
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| Well Averi is going threw some of the same things that you are talking about. She LOVES to go and play in the dog water bowl, so if we put it down for the dogs to drink she goes right over to it and tries to put her hand in it. We tell her no and turn her around in the other direction but she thinks she is SO funny and goes to it again. So we just do the same thing over again and eventually she gets bored and moves onto something else. I think at this age they are trying to discover what "no" really means. Everytime we tell Averi no she starts to laugh. (Not good on our patients, but still kinda cute. It always makes me laugh even though I am trying to be stern and teach her something she isn't supose to be doing.) Time out is ok I think for older kids who understand the concept that they are missing out on something due to their behavior of not listening or tantrums. At such a yound age I think it just makes them even more upset and pushes the tantrum even further. I know it's hard in the middle of the crying to think of what to do because you just want it to stop but I think that distraction is a great way to deal with it. |
| posted by Christine on 01/30/2008 12:06 PM
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| my 15 month old daughter is having them too, she throws her head back and gets hurt sometimes. Now if i cant handle it or distract it, i just put her in the crib until it ends. |
| posted by MARYANNE on 02/01/2008 09:23 PM
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| My son is almost 15 months and he get soooo mad when he does not get his way. He loves the computer at his dad's job and when I drag him away he throws himself down/ around or throws himself in the floor I have no clue what to do with him. My grandma says because I did not spank him when he was younger that is why he continues to do it. I get soo frustrated with him doing it and so does dad and I don't like to spank but I do smack his hand if he does something he is not suppose to. He is also going through a biting stage which I smack his lips not too hard but I hate doing it people say bite him back but I think soc serv will be on my buns lol. |
| posted by Nina on 02/02/2008 10:32 PM
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| I think I am a bit halfway in between you and your husband. I completely agree with igoring the behavior or trying to distract him and that usually works. BUT if he's into something that he really shouldn't be doing or something unsafe, I want him to learn "no" and understand that he needs to listen. Sometimes he tries to play with the dog bowl and I'm tempted to just always put it on the counter, or he climbs the stairs and I want to just block it off (which of course I would do if I wasn't going to be right there with him). I think it's easier to remove the problem but I worry that he'll never learn and I be chasing him around other people's houses while he wrecks everything because he didn't learn "no" . I say it in a very stern voice and he smiles! I usually then take him and put him on the couch, holding him there gently and look away until he stops yelling. I don't know if it's the right thing, but I'm hoping that if I do it enough, he'll learn not to do it anymore. So maybe you should try "timing him out" like your husband wants to do, but in the same room for a minute and see what happens. I find that once my son sees that I'm not looking at him, he knows it's not fun for him anymore! |
| posted by Susan on 02/04/2008 08:41 PM
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| My daughter Mikayla is 15 months, and we are going through the same thing with her. Spanking just teaches the child to handle situations with violence. They say to ignore the tantrums, that one the child realizes they are not getting the desired response from the tantrum, they begin to knock off the behavior. Sometimes it is hard to ignore it. I have also read books stating to put the child in time out, and I have read other books stating that time outs are a waste of time until the child is at least 2. Just recently, Mikayla threw a pretty heavy duty tantrum because I told her to get off of the brick in front of our fireplace. She threw herself to the ground and screamed and kicked like I was beating her. I think I had lost my marbles at that point, I got right down on the floor next to her and started screaming and kicking, the same way she was. She stopped and stared at me, with her mouth wide open like she did not know what to do with this, I think maybe it clicked that it looked dumb, she has not thrown a tantrum, which was a daily event, in a week. |
| posted by on 02/04/2008 09:18 PM
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| The other thing I wanted to add, they say to never use the childs crib for punishment, because then they start to associate it with punishment, and when you put them down for nap or bed, they feel as though they are being punished, naps and bedtime may become more difficult. |
| posted by on 02/04/2008 09:25 PM
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| My son is 17 months and occasionally throws his tantrums. We respond with a mix of distracting onto something else and letting him act them out. |
| posted by Afihtan on 02/18/2008 12:35 PM
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